I feel so mentally drained tonight! I feel like I am having my own mania parade. It’s been days since I’ve slept peacefully; and I just feel so sad, I’m trying so hard to believe everything is great and will work out; but its so stressful and i feel myself unraveling.
When I got home, my Miley told me I look pale; I know my blood pressure is off the charts… and I know Gus will be home soon but I can’t sike myself out anymore… it’s too hard ! I had a great today; woke up dancing
and cheering and then my kids leave for the weekend with their dad and as I turn from smiling and waving bye; I enter my empty home and here come the tears!! I haven’t had a knot in my throat for a long time like this.
I’m trying hard God to smile; remain happy, and at peace; I need you Jesus! I had a long day of reminder after reminder of focusing on positivity, reminding myself in a blink Gus will be home; try to have fun with connect with those you love, rest, get all your work done; just stay busy.
Then I get angry… I find myself beginning to allow myself to feel sorry for myself something I don’t do very often…
Why am I always left alone to figure things out; to clean up the mess and organize solutions; this lock up is the first but it happens all the time just usually at the hospital.
I am angry I always have to deal with the pressure alone. Then all day, his mom, my grandma, are pulling me; mentally i am falling apart at this very moment. I have plans with Veronica, my grandma, his mom all in just a matter of hours; I just want to run … run away !
Alone, afraid, i can’t take another moment! !! Angry at his choices angry i have to worry and be stressed with sickness i feel weak O feel sick and I feel like shit !!!!
I am not still, I am being manipulated in every direction by so many people no one knows how i just want to break and have no energy to even finish writing
and deep down all I know is it is time; time for the end~~~~