It felt OK though because most of what she felt hadn’t always been right, at least after what she was told and knew in her heart to be the truth!
Everything feels so foreign right now, I pray to get lost. I need a blessing of peace its been a long year as I denied what everyone else try to tell me , i just want to take off and never be found…
It isn’t often I find that place or person that gives me that feeling of home. The place you call home is supposed to be that place of retreat where your safe and loved. I think most of my life I wanted to be around people who just made me feel I was at home. I don’t know or understand too many details about my childhood map of where I was located at during periods of significance. I just know various times in my younger years I just kind of felt like a piece of luggage moving around the world desperately seeking that spot. In one home we were always up moving and sometimes my stuff just didn’t make it to the new location. So everything I cherished I learned to hold tight, never leave it behind and I took my personal belongings with me if I were to change homes, like a beautiful little untrusting vagabond.
I remember my grandma Darling feeling embarrassed for me as I toted bags from one home to school to my other home, telling me I didn’t have to take them with me to school she could pick them up after school and take them to my other home. No-way, I needed my stuff with me, I was exceptionally easy-going, funny, a child who loved to joke, laugh, and usually with a smile on my face, even if I didn’t feel smiley. I was assertive, independent, and determined by the age of 8. I needed to hang on to my bags, they needed to be with me, so I knew they were safe. I know growing up a lot of people who loved me and meant well not always quite understood the reasoning behind “Michele,” but still supported me in anyway they could.
I stayed strong and hard headed to my notions I had a mission and I was going to get there and no one would change my mind, my truths, if they did it was carefully examined and my choice would be determined only after careful deliberation; but more times than not, others opinions were dismissed because no one does things the “Michele way”.
Life we learn changes, sometimes a little, sometimes drastically, there are people who appear, disappear, and re-appear throughout our whole lives.
We spend so much time, waiting, hoping, praying, and sometimes we disappear, and then we find our song again and reappear but we are never quite that person that left, we become exactly what we believe. Sometimes we want that side of us gone, we don’t even want a reminder, postcard, nothing… And sometimes somewhere we remember a part of us that lived more free, carefree, trusting, and more innocent. We know that person can never come back because of all the truths and lies that have now become part of our new reality.
Let’s face it no matter how beautiful, fair, peaceful, loving we feel inside our soul; in our world lives ugliness, contradictions, strife, stress, and hate. It is very young we learn that the evil green eyed monster of jealousy exists. People are jealous and envious of others due to fears they hold and have setting in at such an early age. We find youngins coming home in as early as 3rd grade sometimes sooner feeling stressed and sad about relationships and transforming relationships that have begun, will continue to throughout middle school, and ongoing throughout high-school. Then we find ourselves in the real world dealing with all the same shit we dealt with in school in the workplace amongst adults, who we figured would have known better by know. People who are lonely and dobt care if someone else is working thkngs out with another. Dealing with the relationships in our family and friends is hard enough, add in the stress of work, others who are just plain evil who for some reason are focused on you… it isn’t hard to find your soul seeking peace and serenity and finding yourself hopeless and depressed. I had these issues, add in health issues and it really felt for a while like I was given a recipe for destruction.
I am blogging today to let you know that you are not alone. You aren’t weird, cursed, you aren’t bad, but you need to let go of all these lies and hold on to the truth.
I don’t care how huge you think your struggle is, I’ve been there too…God has sent you some people in your life to enjoy, learn from, assist, your friends and family need you just like you need them, accept them for exactly who they are right now. If they want to change you, let them go they were given to you as a gift of lesson.
Don’t allow frustration of what you see as their potential to become the weapon to sabotage your relationship with them. Everyone is responsible to live their own life, we don’t control another soul, Jesus gave us the gift of free will so we have the potential to become what we need to be. We have this strong need to want to make everyone love proud of us, yet for many that will not be fulfilled unless we follow their plan. Guess what they could love us with everything they have, put all their time and effort into caring for us, but that doesn’t make their plan ours. Time is precious and we should spend our time wisely but that doesn’t mean we have a set time line and it’s do or die for our dreams. If you want something go get it its not too late.
Birds of a feather definitely flock together keep those around who push you or allow you to be whoever it is you feel, and that is when you find your way.
I’m done I’m done ignoring my heart I won’t do it again. I let it slide the last time I seeked but not again. I deserve the truth.
*****Remember your most cherished possession, the Shield of God.