2nd Marriage, Cheating, and Socrates ;), Gus

What is it that causes love insecurities?  I feel very secure within my self; and I honestly don’t have any doubts about my significant other finding a better replacement.  I know I am a treasure; honest; true, loyal; hardworking, funny, caring; and understanding.  When it comes to comparing me there is no comparison to his previous relationship.
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Yet still, I have this awful dreading issue regarding his past lovers; and how I fear during my insecure moments he loved those hers greater and more intense than me.  Yes, that bothers me; because in every avenue i go down; I realize I am and will never be his first in so many ways that I would like to be.  It is like that when you meet later in life.  In fact, not only am I not his first but I often wonder if I even come close to the feelings he had before and that makes me sad.  I feel so deeply in love that I want to be the one who gave him all the best of all the “bestest moments“.  I have allowed his ex wife “HER” to get into my head with her, “everything he has done for you he’s done for me”, ***bull shit she has thrown.  You are so stupid if you think I am getting “left-overs” the man I love is always new and improved; and that is viewing only the past four years.
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I really am sorry, well not sorry;  it didn’t happen for you. I guess a simple legal piece of paper isn’t the magic wand after-all.  **NO COMPARISON at all…we share honesty, fun, respect and loyalty ; the best things in life that were absent from your relationship together.
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He made the decision to not only love someone else before; but even the decision to marry that other entity.
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LOL  I know for me; when I first married; it was not a thought out decision; it was more of an extreme spontaneous decision.
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Growing up; I spent my whole life imagining my wedding; my future husband; my future family and it was/is nothing I dreamed or imagined, its even greater.  The plain truth of the matter is; when I married I was eighteen; dumb and on a massive roller coaster ride of emotions.
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I am older, much more intelligent and wise.  When I married the first time, I spent a lot of my time depending on simply hope.  I think the difference this time around is that I am making a decision to want to marry and spend my life with someone else with much more wisdom and experience.
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I have always known I was always a pretty flower; and I am not talking about my outter shell.

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Today,  I really feel like a beautiful garden of flowers with so much more beauty, aroma; and strength.
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During my first marriage, I was a bundle of fear; who had the capacity to hurt in ways I would soon learn are not only noneffective; but permanently damaging to my integrity; my soul; and my partner.
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I felt perfect; and believed it was my mission to find someone who saw all my perfections.  I now know that I am perfectly imperfect and would love to share my complete perfectly imperfect soul with another soul who see’s my perfections and my imperfections and loves me just the same.
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Someone who would feed my soul when I am thirsty, and shield me when I am weak, I realize I am expecting so much more than before.  Much more intense
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Every day I am alive, I want to grow and blossom to my fullest potential God will allow…
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I refuse to settle on just any other soul and deprive myself of love!
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Awesome, real, intense; world shaking kinda love, won’t settle for anything less!
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The kind of love that feels so intense that thoughts of fear, jealousy, happiness, respect, anger, pride, hate, love, laughter, loyalty, faith, envy, and curiosity enter your thoughts in more ways than you can quite imagine.
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Never allowing blinders and vow to never allow damaging denial.  The bride who went in the first time wearing that white beautiful veil (I always dreamed of) left the body
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and this bitch
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wants to see everything she is getting herself into.  A second marriage is made in a completely different mind set; and I do have to say this feels more like a choice a major choice. Two words can validate this, this time there are kids involved!

After spending so many years giving up on love; and settling for treatment neither of us deserved; I realized I deserve better for myself; he deserves better, and my kids deserve better! I make the decision to get everything I learned from birth to the present moment and make a choice to not only love again; but to realize I am in control of who completely rocks my world; and who will be graced with me rocking their world.
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Life flies by, I think about my childhood and I can’t even remember it ; I dream about high-school and it is one big blink.  I see my oldest child graduate
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I am in shock I would love to have one day of her childhood back to enjoy her innocence.
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Time is temporary; the moment is already lost; I will never allow my life to be a gamble in a losing game.
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We live we learn and a lot of times we lose but life’s tragedy’s or less appealing sides shouldn’t dictate who I am left to be or become.  It has also been true for me that there has been times in my life I had more than enough money to make me happy; and times when I had so little money I wondered how I would survive.  One thing is for sure; I would rather live with simple happiness everyday than anything that makes me need more and want more for some temporary happiness.
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Physical admiration is always appreciated but it doesn’t change the fact we are all progressing in our years and soon enough one will no longer be the most fit, young, beauty in the room.
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We don’t lose our beauty as we age; we can allow ourselves too; but one thing is for sure; I want to always be seen as getting more beautiful with age.  (I guess what I learned is that I gotta work hard on the “me“,  the inner me.  (((mind before body)))
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I want love, I have love, I won’t live without love.  I want/have/won’t live without a best friend, someone to share life with; my second self again.  I want to continue to work with our imperfections and not bash each other but help each other to grow, and have a hell of a lot of bad ass fun while doing it.
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I pray that everyday we will continue to allow ourselves to become a better improved version of who we were yesterday.
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I pray that our family continues to guide each other with reflection of all our choices, ideas, and thoughts with an increased knowledge from our own personal growth.
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I want to remember to be thankful to one another for bringing more peace, intense excitement, and love to our family and home life.
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I want to be thankful that you are my best friend; who makes me laugh and enjoy life every moment of the day.  I am thankful I want to continue to be the best with you…
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I am thankful that when things in life get complicated
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health is like a roller coaster,
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inner doubts creep up like the snakes they bring
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fears try to make you their bitch,
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life basically life…
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I have you to make me laugh and want to keep rollin’.
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Thank you for being my best friend; who I have so much fun with that I am blessed we get to have a sleepover every night!!!!!  If my daughters and son spends their life loving another; and having another love them in the same way; I will feel complete.  The cycle of love will not be broken~  If you want something in a relationship, create it; don’t wait for it to happen because you will be waiting for it to happen for as long as you will allow and time is precious.

Love doesn’t just happen; you make it happen.  Life is hard enough as is; if a person makes it harder you are hanging around the wrong person.  There are a few so dear to me; that I see are chasing the wrong person; or hoping for a fantasy that doesn’t exist with this wrong person.

We can dream about soulmates and we can be soulmates but our souls will need a deep connection the kind of connection that makes you ONE.  If you want loyalty, love, honesty, trust…. you have to be loyal, love, honest and true.

When people cheat; its a choice they make; they are craving someones attention; usually feeling very lost and broken.  A person who cheats is obviously not valuing the relationship and not putting much value on themselves either.  When you are true and honest, full of love; you gain a respect; you care for that other person and would never want them hurt.  You also value your relationship you won’t risk it for just anybody; especially some fly by night.  Thank you my dear for not putting me through that kind of pain as of today; I vow to always stay loyal because there is absolutely no one who can come close to filling your shoes. ***** no clue

By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”  Socrates hahahaha quoting one of my favorites…. `  (been on both ends to this date)

So why let fears, demons, and snakes interfere with our peace?  We need to continue to remind each other the warmth we get from our kick ass one of kind …kind of love.  We need to continue to make sweet sweet love that is our own kind of art; and learn to be just as creative fighting our own battles in day to day life. This is a cruel vicious world and there are wolves barking, howling, growling on all corners of the box but with equal strength in our love; the wolves will get bored and fade.  ***or we blow their ass apart 😉

I love you Gus; thank you for being a good husband and a good wife! 😉 don’t ever forget who’s bitch you are…
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No definitely not :)that bitchs bitch…

You’re this one’s 💘😆
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and how my respect for you goes beyond measure; and I would never do anything to lose that respect from you.  Oh yeah…. and when your wrong admit it and when your right…. shut up ;D

“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. “
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2 comments

  1. […] (insert breakup) Everyone in this life has to do what they have to do in their own way to find themselves. When a person begins their “self search ” their life may completely change. Life has […]

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  2. […] dark bedroom I searched for love […]

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