Focus or Fucus, I decide!

Blog feature Song~

I always questioned Gus when we first met if he really was all he said to be, I made this video in regards to my love and fear…

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I have had too many experiences with people I allowed into my/our life and they attempted to mess with us in their own selfish way. I have met many people who are all talk  and their talk definitely doesn’t match their walk. Does yours? think about that as a theme for this blog.

I was recently in a situation that has had me reevaluating the role I play in my relationships

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or lack thereof that I share with those I love, care for, and miss.

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The truth is, we are all learning, surviving and trying what we consider “our best” by just taking it a day at a time with days often flying by while we continuously find our self in the same situation we were in before.  A vicious circle of a never-ending merry go rideand even when we are sick and exhausted we just continue to stay on the same ride.  I know I don’t want to make the same mistakes repeatedly so the only way to change the situation is get off the damn ride and find another way!

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It’s not always obvious we are heading down the same road but when we are aware and see familiar signs we need to pay attention. I am talking about all relationships I hold dear,  those with friends, parents, family, my lover, anyone who plays a part in my life. I may not always make the time to spend with all the people I love, and I always regret it; but I care for you nonetheless; if I don’t see you often we need to work on that,  but it doesn’t mean you have any less meaning to me than someone I get the chance to see more often a lot of time that is completely situational based. I hold people in my life dear to me, those in my heart I would do anything for and you are important to me, I hurt when you hurt, and when you hurt me, it goes deep and while I may always forgive you because I value understanding and grace, it doesn’t mean I won’t set you free to be true to me.

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I’d consider one of my biggest weaknesses is that I allow myself to get so emotional over people who really aren’t worth it.

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I wasted so much of my time investing my love and energy into people who just are not good for me, they don’t want the same things I want and bring around all those things I don’t want or need in my life.  I have lost many people who I truly love and who truly love me, the ones who know who I am and what I am about and really appreciate me for the person I am. I have disconnected because at some point I was or still am consumed with unresolved hurt and pain, maybe on both sides.

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Who are you really angry at?  I know I have unintentionally transferred my emotions to all the people around me at the time and sometimes it hurts realizing it.  My loved ones have done the same to me, transferred their hurt or anger to me, I am the easier target, you can be angry at me safely because you think I will always allow it.

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The truth hurts and that is that we can’t go around hurting people who don’t deserve it and expect our relationship to be okay.  Are you are willing to work with me so we can continue to learn and grow and excel in this world in our life and lift each other to great heights?  I won’t allow stagnant water

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it begins to stink after a while, its easier sometimes to say bye our journey has ended, and just like that, we are strangers again~

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the realization is sometimes sad and painful but not every person is willing to go where you want and/or need to be.

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I know for me the last thing I need is to do anything that will cause more problems for me or those I love around me, life is difficult all on its own. Many times, the comfort of the familiar has us to believe it is the safest bet, so we choose to keep a situation we have become accustomed to which creates more problems down the road rather and not even to think about all our precious time we spent with the wrong people; learning painful lessons; it is no doubt setting out to face the scary unknown is terrifying.

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We don’t want to acknowledge the emotion or where/when it’s manifestations were weaved into our reality, and even worse when it became an acceptable existence.  I find it completely disrespectful and completely weak when people whine and blame everything on everyone else… We vent to our friends that is healthy realization, I am talking about the people who whine about the same situations they put their own self in over again and again, wanting you to feel sorry for them, when it’s their choice! I don’t feel sorry for you I am losing all respect for you, and no I don’t even want to understand you or your motives.

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I know I make mistakes and will again so I need to really check myself on times I may have intentionally chosen to do wrong, which choices will I work on immediately and which I will accept as a flawed non-perfect human who strives to do what is right but will be forgiving to myself.  Realizing when I have intentionally been hurt, and really understanding if the person finds error in their way, if they are really sorry, and if they are trying to change the situation; doing everything in their power to make sure they won’t ever hurt me in that same way ever again… This is a complete other blog 😉

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How about the times I have been hurt or hurt someone I love unintentionally,

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it happens and that is when you know someone is worth understanding even when it hurts,

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and that is when you realize you may not be worth understanding to others and if they don’t see your worth, they need to leave your world.

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Making excuses instead of facing the truth is a natural defense mechanism that we learn early in our childhood.  If I didn’t or hadn’t ever faced the realization that defending what is not true will never work in my favor in the growth of my soul I would probably choose to lie and con my way about in my world.

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A bullshitter gets away with a prize sometimes a huge temporary satisfying LIE.

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The older I get, the more transparent people get, I continue to work hard to understand my own self, and others better, and even with forever changing situations everything is general.  For those of us who really pay attention, we begin to realize it is simple and basic just got to go back to the beginning but with all the acquired wisdom.

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Admitting our own specific fears that block our growth and excellence is essential to hitting it.  Fears in my head began at a point in time, and knowing I can kick their existence outta my mind is powerful. During specific times, I have found myself having feelings of negativity,  a negative sentiment, not completely understanding but realizing I have an intuition that always has spoken the truth to me, I have felt it at specific times or when I go to certain places or around certain people.  I can’t just choose to be aware I must also trust myself and act.

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I learned long ago the things I ignore are those things that won’t take me to the peace my world needs, if someone fucks with me I realize I don’t need them.

If I allow them to keep fucking with me it is my choice to be fucked with~

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I am allowing the existence into my reality.

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I choose my reality, I will explore, ideas will form~ brand new ideas not from previously accepted situations, but from the reality I am committed to make as the life I want and deserve. Each belief an individual holds that is formed over time makes us realize how different and complex we as individuals are, our own reality feels very different from other even during similar situations. I know that in our community we see the horrible things that fear leads people to do, it will always keep us separate.  It may seem safer to just bunker down and hide in your own haven because your tired of getting screwed by people you helped or tried to, it may make you seem better for the moment (we have learned sometimes feeling better for the moment is better than never feeling better at all) but then we find ourselves later feeling even worst after living with the consequences that have now become a part in the creation of our new reality.

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Understanding that we have control on our world sounds easy but it isn’t especially with our previously set beliefs, changing our own minds is difficult yet we think we can easily change another’s … when that isn’t even our place…

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I am confident in leading and following, I am ready to always learn and try to understand, but I will not allow a conniving existence in my arena just to understand it better. If someone wants to understand me they will follow along by my side and if they don’t want it I can’t lead another to an understanding of they don’t want to accept it. I am not talking about always agreeing it’s ok to try and understand, sometimes compromise, but never compromise your values.  If we don’t trust each other why would you want to walk by my side? I know if someone can’t lead me or allow me to lead them; that relationship seems it could be a waste of time…

Some people think it is their right to demand respect and don’t like that they should prove their worth to others, especially when they don’t feel very worthy themselves. Everything is taken out of context and they see another has attacked and belittled them when it only exists in their head. If someone disrespects me I feel thankful they lead me to an understanding they showed me who and what they are, and if it’s early in the relationship it’s kind of them to show me their colors so early on and much easier to understand exactly what I don’t need or want in my life…The only place these types have ever lead me to was Regret! Go back to elementary you know what like and dislike feels like.

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I honestly respect everyone ~until they lose my respect.

I know I always need to take care of my own self first or I will be no good to others, especially those who are my world. When I reached the level in my consciousness to understand that I have the power and only I…to change my own world, it really opened my mind in a new way, I become aware of what I am willing to take ownership of and what I need to work on to let go of. If someone hurts me it is my choice to allow them to do it again and again… so who’s really hurting me? Each person’s priority is different, each person holds different standards and beliefs and some people will never admit their own faults but continue to blame everyone else or their own specific scapegoat who became their target at some point.

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I have a strong desire to comprehend where and when my specific emotions came to be.  I try to practice understanding and reassigning the emotions allowing them to have a new meaning that I can use to build myself and those I care for up.

Gus, (my partner on this mission) hates when I say, “feelings are never wrong!”,  😂 we shall continue to “argue” in our playful way until one of comes to a newer updated understanding…

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I am going to win this Gus 😉 our feelings come from our NEEDS…like little minions we put them on the shelf labeled with our own meanings; when our needs are met we categorize that met need to a feeling, when our needs are NOT met that is categorized to a different feeling.

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[Insert a disagreement you remember…A specific time something happened/didn’t happen as planned] considering we all have different motives and agendas and expectations if we don’t continuously understand what we need how are we going to effectively communicate them to another. If your need isn’t met we assigned the feeling. We can always change the categorization with new information or realizations but only if our feelings change…So the past and new feeling are both real and correct but with communication and insight the feeling has been categorized into a different place.

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I don’t have a problem telling people what I expect and need and they should always be honest with me, sometimes it takes time, and that is understandable but be upfront if you really care and if you don’t care, you are NOT on my side and need to get to step-in…

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I will never get off the road of Inner Freedom!

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