When was guilt accepted?

The most effective way to hold on to the past: Guilt!!!!

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It often seems the world is out to get us.  For example right now I’m disabled, by kidney stones and symptoms that have progressed to a pneumatic state.   My cough is keeping me fatigued, drained,  and the pain feels unbearable but I’m bearing it so thats an argument right in itself, that leads my brain on a journey of is the only truth contradiction?

I love to run I haven’t been able to in a while due to my health.   Running is the perfect example of life as we know it.   We are always on the run,  running to something or even running away from something.

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I have always took pride in the fact I felt I would stand tall and never run away from myself.   I had strong beliefs,  creative ideas and the world would see them whether they wanted to or not.   I made a strong conviction I would never follow another, and if anyone told me what to believe I would question it and tear it apart before someone would make me believe their truth.   I was not gonna be a easy target or believe words just because they were said.

However my main problem or issue has always been guilt.  When someone allows guilt in their life, they are basically giving the other person the power by saying they are right! How could I stand for something so powerful and allow such a weak belief to exist at the same time?

I think it’s really funny the man I chose to spend 20 years of my life with my grandpa called him Contreras…  He was a walking contradiction who loved to argue.   If someone said the sky was blue he had a powerful and natural tendency to jump in and prove how the sky was everything but blue. Initially I found this attractive, he was the perfect argument, if I wanted anyone on my side , it’s him….  He would have been a damn good lawyer that’s for sure.   While everyone would secretly tell me how hard I must have it living with such a difficult personality, little did they know I totally understood it because I too had that tendency.  Makes me wonder if I sparked that in him,  if he sparked it in me or if we just developed it together.

One thing for sure the more guilty we feel the more the other person likes it because who wants to be wrong.  Somewhere I gave up my power …
maybe because I was willing for a different belief, maybe because I was just tired…
I do not know at this point.

The truth may have been i just wanted acceptance. I think that is the first time in my life I’ve admitted that to myself or even took it as a potential truth.

Michele the strong, the one who did as she pleased and never gave a flying fuck what another person thought of her,  needed to feel accepted by those who were important to her in her world.

Reason found!!!!!!!!! It maybe easy to spot when your not in the same room with the elephant,  but it’s hard to accept when your whole life you lived to prove you didn’t care about acceptance so bold to the fact you showed…  just that to the world …except to those that really mattered.

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Michele Renee

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