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Mind control

๐Ÿ˜‚

Words mean my world to me, I give them life and death. I allow words to resonate in my brain automatically and I choose which words lose meaning and which shall die.

I know I am in control of my thoughts, sometimes peoples words have a major play in my thoughts and I allow that to manipulate my behavior especially subconsciously.

This morning I’ve been thinking about when my grandma darling passed away, and how I held her hand and spoke to her from my heart as she unconsciously was at bedside. I hoped and prayed she could hear me, but wondered the reality.

This morning I also experienced something different but maybe the same. I was having a nightmare~

My significant other and I were asleep in a dark room on a small couch, (I was having trouble sleeping all night and had kept waking up and just sitting up conflicted but super tired) I was having trouble sleeping in this dream as well and I kept waking up to look at a candle I had lit to give me an internal safe assurance. Sidenote~ ever since I was a teen I would have a candle lit daily, and when I would cry and feel sad and couldn’t sleep I would see the flame, and find peace. I would find peace in the fragrance of the candle which reminded me I could control my environment even when it felt chaotic. I would see the flicker of the flame and it would give me hope, of the Holy Spirit being the power that gave me light in my world.

So, in my dream I heard someone breaking through the front door, and when they entered my candle blew out the room was pitch dark and that was the scariest feeling ever, I could find no reassurance, I felt a screwdriver in my hand and felt a little power, I imagined how I would shred anything bad; I decided to try and quietly wake up my partner so we could do this together, but then I heard him talking to me from another place that seemed so far away. I couldn’t answer him back it was as if I had absolutely no control over my body anymore. I could hear him talking to me, teasing me and giving me doubt when all I needed was assurance.

Then I woke up and was back in the real world, realizing his talking was actually waking me up as he was leaving for work. When I woke I was left with such a terrible feeling of doubt.

I think it can be easy making a habit of allowing our past hurts and thoughts to give life to fears in our life. Fears that will divide and diminish that strength that comes from love and assurance.

Living with past hurts and bundles of people who weren’t supposed to hurt you but did, makes your mind protect you in anyway it can including taking over the control of your body. I truly understood this from my dream. I know in my daily life, the first thing I think about is, how I am going to tackle all my preset problems, each problem has a memory in the brain of a past issue with a person, or similar situation. We have defense mechanisms to defend ourselves currently from what we remember from the past.

What is interesting is that emotions are the end product of past experiences, so when someone says that I am emotional; yes it is because I have had a lot of rough past experiences; and maybe only another who has as well could truly understand this.

I have got to begin thinking greater, than how I feel! NOW!

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Ready for fine tuning my song

Last year on this very date, I was reading Psalms 40 with a heavy heart, I begged God to help me and give me a new song.

Today I open up Psalms once again, thankful my life is completely changed, with a great song I sing everyday. I found a new dance in my step and am thankful and blessed for his blessings.

In just a couple weeks it will be my anniversary of one year Rico has been a part of my life. Thank you Lord for giving me exactly who I needed to lift up my spirit and make me want to dance and sing again.

Our life has not ever been completely firm and level and it takes a strong team to keep it going, so that there is a continuous strong stance that is always united.

Thankful! I understand most of my needs and I don’t just sit around idle hoping for them to just happen or one day be magically fulfilled.

I know I have wasted too many years sad, hiding from life, needing to find all the right kinds of people who make me just want to live, and letting go of the toxic people.

There are no rules or timelines to follow when God sends his gift you just trust your โ™ฅ heart. Oh my God, your law is within my heart. Psalm 40-8

Allowing someone else to stand firmly by your side after getting hurt isn’t easy, but I will always trust my heart and your love my Lord.

Thank you for this wonderful song and today I praise you.

O Lord may your mercy and your truth always protect me.

Ready to fine tune this melody, today!

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To each, his/her own!

There is always someone watching, judging, and or making what they believe is someone else’s issues their own; when they have plenty of their own.

If you go to Church; that’s great. Who are you to worry about anyone else’s soul but your own? What proof do you have your soul has more salvation?

If you have a great relationship with your parents, that is a blessing. Does it make you less of a mother, father, daughter, or son? Some people are completely different parents with each of their kids and some never even had a chance.

If you are overweight should you be scrutinized every time you put something in your mouth? You shouldn’t be eating that, I’m concerned about your lifestyle. What a way to live with others always making you feel you’re a heart attack waiting to happen. I’ve heard it all, maybe not necessarily about me, but to me.

If you are underweight, people are concerned if you even eat, and make comments at family gatherings about how said person needs to eat more.

If you exercise, weights, cardio or run for health,

what makes you better than anyone else who emphasizes exercising their mind with meditation and prayer?

If you love someone the same sex, why does anyone else have a say or have to have an explanation, do you love any less or different? No! Love is love.

If you choose to not drink alcohol are you any better than one who does?

If you do partake, who are you to measure any one else’s cup.

If you are pro life or pro choice … Hmm should I even go there???

Frustrated, I know its my own doing for putting up my life on social media. Having a relationship with others on it, wanting to entertain, but I’m good, my family is great, we aren’t perfect but we have each other. We don’t hurt anyone else and don’t negatively play a role in anyone else’s life. We live day by day trying to make it as happy as possible. If you can’t accept the person I am, leave it’s not that complicated because I have had enough negativity most of my life, and I am the happiest I have ever been. It’s not about getting lost anymore, unless it’s been a bad week ๐Ÿ˜‰ it’s about finding myself and enjoying who I am and who we are.

When I was in my twenties I was a mother to my daughter and my sisters. I didn’t party at all!

Just my humor! Not a “hoe” at all & never will be I value myself too much.

I am still a mother today, but now I’m 45 and you know what I think I’ve earned the right to experience what I never had before, and if I die having fun, living the best life ever… Then I did it right!

The social media Michele Renee and the Michele Renee in the world are so different, some are pieces of me I let go of long ago but still understand, some are pieces I want to let go of and can’t, and some are simply for entertainment with a strong force backing me up out of pure love, and some are the pieces I’m working on letting go of.

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Happy 22 years Marisa!

Happy Birthday Marisa Ann !

Today you are 22 years old and I can’t believe it because it seems like just yesterday we were at Little Angels Daycare, where you cried on the lady’s lap the whole time and I peeked at every hole in the wooden fence, hoping you would stop crying… But you didn’t; and then when it was time for me to pick you up, you would break down as if I had no clue what you had been through… That was short lived, LOL I couldn’t leave you another day. You have definitely been my little perfect Guinea pig… but I was being taught; how to live with loving a a little being so much and realizing I had to always practice teaching you to not hold on so tight when that is all I wanted to do; and you too.

After your siblings were born, I knew better… they were sent as a limited time treasure; but the greatest thing is our love is forever with no limits.

Thank you for being an inspiration to me; to always be better, thank you for being an inspiration to your siblings to care, love, and show so much understanding; even when you, yourself have felt so misunderstood.

It was 2 years I began a spiraling down of holding on and searching; and grabbing onto all the things I shouldn’t but just trying to find some escape. So many tears, so many struggles, you were and are definitely my rock; but more than that you are my inspiration to be a better mother, friend, and woman.

Last year on this very day; I told myself I had to stop being destructive to myself, I told myself I had to nurish who Michele was; and nothing in this whole world made me feel I was worth it; but YOU. I knew I had to get sober of all the toxicity that was so difficult I had tried on the daily and never before was I able to make it past day 4. Then your birthday came; and I told myself NEVER again…. for you; even if I wasn’t enough; you were. Today is 1 year and I am so finally clean.

We have had so many changes going on this past few years and every year I have had you by my side making me proud of you and reminding me that no matter what terrible paths I had taken I was not a failure.

I am so grateful to have you as my sidekick. I know I haven’t always been a conventional mother but you have gotten use to it over the years and have accepted me throughout the years just the way I am; and for that I am forever grateful.

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Mother’s Day count down

This is a difficult post~

I am full of emotions, the main thing I always found pride in, is being a mother. Mother’s Day is next week and it’s sad that so many of us feel undeserving because of the guilt we try so hard to let go of past mistakes. Some of us may try to be today everything we weren’t yesterday because we are trying to get it right and maybe wiser with more ability to get it right. Everyday we are reminded about our mistakes sometimes it is our own battle, and sometimes people remind us constantly.

I admit all my wrongs, I am not proud, and it makes me very sad about hurting those who meant the most to me during the process, but I’d never blame anyone else even when I could. Putting blame and making people feel sorry for you can be easier to deal with things but ultimately it is about us, our own self.

Love, understanding, acceptance is about respecting the person you love today and that is all. Why would anyone want to make someone they love feel terrible, when they know its all they have ever felt.

I’m thinking about the mother I feel today, and it isn’t easy because when they grow up, the only childhood memories that really stay on the forefront is those terrible times when we as the child, just wanted to fly away. It hurts on my heart and it will continue to hurt knowing my kids had those moments with me being their mother, protector.

The truth is we are mother’s, human beings, flawed, going through life, and trying to figure it out all at once. Some of us have learned to be a mother from our own, and tried to improve those things which hurt us as a child.

We as mothers want that same validation that children want from their parents and some of us won’t ever get it for numerous reasons.

Some of us children have been wanting that validation from a parent so long they as adults give it to the parent who they waited for, while forgetting the one who tried so hard to give them validation on the daily may need it too. We can’t give our children everything no matter how hard we try, we can only be an example. I am an imperfect example, flawed, completely kooky but I’m a mother who loves their child like no other.

I try to find strength, and that fake smile to get on by for my kids picking myself up again and again.

Love your mother for the person they are, not the person they were or you want them to be.

The more we concentrate on what we didn’t get or have only brings us down, leave it and say goodbye to that pain, it doesn’t own us!

I know my grandfather loves attention, he needs the validation often. My grandmother is the glue that binds our family and keeps my grandfather going on his own unique level, she loves and cares for us all. Her love and care is enough !

My grandfather, our family always recognizes him, feel sorry for his ailments and “baby the man” at times, well deserved. We don’t really do that for my grandmother, we see her as strong, happy, well, self sufficient… But just maybe, maybe she needs that validation at times more than my grandfather. I NEED to understand that and honor her for being the perfectly flawed mother, which isn’t always easy.

To my children, all those times I was busy at work, school, working on my degree, trying to save the world in my career, trying to find my way back up after getting lost, fighting my way out of my secret cave I’d put myself in to figure a way out, I am sorry if you felt left behind. Fathers go to work and do their bit and they are seen as doing what they have to, mothers are often not easily forgiven. I would sacrifice my time for you every time, and today!

โ€œBehold, everyone who uses proverbs will use this proverb about you: โ€˜Like mother, like daughter.โ€™โ€ โ€“ Ezekiel 16:44

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Done !

I watch you and I can’t believe for the first time there’s no where in this world I’d rather be. Life is happening outside and it sux for everyone trying to find and make meaning. And all I see is you, the hardworking man I’ve waited for all damn day, week , month ….

You place those steaks on the pan and I just bite my tongue because I wanna take you down. The way you take me down ๐Ÿ˜‰

You murmur about “where I may wanna be…” when I’m right where I am meant to be… Complete, not needing much else but the desire to share “us”, with the world !!!!

I am completely finished in your arms , there isn’t nothing left to search for ~~~~ I know what I have!

And, while everyone is searching~ I’m feeling done, for the first time in my life!

Thank you for your love, my love~ it is amazing !

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What is your Purpose today?

Personally, having a true purpose in this world has to be the most important part of life. I know for me, it is on the daily that is why I chose my chosen profession in Psychology; personally knowing I was making a huge impact on individuals, families, in this world has always been significant.

I also believe everyone in our life has a true purpose, everyone is here to help us come to that point where we are reaching our true potentials; however some are here to simply teach us lessons on truth and reality. Everyone is someone we can learn from.

One thing we tend to believe early on, is that we don’t need anyone. We believe we can do it all on our own; and some of us have done it on our own in so many ways. The truth is, we need to learn that it is ok to need another; it took me a while to trust another soul and especially to allow myself to be put in a situation where I would rely on another and know that just maybe they would truly have my back. We can’t be perfect without another; that is just the truth, if it were possible there wouldn’t be partnerships, marriage, families, friendships, teamwork, we wouldn’t have a whole world. The truth is no union will ever reach perfection until both sides agree in that truth and work together for the same cause. It is ok to NOT be strong in all areas; everyone deserves their time to shine; and no job is more important when you are working on the same cause. Working separately; is more comfortable for some who have done it; for others they want their partner involved in all areas even when it isn’t their specific time to shine; it is the support they strive on.

I know for me, dancing has always been a huge part of my life; my moment when I feel free. I love to dance; not to always specifically own the dance floor; and not to end the dance…the best part of the dance is enjoying each and every single move every step of the way. I can dance alone; it feels amazing at times but nothing can truly beat the feeling of being in a sync of moves and holds with a partner who understands the specific language in the dance.

I know it is very important for everyone to have a purpose in this world; no matter what part they play being acknowledged, and appreciated is extremely important to me. I am not saying a constant linguistic flow of praise is necessary; that just sounds fake. I am saying really allowing that person to do their part; and basking in the appreciation by absorbing it; kind of like someone making a really great meal for another and doing it with love all day; and tasting that meal and really taking in all the flavors and feeling wonderful about their work. I know it isn’t easy with children, when you work on a meal to feed your family only to find the children didn’t eat because they were too tired or just not hungry; it is easy to feel unappreciated. Can you imagine working hard all day for your paycheck while someone was spending their day spending the pay just as you made it?

I think for me; one of my purposes is making everyone I love feel like a better person, hence psychology. I would love for my significant other and children to wake up each day and know that their morning begins easier just because of me; preparing them for their day. I think one of the most important treasures we have is our home; and I think everyone should feel secure, and rightfully placed in their home; and if I can make the home feel like the best place on earth then I have fulfilled a huge purpose. I take pride knowing they want to come home; and when they do from a stressful day; they can de-stress in a place that makes them feel safe and sound. A place where we see all the significant things we have done for the day; that the rest of the world ignores.

Someone I know gave me one of the greatest compliments to this day, “I don’t know what I would do without you; I know if you were ever gone, I’d be lost in a big, big world.”

It is a great feeling knowing just being you; and all the things you do would make such a difference if you left this world. I think it is a little difficult for some to trust others and rely on them especially when you have been let down before by those who you loved and tried so hard for. I think the easiest thing to do to get started on the right path; is begin this moment seeing everything as a blessing. I think it is an even smarter thing when we have reached that level of acknowledging our blessings and taking it a step further and learning from each one. I know I love to be served, but honestly it is just as important for me to serve; and when a person doesn’t allow me to serve; I feel as if I am not needed; insignificant; and quite off-balance. It maybe just as easy for you to do someone else job; but retarding them of exultation of their own spirit is stifling and eventually that soul will go elsewhere to achieve its true destiny.

Every soul prepares for the new day, should purge what brought them toxicity, and should work on purifying and understanding how to become a blessing appreciated by others. My main achievement without a doubt is happiness, happiness is not-self indulgent for me; it is achieved from my moral integrity that stems from my true character which holds the essence of loyalty to all my values. It is so not just important for me that I am seen as valuable; but it is necessary that I am seen as the most valuable player and I will always put you in that place as well; because I try to give what I desire.

Being a true leader; especially in the family is enabling others to embrace their true spirit, make their visions a reality; make everyone realize they have a true and important purpose. Encouragement really comes natural there is no script; when someone feels they have a purpose; they become engaged in all they do; for whatever cause is necessary.

The one way to become greater as we age, is with wisdom and personal growth, personal achievements and gaining more understanding; and understanding your true purpose.

As Thomas Edison stated, “The object of all WORK is production; what we produce has a different result; each differing but all beginning with forethought, a plan, intelligence, and an honest purpose. Seeming to do is not doing.”

In order to be a true leader; you have to learn to trust your team; or you aren’t leading at all. Take a minute and share in the enthusiasm for the shared goal and purpose if you are a leader; that is the true way to deeply connect.

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Strike 1 … Strike 2…

Life sends us on journeys that are not planned, journeys we don’t want to endure, and paths that we aren’t ready for… But we must go whether we are ready are not. Why is life so unfair, we are all sinners we all make mistakes but some of us have to pay more than others … Like Jesus, we all have our own cross to bear.

What a lot of us don’t understand is that sometimes it is time for us to leave everything we have known, everything we know that is our comfort because we were put on this earth to be greater than who we have been, and greater than what we are. We have to trust and go… Go to where God is sending us next, no matter how strange and scary it may seem; if we weren’t strong enough, and if we weren’t ready, he wouldn’t send us there.

Sometimes I think we need to pause, pause in this busy ever moving world and remember all those people we miss. All the people that are no longer with us, what did they bring and leave with me? What is it that we want to leave behind in everyones head and โ™ฅ?

And remember…

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Ladies and Lil ladies

Being emotional, sensitive, and female isn’t easy and all these wrapped together can feel like fire. Throw in that time of the month, and or any type of hormonal changes and females are a bubbly brew of highs and lows. It really isn’t easy, and men should consider themselves lucky they have the ability to stay balanced, predictable with their feelings most of the time, and have the ability to look the other way. Girls can’t run away from themselves, we can try but she will always find us.

Women don’t necessarily have that perfect option to wake up every morning in the perfectly balanced state as a testicled man and yes often times that sucks.

Women then get graced with wondeful labeles, like emotional, moody, grouchy, whiney, and off the charts. Some days we wake up so hormonal are heads in the clouds and everything that is said or not said is completely torture to the soul.

The irritability makes everything feel like a catastrophe and makes us just want to fly away one moment and the be saved the very next.

And no matter how crazy you label us to be… The truth is

One of the hardest parts of being a girl and becoming a woman, is self acceptance some of us have a hard time dealing with it during changes, and some have forever complexes. My view is … You are perfectly made by God. The world loves to keep women down and teach us differently. Some of us have huge lips, are embarrased haven’t quite embraced the beauty of their fullness, some of us pump them with toxic substances to change them because we feel they are too thin, the truth is only we can grasp the truth we have the perfect lips that someone will be mesmerized with if they love you. We have to love first, and appreciate.

Dear soul sisters I want you to know that you are complete, mind blowing and all.

Everything about who we are, the unique smell of our eccense. Just as we smell a newborn baby so perfect, the smell of pure love.

Women don’t change just find out who you truly are, and all those things you aren’t, let go… All the people you act differently around for the sake of them, don’t allow anyone to make you a sell out to yourself.

And the rest will shine. ๐ŸŒž

And one of the most important things is to love yourself because someone is watching, always.

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I hate you, thief!

Psychologically other human beings, situations, the world around us changes our brain and way of thinking. Ideas and beliefs are formed in ways that run so deep, it takes a hell of work to get over it, see it differently, and or change our thinking pattern.

Growing up as a child then finding a way as a teen around someone’s addictions is difficult. It’s easy to go from what is familiar to another addictive personality because it is what we accept to be our truth, even when the truth is entirely ugly. Then in no time at all, you have realized your own addiction has manifested.

Becoming everything you despised, but finally understanding in a new way, its all about forgetting the world around us.

We try so hard to lose the reality we know at times when it isn’t easy to face, we’d prefer at times to get wrapped up in a worldwind of lies, fake flashes of some other life that resembles nothing close to our own.

Deep down we have to keep searching for that escape, and sadly those that we love, often are left feeling left behind, confused, and alone.

Day after day after the feeling gets overwhelming and some days it’s too much. It isn’t easy watching sadly from the other side seriously trying so hard to understand. The feelings often move like a roller coaster wondering if they will ever feel the deserved guilt because the anger and hurt is well set in, and all that is felt is, your life “together” just wasn’t enough.

Speaking from the adult point of view, yes it stemmed from childhood, but I’m talking about one area here. I found myself in a marriage where I spent the first few years dealing with anger to eventually progressive rage. The chosen addiction was, gaming, sports, television, and alcohol. I spent years angry he wouldn’t put me first, always on the back burner, after almost 7 years trying to do it alone. I eventually found solace in not needing him because I was becoming a new mama, a first time mother.

Little did I understand at that young time in my life the animosity would only get worse because I would need him more now than ever. What was acceptable to me by allowing myself to be ignored, and put second, well that was not going to be as acceptable for my daughter.

I am sad that I allowed and played my part to allow a constant disconnection in marriage. It seemed that began so innocently. It seemed innocent, it was gaming and watching television; most would consider that innocent.

The problem is when we talked we had to wait for a certain point in his game for a pause, or we would get yelled at, or a commercial, when he got home its the first thing he went to. When he fell asleep it was the last thing he saw and heard and all in between we maneuvered in for his attention.

One day I had enough and I was tired of being second, I got his PlayStation where he not only gamed from but watched all his beloved movies… I threw it from the top floor of our home with so much force it didn’t just come down with a hit, I made sure all my force sent it crashing down with no chance of a possibility of survival and if I could’ve I would have tortured that thing for weeks! Every time I looked at it in the house it was like a smiling mistress taunting me.

I hated him for allowing anything to take “us” away, but even more for ignoring me and eventually his only child at the time. The disrespect grew as she got older and I went from her toddler years of teaching her to act cute, win him over, to teaching her we don’t need him and let’s get out of here.

I promised never to buy a TV once I had the courage to leave him. I kept my word and explained to the family we wouldn’t have a TV, until my kids were old enough to bring one in themselves; that they paid for. I went on to have 2 more kids with him, because the only identity I had, was being a mother… And my son comes๐Ÿ’ž

My son wanted a tv, and found the love of gaming early on, how could I hold it against him for what his father did, so I allowed it, after his older sister got him a T.V.

I remember feeling so vulnerable when I’d hear anyone’s TV on, almost as if they were turning to the other side. I had a huge fear I would lose my family to the power of that shitbox.

My current situation is , I am in love, with my forever, I have a love we are raising a family together… He deserves everything in this life and how can I allow something so insignificant to get between us? It isn’t easy to ignore and work through because while its an insignificant piece of material, its so significant to me in so many emotional ways.

Once the cable was hooked not too long ago, he came home and began immediately switching through channels and the anxiety came full force. I wasn’t about to let this get to me, I work through my own shit.

Your true work in life is to keep lifting your frequency, because everything in your life comes as a result of the frequency you are on.

I promised to myself I would leave the TV on for a few hours every day and just get use to it being on while he was at work so I could hear it and see it, desynthesize! I know about this!

Day 1 I was proud it had been on for hours and I was able to get through my day doing my “daily’s” not allowing it to get to me. I actually laughed a little and enjoyed the dumb tube. It was so easy to be entertained with absolutely no thought process.

Day 2 I was annoyed and I tried hard to tune it out but I could hear the constant buzz of annoyance which made me feel irritable.

Day 3 No more television, its taking up my music time.

Today was movie day, uhggg I felt like fighting the world! And he gets 2 !!! ๐Ÿ˜ซ

TURN IT OFF ALREADY!!!! Forever a struggle!

We had movie night and I survived, it went well actually very different than before. He loved me, we held each other, and laughed, made our comments, kissed, cuddled, and I fed him ice cream… Venom lol that’s the first movie we have seen together. I don’t know if I want to sign up for movie night again so soon , but that was so entirely different and so sweet.

God didnโ€™t call us to be comfortable; He called us to take new ground. The scary place is where we grow. Itโ€™s where we discover our wings so we can soar and become who we were created to be.

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Bubbles, lavender, and ๐Ÿ’ž

Finding and then allowing a person to treat you special isn’t easy, especially when it’s foreign.

My gift ๐Ÿ’ž

He dances with me in the rain and changes everything with a dance, my life in love gets even sweeter! Dancing in the kitchen is frequent but never the same. Life in love is so sweet, stopping to always dance and exchange our looks and kisses, I could have never dreamed of a better feeling than when I was little dancing on my daddy’s feet. ๐Ÿ˜Š

Everyone should be with that person who makes you know, right now, at this moment you are enough. Everyone should be able to fully believe in another.

After life kicks us in the butt, it’s a true blessing to have that one, that love that makes the world fall away on a Saturday and remind you in this world you 2 share…

Someone is getting ๐Ÿ‘‘ treatment this morning from my King. ๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿ™ #blessed

We connected to get lost, and for the first time in my life; I’ve been found !

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You with me or not

When you have been alone your whole life, you realize you don’t really appreciate anyone doing shit for you…. Cuz they ain’t! You appreciate those people doing things with you, I ain’t anyone’s fuckin martyr, you work with me or your against me not on my team simple as that !

Together or separate !

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You don’t know Jack!

And for some, this is the truth ๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ข๐Ÿ˜ญ
#dontjudge because losing it all, your world changes your life sometimes! #sorry #alwaysrecovering #alcholism

#mistakes

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I didn’t sign up for this ****

I didn’t sign up for this sh**!

How many of us are living a life we truly dreamed of, or can actually say have lived the perfect life.

Some are born with the perfect parents, blessed with a beautiful example about what a loving relationship is supposed to encompass. Parents that raise a wonderful family that give us a plethora of sibling love, understanding, support, and loyalty.

Then there are the others, born struggling through insecurities, doubt’s, anger, and fears while trying to figure out what a loving relationship is and isn’t supposed to really be about.

Some of us are graced in this world with all the great material things their heart desires, while others struggle hard to just make it out of hood they were rooted in, while trying hard to keep those they love feeling safe and sound.

Some individuals look ahead and are miraculously placed with the answers, as if God blessed them with a perfected photographic mind, while others have to struggle to know what answer the truth holds and while trying to make it through the climb, hope to understand the answer just a little better.

Some work hard in every way possible to change their uncertainties, and find power in the driver seat expecting a certain destination. Expectation, is where the disillusionment stems, we aren’t put in this earth to drive, it may sound cliche but solace will be found in the truth of allowing Jesus to take the wheel. Letting go and just letting the one true thing, Love.

So many of us are imitating the wrong people, our friends, family, sibling, parents, and on the daily. The only one we should imitate, who is the only all-perfect is God. It isn’t hard you can wear anything, wear your hair natural, buy nothing extraordinary all it takes is love.

Live a life of LOVE!

I am guilty, it is easy to look at all the things in life that we want to change. Jesus life was a perfect example of that, he was on this earth for his purpose, he was our sacrifice to God. Give thanks today for everything that is going right and you will begin to feel a little better every day. Trust where God is taking you even if you are feeling like a spoiled toddler kicking and screaming.

The bible tells us, Ephesians 5:6 Let no one deceive you with empty words~ no one on this earth has the answers only you need, no one can tell you what is right for you, and no one can justify you. The only light you will find is through love and in the Lord.

Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you’re waiting.

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Sexualization

It’s amazing how my own self can be a sell out to my own beliefs. I understand, the less sexualized my media is, the less it’s viewed, and I am learning to come to an understanding about that.

The truth is, sex rules our universe and it’s because sex is really that awesome.

The problem however is, sex loses it’s great significance when it becomes ordinary like everything else.

Temptation is everywhere and people tend to desensitize sexuality because its plaster on social media, and yes, I am guilty. People are so conditioned to watch anothers curves, strengths, veins, sweat drip and even the sound of someone’s heavily breathing and it takes us to a place where we go when we get lost in lustful instinct and all we can do is imagine what that person is like under all our senses.

People don’t really have a clue anymore what full devotion is like. If I hadn’t had full devotion I would have probably met my love sooner. The truth is when I am fully devoted there is no other. Some people require commitment in heart, body, eyes, and mind; while others can just settle for a minimum commitment.

One thing for sure, is I think we need to really take note in the way we view the opposite sex; I was single not too long ago so I know I am guilty of viewing the opposite sex in ways that were not only instinctive, but self learned, and also degrading. I just know in order to feel respected we have to know how to respect our own self… And that is something I am working on.

It’s also not a service to our own self when we write off ” hurtful situations” by saying it’s not a big deal or “it’s a small thing”, when humor is used passively aggressively used to give life to disrespect. When “humor” is nonchalantly used to reflect disrespect it’s hard to realize how damaging it really is to a relationship and how each of us gives life to the blow that will eventually take mutual respect down.

Just thinking tonight ~

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Peace is all I really need!

Inner Peace has got to be one of the most valuable feelings this world has to offer, especially when you’ve lacked it for quite a while. Valuing those who bring a peace in your life for everyone is different, because we all have different needs and fears.

Inner peace comes with time if your soul is surrounded by those things which you truly need. People who bring you comfort, acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses and make you feel stronger. So many of us are hung up on the material things of this world, and they can give us tremendous peace especially when we have survived deprived of a lot of our basic needs. It’s great when we have an opportunity to experience happiness because our true needs are met. Happiness radiates in our soul and everyone can see it beam.

Integrity is one of the most important attributes because if we are not honest with ourselves and others, then who are we really. We can’t change our course with the new day or with people around the way because then we really aren’t who we are, the world is telling us who to be. Honesty is important because it reminds us who we are and where we will stand even when the world fights hard to make us different. We have to hold on strong to our character and morals and choose to honor our soul and those souls we love and treasure.

Making a choice to think decent isn’t always easy, and sometimes a thrill makes us let our guard down, sometimes its bad character that we learned long ago was acceptable. If it gives an unacceptable feeling to someone you really care about, why would that decision be worth it? I learned from many great others before me, that it shouldn’t feel like a sacrifice, it shouldn’t remain alive if it gives one you love a feeling of disrespect or disregard to their feelings. I know I have allowed disrespect to myself, and for what; so I could face it and believe that I would conquer the feeling when in actuality it not only gave me a greater feeling of disrespect but it made me associate disrespect from a relationship that didn’t have it before…

Never sacrifice your heart and soul for the favor of another.

When I decide if I will do something different or even the same, I have to weigh in how fair it really is to the persons involved, because no matter how habitual it maybe in my life, it may no longer hold the same life with new souls around me and if I try to make it true, that is pure selfishness on my part in something I refuse to let go.

When we put those we love feelings in perspective along comes a great trust that resonates from the soul connection that no one can quite understand but everyone can see and feel. If only others would put those they love up where they put their own selfish needs, there would be a lot more trust amongst us, less division, and true love.

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Trust him ๐Ÿ’– ๐Ÿ™

Love is so powerful that even when it hurts, scars, and changes the innocence of who we are, we still hold onto it and can’t let go of what we love.

Those of us who refuse to, not let love win; live life eagerly always hoping that love wins the favor of all. Sometimes it doesn’t win, sometimes it’s calm, quiet, and settled and we have to learn how to just let it be… But then a lot later we realize it wins in the end.

Sometimes we have to trust and really learn to let go, and Let God. Trusting isn’t easy, because it goes against control and security with what we expect, but what do we have in a relationship, if there is no trust? I don’t have all the answers for those I love, all I can be is a reminder that when we don’t understand the “why’s” there is no one on this earth who can give us the answer there really is only ONE, who can and only if it’s time for our understanding.

If you speak to someone in your own language, and they speak another language how in the world can you both fully understand?

There is only one who can give us the strength we need, we need to trust his love and allow him to encourage us in the next chapter even when we don’t understand it…

And trusting is truly the only true way we will find comfort.

Through Jesus Christ!

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Let me be me!

Losing “ones” identity can happen very easily, and innocently if we don’t stay focused on the truth. The reason in my understanding, is because love is NOT proud!

Love is not proud. It doesn’t have to explain or boast… It just gives~

One day we give up a part of who we are, for those we love.

Love isn’t self seeking so by loving we give of our self.

One day I wake up and find I miss all those things I enjoyed and loved to do that I gave up or ignored for the sake of another.

I find myself always realizing when that is happening.

I love completely, and protect ferociously, and yearn to give my loved ones peace.

It’s not easy when I know someone I love isn’t proud of the way I express myself, I hold nothing back; its who I have always been.

I am well aware of when someone has me muting my own expressions for a minute I can feel it burning in my soul. Being a selfless person, its easy for those minutes to become days until I slowly figure out I don’t remember what the “older me” even feels like anymore, all I know is that I have allowed myself to become a newer version based on someone else’s insecurities and needs.

It isn’t until someone comes around and reminds us how special we really are inside based on our own unique expressions that stem from our own needs.

I am thankful when someone special comes in my life and allows me to remember who I really am, who i really missed. I am grateful when my loved ones encourage it by actually cherishing those parts of me that our in the essence of all I truly am. The feel of me is authentic and honest based on my own pre-planned destiny. All I know is I am found once again.

One of the biggest struggles in life is getting to the point where you truly understand, you have to do you, and in your own way.

It seems from the moment we are born, we are told how we are supposed to act, live. Specially, its even before that moment, when gender is acknowledged. Each of us tends to assimilate for others, those we love who matter to us. We want to make them proud, and we fear embarrassing them for their own understanding is different, because they are different. We are made to be different, even from our own. We all bring something unique to the world, yet we want everyone to follow a status quo to keep our own self safe.

I think the greatest gift you could ever give another human being is to allow them to be them; even if you don’t understand or agree. Allowing a person to explore find out who they are, are made to be and what they will do or become, that takes a lot of trust in God and in the individual.

It takes strength and a strong sense of identity to not allow another to live in your head based on their interpretations.

Allowing a person to be who they are is comforting, but it really isn’t enough. If the person is someone you love, then you can’t just let them be… You have to truly understand that it is the most excellent way for them at that place in time. How can you expect someone to love you completely yet you are not loving them completely. You can’t expect someone to speak your language and ignore their own and feel or have true love and acceptance from you.

If you are afraid or embarrassed of how they …

You may think your way is smarter and better but if you think differently you will understand far more and broaden your own mind and โ™ฅ heart. You can give someone all the things that this world has to offer

but they won’t feel a fulfilling, true damn thing worthy until you give them love.

Love protects and defends~

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How to repair tailight lens cover on 2008 Town and Country Chrysler!

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1st Valentines 2019

Rico Espinoza it’s amazing when I think about how the world surrounds me with a zillion people that become my friend.

Then there’s the “one” that walks in and grabs me with a strong physical “force” and that made my body and nerves shake with our simple interactions… The only thing I really knew is that I wanted to know more.

Then our next moment comes, where there is a “physical connect” a simple kiss and or hug getting in the car was not an ordinary greeting; something magically and instantaneous happened. The truth is, I really didn’t understand at that point, I just knew that I didn’t want the night to end.

Then each day after I wake up without you, not wanting to be away… And I know you felt the same because we were never apart after that ~

And I realized my mornings are made with the first touch from your lips and I am not ever gonna let go~

My chained and protected heart โ™ฅ unleashed with each memory made…

Looking at your face I see into your eyes, not the eye itself but way deep inside into places I know I should’ve been a part of, greatness I wouldn’t trade for the world. I look into your eyes and feel love by a glance, not needing more, just your soul.

The smile that gives me security in my heart and leaves me with no doubt at all~ You are my man, You love me, and You are about me! And my love, I am yours, about you, for you, always!

The understanding we have shared after dealing with so much stress of life that brought on, loss, death, betrayal, mishaps, stupidity that allowed us to prove our loyalty, understanding, and forgiveness in such a short period of time. We spent the last 8 months or so building each other up, confiding in one another, and not letting go.

Playing it cool while admiring you, being you ~

And realizing over and over this is no ordinary love, your lips on mine…

Thank you for stopping the world and making it just ours no matter where we maybe when Kendrick Lamar, JCole, Luke Bryan, and Kane Brown come on ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’•~and all those old school beats from all our missed decades together, we are doing them again now!

๐Ÿ’Valentine’s day๐Ÿ’
ใ€‚๏ผšโ”‚โ”‚‘:. โ”‚,”+โ”‚๏ผš
*.”๐Ÿ”‘๏ผš๐Ÿ“ฑโ”‚๐Ÿ’ฐโ”‚
:๐ŸŽ‚
ใ€‚๐Ÿš—๏ผšโ”‚๐Ÿ’๏ผš๐Ÿ’ฃใ€‚
* ๐Ÿ’Ž๐Ÿ’ *.:๐Ÿ‘—ใ€๐ŸŽ
๐Ÿ‘„It’s all for YOU๐Ÿ’‹

I love you Rico!

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2019 – Resolution !

Sorry for no credit to unknown artist !

2019 – Resolution, think about yours!

2016 I vowed to work on being more “Humble” that was my resolution. I always pray and as I spoke to God with so much determination, I realized he really gives us exactly what we need. I spent the year losing a great job trying to care for my loved one with a disability. We literally lost everything, everything we had worked for and every material item I had clung to since childhood.

2017 I wanted to just feel content, after being homeless and trying to find a new normal, I basically realized I couldn’t just be the glue, I couldn’t just be content while holding on so tight to all things that I needed to let go.

2018 I began to breaking binding chains mid year I just prayed for the strength to let go, and I did. As I released the chains I let go and like a caged bird I found myself flying out of control but experiencing the most wonderful beautiful feeling ever. People saw a change and for some they didn’t like it…

because for the first time in decades I finally began doing me!

Previously, running to protect, and save everyone but me;

the end of 2018 had me flying soaring toward my happiness and trusting God as the only true protector of those I love along the way.

Remembering the true basics that were always a huge part of Michele Renee, positivity! Every situation can be turned into a positive, every person is in my life for a reason, and every toxic being needed to go…

2019 it is almost here, 5 days…

It is all about my spirit, good choices for me, and expelling all my greatness out in the world. 2019 I will be sure to feel my happiness everyday, not the happiness tomorrow will bring, the happiness I hold in my heart today for all I am and have. I will love myself and all those close to me harder than ever. I am full of love and love is all I really am certain of. I will love without holding back and without fear, I will love because I am love. I will find peace even when it’s chaotic, I will search for the peace because I deserve it and so do those I love. I will remain confident , because all in all I am the one that holds all the power!

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Which way should I go

Which way should I go~

Where is the road to happy town? Why do I feel so sad and see everyone so sad and struggling?

Life isn’t easy & it kicks us in the backside day in and day out, and yes it isn’t fair… And yes I should stop whining.

We will either make someone’s day or piss them off… And all we can do is follow our true self or we will always be miserable caring.

There are so many things in life we believe is the key to our happiness… We make it a point in our minds to truly believe that once “something” is obtained we will then be the recipient of the happy-self.

We achieve what we believe is the “key” and realize it wasn’t necessarily so, we then focus on the new idea that is freshly implanted in our mind.

In some people’s minds “we” seem to have it all, but we realize we still don’t have what we want.

True success is getting more but feeling happy and content with what you already have.

I know it’s hard to accept that the truth is if you aren’t happy with what you already have, the truth is nothing out in the world is going to be the secret key to your happiness.

Changing the way you feel, think will no doubt change the way you act… And you would be amazed at what follows.

People quickly hop out of relationships and tend to point the blame on the other… The truth is if you if you are holding blame, depression, anxiety, judgment, resentment, guilt, perfectionism, procrastination that needs to be worked on first.

If you find yourself holding on to regret about what you “lost,” then you are still searching for the same “lost” answers in places that don’t have them.

Surrounding oneself with people who truly love and support us is the icing, sometimes others can support us but it’s still our own personal journey.

Life is full of downs the important lesson learned should always changing it into a positive no matter how detrimental it may seem to be.

The ultimate key we can find is the one that allows us to discover our true self and find our inner peace.

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Love, Touch, and Words

Learning about Love~ you would think we wouldn’t have to learn about love; since we were born loving perfectly; but along the way some things and some people come along the way and make love seem so deranged.ย  Our parents or primary caregivers are usually the living models about what love is supposed to be like, feel like; how we are supposed to love another.ย  Then we meet other souls who know a different way of loving; and we spend sometimes years waiting for them to love us in our own unique way; and we blame them for not giving us the love we need.

Every relationship begins with the “infatuation stage,”ย  during that stage all needs are met; but it is limited and short-lived while it is easy; it is not the best stage.ย  The next stage, the “relationship phase” is where love deepens and blossoms; this is the best stage <3.ย  I am aware my current relationship is definitely past the infatuation phase and getting into relationship phase, which is scary for someone like ourselves who were both vulnerable not too long ago due to love.

Real love is when discussing the differences begins; it is when we see the faults of the other, learn to accept another’s irritating behaviors, learn our own irritating behaviors and despite being annoyed we still know the other is completely worth it and want to be better for the other person.

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So many people think that they need to accomplish a set of goals to feel the love; or get the love deserved.ย  Life never gets easy, we are basically in this struggle together and while you acquire “material stuff,” it never is worth it if you don’t feel the love you need along the way.ย  Building a life together is wonderful; but if it you don’t feel the love today don’t wait until tomorrow and concentrate on fulfilling emptiness with money, cars, houses, and other temporary fulfillment.

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Every person’s needs for love is different, completely different for me I believe in the biblical meaning of “become one flesh.”ย  ย Everyone has their own priorities and will work on what is important to them; I spend my years in college learning about love and relationships and I still have so much to learn; i don’t feel like an expert at all; I feel like a student who will forever be learning about love.ย  ย If it is important to me; then it has to be important to my partner; because if he is not willing to work on our life as a priority then he can’t love me the way I need to be; and that is not his fault it is just the truth.

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For me the most important parts of intimate love is that it is exclusive; in the beginning of a relationship this can be confusing because some people believe as long as it is physically exclusive; then it is exclusive; that isn’t true for everybody.ย  I think the exclusiveness should be in body, heart, mind; and yes I know we are all humans and can get side swiped when we least expect it but that is when we decide how important that decision is; because you will definitely hurt the relationship or kill it when you think something is acceptable to another and you are making them feel disrespected.ย  Then there are certain behaviors that are acceptable to both partners but one is afraid the other may feel disrespected… the key is and should always be communication.

One of my top love languages is actually words of affirmationย  I am huge on words; I write words I listen to lyrics daily and take them in, I love words!!!!ย  I love to communicate; that is why my degree is in psychology; because it is about listening, understanding the language of the mind.ย  I could live off compliments and encouragement; but I can also be shaken and given doubt with a few wrong choice of words.ย  One of my favorite body parts would have to be the tongue; no doubt~ and sadly the other day my partner hurt me and I kissed him and bit his tongue; not realizing it as we were both playing and feisty I had to take a step back and realize why I was so aggressive.

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If that is my love language I definitely don’t want to hear him giving words of affirmation in my own exclusive way of intimacy to another or how is that exclusive to me?

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God has definitely sent me someone to test my sensitive meter because he is brass and says the wrong things more than anyone I have ever met; ๐Ÿ˜€ but we are still learning each other; and while I wouldn’t want to change one thing about him; I would hope he could eliminate saying certain things that don’t really matter to him; but hurt me like hell.ย  I would also hope he learns to use his words in a more loving way; to make me feel loved.

I can say to this day; one of the best compliments I received; that made me feel so loved was someone noticing each time they saw me the colors in my eyeshadow.ย  Greetings would be like; “I love the way you are wearing that hint of green around the purple; it is mesmerizing..”ย  “the way you perfectly blended those colors on your eyes…”ย  ย vs. “you don’t need any colors on your eyes.”~ the later sounds like a nice compliment touching on the natural beauty aspect; but how about appreciating what is in your face at the moment; and the energy used to hold that feel for the day.

I am blessed that my boyfriend as I shall call him; has taken the time to read some of my writings; a few of my favorite people aren’t much of readers; but this is important to me in getting his affirmation; that is why I started talking to him in the first place because he said he read one of my blogs.

One thing I am learning about him, one of his top love language seems to be, physical touch.

Love is not getting what you want or making someone do what you want, or changing a person to who you want them to be.ย  Love is doing for those you love.

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Physical touch is easy for me to give; I love to hug, hold, touch, kiss him and when I am hurt I often pull away to his physical touch and this is definitely not what he needs; and I know I can work on that. It is very easy to want to withdraw or retaliate when we are hurt.ย  One thing I need to concentrate on is stopping, breathing and calming my fire down and remembering what he needs; and remembering what he doesn’t need like a bite to the tongue. ๐Ÿ˜‰

We can’t use our love languages as a weapon to hurt or it will destroy our relationship.ย  Giving him physical touch is easy to me; it’s what I love and it comes naturally I am not being true to my spirit orย  his when I refrain.ย  I love to hold him; his strength is amazing; and just feeling his body is connected to mine in the car, when we are out, everywhere keeps the anticipation alive of more intimate gestures. We are both physical and active and we both play wrestle and enjoy each others naturally aggressive nature ;).

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WE both share Quality Time as a primary love language as well; that is what the next blog will be about. ~

 

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REBOUND, I want more!

For all the bishes that call REBOUND; that word has become one of the most miraculous words I have yet known; and if this is rebound ~~~~ give me more!!!!!!!

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It has almost been 6 months that I decided to leave the relationship with Gus; it was hard because we truly were best friends; neither of us wanted to hurt each other; and thankfully neither of us purposely did.

3 major episodes sent me over; and it was the last one that took us both over the edge and drove us apart to a place where I would find myself saying I won’t, I can’t , I will never go back…

The mental illness was too much for our relationship; losing jobs, cars, housing, all our belongings more than twice; and mix in the toll our hanging security raveled on with all the games and bullying from the “haters” who consistently worked for years on sabotaging our relationship would lead to the inevitable. We always knew we were too strong to let it happen; we had each others back and would never allow toxic to overpower; but slowly it did. People put in doubt and add it mental illness and it was too much for anyone to take.

I had to do what was right for me and I decided to do that on my birthday of this year; June 6, 2018; and I spent the rest of June and July crying hysterically because of the guilt, fear, and the pain.

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During this time I met a friend who God would send to help me remember what life was supposed to feel like.

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It was about a month when Rico came into my life; unexpected and completely it seemed out of nowhere. The only thing I knew when I met him was I had a broken heart, I never wanted to be in another relationship as long as I lived, and that I was going to spend each day with the people in my life who would make me forget the pain; I just needed to forget…

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and he walked in and made me forget with one glance back at me after our initial meeting.

We were both going through some heavy stuff at the time; little did I realize God send me him and sent me for him. I don’t believe in promises because nothing is really a guarantee; I learned that with Gus no matter how beautiful it seemed; nothing is always as it seems. My trust was lost and really I was just ready to play and not take another relationship serious.

Rico came to me with confidence and I was attracted to that; because no one has ever stole my confidence away before; I am always on top of my game; I felt like no one was above me but God and my kids and because I put them there. I never met someone and instantly felt “they gave me a run for my money,” but something about him made me forget my name and those of all the people around me; all I knew was for the first time I didn’t remember to hold and own the world in my hands; I wanted to crawl in his and just be with him. Everything I ever knew was nonexistent for a moment in time; and I didn’t understand why, but my curiosity would send me to find out.

The first time we went out the only expectation was this is my new friend and we are going to have fun together; that was always my expectation each new day~

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For some strange reason the magnetic force was so strong that after our first outing; we weren’t able to stop and we literally consistently pulled to be with each other everyday since; so what started out our journey with our anthem… our goal forget about life; and all the stress and pain; and Let’s just Get Lost… I would even begin singing and chanting in his beautiful ear… these wonderful lyrics~

On the daily we find us; losing everything we ever knew; leaving behind all the bullshit we carried for so long; losing it all because it was finally time …. and choosing to leave it all behind and learning to accept losing what is no longer our reality.

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Rico I love your trust in me; the fact that during a time that life decides to tear your heart to the core; at the same time it was doing it to mine all we both wanted was to hold on even tighter to each other. When everything was in our life was showing us; everything you have known so far is not anymore and in a lot of ways shouldn’t have ever been; we still wanted to trust what we know as the truth. We both are extremely loyal for the main fact that is who we are; and we not only trusted each other but held on and watched understandingly as we closed our previous chapter. We were both always truthful 100% and honest with each other and sacrificed even during our own painful time to allow the other to do what they needed in our own way; even if we had to compromise a little understanding initially.

You always joke and tell me I will fall in love with you “later” when you show me what you can do for me. I don’t know how you can’t see I don’t live for later; and as far as I am concerned you have reached capacity ๐Ÿ˜‰ …. I love you completely today; and If tomorrow I can love you more than we are truly blessed and have a life to look forward to but while I do love you for how you make me feel; I love you because of the man you are now.

I love you for the courage you show me everyday; when you listen to my fears and stay by my side. We may have started off getting Lost Together; but even more beautiful is the us we are finding together. The us; that doesn’t like to be away from one another; the wonderful attachment that makes us feel incomplete and lost without the other in the moment.

I love how we laugh so hard over the stupidest things right in the middle of this super serious life we are sharing.

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I love the spontaneity of us; stopping and pulling over to dance in the rain every chance we get… it has been a rainy few months; Thank the Lord for all the opportunities to make some of the greatest memories right here in our world where ever it maybe …

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I love your strength and tenacity because dumb fks can come at us from every angle imaginable; but we just actually get up, dust that shit right off and keep going.

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and you’re from the hood; enough said ๐Ÿ˜‰

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current mode for us has been~

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Football and Dallas Cowboys ;*

When ever my kids comment It makes me think, because their opinions and insight matter.

This was a post I put up on Facebook talking minor smack about our Cowboys, finally getting a win.

But my daughter’s response, who I considers knows me best caught me off guard….

You don’t even like football

I spent 3 years of my life at every single practice and game in high school with my heart on the field. I passion and concern was for every single player on that field giving their heart and soul and amazing us with tons of wins โ™ก best days ever…

I thought to myself, does she even know me ! Lol I grew up in my grandma’s house on the Northwest side of San Antonio when Danny White was our quarterback. I was a little girl but without fail every weekend was getting ready for football… Sunday’s were the best ever because everyone was yelling, high energy on full throttle, lots of laughter, beer, and food. My dad would get so passionate and yell turn off the TV… last quarter with hope left ๐Ÿ˜‚ ! My greatest childhood memories are Sundays enjoying football with my family. We would make pots and for some reason I always won big every Super bowl…

My family would actually make props for yelling defense, even if it was only in our living room together with no social media involved.

And after a win, the pic was pure memory to always hold on to the love… of family, cowboys, and fun…

My daughters last few years was a breaking up of our family… and I’m so sorry she doesn’t even know what to feels like to have that in her home.

It really made me realize how we change for others, how we allow others to change us, and stop doing all those things that are important to us and that we love, and just fall into a trap of repetition and doing what works or doing what has to be done to not create any waves…

How years can pass and we can even begin to let go of doing all those things that make you feel great, alive, and just true to your soul.

To my kids I am so sorry I let go of Michele for so long in so many ways that kept me busy, and us searching. I know who I am I am proud and I’m proud of you all. Everyday is an opportunity to smell the Rose’s, and nothing less.

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Feeling it now

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End of Chapter

So I spent 2016-2017 fighting on the daily…with obstacle after obstacle, upset after upset, betrayal, abandonment, and creative chaos.

Everything about my life had been exciting, it was always about me being flung over the highest height which always left me breathless dangling from an even weaker and weaker bungee cord.

After a while “he” my sidekick at that time would come rescue me finally when things finally began to settle and like a sick game as I reached the top and felt higher he would then dance me off the safe net once again and laugh as he dangled in my mind all my fears.

The hardest part was realizing how two souls, who were completely in love with each other and got along so well could completely fall apart due to circumstances beyond their control. Time would prove I would be all I promised time would show you I was strong enough to hold on to us so nothing could separate us, at least while it felt worth it, and even long after it didn’t because life has built me with that kind of hope.

Once the spiraling began to unravel circumstances took over and drove our individual souls to a complete direction in this new life which would now be our own.

Chapter closed, no regrets!

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Do you even want to know

Continuing this wonderful LOVE journey; learning love better on the dailyโ€ฆ Today lesson makes me think about the importance of understanding.

Proverbs 13:15 teaches us that UNDERSTANDING always wins favor.ย  The way of the unfaithful will always be hard; and then people wonder why love is hard.ย  Love isnโ€™t hard; itโ€™s about understanding; taking the time to understand something or someone that is different than what we know.ย  I think more times than not people just want us to do what they say, without much thought about reason; and if itโ€™s even working as is doesn’t matter they just keep doing the same things yet except a difference.

Are we so smart and perfect that we just expect the world to adjust to our own way of thinking?

Maybe that is where the problem isโ€ฆ and more times than not, that is why fools remain fools, and people cycle around that vicious circle of same issue different soulโ€ฆ

Trust brings healing!

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Love your life

Inquiring minds always want to know and Michele Renee well, that is me! I’ve spent my life sharing honesty, ๐Ÿ’ฏ, real , raw, yup; an open book. Sharing everything I understand and all I completely try to and will without a doubt get to!

The last few months has taken me on a journey unlike any other, searching and trying to hold on to the sweet memories of the past; but also learning to let go and accept the fact, the past is the past!

It’s always easy to remember the memories with golden sprinkles of excellence but the truth is the existence lives in my brain the way I decide to keep it, and the truth is, it’s gone!

The last few decades I begged God, send me love and in so many strange ways he did. Finding love in so many ways made me realize it wasn’t found on the outside, but within.

A few months ago I was hurt really bad in love and I didn’t want God to ever send me love again I just wanted to love, understand love and learn it on a whole new level…ask and you shall receive! When you give love though it definitely comes back twofold!

A better me begins each day and along the way God sends me new people to love and appreciate, it doesn’t mean any of the others are less worthy it’s just I follow my heart and trust and it’s always the way it should be. As most people will say I hold high energy, loving each day with a thrive, my peeps are always the ones with that high energy climb…. mistakes are being made but together we are learning and making adjustments because we matter individually, paired, and in unison.

Living with haters who wanna watch a fall , lol makes us laugh harder and appreciate the struggle in all ….

There are a lot of fake people who act like they love us and have our back but the truth shows, love doesn’t have conditions. I know we get mad when life doesn’t work as we planned but it isn’t our plan it’s God’s plan! It’s not about reading a few bible verses and believing it and stopping there! Let’s think about living the word on the daily even when it’s not in our selected favor, the one we believe should be happening when we want it to.

I’m sorry if I hurt you, our understanding maybe done but I never meant to hurt you. If you look at me and it creates a negative emotion within that’s not what it was ever suppose to be about. I don’t understand why life happens the way it does but this year more than ever I pray for peace and understanding and if someone is stuck in their own belief system, there isn’t much compromise there.

When you spend the last few years struggling and losing everything you worked hard for and held onto you learn to really just love what you have today and enjoy this moment.

Yesterday was never better than today and tomorrow will be even greater. Fuck that motto, “There are no guarantees!” We hold the power to be greater than before and that is a guarantee! The moment you let go of the control to be better is the moment you will skip, fall and miss it!

I’ve spent the last few months with all those people I know who remind me its time to thrive ! The haters around just remind us all that we’ve just arrived earlier so all we can do is hope one day they get there too and if not, sucks for them! ๐Ÿ˜‚

In every fight the struggle is different and only quite a few embrace that and learn it enough to appreciate the blessed finish!

I’m on my way and loving each day, at last !

I have always been honestly blunt and as much as I love words and talk without much pause I’m learning too! The things we say can echo on and on for an eternity, and people give me their words and I take them for truth when actually they can often be a bunch of beliefs that only live in their head. So working on speaking only words of encouragement, hope, and always truth and if we can’t be that in each other, chapter ends! Sorry for the terrible things I’ve said in anger to you if I’ve ever hurt you. I am learning when I’m emotional, I need to talk to God first!

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Donโ€™t get blinded by BS

I think it’s really important to get in the habit of beginning each day with a lot of energy and passion to get it done, whatever it is I am doing.

Work hard at Everything in this day and soon the blooms in all I have put time into will color my world in all the colors of my essence.

Continuously building myself improving all the areas that pull me away from the life and love I deserve. Eliminating the draining energy of finding fault in others, that isn’t my journey, but always helping where I can.

And keeping only people around me who are on this climb by my side. Recognizing those who use their lips to deceive reminds me the next moment is a new moment to halt that in my own life. Lies and facades should remind me I am not in the right place. Keep reminding myself I am not like everyone else, just because others are doing themselves, or making something seem easier, I need to remember the truth that sets me apart from everyone else; even if it’s the harder route!

Don’t allow anyone to take away my judgement sprung from only the truth, and keep company with those the same. Thorns will definitely sprout and weeds can become abundant when I allow seeds sprouting other than…what a waste of efforts, if I allow it to be overtaken with ruins!

Never put the guard down, they will be waiting to attack !

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All you had to do was …stay

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The power of a …

I think it’s really interesting I began to write this 3 days ago, and in a matter of days the introduction had to be changed!

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips~ Proverbs 24:26

When I consider that passage I find it so true. A kiss is close, intimate, and full of sincere connection! If someone is searching for an honest answer they are reaching for a better understanding which inevitably leads to a closer realization.

After I read the passage I stopped and didn’t finish my article because I was stuck on “the kiss…” thinking about the magic a kiss holds. Allowing someone to get intimate with me in such a way as sharing a kiss, and knowing at that very moment if the connection is true. The kiss is exchanged and at that moment, words are not needed, it’s confirmed as if closed eyes suddenly opened… will it continue, you have the most honest answer in your heart, you know, you just know!

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Just a thought…

If something is someone’s reality that is a truth that exist in their head while it may not be accurate from others point of view it is setup to create the inevitable…

Sad because we can’t change someone’s reality by simply brainwashing them to believe yours…. And catastrophe ends with the delusional leaving this world just a memory of questions with never an understanding of their reasoning’s. It is difficult for a person that views the world through a much different mindset that would keep them misunderstood due to such contrasting behaviors then the norm… Seems they would be destined to be seen as a misfit, misguided, or an unapologetic ass… Unfair in so many ways especially if they begun life with that much different mind.

One may not understand another, but no matter how disillusioned I may feel the person is, no matter how wronged I may feel by them; I will never cheer or delight in their falls, especially my haters and those who purposely make my life difficult. The moment I allow my heart to rejoice the Lord will turn all wrath away from them; I’d prefer to not know and be at peace in my heart. ~ Proverbs 24:17

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Be strong donโ€™t weaken in times of trouble ~