I ALWAYS feel like I am making a huge mistake, since birth I have had that cloud hanging over my lovely head! I have always carried a huge burden for always allowing too many emotions, it really gets me to feeling lost in my sense of who I really am. I have spent my life pretending to have everything handled, trying to manifest it actually happening but the truth is, I am so far from feeling that content secure feeling. Who really does? The one thing is from the very beginning of Michele Renee, my life has always consisted of beginning again and again, over and over, but who really deserves to start over for what seems like, ever.
I have learned a weird sense of content with starting over, but then upset at how far back I still am. I was brought into this world and molded by those I loved to be who they thought I should be. Don’t get me wrong they came to me with a lot of confidence in how I could be a better me out of “love.” LOL! Time taught me kind of young that I really can’t be all the things that people I love want me to be; I can only be me.
It is a huge issue that time doesn’t allow me to concentrate on being so much more, maybe one day when I am not so bruised it shall but not just yet I am still under major construction and all I really need from another is support more than anything.
I have disappointment that lies within, tons of frustration; the past has me looking at what I have to show for my own productions at my age in my life so far. I have spent my time being front and center for those I love numerous times in their life; but I don’t feel a reciprocation. I look at the past and I know I have done a lot of good, I can say that with a clear conscious. I also know I am not a perfect person, and I don’t have perfect relationships and there is really so much work to be done in all relationships.
Who knows maybe deep down no matter how much effort I will put in, others will never see it as “enough”. The hard part is when I love someone I think they are worth all of my effort, but at what price, never feeling an emotional return? The toxic part is keeping the brew brewing, sometimes we have to say, enough feeling unworthy. The time to walk away from all those things that make me feel like I am not enough has to be now. The time to walk away from people who are committed to misunderstanding me should be the moment the doors are closed and they show they are not willing to work, or just make you realize you aren’t worth their energy. Sometimes we focus so much on the “what if’s” that we lose sight of the now and choose to stay upset.
I think one of the hardest parts about realizing at times you may be in a situation where you lost. There are those of us, like myself~ who want to keep fighting to the end; and there are those soldiers who walk away long before because they feel the battle is no longer worth it. I know I have been in certain situations where I will keep fighting the bloody battle long after I really should have left; and for what to come out more wounded than before. Living with hope is hard because you always feel through the fight that moment will come when you get a breakthrough; it just hasn’t seemed to happen for me yet. Enough battles taught me though that moment when you feel alone, battered, and hopeless is the time when I look around and see who is by my side to support me no matter what. My whole life has been a battle, whether I win or lose, it all feels like a loss… and that is the sure sign that I have to keep moving.
At one point I know I always examine and think about what happened and why it happened, but sometimes it is just about simply stopping the inner pain.
One thing is for sure that what can’t be taken from me is my charisma, my true passion for all that I love. I am extremely creative with a very open mind that has tons of ideas on how to get it done. I appreciate life and all those who stand by my side especially during difficult times. All my past has been explored, and I tend to analyze everything to shreds, a tiring task but worth the insight. I know when I am creative I am more myself; and when I shut down I stop my creative projects; this blog is my attempt to share with others, that is me being true to my spirit. I will always speak up; anyone who tries to shut me up isn’t my friend or on my side. I have to really know deep in my heart that what I have to offer another is enough being me.
I know what I need to do~ Get up, Get moving, and seize my life! It is ok not to always feel safe sometimes the jump is the exhilarating feeling to remember who I am. Everything in my past has shown me how confident I can be in my own abilities, I have always been a strong leader and the more I play that role I know others feel secure knowing they can feel confident in me. I have always had a better grasp than most just due to all my past experiences both good and bad. I need to remember that truth about me, and not allow others to make me feel like I am some lost soul needing a direction; I can trust my path.
The truth is I need to be more stern with myself, I need to work harder on those things that mean so much to me. I will enjoy all my hard work soon, what I put my efforts in will be fruitful, and I will be able to celebrate this sooner than later. I need to get to work on all those things that matter in my heart, I need to apply myself because I can do anything I put my mind to; I need to feel proud once again; I deserve it.