My Inner Essence ~where are you; I am calling for you now!
Delighting in the simplicity once again; that is where I need to be. Remembering how great all the simple things in life feel; smelling flowers-finding beauty in the colors-a hug and how comforting it feels; a kiss and how intimate and exclusive it is. The companionship of having another who I can share with and who can share with me. The fact that the world is beautiful; all that God made with his magnificent creations.
Can I forget all that I have conditioned myself to be over the years? Can I stop the urges for materialistic things; and find happiness within? I am more ready than ever before; much more wiser; and much more willing. I am in charge of what lives inside my conscious and there is no doubt I need a shift in my thinking. I need to wake up and find myself, me; I am ready to find Michele. During the years of my life so far; I have had some major traumatic events; losses, and spiritual journey’s that have given my life different meanings and a new power.
Why do I trick myself, why do I worry my mind; why do I build defense mechanisms; I have learned there is no equal fight against evil, we aren’t even playing with the same weapons; how do I suppose I will win? So, how do I win, HOW? HOW? HOW!
Life has left me so scarred, in reality I am completely mad; I am convinced not just myself; but all humans are mentally ill; and so disillusioned no matter what I do; I find myself battling against the world. I don’t know why with all my love for the Lord; I allow myself to choose the option Jesus wouldn’t choose. It is so easy to dismiss all those things we don’t want to face; stay busy; and continue on….. no matter how great I feel at times; no matter how much I amaze myself when I do something miraculous~something the average person doesn’t; no matter how super my achievements maybe; and how many people I assist; I still find myself making myself believe that I am not enough. No matter how beautiful art, the flowers, creatures, huge dark beautiful star lit ski, I still look at all the ugly “acts” the world holds. Many people believe one cannot truly appreciate the beauty of the light unless they have seen the ugly of the dark… All the smarts and intelligence we hold; yet we are at a constant struggle with the madness our mind creates.
Why do I fight; am I greedy? Do I want to hold all the power? Do I want to belittle or demean others to keep them down? HELL NO! That is not what I am about? So why do I make another soul suffer? Most people make others suffer when they themselves are suffering.
I don’t think with suffer in my mind; but I believe that I am found suffering more than I would ever want for myself or any other soul. It makes me sad the way the world is so driven by greed and ignorance; and I refuse to watch the news or think about how human beings are treating other human beings… WHY? Will we ever know; I just know that we are destroying all we have; we are destroying each other; and we are destroying our own self! We are all paranoid; we don’t trust a soul; and we believe every person on this earth is capable of violence. We have a strong fear that we will get cruel treatment; we have seen it before; some people believe there is nothing wrong with being too careful…. but what happens when its a close relationship we hold with another and all of what we condition ourselves to be manifest.
When we are full of fear; we WILL misinterpret every situation while we hold onto that fear; our actions our then misguided based on a LIE; we want more; but we have fear… we are not able to be fulfilled. We are told let go of FEAR… no matter how hard we try; we can’t. As long as we try to be good; we will never get there! We can’t try to be something we are not; maybe for a minute we can stop and look for the goodness that lives in you; look for the goodness in others; and look for goodness in general…. Guess what emerges; the GOOD. (the opposite is true for those looking for the bad) The external part of our life; will only change in the way we want after the internal part of our life is changed. Falling in love with the idea of changing my mind; is apparent when I realize I am ultimately led to my Salvation!
Recognizing your own insanity is the arising to sanity; the beginning of healing and transitions.
How am I living? Is this the life I want; am I creating suffering for myself? ONe thing for sure anything that divides or disconnects isn’t the right way!!! When we divide in even religion; we know we aren’t doing it right. We should be on a path that leads to love, unification; and connection.
The soul always knows what to do to heal itself; the challenge is to silence the mind.