Issue 1: Attacks and Defense

Divorce the Big D world, 😉

As many of you know I am currently going through a divorce; which is one of
the hardest things in life I have faced.  I met my soon to be ex husband at a
very vulnerable time in my life in just a matter of 6 months, I had turned
eighteen, broke a four year relationship I shared with my high-school sweetheart, watched my father get married, moved out of the house, dated a man who committed suicide in front of me, got raped by a stranger, and married.
1

Every year I faced, I knew i had to try to make it work; no matter how hard it was.  I don’t like giving up on my goals and don’t like giving up on people.  There comes a point in your life though when you finally see that no matter how much you give; some people just can’t offer you what you need.  Is
it selfish, to stick by someone for almost twenty years and then finally have
the courage and the determination to leave??  Some think so!

Divorce is very common now-a-days; and people who are married; especially those that are not
“happily married” are the first to point out how selfish Divorce is for the children and the family as a whole unit.

Who are we to judge, the only thing I can do is concentrate on our mistakes, our mishaps… so that I can take ownership of them and be sure that the mistakes will not be repeated in any future relationship I may share with another.

This blog is not about pointing the finger, and I believe everyone deserves their own privacy and right to tell their side of the story if they so do wish…

basically I am blogging to therapeutically work on what I need to work on; so that I am not just running away for some easy out…. I know there is no easy out; that is why i stayed and tried despite all our problems and issues for 19 years.

There comes a point though when you can try so much, but if the other person doesn’t see the reality and truth you see; it won’t work… how can it???  It is like i say; you are expecting Oranges from an Apple tree.

 Issue 1 I will be working on: Attack & Defense

Usually when we are young we learn a very important defense mechanism called Fight or Flight… we look at the situation and decide in our mind if we should stay and fight for what ever it is we wish to fight for… or flight, escape from reality and deny the situation.  For many years I felt I was living on guard from the attack!  I seem to choose a relationship where we would both attach each other… and then flight; deny it happened– kiss makeup; and go on… We were very loyal to each other because no matter how awful the attacks got; we still kissed and made up.  Loyalty is important to me, and I could never just walk away from a relationship because of a circumstance.

Spending your days waking up to attack one another, spending your time looking for ways to have the bigger attack so the others attack wouldn’t hurt; and learning your family holidays are always soured by attacks finally became too much…whether it was direct attacks or indirect attacks ; the whole family unit saw that the marriage wasn’t healthy.  The attacks were done out of fear and guilt on both of our parts.  The unhealthy attacks were emotional, physical, and mentally exhausting but at the same time guilt allowed me to allow it for family.  I know inside i had to attack because I felt so weak, so worthless showing such a horrid example to my children… so through attacks I found a strength, even if the strength was a false strength.  We were both the victims, we both played the game.  The only way I learned to let go of the attack is by letting go of fear and guilt.

So, I decided i needed to be in a relationship where my children would see genunine love, no fear; and no guilt.  I couldn’t be afraid any longer what family and friends would think.  My eldest daughter knew exactly what i endured in the relationship and never once doubted I was a bad mother for wanting to show them more… My kids are all that mattered, so why did I fear others.   I always lived by the moto…”I don’t care what anyone thinks about me… I am going to be Michele at all cost.” The fear of being on my own, setting out on my own worried me; I had not been on my own ever; i went straight from my dad’s home to getting married at the young age of 18.  I had guilt for leaving him because although “we” were sick together; so many have preached to me never to give up on your marriage.  Guilt for my kids that they could be introduced to a wicked step-mother; we all know they exist.  I decided to pray and leave it in Gods hands… and I have faith that every step i take is for the benefit of me and my children.  As long as we decide to keep guilt and fear… we will allow the problem to remain alive.

We need to face what we fear, what we are afraid of… what we have guilt for… if we don’t face it; we are denying our own true reality.  We need inner peace!!!  If we don’t have inner peace we can’t be good to ourselves, our children, or any other relationship that matters.

We need to think about what we think… We need to change our own minds, and change our way of thinking.  When someone attacks us, whether it be our partner, family member, friend, enemy, we need to feel sorry for them; and know they are living with fear.  Poor people need help and need love…

One of the things that hurt the most with living with “him” was he was always trying to correct me, tell me I was wrong, and he was right… I felt like i wanted to hang my head low…

Taylor Swift~ Mean (Lyrics)

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You, have knocked me off my feet again,
Got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your voice like nails
On a chalk board, calling me out when I’m wounded
You, picking on the weaker man
You can take me down
With just one single blow
But you don’t know what you don’t know
Someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down,
Try to block you out ’cause I never impress you
I just want to feel okay again
I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold but the cycle ends right now
‘Cause you can’t lead me down that road
And you don’t know what you don’t know
Someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody’s listening, washed up and ranting
About the same old bitter things
Drunk and rumbling on about how I can’t sing
But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic
And alone in life and mean, and mean, and mean, and mean
But someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Yeah someday I’ll be big enough
So you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so (mean)
Someday I’ll be living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean)
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean)
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean)
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

Peace of mind comes from knowing we shouldn’t try to change others, and how hypocritical am I when i feel like the song above, and am waiting for him to change.   The lyrics are true; but that doesn’t make him any less of a person because that is my reality.  However, I shouldn’t walk with my head down either… By the time a human is 3 years old he will pretty much have his personality molded, the only thing is experience during all the formative years will play a role as well in determining who that person will continue to be… People are pretty much who they are, IF they want to change certain aspects about themselves it takes a lot of work!  So all in all, we should just accept people the way they are, and if you find it unacceptable, you need to move on and away from that person.

3 comments

  1. […] to be something I am not, and don’t want to be.  I am a woman who has anger, frustration, sadness, and maybe even some days bitterness; but more than that I am happy, forgiving, understanding, and […]

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  2. […] ALONE; I spent many years keeping secrets from my family and friends about my struggles with my 20 year previous marriage and the terrible downfall.  I didn’t want my family to worry about me; and I certainly didn’t want them to try […]

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  3. […] Issue 1: Attacks and Defense […]

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