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o boy ~

I think there comes a time in our lives when we wonder why we chase certain things and or people. We waste so much energy chasing a certain thing we imagine we will get from some outside source.

A very familiar song came on last night; which had a significant hold on me; but I didn’t quite understand why and for years I just believed everything I ever believed before but nothing different. We really are the only one who holds the power to change our own mind.

“Lady Starlight”

Walking through a winter night,
Counting the stars
And passing time
I dream about the summer days,
Love in the sun
And lonely bays

I see the stars, they’re miles and miles away
Like our love,
On one of these lonely winter nights

Dreaming through a winter night,
Memories of you are passing by
It seems to me like yesterday
I think you knew I couldn’t stay

I see the stars, they’re miles and miles away
Like our love
Lady starlight, help me to find my love
Lady starlight, help me tonight
Help me to find my love

Walking through a winter night,
Counting the stars
And passing time
Snow dances with the wind
I wish, I could be with you again

I see the stars, they’re miles and miles away
Like our love
Lady starlight, help me to find my love
Lady starlight, help me tonight
Help me to find my love

Lady starlight, help me tonight
Help me to find my love

Lady starlight, help me tonight
Help me to find my love

This song finally makes sense to me; in so many ways~ I know for a fact the truth will only come out when it is meant to; you can pray and ask for understanding but we can only understand from those eyes which we see. Sometimes we really need to clear our view.

What we are chasing out in the world is what we really need to find within. While we may feel rejected, or hurt we sometimes believe we can change anothers mind and that will then fill that void we hold inside. I spent so many nights in my own views believing everything was as is; because it’s how I understood it to be. I blew you up in my head and made you larger than life; and stayed hypnotized by all the antics you played. Always making me wait for the next chance to make you never want to leave me. Why? I know now you know had no control you were only here for the summers. In my mind you could make it happen or it would happen; but then, what? I probably would have then knew I was never really chasing you; I was chasing the idea of you; and all I did was sing myself to sleep.

I am not writing today because I am missing you; I am thinking of me; the one who wasted my own time. You and I never even transpired into anything real, so it is easy to let go. I never even really knew you; this blog is about making Peace with myself and realizng all those young years of me following you, feeling unwanted, had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.

I am still the same Michele Renee always caught up in the circles that still live in my brain. It is easy to get things twisted when you really just think the same thing over and over through. I know now when I flashback and think of all those left behind me; I can learn to leave the baggage at the port.

I think everyone in our life that comes in teaches us something about our own self that we need to learn. I have had a hard time letting go wanting to hold on the familiar because what is even scarier is finding all that is new.

It really isn’t until you feel the warmth of the renewed spirit in the presence of the new do you really realize you left NOTHING behind. I am not the same; you woudn’t recognize me; and that’s ok because you never really even saw me. All the ways I slowed myself down for you; or as me and my partner jokingly say about the past… “dumbed ourself down,” I even didn’t recognize myself. The great thing is that no matter how many years it has been; you will emerge and that little child that was left behind by whoever… you feel left you~ can be found by you!

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