Words mean my world to me, I give them life and death. I allow words to resonate in my brain automatically and I choose which words lose meaning and which shall die.
I know I am in control of my thoughts, sometimes peoples words have a major play in my thoughts and I allow that to manipulate my behavior especially subconsciously.
This morning I’ve been thinking about when my grandma darling passed away, and how I held her hand and spoke to her from my heart as she unconsciously was at bedside. I hoped and prayed she could hear me, but wondered the reality.
This morning I also experienced something different but maybe the same. I was having a nightmare~
My significant other and I were asleep in a dark room on a small couch, (I was having trouble sleeping all night and had kept waking up and just sitting up conflicted but super tired) I was having trouble sleeping in this dream as well and I kept waking up to look at a candle I had lit to give me an internal safe assurance. Sidenote~ ever since I was a teen I would have a candle lit daily, and when I would cry and feel sad and couldn’t sleep I would see the flame, and find peace. I would find peace in the fragrance of the candle which reminded me I could control my environment even when it felt chaotic. I would see the flicker of the flame and it would give me hope, of the Holy Spirit being the power that gave me light in my world.
So, in my dream I heard someone breaking through the front door, and when they entered my candle blew out the room was pitch dark and that was the scariest feeling ever, I could find no reassurance, I felt a screwdriver in my hand and felt a little power, I imagined how I would shred anything bad; I decided to try and quietly wake up my partner so we could do this together, but then I heard him talking to me from another place that seemed so far away. I couldn’t answer him back it was as if I had absolutely no control over my body anymore. I could hear him talking to me, teasing me and giving me doubt when all I needed was assurance.
Then I woke up and was back in the real world, realizing his talking was actually waking me up as he was leaving for work. When I woke I was left with such a terrible feeling of doubt.
I think it can be easy making a habit of allowing our past hurts and thoughts to give life to fears in our life. Fears that will divide and diminish that strength that comes from love and assurance.
Living with past hurts and bundles of people who weren’t supposed to hurt you but did, makes your mind protect you in anyway it can including taking over the control of your body. I truly understood this from my dream. I know in my daily life, the first thing I think about is, how I am going to tackle all my preset problems, each problem has a memory in the brain of a past issue with a person, or similar situation. We have defense mechanisms to defend ourselves currently from what we remember from the past.
What is interesting is that emotions are the end product of past experiences, so when someone says that I am emotional; yes it is because I have had a lot of rough past experiences; and maybe only another who has as well could truly understand this.
I have got to begin thinking greater, than how I feel! NOW!