Here I sit; just out of the Emergency room; tired, drained; and really worn out maybe just a tad damaged…
but a huge weight was lifted once they took him back to be observed; I just wanted to get him to come back to me as soon as possible; happy and content.
Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
I knew this was the best decision. I had to just remember, stay strong, and do what always helps, gather your thoughts, write, remember who you are and where you’ve already been… So I am here I begin my blog and writing after a long pause; while I spend about 4 hours in the emergency room worried; until they finally tell me to go home and get rest.
2 Corinthians 4:16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day
I am use to facing battles ALONE; I spent many years keeping secrets from my family and friends about my struggles with my 20 year previous marriage and the terrible downfall. I didn’t want my family to worry about me; and I certainly didn’t want them to try and tell me how to live my life; because I knew I wouldn’t listen anyway. We all have to find out the answers on our own and we all have unique individual ways we learn each lesson.
However, when I decided to leave the marriage; he was seen as the “victim” because no one knew my story and it seemed to everyone who looked; i was probably having a middle life crisis; was being selfish; and just wanted to have fun; that was so far from the truth.
I wasn’t going to make that decision again; there would be NO mask to the outside world. If things were going on; I wasn’t going to pacify another so i wouldn’t disturb their peace; if they were disturbed and didn’t have the faith in me; they didn’t belong in my life. I learned that it is OK to share with “certain members” who won’t judge, who have learned they can always offer advice but they would never expect me to do as they would do I am not them and have my own life to live. There are people I have learned in my family who will stand by me; every step of the way, because they had faith in me I always have come out on top, they had to have trust the situation is part of God’s plan; and they didn’t want to lose me because our relationship was worth it.
More importantly, I had a new found relationship with God, I had been praying for strength and guidance. I hadn’t felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in a while, and once I was lifted by the spirit of our Lord I wanted my next fix.
I met Gus (once again)
during this time, we were old friends that always had a weird strong connection which was tied to an emotional past my boyfriend /his friend…
so it wasn’t our time just yet…
We were both searching for the same thing. Gus was always a good friend , he made me laugh; I remember he seemed so romantic how he would read poems to me he had written. He was creative and artistic and that seemed in direct line with passion. We began to reunite by reading the Bible; exactly what I was yearning for at that time. I needed to find my lost faith for years and I had been praying without hesitation for a few weeks. I specifically prayed for another soul to bring me closer to God. Once I felt the holy spirit, I knew I wanted to feel the relationship grow with my Lord on a deeper level EVERYDAY. Gus seemed to know the bible so well; I was fascinated. I had completely read the bible a few times and I even took Theology about the Bible as my literature class in College; so it seemed for the last few years before I met Gus; I was on my Faith High. I was amazed at how he had specific bible quotes memorized for specific situations; it was obvious he knew his bible very well. Gus had my trust; then we opened up completely and started talking about life both past and present. We ended the Summer of 2011 having a summer abundance of nonstop emotion; but we always knew we were on the same side. We unleashed so much we held onto for way to long…
We found an inner peace together, almost as if our struggles were easier with the other there by the side, to laugh and joke. Life is hard, mean people suck but when you have someone who is your number side kick you kinda feel on top of the world; so when the haters try; you kinda just look down and giggle.
It felt great for someone to actually listen. It was great knowing that the words that were coming out of your mouth were worthy. It was also great to see a different side to the situation and open up part of the mind you never knew existed…. Communication usually breeds new ideas and new ways of thinking. It was also nice to be reminded that although bad situations were given to us; we had a choice of how we would handle them.
Most importantly I was laughing with someone; an ADULT who I considered a best friend when I had closed myself off to most but my children for years.
Having someone to hold onto when the struggle seemed so hard alone was allowing all walls to fall down; and I begain feeling my spirit once again be free.
It felt for years I had been drowning; and until I started finding my faith; I felt i was at the brink of total devastation. The ocean just seemed so vast and the storms were so brutal in my life. Then out of nowhere a slight calm came over the ocean; and just when that happened a huge beautiful strong mythical looking bird came in to swoop me from over the waters. I knew he was different; he seemed out of this world; I knew he was not like the rest of the creatures.
He lifted me pretty fast but just ever so slightly high enough to fly over the waters. I could still feel the splashes from the waves; and at times too much would get in my airway and make me feel i was choking again; but it was a relief that I could at least finally breathe.
I felt after I didn’t think it would ever be possible; I was finally able to close my eyes for a bit and watch all the chaos leave like a fast forwarding film… I will never forget the strength I found in his arms that I needed and craved. You know that feeling when you fall into someone’s arms and it’s like they are lifting you up and not wanting to let go, yes, that is a wonderful feeling when it was gone for too many years.
New lessons were headed my way…
It wasn’t long after, I experienced Gus first Bipolar Manic Episode.
By the time he had his episode I was already in love with him.
The main feelings I remember during that first episode was fear, abandonment, confusion, sorrow, and disbelief… a lot of the same feelings that a person having a bipolar episode are feeling.
I didn’t know what was going on at the time; I didn’t acknowledge a mental illness; I just know what i felt. It felt as if he seriously projected me while my eyes were closed face first on the nearest deserted island. He left me close to both the shore and the tide; closest to shore and the tide, not as brass as to throw me straight back in the ocean but then he quickly disappeared he was gone for weeks. I remember looking so deeply at my own reflection and not liking what I saw.
I felt alone again in my life after having that overwhelming reminder of what a connection felt like again and the quick disconnection that makes a line of a beautiful dancers turn into a flat line reminding you of dread and all the feelings that come along with it.
I refused to go back to that place of deep sleep where all feelings were turned off in regards to a partner to love; bottled up emotions of needing another to pamper and love me; and I focused my love and attention on my kids. I may not have been pampered and given attention but I would give it to my kids. BEST of all, I had my renewed relationship with the Lord most important of all. But I still felt empty because I needed companionship .
All I wanted was to hold on to that feeling that spark that initiated the connection to my soul that makes your heart apparent, when you know some other person dear heart is wonderful in spirit and wants to share that with you.
The taste of the first quench of thirst, after you had survived for a while sucking ice chips.
The first meal after a long run/fast.
The Light when the dimmers had been set permanently to make everything seem gloomy with little hope.
The intensity draws you toward the inclination to run toward the fear, and hang on as tight as possible. To want to know there is a difference between doing things because you want to please and doing things for love.
The more and more intensity you create the harder it is to breathe and you just want to breathe again,
and the whole struggle for some reason, feeling “alive ” beats being put back to sleep.
Intriguing question does flash thru my thoughts, am I running toward pain, it’s all I have ever known…
Confusion set in do I continue to hold onto his “lost soul” that I missed so much, because when he’s there it’s so great like a perfect soul-mate knowing and fulfilling all my needs!
He showed me he is selfless and cares about my happiness.
Art, Beauty, Creative Expression, all being inhaled once again, it felt so good to find me again.
As long as that one thing always remains… Our strong Trust! I trusted him and he knew he could trust me. We didn’t question each other due to paranoia of manipulation. We knew we had each others back. It was amazing to open up to someone and allow them to completely open up. There is no secret uncovered and the growth would be a constant effort toward discovery – new together. I was never one to obey another; if someone told me to do something i would usually do the opposite; but RESPECT- that is something I totally understood; and I wanted it 100%
Everyone has an opinion and during this difficult decision it’s hard to forgive the people who gave up on me and put limits on their support.
All they wanted was for me to stay where I was because I either needed them as a safety net or I was cruising for answers in my ” Ohhhhhhhhh so Michele way“.
I always showed the world I was strong, in control, even if the control was allowing –
Love to go to sleep and allow pride and anger to burst out of control,
The preference for many was put on a front, and live in denial .
It wasn’t that hard because I had forgotten so many years what I was missing in fact I don’t think a loving respectful relationship had been around for quite a while in the later years of my marriage. The last few years we spent as a couple we both had complete independence, I am naturally extremely independent. We did what we wanted because we both had let go. He did what he wanted and I did the same no questions asked. We stopped caring and just took each other for granted.
So, it had been too long-since my teen years , I felt like a fool because of love… And I hated feeling like a fool. This love really mattered, he mattered his feelings, desires, fears, and I mattered to him, the respect was intoxicating.
I started to write a lot and made the decision my decision was
to be made “just for that day,” and we would see what the end result would be when I turned around and looked. I knew for sure I would not allow for a miserable future. I also knew I had to work on realizing I was going to find Michele again…
I knew I would once and for all be convinced everything I held at that very moment was all I needed.
Episode 1- made me feel I meant nothing to him while it lasted and the residual effects actually took months to completely settle.
The one strong force that I found to go to and lean on in this difficult world was gone. He was spiritually a different person that was fighting a complete different battle on his own, and it’s not his choice.
It is not something he woke up to choose.
2nd Bipolar Episode I experienced with Gus. Learning completely different things…
in the process –
It’s been almost four years since Gus had his first bipolar manic episode. I’ve always been interested in mental health to the point I educated myself in psychology since high-school. I’ve always been drawn to the quirky and different and if most consider you strange, your probably my friend. 🙂
I started suffering with depression and anxiety when I was 13 years old, I started seeing a therapist during that time.
“As I hear mainly guitars and lyrics, I only find comfort in knowing how great it feels to watch the blood ooze out of my skin. Each slice is different with each new song. Some slices are slow and painful but not that long. Then there’s the long thin slices that burn-where the blood trinkles and not quite an ooze. In it there is a relief found with finding a way to stay in control of my own pain and knowing when I will let it go. Broken mirrors painful and slow, Razor Blades fast and precise.”-Michele Renee
If someone was going to make a difference or just make an entrance and exit it would be me! People would laugh and say I was the craziest person they knew but all I cared about is I was making people laugh when all I did was go home and cry. I would never share my sadness with the world because I felt it was my weakness… because it was when I was vulnerable and out of control. I use to stomach slide into class, make my teachers and peers hate me or love me. There was no in between I was loved or hated.
If someone could see my strength just maybe I would have an impact on them to find theirs.
Guess what, I was told all the time… I was doing just that by people who trusted me enough to tell me… that alone kept what felt at times a dwindling spark… into a full force out of control forest fire.
I began to obsess with Madonna for her courage and critics who would tear her apart, haters are always going to exist there are so many miserable people in this world. Madonna laughed everything off, if she couldn’t be stopped, I sure as hell couldn’t either.
How could I see the world so terrible that I didn’t want to live another day and then see miracles happen in my life? Feeling the love in my heart from me-to-another and another -to-me that was my complete validation!
When things are so far down that you feel your laying in the gutter, and then you have your first miracle happen and you realize how everything does happen for a reason!
Validation is amazing… you realize no matter how hard or how many times you get hit, what matters is… you get back up you fix the problem no matter what it takes and you become better, stronger, you know nothing in life will take you down.
In fact, you often look at the shallow attempts other sick souls who will do what they think would work for them, making up lies and gossip, trying to put you on blast on social network scenes because that would bother them. People choose the avenue they know of to hurt another. It only confirms how shallow they really are. Numerous attempts for attention by bashing another soul… The best advice – laugh at the futile dramatic attempts… they have no clue the tiny spit they spew won’t drown someone who has survived the most brutal torpedos/typhoons.
The match sticks they play with like the little pathetic school girls who weren’t quite loved like they needed to be from all the people they needed it from. They believe blasting lies about another gives them power because they usually have one or two pathetic following minions on their side. Put up what you want, I am an open book your lies are your own truths about how you feel about yourself…
Your attempts are nothing in comparison to the sticks and stones that have tried to break my bones during my life here in this earth.
I have vowed to myself I will get my butt up with more faith, stronger, smarter, and happier every time I am knocked down because no one in this earth will tell me how I’m going down.
My therapist will forever hold a special place in my heart, Claire Jacob’s I met at my young age; probably around 14 years old; and continued to work with her right through one of the hardest years of my life when I was 18 years old, detaching my other- half/ boyfriend of four years, moving on and finding a new love who then committed suicide in front of me and all his closest friends , getting raped by a stranger, and finding out my mom eloped without telling me, and my dad was getting married himself, I found myself spontaneously eloping in 1992 for shock, but even more to create a family.
I couldn’t believe how I’d sit down talk and realize with direction why I did the things I did. It meant everything to have one person on my side, guide me, direct me, and genuinely care. I knew God sent the right therapists my way. I knew I wanted to do the same for some other soul one day when I could. I longed to give what I was receiving… change their outlook on a World that looked so bleak and was often so cruel . I prayed often for the Lord to send me the knowledge I needed to learn to help others. I met a lot of needy people and studied them researched old/latest/wives tales/psychics/ theories / peer advocates/the Bible/ Church… all religions.
When I began to understand he didn’t hesitate to send them my way. I couldn’t believe little by little people were coming to me and telling me how I made a difference, changed their life and their families. I knew I needed to get as much education on it as possible. I started to study psychology in high-school and knew I’d continue my quest for my psychology in college. God listened, he sent the people my way. I found myself working at Child Protective Services. I prayed for God to send me the families that I would forever hold in my heart and they would forever hold me in their heart. If they could learn from me and I could learn from them…. send them to me I prayed.
While working with Child Protective Services I learned a lot, I learned I loved the whole family because God sent me the family not just a soul but many different souls… a lot of truly loving parents who wanted the best for the kids but just didn’t know how or were stressed and made wrong decisions, or who just needed guidance for assistance. I also met a good number of selfish parents who didn’t know how to love or trust because they never received it and surely didn’t understand it and may never. Many people did drugs because that was the only thing they knew that made made them feel good for an hour or few, but never realized how drugs could and would take over their life. The point is I saw human beings that were hurting, scared, pleading, angry, had not one to trust and didn’t even know how to trust. Families were out of control, and so many conflicting pains and obstacles within the family unit; that also was all too familiar to me. I held the power to create a healthier lifestyle. Once I started to see the wonderful souls trust me; they started to work a little at at time; and they began to find a new way; a way that would allow them to win their personal battle. A few steps in the right direction with positive results always leads to a bit of found strength which drives one harder to fight their demons and make their dreams become a reality.
My heart would be joyful when I saw the kids innocent saved, or renewed. Renewal of the human spirit is a beautiful wonderful magic that rejuvenates everyone involved in the process. Grandparents, Fathers, Mothers, Daughters, Sons, Family members who didn’t trust; trusted me. Then when they knew they could trust me even more; I began to observe anger subside and hope restored or found for the first time ever.
No matter what people say about me my eccentric ways, my colorful and passionate expressions… no one could take me down with shallow cries of hate. I was so fortunate God had given me the opportunities and the tools to get the job done, other colleagues and advocate stepping in with the same passion doing their part in the lives if these families. People could laugh, joke, and put the profession down; but the truth is; what have you done putting your complete heart and soul into ? ANSWER THAT for another who has absolutely nothing to offer you in return.