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Our wedding <3


Keep the Focus

There is still so much left to do, I think I lied to myself when I was young and told myself that I would have everything figured out by a certain age. All of the ages after my own seemed so old way back then… LOL

I find myself at that age time and time again, and realize each time that I’m still trying to figure out life. It seems I am forever starting over and are destined to be on a completely different path this time around.

It is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can feel overwhelming at times, I know more times than not I have been upset with myself for not figuring things out sooner rather than later.

Precious Time !

People love to act like they are doing everything ahead of schedule, and sometimes later, people will realize that is not what they should have been doing at all. I know I’d like time back.

My best advice is do not judge another and be supportive to others in a loving understanding way, and if you cannot at least stay in your own lane.

Staying positive in life is not always easy, sometimes we gravitate to those people we truly need, some people leave for while and some forever.

We may feel a pull to new people or old friends, and I think that is God telling us it is where we need to be if it gives us peace.

During my life there has been plenty of times I truly did not know where to turn, yet I trusted my path and more time it has lead me to those who will help me get through onto the next path.

I know who my people are, these are the people when I am around them, do not drain me, they do not try to make me into something I am not. The people who are my people give me strength to keep going, they will not allow me to drown, even if it is just with a positive lift during difficult times.

I need to learn to stand up for what I believe, not the beliefs someone said I should believe, but the beliefs I hold near and dear to my heart.
It is hard to not be overly defensive when under constant attack by certain targets, I know I must remember that I have gotten this far, and I will NOT give up on anything worth it easily. When people are overworked and have a lot on their plate, it is hard to see things as they truly are, sometimes our emotions get the better of us; that is when people need their space; and I can respect that.

I would never want to be pain to anyone I love.

Sometimes we need a break, a get a way from the world, time a way to put down the defenses we hold every day. It is important to take the time away to just heal from everything with little distraction. Just remember what is your focus!


Patience and time, 2 Powerful Warriors

I am seriously always being backstabbed, throughout my whole life~ and no, I am not feeling sorry for myself but the truth is the truth. You can do so much for people, and all they will see is what you didn’t do. I am tired of being hurt and I think that is the point where people usually stop caring about others opinions or they just walk away. The amazing thing is how different a situation is to all the people involved, and they only see it through their eyes; so everyone creates their own individual memory of the truth of the current circumstances and the past.

The great thing I have learned is that no matter how convoluted the world around us gets, you learn at some point how to lift up from the clouds and make it happen. I think what is important is always making a time for reflection on all things, even during the terrible times.

Sometimes we learn to hide all our next moves, almost to protect the existence of them, because it seems like the more everyone knows your next move, they begin on working on getting there before you, or better than you, or just try to block your curve; and why? Why can’t we be more supportive to others? Why do we have to learn to protect ourselves so young? The great thing is when we learn early to not allow others to paralyze us; is a sad practice but with that guard up it seems we have our own St. Michael the Archangel sitting over our shoulder. I think the main thing we should really concentrate on is getting rid of all the toxic people who make us feel this is how life should be.

I need to remember to choose wisely, I need to wake up and be surrounded by those people who show support to me in me just allowing me to be me and living with all those positive things that bring my heart to its happiness.

The problem is that when your heart is huge, and you want to make allowances for people that treat you unworthy, is that we make too many “understandings” for them. Life is always going to deliver us with issues, and sometimes the difficult truth is some of us have felt abandoned by those we love over and over again. I know if someone doesn’t want me in their life any longer or for a while, what can I say…

I know how short life is, and when I think about one of the most important relationships, I have had that I felt I had to ignore, it finally has come to a time, where I have finally realized no one really won in the situation, you basically just missed out on past time together that you will never get back.

Sometimes I do feel that people come in and out of our lives for different reasons, and we must trust those reasons. We need to grasp those things and people that give us support. It is very easy to feel jealous when you see someone you love and so need sharing their life with others in their world but have shut you out. In a way, you feel inadequate, guilty, and sad. It is really hard when we have to leave people we love for a while when we love them so much see all the greatness in them, but for some reason, something about them brings about something toxic in our world. I would never want to be toxic to anyone I love, and if they feel I am, that isn’t for me to judge.

Ego is really something it can make people unbending forever if we let it, especially when people are so ever-changing and evolving. We may want to be open with another, but no matter what they don’t get it; because it isn’t about them needing to get it. Then there are those who just seem destined to always misunderstanding us.

Sometimes, the best thing is really stepping back and allowing people you love to figure things out for themselves. During tough times the hardest thing to do is what is the greatest thing that needs to be done, and that is simply holding your tongue, and not acting like you know all the answers.

Time! Time is sometimes what needs to pass, but then there is that catch 22 of missing those moments you can never get back.


I am everybody’s Middle Child

I ALWAYS feel like I am making a huge mistake, since birth I have had that cloud hanging over my lovely head! I have always carried a huge burden for always allowing too many emotions, it really gets me to feeling lost in my sense of who I really am. I have spent my life pretending to have everything handled, trying to manifest it actually happening but the truth is, I am so far from feeling that content secure feeling. Who really does? The one thing is from the very beginning of Michele Renee, my life has always consisted of beginning again and again, over and over, but who really deserves to start over for what seems like, ever.

I have learned a weird sense of content with starting over, but then upset at how far back I still am. I was brought into this world and molded by those I loved to be who they thought I should be. Don’t get me wrong they came to me with a lot of confidence in how I could be a better me out of “love.” LOL! Time taught me kind of young that I really can’t be all the things that people I love want me to be; I can only be me.

It is a huge issue that time doesn’t allow me to concentrate on being so much more, maybe one day when I am not so bruised it shall but not just yet I am still under major construction and all I really need from another is support more than anything.

I have disappointment that lies within, tons of frustration; the past has me looking at what I have to show for my own productions at my age in my life so far. I have spent my time being front and center for those I love numerous times in their life; but I don’t feel a reciprocation. I look at the past and I know I have done a lot of good, I can say that with a clear conscious. I also know I am not a perfect person, and I don’t have perfect relationships and there is really so much work to be done in all relationships.

Who knows maybe deep down no matter how much effort I will put in, others will never see it as “enough”. The hard part is when I love someone I think they are worth all of my effort, but at what price, never feeling an emotional return? The toxic part is keeping the brew brewing, sometimes we have to say, enough feeling unworthy. The time to walk away from all those things that make me feel like I am not enough has to be now. The time to walk away from people who are committed to misunderstanding me should be the moment the doors are closed and they show they are not willing to work, or just make you realize you aren’t worth their energy. Sometimes we focus so much on the “what if’s” that we lose sight of the now and choose to stay upset.

I think one of the hardest parts about realizing at times you may be in a situation where you lost. There are those of us, like myself~ who want to keep fighting to the end; and there are those soldiers who walk away long before because they feel the battle is no longer worth it. I know I have been in certain situations where I will keep fighting the bloody battle long after I really should have left; and for what to come out more wounded than before. Living with hope is hard because you always feel through the fight that moment will come when you get a breakthrough; it just hasn’t seemed to happen for me yet. Enough battles taught me though that moment when you feel alone, battered, and hopeless is the time when I look around and see who is by my side to support me no matter what. My whole life has been a battle, whether I win or lose, it all feels like a loss… and that is the sure sign that I have to keep moving.

At one point I know I always examine and think about what happened and why it happened, but sometimes it is just about simply stopping the inner pain.

One thing is for sure that what can’t be taken from me is my charisma, my true passion for all that I love. I am extremely creative with a very open mind that has tons of ideas on how to get it done. I appreciate life and all those who stand by my side especially during difficult times. All my past has been explored, and I tend to analyze everything to shreds, a tiring task but worth the insight. I know when I am creative I am more myself; and when I shut down I stop my creative projects; this blog is my attempt to share with others, that is me being true to my spirit. I will always speak up; anyone who tries to shut me up isn’t my friend or on my side. I have to really know deep in my heart that what I have to offer another is enough being me.

I know what I need to do~ Get up, Get moving, and seize my life! It is ok not to always feel safe sometimes the jump is the exhilarating feeling to remember who I am. Everything in my past has shown me how confident I can be in my own abilities, I have always been a strong leader and the more I play that role I know others feel secure knowing they can feel confident in me. I have always had a better grasp than most just due to all my past experiences both good and bad. I need to remember that truth about me, and not allow others to make me feel like I am some lost soul needing a direction; I can trust my path.

The truth is I need to be more stern with myself, I need to work harder on those things that mean so much to me. I will enjoy all my hard work soon, what I put my efforts in will be fruitful, and I will be able to celebrate this sooner than later. I need to get to work on all those things that matter in my heart, I need to apply myself because I can do anything I put my mind to; I need to feel proud once again; I deserve it.


Day 6 rewiring my brain with Gratitude~

Today I am grateful for the fact I’ve got the Power!

I am learning a huge lesson~  If I want it, I must build it myself!

I have enough confidence and leadership to do anything I put my mind to and I am sure about that; I also have a strong intuitive instinct that reminds me who my crew is and who is not.  There are times in life that we need to do things alone, and then there are times that we don’t have to do things alone.  It is amazing how powerful a strong network of people can be when they are on your side, helping you to achieve or make those gains you need.  I am also grateful that I have learned to let go of things that hold me back from my chosen path or minimize interactions with heavyweights that really don’t care what they add to my life, but only what they can take from me.

I am grateful for the first time in a long time, I feel really stable in my home life, not worrying about when and where I am going to go next.  I pray to God my next move is my last move, my life long dream is to begin to plant a seed and start roots at some time in my life; where I know I belong and will stay and won’t have to leave, and it won’t be taken from me.

I am grateful for all the people who stand by my side and give me their friendship, their laughter, and allow me to share mine; life is really great when you have good unconditional love by your side.  I am grateful for those who I care so much about, who are responsible for their life, they remind me to live responsibly as well, and put what is important first, self-care!  I see you, my family and family of choice~  the drive you hold onto that makes you want to better your days, by taking steps for a brighter tomorrow, I am blessed you are an example to me.

It is incredible to realize how important we each are, knowing that every choice we make is not just for the moment, but the future relies on it, and our future generation; how grateful I am to really understand my own importance.

I am grateful that life is not a “free for all,” I am grateful that there are morals and laws we must follow to build strong foundations; and I think it is so important to realize when someone doesn’t respect those laws, they will never be part of that strong foundation.


Broken phones, hearts, trust, ~

Sometimes we stop everything to just be there for everyone else, but we all have that moment when we know it is time to get back out there, get into that mix and do our own self! Taking care of things for everyone else can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness when you ignore your own needs and stop doing the things that make you personally feel magnificent.

The past several years has really been about losing everything I ever hold onto, and it makes me really sad when I think about how little by little I lost all parts of me, and all parts of the only things I had left close to the end.  There are so many items in life that we hold onto and cherish, what happens when you finally realize you lost everything dear to you, materialistically speaking.  It is really a hard pill to swallow and while it does get to that point where you finally realize it is all gone, and you are not going to get it back; that is when you know, to overcome this the only thing left to do is begin to rebuild.  It is amazing how the things you re-acquire become so monumental and along with them comes along the fear of eventually losing what you hold again.  Sadly, there are times that you do lose things again; and it stings great but it is a strong reminder how nothing in this life is really permanent.  It isn’t a good feeling when your whole life you have been searching for the constant.

I think what is really important is taking the time to just be sad, taking the time to realize that the more you look for the constant, the more you will realize it just isn’t here in this moment.


I got you too babe

It has been a super long time that I have been doing things alone; when I say alone I am talking about not worrying about myself and my kids; and others.  A few years ago my family told me I needed to find someone who would take care of me just the same as I take care of those I love.  A person who will lessen my load, and maybe take some weight of the heaviness off my shoulder.  I would climb mountains for those I love, but I never really expected anyone to pull me up when I was tired, or just boost me to an even greater place.  A few years ago I entered into a new relationship, very different than I had experienced and it is amazing what you can accomplish when you leave the destructible behind.

It hasn’t been all cotton candy and candied appled paths, we have definitely had our struggles picking up all the broken pieces we brought with us; and trying to tie all loose ends that were never tied but always frazzled waving in the wind.  How amazing it is, however, to think you see finish a line; and when you get there you aren’t quickly taken miles back; how wonderful it is when you see a finish line; you notice that isn’t quite in view, but damn the path taken was well worth the journey.

It feels so great to drop things because he says, “he has it,”  and you actually know he does and you aren’t full of fear it won’t be ignored.  It really makes you feel things and make you realize how alone you were for way too long doing it all on your own.  He takes so much of it on, and it allows me to do all the things I have needed to do for me, for way too long.  Grateful for my partner, Rico for giving me time to do what I want just because I deserve it, and always back up my ideas with no criticism.  Finding everything I have in you, your spirit that dances with mine frequently is more than comforting; it has made me realize I can breathe, I can finally breathe.  I know we both work hard in our own weight, but nothing is as wonderful is being able to collapse into each other and know it’s all for us.  You are my vacation!


You’re the judge, OH NO set me free!

Sometimes it is really hard to make a decision for yourself when you realize that so many people you love will not be ecstatic about your decision like you would hope them to be.  I think it is such an uneasy feeling when people tend to judge your life choices or try to manipulate others to believe what they want them to be.  I will pray for more acceptance from others, I will still do what I know is right for me in the end, but I really hope that they will understand I would never intentionally let certain people that I value down.  I appreciate those who bring life to my life by encouraging me during my life and I will promise to be encouraging to those I love.  Life is hard enough as it is we really don’t need to be so critical to one another.  I think the difficult thing is that people want to be heard but don’t really want to listen to what others have to say.


Day 5 Rewiring my brain with Gratitude

One thing is for sure; in the deepest part of my soul; I am trustworthy and I think that is something I am extremely grateful for; when you are able to trust yourself and know that others can really trust you; it makes it so much easier to trust others.  I am not saying everyone in my world deserves my trust, and I have learned this the hard way, but I trust myself enough to know I can trust myself with very little uncertainty.

I love my family and my friends and I am grateful for their leadership to me, as well as my leadership to them.  I would never choose to lead my loved ones down a path that would make them unhappy; although I don’t claim to know all the answers; I still hope they will reach out to me when in need.  I have a very generous heart and I know my people in my world do too; I am grateful to have so many wise friends; quality over quantity each and every time.  I am grateful I have such a strong passion for life, I enjoy living, I enjoy working hard, and I really enjoy playing just as hard.  I am grateful for so many people in my life who love me for the person I am.  I am very hands-on, I don’t like to sit around and watch other people do things, I am not a television watcher, a book reader; don’t get me wrong there is some entertainment in that, but I am really grateful for people who live life with me.

I am thankful today for the people who take out time to just be with me, my family, my chosen family of choice, my squad… My partner in life; who wakes to work hard in this life with me, to play with me in-between; I feel so very grateful for all the great things life has to offer.  I am grateful for the energy that radiates from my spirit, I am grateful for always being so full of life and for those who put up with me.  Life is too fun to not be singing and dancing; and praising the Lord~

Grateful for my Rico who always cooks food with so much love for us; your food makes me wanna dance.  Thank you for loving me, while I cook for us as well.  I absolutely am grateful for you, always feeding my soul.  Grateful we coach each other, we teach each other, and we do everything together, since the beginning we even change our oil in the car together 😉 and it’s always fun; life is amazing everyday each day is never mundane.  I can’t wait to landscape and garden the rest of my future with you; not because I am holding on for better days but because each day is the best.


Learning from Mistakes

One personal problem I have noticed I have is that I have stayed years of my life staying in a place where I should have left long, and what really is dishearting is when you realize how much time you spent making goals and a future with someone who would never even be a part of it.  Time is one of the most precious things we have in this life, we can never get our time back and we don’t understand how fast it goes by until we look back and it is too late.  My issue is planning ahead with all the wrong individuals, wanting and expecting things for a future that would be very different than I wanted before is a huge issue; it is almost like having to start all over again at a time in life where you always thought you would have everything figured out.


Invisible strings, fishing poles, and myself

It seems like the world is arguing so much right now about anything and everything.  I have kept my social media Facebook platform so far, but with a bad taste in my mouth I hold on~  I don’t understand why everyone feels the necessity to blame another or think that anyone else is responsible for your personal heartache.

It isn’t easy feeling good all the time, and for plenty of us, it is a struggle much of the time.  I believe that we are worth it, though I believe we all deserve to get to that point where we are just so sick of feeling like crap.  I know this personally, I have spent a lifetime trying to learn to feel good. Sometimes it is the daily reminders of waking up and feeling grateful, even when you wake up frustrated, sad, hurt, or lonely we have to look for those blessings to count because it makes a difference when we do.  How can you allow others to love you when you are too busy fearing how they are going to hurt you just because someone else did.

The only things we get in life, are those things that we are committed to working for; and I think working to make yourself feel better should be a priority.  How can we really care for anyone else if we don’t love our self?  Self-development is one of the most important things in my life; because everything I put out from a strong foundation will be that much greater.

Sometimes we have to shut out the world, and just get to know our own self; stop the reading, stop the believing, stop the scrolling, and just get to know you.  I really love to fish, because all I see in the sky, the water, my pole, I may not get a bite, it may not be about the fish at all… it’s about me understanding who I am, and being quiet for just a moment.

It is even sweeter when you find someone who does the same right next to you; how strangely you are so disconnected from everything; but remain connected by an invisible string.



I am grateful for Michele Renee <3

Today I am grateful that I hold a deep and profound knowledge about what is right for me!  In the past I have not really listened or even asked myself; I usually spontaneously do what I want for that moment.  I hope today if I can share anything useful it would be the importance~ to get to that point where you will choose to do what is right for you and not for anyone else.  People will hold a legion of different judgments of why they feel you need to do things a certain way, “their” way.  A person’s way, maybe accurate for their course, but not necessarily for another’s.  I am an extremely independent person and feel very strongly about the things I have come to be known as my truths.

I am grateful that I am open-minded, and feel very powerful and determined to share my knowledge with others; it doesn’t mean I will always agree with them, or that they have to agree with me.  I will always be kind enough to respect another can believe things quite differently from me.

I am grateful that I have learned to appreciate that I have let go of a strong need for other’s approval.  There are many in my past, who I felt I needed their validation; I feel so at peace knowing I don’t need to be validated by others; I am worthy I am valuable just because I am me.  I have always been quite an open book; but I realize these days the older I get, the more I am at peace with holding on to my privacy which I never valued before.  I felt if I went through a tide; I had to share with others it was my responsibility to help the world; we can’t help the world; we can be an example; but all in all people have to help their own self, in their own way.

I am grateful I am so full of ideas, sometimes I have to slow my roll… and just fantasize, and other times I need to kick things in gear and realize I am so much more than just a dreamer.

I am so blessed I hold onto my faith so strongly; I know my relationship with the highest power, the Almighty is my place of clarity and rest.  Grateful for my strong instinctive gut feels I listen to when I know inside the Holy Spirit is whispering to me the truth always.  Every year of my life, I can truly say I am at more Peace then ever; and yes; I truly feel even during all these hard times, life does get greater if you allow it and live it.


Don’t stay stuck in stagnant waters

We are born a small infant who sometimes from the beginning seems to have to learn to wait all day for that physical and emotional contact only to be ignored and treated like your nonexistent. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

We want something different as soon as humanely possible…

I think about the things I do all the time, and all the things I have done in the past, and I try to make sure I am aware and keep constant the shit that works and change the shit that just never did.

We don’t have a lot of time in this life to interact with another, life is just seriously too busy.

We do have to make sure during the limited interactions those we love and interact with know and feel it; the moment is not always about “us.”

Do you feel special?

Oh yeah, I am, I am specially made to be whoever I have to be to make you feel good, to make you feel better after your day, I am here to make you feel strong enough to get through the next day.

When is it about me?

Sometimes we put up with a lot of shit when we have blinders on, but it gets to that point where we refuse to keep the blinder on… we see everything with the mind’s eye… and that is towards the end of a chapter where the important issues are always visible.

Our soul and our intellect finally meet and it’s amazing, we decide what we want to deal with ‘a lot less of , and what we have repeatedly been dealt with. The air is cleared in our head, we are ready to explore what it truly is we deserve, all those things we truly we need. Things are no longer a one-way street where we believe if we meet the needs of another, ours will be reciprocated.

Fk the fantasy we have always imagined, we can use our imagination to make our reality a dream, but the gray may come from another source outside of what you bring, the blockage is not within it is at the surface. Don’t use your physical sense or eyes to see the truth, how does it feel inside… that is the truth.

Blindfolds are great at times because you don’t focus on those things that we or someone else wants us to see.

When we are knocked down, it seems we stop running ahead as if we are injured. And sometimes, when we are injured, our behavior is off because of our injury, we are in another place and we can’t immediately move forward.

Sometimes in order to understand how we are going to move forward, we can truly only see that by staying back and taking notice.

When we feel like we are not consciously living, when we feel like we are just in a mode of survival, is that really living at all?

We basically learn to live by moving, keep moving; we don’t want to settle down, even though that is our goal, we refuse, we need to move in all directions it feels safer, in every and any direction it just feels better. Just because it is the way we have always done it, it doesn’t mean it is the way! We could have been doing it wrong all our lives; especially if we feel the doubts are always there.

I have never felt very feminine, I have always felt more masculine, I have felt like the master who needs to fight strong against all the forces life offers me; extremely curious but blessed with strong intellect to give me answers others will always seem to be seeking.

Then at times, I feel weak, left behind always looking for the new; but always facing the same that always ends the same. I want to feel well on my way, but sometimes It always seems too high. I long for the day we go there; let’s not linger, I don’t want to not continuously want to reach that point. Help me feel my confidence and remind me we are definitely on the way.

I want a love so radical, all they want to do is love me and allow me to focus on my powers where I will reach full success. The one on my side who will not hide behind lies, but be proud of the truth…. for we together can see our potential. I will accept more love, I will laugh more, and feel joy and not fear… but are you ready for that too?


Happy Truckers Appreciation Week!

This week is National Truckers appreciation week!  I’d like to give some appreciation to my favorite trucker, Rico.

After receiving his degree at Texas State University / Southwest Texas Rico would decide to follow his own instincts and spend 6 years driving a truck delivering essential beverages for Miller Lite, then he would depart to spend the next several years at Ben E. Keith, where he will soon be celebrating his 18th year with the company.

I really wish I would have been part of his journey years ago, but for the last few years, I have been blessed to not only witness how hard of a worker he is, but also to learn an appreciation for truck drivers in general.  During the pandemic, he has unified with other truckers to assure that essentials were delivered, while dealing with new everchanging protocol and abundance of fears.

I really admire how you never complain about the thousands of pounds of groceries you deliver every day, you take your sacrifices and use them to make you happy knowing you are able to provide for those you love.

Some mornings are difficult, especially with all the years you have physically put in, but you are sincerely are the strongest man I have ever known.  Thank you for not making excuses, thank you for continuing on when the road seems so long still.  Thank you for keeping the focus on all the goals we discuss, and always reminding me how you want to make all my dreams come true.  In just the last few years, we have taken it one day at a time, and I truly trust you are capable of giving us what we hold so dear to our hearts.  While I focus so much on the inner happenings, you keep a strong focus on the outer works, which is a perfect collaboration.

I know you have been doing this job for years, but with me by your side; I can only hope I have brought a rejuvenated newness to all that you do.  We are older now and wiser than we were in high school at Lee, but you bring so much color to my life, I feel new and unsoiled.  Thank you for always reminding me of all the beauty even when the world gives us so much garbage.



Today’s thoughts about yesterday!

My favorite part of each day is the first breath of renewal I get from the day before. The truth that I don’t have to hold on to anything toxic that yesterday caused me to feel.

The way we can learn from yesterday’s wisdom and can have a new opportunity to make it work today. We decide what we will use for positive growth or simply ignore.

Each day, we may begin with a light, a beautiful little light we hold, but then throughout the day; life, people, world happens and that little light doesn’t shine so bright, and sometimes it just goes completely out. We have people we love, things we love that bring back the warmth; keep more of that around. We bring in our own worth, by allowing all the people who love us interactions that make us feel so worthy. We create love in others when life is so full of ice hearts, angry and bitter spirits. We know what we hold dear to our heart, and so does everyone else, we need to hold onto those with so much conviction because it seems lately the world was made to split us apart.

If we want to know where it really all is at, where it begins and where it all will end, where all the answers are, we only need to close our physical eyes and our spiritual eyes will open and things will be clearer. We aren’t just born once, we are born again and again; there are a zillion things we do or have done that could kill us; and sometimes we die again and again. I can’t wait for that one moment when I am birthed again, with so much better knowledge, so strong in mind, and mentally I am not a misfit; but an enlightened being who won’t be on a defense. Born with determination to get me through again and again; OH wait I still do that! My spontaneous heart will be a little more disciplined and create better habits for me and ultimately you.

I would learn to love God more a lot earlier; I would respect him and acknowledge his presence in the daily and not just the pains. I would continue to see all sides of situations and continue to be nonjudgmental because every has a right to feel. I think everyone needs to find that joy again, that childhood joy from simply existence. WE are so busy blaming, hating, and discouraging.

I know my life hasn’t been easy but what life has handed me in the past is over and done with; I can’t blame the world. I only have today, I can use what I learned and make it better in my own creative way, but fighting and finding fault and blame will solve nothing but keep me down or bring me down further. Life isn’t fair, and still today in so many ways I get the short end of the stick but I can’t sit back and whine; I can drink wine but whining is not anything I’d like to bring to life in me, I am not a punk a$$.


When it comes down to it, it’s all about PEACE!

It gets to a point when all the emotions about particular things have settled, that you can clearly see the reality of how things will be with a true conscious.  We can’t change people or make people want to try all we can do is accept things as they are.    When we stop trying to make things happen, we realize we feel less rigid and at the same time, we feel less paralyzed.

Life seems to be easier when we numb our selves and ignore what we don’t want to face, but the Lord seems to place more of that in our face because we were not made to stay in the same ways.  Life is not always calm and relaxed like we would want, life takes on a rhythm of its own.

Sometimes we do need to take a break, stand back from the whole situation to see what the situation really entails, and not just what our emotions are telling us the situation is about.  It is so easy to compare the current to the past due to our mentality.  I know, there are certain people in the past who have meant the world to me, but I had to let them go because they didn’t allow me to grow.  They didn’t want me to think any differently than what they wanted me to believe how things were supposed to be.  People who didn’t allow me to have beliefs of my own, or never appreciated the individuality of me or others.

The truth is, we are not going to like everybody in this world, there are certain people who were married into my family that it took me years to tolerate.  Why do we put up these barriers between our tribe?  Some of us come from different states, different backgrounds, and we decide we aren’t going to give them the time of day, or just press into our self how completely annoying they are to us.  Sometimes marriage brings a whole tribe of them and that can be overwhelming, and all of a sudden they are your sisters, brothers, or cousins.

What makes others feel they are so entitled to sit there and act like they are sacrificing so much because they are basically just sitting there and tolerating another human being who is brought into the pack by another member.  How about finding a deeper level of contemplation.  It isn’t easy, believe me, there are still some people I have to psyche myself up when I know they will be there, but I will try, I will always try for those I love.

NO, I wasn’t always so accepting, and some days; It still is a struggle, but it took a lot of years with God showing me I had to be.  I had to try and focus on the good of a person if I was really going to make a difference at all; and you know what my tribe deserves peace.  The world is full of so much bullying and hate, why do we keep it around our family and friends when we don’t have to?  Everyone is put in our lives to teach us something, we need to trust God’s plan and NOT act like we know more than he does.

When we realize what it is about others that bother us, we will truly see how much it reminds us of someone we truly love like a parent or even our own self.  Sometimes, we learn it is better to just leave people alone and that is one thing I have a hard time doing because I personally have issues with being left out by my own family.  It isn’t easy to let go or deal with others who stir our feelings of jealousy, envy, and overbearing people who are one of my nemesis.

Some people really don’t want that interaction, and that is where I am learning and will give them their space.  I know sometimes, I want my own space too; so that I can understand.

We have pieces of situations, bits of our own past always come to play, and bits of unrecognizable new information that we need to try and understand to form a new puzzle; solving a puzzle is never easy but it is truly worth it for all involved when things at least start to make sense.


What is acceptable and what is not, just a ramble~

Growth is a beautiful thing, the difficult part about growth though is that sometimes we have to experience punches we really don’t want to.  There are experiences that make us feel so alive, but then there are those that completely take our breath away.  Life is all about constant change while all the while remaining true to who you really are at all times.

Where will we be, at a cozy small hidden spot deep in the forest, or will we be in a huge castle everyone wants to tour.  I love to radiate like the sun, but it is so cozy to feel so safe in your very own special space.

If we want a huge attraction, we gotta keep doing those huge kind of things, if we want a big forest fire, we have to feed it with all we have that feeds the fire.  It is all about instincts, we know what we create, and what shall come from what we feed.  We know when we want adventure and when we are just wanting to retreat.  Things in our life drive us, make our heartthrob, and our blood pulsate, but sometimes it all becomes too much.

Only each of us truly know when we have had enough, or when we want to have so much more. The other part of it is, we really need to take notice of all the time we spend doing the same thing over and over again.  Sometimes in order to get to the next level we have to let go of some stuff we hold a tight grip to,  those painful parts that we deep down inside know is truly holding us back.

In a way, we must admit when we choose NO REACTION, we are preventing something from happening that truly needs to happen or is a part of the destiny.  When you realize this, and begin reaction, guess what is going to come, ACTION.

We are so, molded by God our father, our own family, and the earth… what has given us, where are we now, where have we been, and where it is we will go.  

I have been so attracted to my crystals lately, when I look into them I remember how light reflects into our own individual perceptions, and has a complete power effect on our own radiation throughout our soul. I feel there is not a lot that quite radiates as beautiful as a crystal in view or a crystal pyramid being held in your hands; well besides wearing the jewel on yourself all day long being able to feel its energy while the long gaze sets it in.

We need to root ourselves, right where we want to be planted, our problem is finding out the truth about all that.

Who do you want in your garden, and which weeds are totally killin it~

The difficult thing is realizing this whole life is really just a trial by destruction and throughout obstacles; who do we want by our side to help us fight through the rumble and who do we need to really leave behind in order for us to level up.  We need those things in our life, or those who light our fire, make us want to fly and make us want to fight through.  We need someone as strong as us, or stronger so we can gain strength; and yes sometimes that is found being alone.  We need to find out if that is the path we need to take.  I know I don’t enjoy being alone, one of my friends joked with me that I’ve been single for 15 minutes, and you know what that is true.  I know what I like and I like someone to play with all the time, I need someone I can cry with, and who makes me crazy because I realize it is not all about me.  Then on the days I feel it is nothing about me at all, there is that someone who wakes me up and reminds me I’m everything.

Just another babble …. I hope you enjoy and thanks for thinking with me !




Need’s, they are all so different ~ on the daily

Give and Take, Take it or Leave it~

We all have needs, and we all deserve the same to have our needs met. We also forget all the talents we possess to acquire everything we need. So many of us are waiting for those moments when our needs are met, and for that person to come and meet those needs. God has given us all talents; some people use those talents on occasion, but God didn’t give us those talents or that gift to use on occasion. God gave us our gifts to use frequently for our own benefit, and for the benefit of others who need what we have to offer.

It is so hard lately to think about others when so many of us are scrambling around trying to make it on our own. When our own needs are being met, it is really hard at times to think about anyone else’s needs.

The funny thing is when someone does me wrong, I have a tendency to boot them out of my existence. Who has time for all that, I have to protect myself is the mentality I begin to develop? The funny thing is the more we give what we want, the more it is manifested into our own lives and the more our needs are awakened and fulfilled. It really is a win/win for all involved. This is how we transform our needs into action, and the plain truth of it will always be, we will only receive, what we give away to another.

At this very moment, what is it that you truly wish for, what is it that is going to leave you satisfied and fulfilled. My personal issue is when I am hurt or working on forgiveness I hold back my love and understanding and prevent what I need out of fear. It is almost second nature that when I don’t trust someone, every situation is full of severe hostility. There are a lot of people who hold grudges for days, years, a lifetime, how is that working for you. I am not saying it is easy to understand and forgive; or that you should keep toxic people around and become a doormat.

I am talking about using this very moment to make a conscious choice to make a decision for change that will only add value to your life. It is not our job to change people, if people change due to us opening their hearts that is their choice; all the negativity will eventually work itself out when you are working through love.

What is super important is that we surround ourselves around those who remind us what our strengths are when we forget. Our tribe supports are weakness’s but never points them out to judge. We need those who wake up the strength in us, we need people who make us feel stronger, not weaker. We need guides people who are intelligent to share their own experiences with us, those who aren’t afraid to share their stories with you, because you matter. We need people to remind us our past is nothing to be ashamed of, it made us into who we are today. Our dilemmas gives another an opportunity to empathize.

God, the earth will always give us enough; and the more we give the more we will be replenished. The day’s energy should be, facing my own weaknesses, never looking at the weakness in others. Take those fears and weigh them appropriately. Which are sensible fears, which ones do we think are really important to keep based on the reality of them taking true fruition?

Find joy in all the things you do, and you will never feel another wasted day.



Something great is about to happen, and I am ready to take it on! I can feel the great energy around me, inside me, and all throughout me! The best part is, I know at this very moment what I have to keep, and what I don’t, we all do… the real issue is with dealing with it and facing it. It feels great to know that I have so many options, I am not stuck, we are never stuck but we need to know that, and take control.

It is so great when you get to the point that is past infatuation when you see the truth of everything, and yet even after all the excitement, the newness, there are people or a person that is there who still is worthy of continuing on with. It is great when you feel like Alice in Wonderland, but it is even greater when you fall down that hole, enter the world of madness, and still have some of those you love that are fighting strong with you and/or for you.

No matter how beautiful things may seem, it isn’t always.

You have to get strong, understand, forgive, and decide to keep on understanding even when you think that you can’t. You continue on because you know it is really something oh so worth continuing on for. The real one’s always walk through the shadows with you, and if they don’t, you know that isn’t your tribe.

The reality of things is, everything has a double meaning and I am finally just starting to understand that. The one that makes us feel oh so powerful and great like Oz, also gives us the feeling of the greatest isolation and loneliness.

A very important issue is we have to continue to understand what is hidden and what is in disguise because we unknowingly make our own reality; and with past luggage, we don’t need that reality becoming any part of what was. The thing is what was, or what we wanted is not what shall be or what should be, we always need to reevaluate. What we wanted in the past, is not sometimes what our future needs, and we know all the times we realized, “Thank God for unanswered prayers!” when we realize they were so wrong for who we are. How about all the time we spent trying to make a dumb wish become a reality when all it ever was, was just that; a stupid wish. How about all the new wishes and dreams that we know have, that were never a thought in our world. How about all the new experiences in life, that changed your mind; really changed your mind to all those things you would no longer believe and all those things that you would now start to believe.

My personal problem is when we have been hurt in the past, it is very easy to inhale that same smoke that follows us in the cloud above.

We can’t ever stop ourselves from dreaming and moving but I do know that the ultimate goal is finding all those things that presently serve you and those you love. What is important is finding all those things, that bring you happiness today. The truth is, getting to that moment where we are happy and want nothing more. It doesn’t matter what else you get, what else you find, if you aren’t happy with what you have known, or know you may never be… SETTLE THAT!


Happy Birthday Tim!

Growing up with a bunch of difficulties is tough, but I will tell you what… having a friend by your side who makes you forget all the shit cards continuously being handed to you is a blessing one cannot notice.  My friend, Tim has always been a blessing to me, even throughout the uncertainties, we never were able to be certain about much but what we were certain about was our friendship that gave each other a much-needed peace.

Today is my friends birthday and I want Tim to know how special he is to me.  How blessed I feel about how we have both stayed dedicated to staying in each other’s life; especially during hard times, struggles, and so many changes and adjustments.  What I do know is that our friendship has been one of the greatest successes of my life, even during our moments of busy lives.   It is amazing to know someone with your whole heart, and back from a time and place when we really didn’t know who we wanted to be, but we knew who we were and that is what mattered.

It is funny when I think about all the places we have been both dependently and independently; and no matter how different or out of scheme things seemed we were still there to always support each other, and even after.

I don’t quite understand how these type of larger than life friendships develop over so much time, but I wouldn’t change it if I could, and I really wish I could bottle this shit up… and we’d both be set for life, but hey maybe we already are.

I think most people could vouch for the truth, of, your effort you give for those you hold dear in your spirited soul.  Thank you for expending so much of that loving energy in me.  I am very grateful over the last few crazy years I have been able to spend more and more time with you, this year alone has been groundbreaking; thank Covid~ who knows, thank life~ showing us the real truth about so much, who knows; all I know is I feel thankful.  I look forward to making new memories with you and your wonderful tribe, who know are mine.   I love you dude!!!!   I wish we could wrestle like we use to, lol but we are so fuckin old and it will take MONTHS to recover 😉 Happy birthday!!!

~ Mitch, Madonna, Michele


Finding answers in the danger zone

Do you think that for a minute, we actually make our lives harder than they are supposed to be; because that is how we were brought into this world. Do you ever think that just maybe, we really don’t have to actually carry all the crap we do carry; but we choose to. When things get easier, we take on more, just to feel that feeling of heaviness.

Damn, we are strong, damn we can carry a lot and you know what, we do with all our heavy heart.

A higher power is telling me today, it is our choice to take on all those things that are larger than life and keep them alive. It is up to us, what we choose to carry and hold so tightly to. Sometimes, there really isn’t anyone to blame, but us; who keeps it right over our shoulders. The hard truth is with every extra weight we take on, it does make us stronger and tougher, but it also makes us hurt and that can weaken our spirit.

How much is too much; I had a close friend who was my friend for years, but messaged me one day and told me his wife left me because of my posts; I have absolutely no power over anyone, and what I share or hold on my own is mine and only mine. What is yours is yours; and theirs is only their own. I will continue to share what I feel, and I share because I know I am not alone. If you feel you are left for whatever reason that has nothing to do with me.

What are you working for, what is important to you, and how is that relevant to anyone else but you? I don’t feel sorry for myself, I choose, like you. I also realize, and gather all my keeps, hold onto them and learn to let go of my “keep-nots”.

What cross do we want to continue to carry, what cross is weighing us down the most, what cross is worth the challenge, and what cross completely is unnecesassary? Whatever it is we want or need to completely understand but just can’t is what we need to completely pay attention to.

Moving forward is necessary to gain more satisfaction, however it doesn’t have to be at the price of completely falling forward. We have so many priorities in this life, sometimes other things are more important than others; but we need to keep the right energy around us if we want to feel unified on the path. The energy used is the effort, and everyone should give more to what truly is important, and having the right squad around is a powerful network.


Many of us choose to do things alone, whether it is because we can’t trust others, or the plain fact we’ve done it alone all along. The truth is different people can bring in different insight, when we are so close to the picture, we really don’t see the complete picture at times. Sometimes, we see the complete picture or what we think it is in others lives, we love them and want them to see it too; but they don’t just yet and sometimes it seems like it takes them forever. Even though we love someone else, it is not our job to change their path or their mind; we can point them in a direction and share what we know to be; but the truth is everyone has to make their own decisions.

Letting go isn’t easy, especially when it really isn’t our choice or what we want to do; but sometimes it is something so necessary. Letting go of a difficulty in our life that keeps us from moving forward to where we have to go or just have the peace to be the person we need to be. Sometimes we aren’t use to moving forward alone, and that is tough when there really isn’t anyone around who is supposed to level up with you. Find faith in knowing what starts as a small crawl, nosing your way through will eventually turn into a strong stride.

Security is one of the greatest feelings and sometimes the venture into territory that gives us a feeling of complete defenslessness makes us feel even further away from our homebase. Where is our homebase though, do we even know, who gives us a security of home, do we keep those kind of people? There really is reason after reason that sometimes we are at home and feel completely homeless. When it somes down to it, I think everyone really just wants to go home. I know it is cliche but, Home really is where the heart is.

Perfection does not exist, not in our life, not in us, and not in our homes. It is ok to realize there is light and darkness in everything. We wake up each day and each of us holds a different motive, but what is important is even with all the temptations the world brings, we need to remember what our important motive of the day will be. Danger is everywhere and that is the truth.

Sadly, our world is full of bitter humans who hide in the shadows to ruin others, and that is where the devil lies. Just like good, evil has motives as well. We need to be stronger, much more clever than the fox, we must remember our drive and trust our instincts. If you need an answer, pray, God will send you the answer. The answer is written in the skies above, it moves in the waters around us, it is in the lighheartness we feel in others, it resonates in the spirit that will bring us joy.



It is time, don’t be afraid.

When someone comes around and you are full of fear, it is easy to believe everything they say as the truth, because in reality, you are just looking for the truth, a truth.

What is important to know is that people come in, leave our lives numerous times; but what is the actual truth is no one comes to bring us the truth; they can be there to help find it, they can come to help us grow and realize all the stuff we needed to a long time ago, and they can come and help us with the direction, the change that we want to take is up to everyone willing to stay and learn. The other part is every path we take is a port to transform into who we need to transform into, and who we are meant to transform into.

The whole path seems to be a neverending hunt to the next level, but you have to be aware, you have to be aware of what needs to stay and what needs to leave. Leave all the anger and all the hurt, just leave it! ONCE and for all!!!! When will we be awake, what will finally make us wake up, for the change?

Sometimes we are in place where it seems like it is there the absolute end, there is just no other place to go from where we have been brought to in this life, then all of a sudden all the noise finally gets quiet; and we don’t hear the noise anymore; and we realize it is definitely not the end, it is just the beginning.

There are sudden moments of bliss in our life, and everything seems to disappear, all our worries because something huge and great took our mind off of everything; but then the newness settles and you realize underneath all the greatness, the darkness still exists. It is so easy to get captivated for a while; and it seems all the sadness is gone. The sadness sometimes is gone for a long while; but then it comes out in moments you least expect it, and then you wonder is the awfulness ever really gone?

Everything has to be faced, whether we like it or not, and if we don’t face it, it will reinvent inself in a zillion ways, to finally be faced.

How wonderful is it to know we can take all our aggression and turn it into the greatest fight of our life, to turn everything life give us and renogotiate it into a positive.

How can we change anything into something else doing the same damn thing, that is impossible!

We can have a whole life of sadness and let downs beginning with our first breath, and realize that in this life… loss is inevitable. What do we do, hold on harder; or just learn to let go of everything because holding on is pretty painful especially when it is meant to go… Do we actually kill things before they are dead? Is it safer to hold onto nothing; because in reality mutual involvment is what it all comes down to; and we have no control over anyone other than our own self.

Hope is a beautiful thing, it comes in riding strong like a soldier ready to save, riding strong on it’s strong horse; with the illusion of crowning us because it is all we really wanted all along; that loving validation.

I think the greatest part of dying is being reborn again, feeling alive, and knowing you are still not just in the fight; but standing up stronger than ever because that last bout didn’t take you, even though you thought it did.

Time to get up, time for the sunrise; and the new sunset.

Video/song mood of the month


Dancing with Contradictions

Probably one of my best qualities is my high energy; and I have noticed when I am not feeling like myself I can actually feel a depletion of energy. I love to feel my spirit living large. I feel like everything is a celebration and sometimes It makes me sad when people make me feel like I am insane for feeling that. I just know more than anything I want to dance through life, laugh, and feel joy. Every new interaction is a new opportunity to blossom and grow from others; and sometimes that is scary to those who don’t quite keep that energy in effect.

Sometimes we keep ourselves around people who keep us feeling small or hushed and it doesn’t take long to feel yourself getting lost in the world.

In a way, some people are so caring and considerate to others they downplay who they are for the comfort of others and sometimes that is ok in certain situations; but people we love and who love us shouldn’t stop our vibe for too long.

It is like a breath of fresh air when you find a spirit who is similar, and your energy bounces off each other like no body’s business 😉 The simple fact is as long as we stay true to who we are, what our spirit entails, the more we will flower and shine. It is ok for the stakes to be high, raise them, raise them up, I am ready!

How will you ever enjoy all you are meant to be if you are not connected inside. I don’t care who thinks what of me, because if it isn’t the truth and it isn’t authentic, it is lying. We can never be happy in a lie.

I am not stuck in my ways, I will always compromise, but I will never compromise my authenticity.

I have a strong sense of identity and yes; I change my mind as well but I know where my safety net is, I know how to protect and take care of me and mine.

I am working hard right now, working on making my contradictions dance into a strange entanglement. I can’t forget who I am, I am not fearful, I am not angry! WE have to get rid of some of those ugly inner roots that are holding back the rest of the plant or it will never thrive.

Whatever it is you want, hold it and get it; don’t let it go you really can do anything you put your mind to.


Take a look at the contradictions, I bet you have nightmares :(

So many of us have been having nightmares or unable to sleep and we wonder why it is so hard to get a good night rest. We feel tired during the day, and know our bodies and brain need more sleep. As easy as it may seem to just simply, go to sleep; it isn’t.

Resting isn’t always easy when we hold onto so many thoughts we try to forget, get rid of, or maybe just try to understand; even when we are tired, sometimes our mind continues the race. Something about the dark forces us to begin to think when we’ve kept our brain focused and busy on worldly cue’s throughout our day. We begin to think about all the things we need to do something about, and then meticously design a new day of getting it done.

We may even begin to let our fears creep in, remembering when we felt a certain way before, we may begin to worry about things we shouldn’t even worry about.

When you have been through a lot it is very easy to get entagled with all your mental glimpes of all the places you have ever been in the past and don’t want to ever go again. You begin to think about all the ways this chosen path is becoming to look rather terrifying because this doesn’t look familiar at all, even if it’s a good thing.

We fear because it looks unfamiliar, which make us to fear it isn’t something that should/n’t be, our mind really does this… and we would rather go to familiar uncomfortables then unfamiliar comfortables. Repeating patterns here~~~~

Hold on to anything that makes you feel good. everything that brings glimpses of light around you, or a lightness and easy feeling; hold tight. Don’t let it go.

Let your pass inspire you, and use your knowledge and wisdom of the path to be your dagers you fight with. Don’t rush things! It is something I learned lately, take as long as you need; it will happen when it is supposed to happen and not a minute sooner.

Let every thought puff away from you in a cloud of black; and replace with what gives you light; and keep doing it and feel yourself, be aware of your body relax. Don’t EVER close your YES to the TRUTH! No matter who bad it may make you feel; don’t make it become a cycle; face it and get it today.

YOU will feel the weight of your world lifted and you will release! I think it is also extremely important to open up your mind and heart to new truth’s that will definitely feed the heart with love; authenticity is beautiful!!!! Feelings of blessings will emerge, and beauty will fill your soul; how can it not; nothing can quite beat the feeling of really being authentic to your inner self.

Remember the difference between isolated issues and patterns, allow your insight but still leave room for growth.

Fight your beast, be resilient, be strong… don’t cement the beast to live a life in your dreams at night.


Dabbing is essential 🤣

There really is so much that goes on it our own homes, in our own interpersonal relationships with those we are trying hard to understand, forgive, and rebuild with.

There are stages when we realize we have been through a couple or a few relationships already and still haven’t gotten a lot of shit straight.We love to blame others, but the truth is, it is our own self that is repeating the patterns.

There are times in our life where we are basically on a survival mode, and along the way, we have these beautiful children around us, and while we are trying so hard to get it right, the time comes when they our own children, reach the age when they know we still haven’t quite got it just yet.

It is hard letting down people we love, and it hurts when we truly see how we let our own self down over and over again. I think one of the most important things is keeping people around who don’t remind us of who we were or weren’t, those who remind us that we are worthy today and have always been, those who encourage us with their love.

I think what is most important is staying true to who we are at the moment; all your directions may have changed time and time again, but never forget the current target. Everything we do has a motive, I need to take note of what my actual motives are. How can we pursue what we want or think we want if we don’t make a clear plan on getting it. We all have the same possibilities, if it doesn’t seem possible maybe it is not what is supposed to be and sometimes the journey is simply coming to peace with that.

During transformations, we fail to recognize ourselves. Time comes with changes and sometimes we have to leave behind parts of our own self that we no longer have to identify with. We are born again, refreshed, or renewed by our own doing; and sometimes we become greater and finer as we age.

Refinery, it can feel great and even when it is found after time on a long difficult journey. We know our journey ultimately gave us wisdom; and then, like magic, we find the child in us again.

We notice how beautiful everything is once again, as we did when we were closer to our creation. We notice the everyday miracles, and see the miracles in others. We feel good because we feel closer to heaven even though we still are very much still here on earth. We begin to dream and wish again, and don’t get set into a “work through the grind/ going through the motions,” that the world makes us believe is the path in life. We notice the changes in those around us we love and engage with them no matter how it personally serves you because you want to make it work, you feel it is worth the work.

It isn’t easy being me, it isn’t easy blowing up all my emotions all the time, it isn’t easy having to analyze and make sense out of everything, but it gives me a feeling of peace I truly need. Home is the most important part of life because it is the escape and safe haven or at least it should be. I always tell my children, a home is just a box with walls with everything you love inside, it doesn’t matter where it is, home can be with the people you love in a field or it can be wherever you go. I know what is the most important part of me is my spirituality being able to share it with others is very important, and I am not talking about religion with human-made rules, I am talking about the inner spirit connecting with our higher source, my Lord and Savior.

There is no answer or direction better than the Lord’s!


Who holds the key?

Sometimes, our biggest dilemma is taking control of our life. It sounds pretty easy, until we make decisions and we realize how many others actually play a huge part in controlling our life. The thing is, we can act like we don’t care, but in actuality we do, because it is usually those people we care the most about who want to steer us into their own direction. People have ideas of what road we need to take to get to where they think we need to get to.

All I know is that I feel I have been fighting through a desert since I was born, but I know along the way I have meticulously transformed everything into something even greater. The great thing is we are not our past, we can have a transformation of renewal numerous times on this earth. The truth is we have to pay our dues here on earth and or we have a task to complete here before we are able to reach to eternity.

While we are here, how do we learn to turn everything into a greater meaning, how do we not waste our time and energy? How do we make sure we don’t waste away and allow others to stop our wilting. How do we start from a new place we have never been, with new grounds we don’t know and bloom? How do we make our desert into a Garden of Eden or something quite similar?

I want chivalry to still exist and be true. How do we find honor when no one seems to respect their own self or those they love. How do we get respect when we can’t even respect others because they have no honor. What happens when you are brought up with values but the rest of the world has none. Every media link reminds us that values do not exist, every selfish person who only fends for their own selfish needs. What if you hold value in your heart but it isn’t reciprocated. How do you make sense of allowing it into your own life when you know better, but really half of the time is it really about putting up with the least of the worst?

Where is all the integrity when people do what is right because they believe they have the integrity to the person they want to be. Decisions are made from the person because that is the kind of person they strive to be, and not to be because they don’t want to get caught or out of fear.

The only way to truly protect another is when you completely respect them.

Each day, begin with self-awareness, that means to live like the person you want to be, live like the person you want to be by your side. We really do manifest our own destiny. What I have learned so far is that my main purpose is to find my place in this world, and the only way that is going to happen is when I rule over my place that is right! It may not be right for anyone else, or even make sense to me but I have to trust my calling. God will bring to the conscious what it is we must know, and that we have to trust, fight hard for our journey and no matter how long it takes or where it goes.

Happiness is of the utmost importance to me; I am aware it exists I have seen glimpses of it time and time before, and recently more than ever. I never fear being an open book, and I really could care less what another decides about my life; as long as it brings me and others the truth or enlightenment. Life may not be peachy all the time, but I won’t pretend it is, and I respect people who don’t act like it is. If it is not ok, I don’t want anyone to act like it is, that is a lie. I don’t appreciate lies and I don’t respect fakeness, and that is one thing I hold strongly to, and I may not always agree with it; because believe me it isn’t easy especially when I don’t like the fact I feel disrespected by those I try hard not to disrespect, but hey I still have to respect the fact they are being truthful.

If you feel a relentless nightmare, you may have undigested thoughts that need to be worked out; and no matter how dark if you want them to end, face it. Getting rid of the darkness is the only way to get to see the light. Don’t wait to the moment when you one day, wake up and are shocked by all the darkness. Don’t suppress your thoughts and feelings even if it means someone else will be hurt, or it will be a neverending roller coaster of the same chasing of your tail.


Burst the chains, Stand up for YOU!

Flat bottom boat with Evinrude~

We are both extremely strong, and no matter how you try to cut it; the truth is you are strong because of me, and I am strong because of you. The beginning of my strength started with you, before that I can truly say I was just surviving. Conceived from a struggle and then after it was battle after battle. Then, you came along and gave me a strength to fight every obstacle head-on. I know your strength and now in so many ways you have gone away, but the truth remains, when the world was wild and didn’t make sense I never left your side, and you never left mine. I still carry you with me every day.

When did I become the bad guy in your mind? Every new chapter, we are stronger, and enhanced with additional understandings that bring a new breath of life into our world. When did you stop wanting to understand me, when did your soul say, ” I refuse to understand the metamorphosis of the exquisite being this soul is becoming.” What do you hold in your unconscious that gives you fears and tells you lies about the person I am vs. the person you make me out to be.

I am the same, and always will be, the only thing is I may have become polished with age and circumstances. Is the truth, you just understand things differently and refuse to see me anymore. The truth always lies under the surface, and you come from where my surface begins in too many ways. When you had no clue, who was it that was right by your side saying all I could and doing all I could to bring you out, make you fight for all you are, and understand who you are and are NOT.

When we are convoluted by lies it is always hard to recognize the truth. We always want to be the smart one, who sees, hears, and understands the truth; but it isn’t the truth if it divides. It isn’t the truth if it judges and causes alienation. All we can do is focus on what we have, and that is actually just the very moment we hold.

Recognize the fears that are lies, that weaken our connection, and divide our love and know that is the true enemy, not me/you. Forget all the made-up reasons our mind tells us that makes us believe things are not supposed to be this way, things are how we make them at this instance, they don’t become like this due to ones person’s fault; every relationship takes a joint effort that all involved have to work on each day with every new change life gives us.

One thing my grandparents and daddy taught me is, that no matter where we stand, it is better by each other and we always stand up for each other; no one will talk us down when we aren’t around. There is only one person we can disagree with and that is the person we are talking to, not about.

Tired of the finding fault in others, especially children who are innocent; concentrate on our own flaws that is our only job in this life we were not put here to fix another soul. The only power we have is to love one another and try to understand one another.

If only you knew how completely dependent I will always be on you, your feeling of care that gives me strength. Would it make a difference to you? I would never want a feeling of obligation, how sincere would that be, I only would want a true will.

It seems I have always been a joke, an eye roll, or a nuisance to those who matter the most. It seems like everyone gets understanding, respect, and sacrifice for time. People who are there due to life circumstances get what I crave; life really is unfair and it seems to some of us; it always will be. Some people inherit money, love, time one day and just like that; and others struggle, years for a way out, rebuild a better way with limited resources, and continue with their desire for a really long time.

It is sad when a person has the need to constantly feel the need to be forgiven for everything they are not or will ever be. God made us enough! For certain people, one is too much; and I know when I have been left out time and time again; it is nothing new; it started with the one who God gave me to.

How about starting with finding beauty in others, and stop searching for the differences you don’t understand. Can you imagine this world if everybody had the same vibe? All I can do is work on me, thus here are my feelings and pray for understanding.

While I search for meaning I refuse to hang onto envy and greed; I will open my eyes and see God’s truth, and I know where the answers are found.