Sometimes, I am Thomas~

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Call me Thomas!

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Thomas

I feel like a hypocrite when I spend so much time encouraging others, lifting and amplifying positive energy when at times I allow myself to drown and be weighed down by my doubt.

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John 20:24 Thomas was not with the 12 disciples when Jesus came.  The other disciples told him they had seen the Lord, and he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” A week later, Jesus came through the locked door, and said… “Peace be with you!” then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, see my hands.  Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Thomas said, “My Lord, My God.” Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen me and yet have believed.”

I have survived tragedy, again and again and ~

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I have been so tired from just crying.

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I have endured pain and yelled at everyone around me.

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I have struggled with sadness

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and I have been OK; in fact I have triumphantly risen to a higher plane than ever before;

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yet I still am afraid and allow anxiety to feel my spirit.  I never want to pretend!   Once you have been at the bottom one would think you can longer fear because you know it; and you lived on…

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I think though, once you have been at a place many would consider lowest of the low,

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you fear more because you know it is real; and you don’t ever want to go back there.  You understand that all things that are awful are possible; we get hurt and those we love get hurt in the worst ways possible; and so many things are out of our hands.

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We fear being alone or feeling alone forever where we don’t have that connection with another soul who understands things on our level.  Many people don’t care like we may, some people don’t understand and they just can’t and that often divides; sometimes that division is what makes a person stay on either side.

Our spirits were like a breeze of wind together flying a little higher than substance it was free, amazingly connected and then like a pause the flight was stopped, the dance was over;

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and more than anything you wanted them to cross the bridge with you where the dance could begin once again because you needed it, so bad; but they just stayed across on the other side, waving and cheering you on from way over there.

I was born from teen parents who loved me even though I wasn’t planned; I know that feeling stuck is an awful feeling.  Stuck with no options, stuck with fear, stuck with anticipation~ which is usually the worst scenario we can fathom.

I have survived a kidnapping, rape, drugs, alcoholism, abuse, homelessness, mental health issues,

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physical issues, betrayal, addiction, depression, suicidal tendencies, 

I kept going with all the fright I had in me to survive; and even when I wanted to just die… I didn’t.  I don’t give up; I keep marching with Jesus by my side; even when I don’t see him I will always believe… and when I look back at what I have been through, I do see him.

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I have walked away from all I know to find better even while feeling I had nothing left to lose; I wanted so bad to hang on tight to the only thing I knew for sure I had left… and each step in an unknown direction is like an additional scary moment of realization that it’s possible to lose the only thing left you know; you can lose it all it seems.  Sometimes we need help from the highest source possible; there is only ONE who can lift you up… God! 

Then,

After a while you begin to forget, you begin to forget the pain, you begin to forget the strong desire to all those things you were addicted to, you stop missing the things you left behind; 

and you begin things differently; because you feel different; you are different. You miss the people you left behind, often times you revert a little, you feel worthless again, and sometimes a little empty but you continue to let it go… and then you start over again, and again and tomorrow again… You begin to dream and you are no longer tired of being tired; because you are ready to live.
Sometimes the biggest messages are brought by messengers who have their moments from when they were speechless… it just wasn’t the time; but know it is; it is the time!

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