Daymares

The rape was approximately,  thirteen years ago and I realize that I will have to live with the fact it will always live on in my head.
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Of course I don’t allow it to debilitate me when I’m fully aware, but when I’m not aware it can take over my soul.
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I know I’ve come along way, and continue to give myself praise for all my steps at letting go but the reminders can be living nightmares.
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I remember the first 2 years I wouldn’t/couldn’t leave my apartment or be anywhere near a man. One of the hardest and first  fears I faced was collecting the mail, it would take forever for me to get out of my car, I feared any man getting his mail even the mailman.  The anticipation as I waited in the car was intense.
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I’ve always been one to face my fears head on but this fear was so intense and so real.  I knew I would conquer it,  even if it did take me 2 years.

Every know and then the fear comes back very strong it could be a similar face, an expression,  or just the sick look of lust and power in another’s eyes.
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Lately I’ve realized, It seems to be when I’m coming home at night when I’m walking from my car to the door to my house . I also noticed its more intense when my kids are with me and I feel much more vulnerable.
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I fumble for my keys and I can feel a slight terror I can feel a presence behind me.  Like the scary movies where the person being chased always falls down,  I fumble with my keys and drop them.

I realized my oldest daughter lived through a lot of this fear with me.   I remember telling her we needed to get in the door as soon as possible,  how could I instill such fear on an innocent soul?
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I’d rather her live with it then the naive ways I previously had,  I had always felt almighty and ever powerful.  I often remember banging on the door in frantic mode, at that point someone home would open it and I would feel oddly saved.

The other day, some one didn’t open the door. I was stricken with the usual fear but with also anger.  How could he not jump up to save me.  As every fear was heightened I felt a strong rejection as if he allowed the rape to happen again.  The fear was real again,  and it wasn’t his fault.

Everything we experience is in our head,  our reality is based on our thoughts.
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Michele Renee

3 comments

  1. survivorgrrl says:

    Absolutely relate.

    Liked by 1 person

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