The rape was approximately, thirteen years ago and I realize that I will have to live with the fact it will always live on in my head.
I remember the first 2 years I wouldn’t/couldn’t leave my apartment or be anywhere near a man. One of the hardest and first fears I faced was collecting the mail, it would take forever for me to get out of my car, I feared any man getting his mail even the mailman. The anticipation as I waited in the car was intense.
I’ve always been one to face my fears head on but this fear was so intense and so real. I knew I would conquer it, even if it did take me 2 years.
Lately I’ve realized, It seems to be when I’m coming home at night when I’m walking from my car to the door to my house . I also noticed its more intense when my kids are with me and I feel much more vulnerable.
I fumble for my keys and I can feel a slight terror I can feel a presence behind me. Like the scary movies where the person being chased always falls down, I fumble with my keys and drop them.
I’d rather her live with it then the naive ways I previously had, I had always felt almighty and ever powerful. I often remember banging on the door in frantic mode, at that point someone home would open it and I would feel oddly saved.
The other day, some one didn’t open the door. I was stricken with the usual fear but with also anger. How could he not jump up to save me. As every fear was heightened I felt a strong rejection as if he allowed the rape to happen again. The fear was real again, and it wasn’t his fault.