The Pride Slide

I spent almost twenty years in a relationship that was full of pride, correction, and anger.  It was easy to love when I was younger; before all the pain; hurt, mistakes, I was not afraid of giving my heart away.  I think it is a huge decision when we choose to give our heart to another even after all the pain; and we say that another person is worth it; even knowing all we know now.  When I found my relationship again with Gus; it began as a friendship that we shared; just as we did; twenty years back when we parted ways.

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My relationship that I held onto so long; was  due to years of trying to figure out who we were as individuals; while trying to prove to one another why we were right and the other was wrong, the only unification I felt was during the time we trained to complete a marathon and that was a process that was only 1/2 a year.  On the daily; we seemed to begin to keep a detailed tally on a mental scorecard of what the other was doing or NOT doing. It finally got to the point when you realize it isn’t a phase, it doesn’t even matter who is right or wrong; it was about putting each other through hell.

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When everything it should have been about, it wasn’t like , sharing; sharing what we know or feel with another and trying to understand those things  we don’t understand.  Receiving, Receiving what the other person is trying to convey and/or trying to understand about one another and how it relates to us and how we can help one another with love and understanding; even if it is just listening.

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It is about caring; caring and giving that other person the care they deserve.  While Pride keeps you wanting to make them think you don’t care too much; they just need to care.

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WE as a whole want to be understood; but we don’t give people what we crave when we are too busy watching what they are/aren’t giving.  The truth is we are all sinners’ and when you are pointing the finger at someone there are 3 fingers pointing back at you.  It is hard when we don’t feel understood; and for me that is my shut down moment.

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In a good relationship it is pertinent to communicate about all issues.  Sometimes I want to share or explain what it is that  I am feeling; sometimes because,  I~ myself, am trying to understand it; what exactly it is that I am feeling.  I may share a feeling for additional insight to help me understand; I want to see how you feel about what I am sharing to make me feel better; or I may not want or expect any feedback; I just want you to listen, I want to know that you care.

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When you listen effectively you aren’t concerned with control; or think about what you are going to say next to prove a point; or fix or manipulate an issue.  Letting go of Pride is realizing you do not have to always prove something; and it isn’t about who is to blame.

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It doesn’t matter how you spin it; it takes 2; and if you want to know who is to blame; it is the both or all involved  who are not working on or ignoring the issue.

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When a person is communicating with another effectively; you know, and can feel when you have been heard.  Even if you don’t understand, trying to understand another is a beautiful feeling.  When Pride is alive; it is very apparent; you see that ego.

Some need to share their own personal hurt, pain, and disconnect; because they want to share how they are being affected by whatever it is that it causing their personal disconnection.  Sometimes; a disconnection between two people is very different for each person involved; and the only way to truly understand is listening to what the other person is feeling.  Listen with love, understanding, and care; you would never want someone to hold onto feelings that bring them down; or cause a disconnection between you and them.  If there is; you need to figure out how to fix that or negative feelings dwelling will impact your relationship with one another.

You either take the time; work hard, or let go; I know I let go when I realized I didn’t feel worth it to them any longer; I wasn’t worth their time to stop whatever it was that they were doing that they felt was more important to give their time to.  I don’t want anyone to listen to me out of habit; or control; I want them to listen because they want to understand and they think I am worth trying to understand when we are at odds.

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I want to give my loved ones the same; with no pride or huge ego.

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I didn’t want to hear another excuse; I wanted apologies to begin at some point; I wanted each to admit their responsible part; or at least start figuring out what part they played during the disconnection.  I wanted to know that you weren’t going to blame me for mistakes you made; and I want to take responsibility when I have made a mistake to hurt you.  I want to be able to openly communicate; with little judgement; and a kind heart.  I want to be able to believe in each other that we won’t do those things we know hurt each other.  I want us to practice forgiveness; by learning how to make things better.

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I just knew what was real ; the hurt and disconnection I shared with you, it wasn’t acknowledged; it was rebutted with the scorecard, which angered me; and then I began to use my scorecard.

I didn’t want to hear another example of how someone else felt about what I had to do things to make things “right;” I didn’t want to hear another example of why I had to give  more time to do those things another needed to do to get to where they needed to be; so they could take “us” to where we needed to go.   You promised me you would always be here for me; but when I told you I needed you; you told me~later.  I believed everything you said to me; and I made excuse after excuse of why it hadn’t quite happened yet~but it would.

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How did they know where I wanted to go,  they didn’t even take time out to find out where I currently was.  I just knew where things had been, where they were; where they seemed headed to; it was not where I wanted to be.  You saw the girl, and I saw the boy who lived in our mind; but who never came to be.

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The hardest thing I have ever done; is letting go of all the belief I had; and realizing some people are not the person you are going to ever get that from. I had to stop convincing myself that loyalty was sitting there and waiting.

SO, I put my hand on the door and did one of the hardest things I had to do.  We left each other at least two years before I finally left the house the day; living separate lives; in separate rooms in the same house.  I was the one who finally had to make the move; so of course I felt mean; scared, weak; lost; and still it was nothing worst then the feeling of losing all your personal magic from losing yourself because you were holding onto long to something that never was true.  I spent years sick; physically sick from crying and fighting and allowing myself to metaphorically die over you.

I was determined to let go of my pride; find my strength so that I can feel like the innocent me again, the one who remembered a different kind of love.

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I would create the new me; and just to learn to love differently.

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I needed to find my place; I needed to create a new home where there was peace.  I needed to find someone  who I could call my friend; it had been years since I touched someone and they touched me in a physical or emotional-sense; I missed it; but they were going to have to be worth it.

I was at the point where I would give all I had to find that connection again; between me and another soul; even if I wanted a forever and ever, this wasn’t it, and I knew it.

My moon, my man
So changeable and
Such a loveable lamb to me

My care, my coat
Leave on a high note
There’s nowhere to go but on

Heart on my sleeve
Not where it should be
The song’s out of key again

My moon’s white face
What day and what phase
It’s the calendar page again

Take it slow
Take it easy on me
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please
Take it slow
Take it easy on me
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please

My moon and me
Not as good as we’ve been
It’s the dirtiest clean I know

My care, my coat
Leave on a high note
There’s nowhere to go
There’s nowhere to go

Take it slow
Take it easy on me
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please
Take it slow
Take it easy on me
And shed some light
Shed some light on me please

My moon
My moon my man
My moon
My moon my man
My moon
My moon my man
My moon
My moon my man

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STOP proving to another how wrong that person is if you want to remain their friend.  Who wants to be around anyone who makes them feel they are wrong or need change and adjustments.  I am brutally honest; I won’t lie; but open communication involves understanding it is not your job to change another person.  Share what you know; they can take your advice or leave it.

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I need to know what I feel and say is important enough to be heard.  I don’t need to hear about all the ways I am wrong; I need to hear about all the ways I am right~ just for you.  I need to know all those “feelings” that you don’t understand; because I want to know that you want to try to understand  them.  I want you to know that I care about your feelings and all those “feelings” that I don’t understand I am trying to; because guess what we deserve it. When a disconnection is felt; that is usually one of the strongest times you will see  Pride fighting to win.  Some people don’t and will never put down their pride; and  to this day you hear them speak; you see their actions and you see all the pride . Guess what love is worth it; and feels so much greater; it takes harder work; so Pride is easier; but the work is worth it especially when it is for people who will unconditionally love us back; and who deserve it; like our children.

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How could two people ever understand the another when people are determined to NOT understand the other; but make the other understand

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I am not sure at this very moment when the EXACT moment of REALIZATION came to me; it was sometime this past July 2016 after a very hard time and numerous personal struggles.  I just knew that the Lord wanted me to work on letting go of Pride; and taming that ego of mine.   It seemed every chance I was given; the Lord sent my visitor ~ Mr. Humble Handyman in so many different occasions; he was ready though ; always ready to work on and through me, to exterminate every sign of any existence of Pride and all its relatives, friends, and accomplices.  I am going to take everything you have; everything that makes you forget the truth; the truth that you know but choose to ignore, the important truth you need to remember; the truth that will continue to lead  in doing his~ (the one that is #1) THE LORD’s work; my true life purpose.

Since I was little; I loved to dress up; it always made me feel something different about myself that I needed to feel.  I grew up making most of my own clothes, my dad would shake his head as he didn’t quite understand; as I rummaged through all the vintage clothes at different shops around the city; for something that spoke to me; every article held meaning; and I altered almost all my clothes to make them me.  When I was even younger, I remember looking for everyone’s makeup in my grandma’s house so I could allow myself the opportunity to feel more of what I was for that particular moment.  My grandma had 6 children; 2 boys and 4 girls; so I had grown up with a handful of beautiful ladies; who dressed up; put on make up, and allowed me to experience each one of their own transitions on very different levels.   When they would leave for the night; some dates, work; wherever they went~ I would then open up all their makeup in awe…. I began to apply it to my face; much like a painter would on a blank canvas; and immediately had a feeling of power; a power to create any emotion.  I could intensify feelings with color, anything I wanted; every stroke; line;  with the different brush’s was an emphasis in my mind; I didn’t concentrate too much on covering up or changing.  I never wanted to take away from who I already was; and I never wanted to feel fake; if something didn’t feel like me; I never tried it again; or on certain rare occasions.  I hardly wear false eye-lashes; I don’t really need them and when I add them; it is obvious I just don’t feel like me; some nights maybe New Year I want to feel more extravagant but that isn’t the norm .  If I use make up  it needs to give me gave me a feeling of magic; not a feeling of covering up who I am; I love to sprinkle hope of color; pizzazz, sparkle~glitter; shine on my lips; I want it to encourage me to be proud of what I want to accomplish for the day.

When I went outside in the world there were a people who saw it; they saw the shine; and the acknowledged it; they showed me their shine~ some people keep their shine hidden; because somewhere someone lied to them and told them they didn’t have any or that it is wrong to show your shine to another. There are a lot of mean people out there; they don’t see another person’s shine; they see a person who is outrageous, self-interested, conceited  used, or continuously self involved they make fun of; or mock what they don’t understand.

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People who are self involved do not do for another; they want people to do for them; they won’t take out time in their life to care about another; or to understand another; because it really isn’t about another…that is farthest from the truth for me!

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So no matter what people say; they can’t make another believe who actually knows or strives to know the truth~ lies about another.  If you are so nitpicky that your main argument is based on the someone’s SELFIES; style or number~ you should re-evaluate the fact that there really is bigger fish to fry out there. Don’t prove you are inferior in your thinking; and show your brain is smarter by the issues that really matter.

I share “me” with the world because I want others to know, ” I feel just like you”; and hope you will relate and there will be a common comparison or understanding.  I hope to inspire, encourage, and show support to as many souls as are in need of what I have to offer.

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As Gus says, “this ain’t my first rodeo~”people have been hating me my whole life either because they hate the way other people love me~ 

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or because they hate something they don’t understand me and what people don’t understand they find as a threat.

I don’t need assurance from 30, 40, 50, 1000 people, that is why I don’t just accept “anyone” on my social media (personal page) but if I have allowed you in my life; I’d like support from you and I will support you in my own way.  I share what I do; because I am sharing myself with you for the moment.  I am sharing how I feel; it maybe something I am concentrating on feeling or an emotion I am really just feeling strongly about. I also share because i want people to laugh and be happy and if it is at my expense; It is worth it; if it makes you forget stress for a few minute.   I need people to know they are not alone; all the feelings you are feeling; somewhere someone can understand and relate; you are not alone.

Personally, I love pictures~ and when I share a picture I am sharing a feeling more than anything; I love to use edits in photo’s I have taken to create such a feeling; whatever it maybe~

I love to share music;

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Growing up, music was extremely important in the sense of escaping; but even more important and today; I use music for establishing, and  deepening already existing connections.

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I also find video’s  encourage in the same way; and are very effective.

I will do whatever it takes to remind myself every time I forget or have a hard day my worth; I am worthy.  I need to feel worthy so that I can continue to kick ass for my family, friends, and myself.  So, if you like me or you hate me and if you can’t stand seeing my face or reading my words of ideas and feelings; it really is very easy to get cured from ~the Michele Virus; forget me; don’t watch~easy as that.

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For the record; rumor has it by those who don’t know me and listen to those who don’t know me; or never met me; that I am arrogant.  I have never really have had a problem or belief in thinking I am better than anyone else; I truly strongly believe we are all equal’s in the eyes of the Lord; some of us seem to have been blessed more in one way while others of us are blessed in other ways.  I am one to talk to talk to BIG because I want and expect others to talk to BIG; so together we can make HUGE things happen.  I feel I was placed on this earth to motivate and encourage; and if I want to walk the walk I need to talk the talk.

I do have a problem with Pride in a different way; when someone I love hurts me; I will tell myself… DISAPPEAR I don’t need this shit; rather than working hard and seeing what part I am actually playing in this whatever it maybe at the moment~ not so good situation.  It is really hard to look at yourself and it so easy to point the finger at the other; and say … if only …

I will continue to do whatever it is that I need to do; to be the best me; and continue to do whatever it is I have to do; whether people understand it or not.

Princess Bologna Pony

Gus lovingly, affectionately calls me his Bologna Pony.  The funny thing is; I feel like a pony; and when he first brought it to my attention; I was actually walking with a trot. Standing tall; proud; and happy, like a child I tend to hold  an innocence that is one of the biggest part of my heart.   He has used the term in so many ways; but I noticed he began to use it when he was questioning my motives for my expressive gallops.  He knew I had a mission; he knew when I moved with such prestige and diligence; I had to be up to something; and if he didn’t know of it; this journey was not necessary.  Gus looks at me in all my expression; and knows the display is interesting to watch; he wants me to walk; crawl and with frustration he acknowledges~ it isn’t one thing that the Bologna Pony can change to effectively make her less appealing.  Gus say’s that he hates bologna~ growing up poor; bologna is something saved for the last resort; when it is all that is left.  Gus said from the beginning he hated, “attention getter’s,” he felt in his previous relationship he learned the feeling of easy cheap meat~anyone and everyone has access to it.  Even during the hard times he would rather starve then eat such a meat.   Gus said there is very few people who know that bologna can also be made from the best cuts of the best meat; but it is still the real-deal~ from the places of life that have kept a person down to earth; it is very comforting.  Gus say’s there is something called Jelly Moose Nose “Bologna “(Moose Pie) that has a taste one could only describe as interesting!  Full of flavor Gus say’s after you taste it; you just can’t stop thinking about it, taste and it’s like, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”! Gus also say’s he has very strong sexual feelings for me; and the bologna reminds him of our strong sexual connection but the pony reminds him of my innocence; he said when you look at me; sexual fantasy is where he goes; and then my happiness and playful ways take him to the love of my innocence; he struggles with the strong stallion at times/hardcore lover and often other times plays with his pony~ and tells himself I am not full of Bologna; I have substance; I am not full of shit, I am not cheap , and like perfection this piece (me) fits all aspects of his life.I asked  Gus if he could draw a representation of the bologna pony I am for this blog…

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Gus says even though he has found the secret on how to take the Bologna Pony down off her high-horse; the victory is short-lived; it doesn’t take for long for the pony to be back in full force; and there he finds himself again riding the Galloping Bologna Pony Express.

I have never have the opportunity to stay on my high horse for too long; I am blessed the Lord gives me to opportunity to experience the feelings  of a boss; but he always takes me back down off my high horse when it is time for me to remember the importance of humbleness.

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Being humble and selfless

My grandmother is one of the most important people in my life;

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she is very loving, she is very selfless, and she would crawl dying in a desert thirsty trying to survive just to find more water for all those people she loves; luckily I am one of them.wp-1470569508722.jpg

Left my grandma Right me

Since I was a little girl; my grandma and I have battled; head strong ; and let me tell you we are those kind of fighters who are so determined; we will go down fighting for our beliefs or fight for those we feel need it.  When I was a child; my grandma felt I needed it; so she went it fighting for me every chance she had; and she still does in her eighties.  She will always see me as her child in her eyes; her fight will always be for me; even when it’s against me.

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WE have a problem understanding each other at times because we are from different generations;

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but we are both headstrong in sharing our beliefs with one another; and when it comes down to it; we are both open-minded when we feel we understand.  How can people understand each other though when they don’t communicate, when they want to hold on to their beliefs so strongly that they forget how to listen, really listen.  My grandmother and I were at odds for a while; a day seems like an eternity when I am at odd’s with her.  We were both crying ourselves to sleep at night; and staying as strong as possible during the day to remain strong and in control.  We both lost control because we held on so tight to our pride.

My dad,

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my Gus,

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and my daughter can try to persuade me;

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they can try to help but when it comes down to it; it is between me and my grandma.

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I had to let go; I had to realize that no matter how critical I feel my grandma is to me; I am who I say I am and she is who she is.  I can be a stubborn woman  who holds on to her convictions but the reality is; I am who I am and no matter what anyone says; it has never bothered me; unless it is someone near and dear to my heart; then I care a lot. My grandma holds on to her convictions and no matter what they maybe; I have grown to understand I don’t have to live another day upset and away from my grandma just because she doesn’t understand my on the level I think she should.  My grandma has been my caretaker since I was little; she has given her all; to give me what she felt would help me throughout different times in my life.  My grandma has listened to me cry, has felt my hurt when I just needed someone to cry to; when no one else would understand; my grandma gave her time to try to.  She’s strong but so sensitive; she feels deeply; and is protective like the bravest soul I have met; she doesn’t think about herself; she does what is right for all.  If something isn’t right; she will tell you straight out like it is; and if you don’t get it; she won’t give up until you do.

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It is very easy to get feelings hurt; and to feel it is necessary to stand your ground; to prove your convictions are strong in your beliefs.  You know what, when you love someone; being right doesn’t matter, you don’t have anything to prove; because the truth is; what you are proving is that you are too stupid to realize the treasure you are losing.

 

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