My current struggle with my kidneys has really made me stop and reevaluate my life. It’s very difficult for me to be stopped in my tracks and has left me weak for the past few months. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.
I am not comfortable feeling weak. The pain is often times overwhelming. Let’s be real, I’ve had so much pain in my life that although sometimes it feels unbearable, it is something I can understand. I am tough I can bare pain, I can ride this wave 🌊 I have ridden worst. I know I have endurance, and in a way no matter how magnificent the pain is, I will make sure that it serves a purpose.
It does seem cruel and unfair that everything in my life seem to be going in a direction I was in control of and comfortable in and then just like that taken down by an ailment that reminds me, I am not always in control.
For one of the first times in my life, I have been forced to yield, and take a look at my health.
For many years I fooled myself to believe I was health conscious because I was a runner 🏃. I ran, I ran a lot!
Let’s be real, running wasn’t a conscious decision I made for my health. I just tried it and found it was a perfect tool that would allow me to deal with stressors with a force that allowed me to remain feeling powerful and full of strength.
I faced the stress by beginning my run with the only factor being you will head back to the finish line when you feel better. I found running put me in control again. It’s funny to think about it because the whole time I ran I felt so out of control. I know I probably even felt vulnerable and seemed in my mind I looked like a crazy nut case to others running/walking/driving along side my path. I would put on my headphones, and get lost in my first love-music. I learned to use music to escape early on at about the age of five. My music /running therapy would begin.
I found myself running for hours, many miles. On weekends I Could actually spend my whole day running.
I was addicted to music and now running. People would marvel and wonder how could I run so much, when it was something I couldn’t understand but I knew how could I not.
I find myself in a situation currently that makes it hard for me to even walk and feeling weak, vulnerable, out of my element. I feel like a weak prisoner locked in my room of pain. The only thing I hold onto is my will to understand, the motivation to find out the root of my ailment, and the will to make changes for a better healthier body.
Biggest of all I hold on to my faith, things will get better, I will be renewed, I will be better because I hold the power with a powerful source by my side.