Hadn’t really slept the past four days I know in my heart it’s time… I can’t fight my kidneys any longer, I will put an end to this.
Passing 11 stones of various sizes and pain levels has taken its toll on me physically and mentally. Spending more than a year dealing with numerous infections, pain, high fevers, and misery when would enough be enough. The truth is what it is, when I decide to take the steps necessary to do what it takes to do something different about it. Put away that stubborn Spirit once and for all.
Let go of the struggle, I held on to the fact the doctors told me once the stones are over 7-8 mm they wouldn’t pass on their own, the ureters are too thin. I passed 9 smaller ones and then went on to pass 2 large ones that they told me I couldn’t. I had 1 left, I would spend my days living off water, cranberry juice, eating Lemon after lemon! Hold on to a constant struggle, believing I can do this, no-one can tell me what I can’t do, I’ve proven that time and time again!
Realizing you are on a never-ending Merry-go-round, when you have anticipated and waited for the incline and drop a rollercoaster brings, made me feel like a complete fool as I faced the truth.
Knowing I could just get the surgery and be done with it. I don’t know what bothered me the most, realizing how long I’ve allowed myself to remain in this misery or actually acknowledging the fact I’ve been foolishly telling myself lies that weren’t bringing results, “no-one will limit me” and realizing the true limits that exist in my world are those limits I place on myself.
Wait~ I have been here before, when I am completely hurt by these kidney stones and I can remember feeling the strong powerful intent to do what I needed for that relief I wanted and needed, schedule the surgery.
My bladder starts feeling relaxed again, after medication the pain subsides and I begin feeling better. The Stone is still there but when it’s not creating difficulty in my bladder like a band-aid I am satisfied with the relief that is bearable for a while. Life continues in its busy fashion and I am busy with all the stuff important NOW sitting there on the back-burner is a bubbling pot about to boil over again.
Oh my goodness was I a hypocrite in a way I hadn’t imagined. I spent many years fighting for families, fighting always for justice, fighting for women’s causes…
Fighting to empower women, fighting to show women Possibilities, they can if they choose!
Lifting young souls up…high, helping the lost find another way, sharing personal struggle through creative avenues to share positive messages~
and diverting others to better options bringing them their families peace and happiness, getting others involved~
Feel alive and proud I was definitely living with purpose!
The truth is maybe I need to stop putting so much emphasis on doing all the things that were extremely importantly, held strongly, those beliefs that were so important to lift up the life of others~
and, concentrate on feeling a power from peace by simply finding out how to quiet my mind, what I could do for myself that had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else, but me.
Take the time to yield, stop looking for answers to solve the world’s problems, like working to fight child abuse, helping others fight their drug addiction, fight against neglect, teaching families how to rebuild, finding homes for the homeless, fight for women’s issues…. and take time to begin to self-reflect and because I still have the strong desire to want to constantly gain more insight to use mywisdom to transform the life of another, but I begin to find answers in myself, admitting to myself I didn’t even know self-reflection which would bring me a much-needed insight to give me true wisdom~I can only find by examining myself; I am the one in need too, transforming into a new me!
I began this Saturday morning of October the 3rd, early setting out to drop off my kids, (it was their dad’s weekend) at six o’clock a.m. I had to be at St. Matthew Church by 8:15 for Mass and the Commissioning of my Team, the team God hand selected for the upcoming Women’s A.C.T.S 2015 Retreat that would take place November 12-15.
Today I would get the opportunity to spend most of the day with a group of inspirational women God had put together and finally developed in August 2015, two months weekly meetings were powerful enough to realize I was falling in love with my friendships with every soul on this team. Powerful friendships with the biggest purpose yet, this team would lead a movement and was in current development of the biggest project this world could ever give me.
Always finding the need to continuously find my way to POSITIVELY impact the life of another; I had prayed daily for about 7 years for God to send me the people. I begin my work at Child Protective Services, and each day I prayed with my whole heart for the power, strength, and knowledge to help a person in need. The work was draining; and after just two years I knew I had done my part, I spend all my energy and heart providing a new way of thinking, leading those to education on parenting; redirection, decreasing risk factors that was different for each individual family, getting personal enough to understand the risk families each family developed by intense assessment which can only be correctly assessed by developing a close and constant interaction with each member of that family in their own way and discipline to those abused and abusing; while always remaining a positive example. I knew I made a positive impact in the lives of many families that would last a lifetime, I knew I was effective in my job but I was drained and didn’t want to ever lose my passion. I needed a new mission; so I prayed for a new mission where I would assist and make a difference in a larger group of people. God knew I was ready, I took my work seriously, my faith was in constant growth always appreciating and asking for his direction ~he gave me my next project to make a difference in my community in a different way.
I spent the next two years + a few months assisting those living in or under poverty limits to find housing for them and their families. I was extremely happy at San Antonio Housing Authority; the work was intense, like me; I took pride in those who managed me; first Deborah Bell then,Valerie Ochoa, always under the direction, of a higher management who made me feel at home; and exactly where I needed to be, never even realizing the powerful direction he created under his humble ways; he was just like me; his name is Gary Baxter. I had the opportunity to sit near him; and learn from his awesome example; and always admired his open door policy and his REAL down to earth caring ways. My team and co-workers at SAHA became my family and my real friends we shared our same similar hearts, appreciated each other’s unique differences that made the workplace interesting. Everyday I worked, I prayed to still yet send me the people for the day I needed to impact in a huge grand way.
Haven for Hope offered me an opportunity for a meeting for a particular job, I was happy where I was, but who goes to your job, see’s what you do; or hears from another about you and realizes you have huge potential to make a bigger change. I didn’t know if it was a sign from God; i was scared because I was happy and risked losing it for a bad decision. Helping the homeless find housing often for the first time in their life sounded beautifully enticing, but the fact they would offer me more money; and I would be able to begin at a new adventure with the ability to make a powerful change, I would not pass up. I left a huge part of my heart and all those I loved behind at SAHA and followed my calling.
I went to Haven, and found an immediate familiarity with my team-mate Lisa Vera who would take me under her wing and show me the ropes; she always remained confident in me; and appreciated my knowledge. I was amazed and impressed with the jaw dropping leadership, out of this world intellect, and positive encouragement I would receive from one of the greatest Women Leaders I would ever meet in my life, Joyce Walker. I spent my first few months; taking beds to families Christmas Eve, who would wake up Christmas morning sleeping on a bed 🙂 I would create, and facilitate ideas and direction with 100% support; I was finding homes for the homeless and for the first time after hearing how long they have gotten accustomed to living on the streets.
I was devastated when I would find myself losing weight, losing energy; and battling my kidneys that would begin to fail; take me out; and make me believe I was losing everything I had fought so hard for the past few years.
I continued to pray; knew each time; I proved I was making a difference, kept my faith, and saw results each time my impact was greater so why, why was I being punished. Every project I was given; I gave my heart and ran it with energy… why was God taking it all away from me; to send me home; to my family to spend my days praying; and feeling lost.
I lost faith; how did I allow that to happen; I was blind, I was taken out of my plan, feeling sorry for myself, but finding happiness with the new time I would find with my family. My family will always push me no matter how beaten I may feel. I begin to find myself but in a new way. While I continue to fight my kidney battle, I am ready for this next mission; God has been preparing for this for a long time, years of development!
The story continues to unfold; but as I began my work on my spiritual journey; for ACTS. I am finding continuous answers, and truth. God has so much confidence in me; he is giving me the opportunity to be on a team for one of the most important projects on this earth; lead people to him! In approximately a month; I will get my opportunity; he has selected all the people under this powerful connection; and this work, my most important mission yet; is amazing.
Today would give my team of the strongest women the opportunity to stand up proud in our parish, acknowledge each other’s, and our own God-given gifts, and be recognized and called out in our Church under the blessing of the priest; who I would later find; would be Father Michel~ one of my favorite faithful Spiritual leaders, who spreads the word of God in his own unique charismatic way. Father Michel is full of humor, grace, and understanding. Father Michel shares a similar passion of mine, to educate the young in understanding the importance of their own relationship with God. He is a great teacher; never judging for another person’s lack of knowledge or misdirection; and the strength to gracefully show the truth; Gods way. Having his blessing to our team was what I prayed for; and received. 🙂 Thank you!
Being a team member on St. Matt’s YOUTH Team Retreats was all I knew the past 4 years, this would be completely different being on a team with members who I didn’t necessarily lead but would assist me to lead; and take the lead to understand my strengths and weakness and lead me… I was nervous! Feeling a little blue with nerves, and pain from my kidneys. Today with the hint of blue; I still concentrated on feeling that feeling of LOVE, Compassion, Women Bonding; I was forever colored PINK! I maybe feeling weak, tired, but I clothed myself with my Breast Cancer Awareness Bandana, my Breast Cancer Awareness Clip on my shirt collar…and put on my soft shades of color on my lids; and my soft pink lips would be used for positive talk!
I was sad to be without my kids for the day; we set out on our drive when I found myself struck with awe; and unbelievably left with OUT words to say… I couldn’t believe never had I seen a PINK Sky…
I yelled with enthusiasm for my children to look up and verify what I was seeing; I saw a pink sky with clouds of angels; Cross, Dove~of peace, and I felt peace…
the sky changed hues so quickly in such a short period whitening the clouds gave me the sense that the Holy Spirit was present…
I hardly remember the drive; I was hypnotized with all I saw in the sky… wondered if my team had seen the same sky… As I drove into St. Matt’s the most magnificent Sun began to appear; and I immediately felt God’s presence and lost all fear and pain.
I stared at the sun for quite a while; until my attention was caught by the loving act of another soul; are those our taco’s to the left …. we each play a very important part in every act we do for another and for God!
Guess what there was others on my team who saw the same pink sky!
Most importantly I was reminded today would be MY day with me and the LORD! Our day together where I would personally be reminded, continue to choose happiness each day, even when it’s not easy. Be proud of me, and continue to find ways to be proud of the way I live, follow God’s direction without question. Once I realized how worthy God has allowed me to realize how much he loves me; no person can bring me down. Looking at my past; has always push me to become greater; I can be proud of the connection I have with God which gives me a peace.
God continues to lead me to beautiful different souls that are one of a kind; unique; God loves every one of us; and like the sun; we are all part of his rays; which makes the sun complete; and even more beautiful as a whole. Looking at the sun, realizing the profound greatness God allows us to experience bring a strong appreciation under his direction; care, and support; and this is only a small sample of his greatness; we can’t even imagine parts of what we have yet seen or experienced.