Happy Birthday Marisa Ann !

Today you are 22 years old and I can’t believe it because it seems like just yesterday we were at Little Angels Daycare, where you cried on the lady’s lap the whole time and I peeked at every hole in the wooden fence, hoping you would stop crying… But you didn’t; and then when it was time for me to pick you up, you would break down as if I had no clue what you had been through… That was short lived, LOL I couldn’t leave you another day. You have definitely been my little perfect Guinea pig… but I was being taught; how to live with loving a a little being so much and realizing I had to always practice teaching you to not hold on so tight when that is all I wanted to do; and you too.

After your siblings were born, I knew better… they were sent as a limited time treasure; but the greatest thing is our love is forever with no limits.

Thank you for being an inspiration to me; to always be better, thank you for being an inspiration to your siblings to care, love, and show so much understanding; even when you, yourself have felt so misunderstood.

It was 2 years I began a spiraling down of holding on and searching; and grabbing onto all the things I shouldn’t but just trying to find some escape. So many tears, so many struggles, you were and are definitely my rock; but more than that you are my inspiration to be a better mother, friend, and woman.

Last year on this very day; I told myself I had to stop being destructive to myself, I told myself I had to nurish who Michele was; and nothing in this whole world made me feel I was worth it; but YOU. I knew I had to get sober of all the toxicity that was so difficult I had tried on the daily and never before was I able to make it past day 4. Then your birthday came; and I told myself NEVER again…. for you; even if I wasn’t enough; you were. Today is 1 year and I am so finally clean.

We have had so many changes going on this past few years and every year I have had you by my side making me proud of you and reminding me that no matter what terrible paths I had taken I was not a failure.

I am so grateful to have you as my sidekick. I know I haven’t always been a conventional mother but you have gotten use to it over the years and have accepted me throughout the years just the way I am; and for that I am forever grateful.

This is a difficult post~

I am full of emotions, the main thing I always found pride in, is being a mother. Mother’s Day is next week and it’s sad that so many of us feel undeserving because of the guilt we try so hard to let go of past mistakes. Some of us may try to be today everything we weren’t yesterday because we are trying to get it right and maybe wiser with more ability to get it right. Everyday we are reminded about our mistakes sometimes it is our own battle, and sometimes people remind us constantly.

I admit all my wrongs, I am not proud, and it makes me very sad about hurting those who meant the most to me during the process, but I’d never blame anyone else even when I could. Putting blame and making people feel sorry for you can be easier to deal with things but ultimately it is about us, our own self.

Love, understanding, acceptance is about respecting the person you love today and that is all. Why would anyone want to make someone they love feel terrible, when they know its all they have ever felt.

I’m thinking about the mother I feel today, and it isn’t easy because when they grow up, the only childhood memories that really stay on the forefront is those terrible times when we as the child, just wanted to fly away. It hurts on my heart and it will continue to hurt knowing my kids had those moments with me being their mother, protector.

The truth is we are mother’s, human beings, flawed, going through life, and trying to figure it out all at once. Some of us have learned to be a mother from our own, and tried to improve those things which hurt us as a child.

We as mothers want that same validation that children want from their parents and some of us won’t ever get it for numerous reasons.

Some of us children have been wanting that validation from a parent so long they as adults give it to the parent who they waited for, while forgetting the one who tried so hard to give them validation on the daily may need it too. We can’t give our children everything no matter how hard we try, we can only be an example. I am an imperfect example, flawed, completely kooky but I’m a mother who loves their child like no other.

I try to find strength, and that fake smile to get on by for my kids picking myself up again and again.

Love your mother for the person they are, not the person they were or you want them to be.

The more we concentrate on what we didn’t get or have only brings us down, leave it and say goodbye to that pain, it doesn’t own us!

I know my grandfather loves attention, he needs the validation often. My grandmother is the glue that binds our family and keeps my grandfather going on his own unique level, she loves and cares for us all. Her love and care is enough !

My grandfather, our family always recognizes him, feel sorry for his ailments and “baby the man” at times, well deserved. We don’t really do that for my grandmother, we see her as strong, happy, well, self sufficient… But just maybe, maybe she needs that validation at times more than my grandfather. I NEED to understand that and honor her for being the perfectly flawed mother, which isn’t always easy.

To my children, all those times I was busy at work, school, working on my degree, trying to save the world in my career, trying to find my way back up after getting lost, fighting my way out of my secret cave I’d put myself in to figure a way out, I am sorry if you felt left behind. Fathers go to work and do their bit and they are seen as doing what they have to, mothers are often not easily forgiven. I would sacrifice my time for you every time, and today!

“Behold, everyone who uses proverbs will use this proverb about you: ‘Like mother, like daughter.’” – Ezekiel 16:44

I watch you and I can’t believe for the first time there’s no where in this world I’d rather be. Life is happening outside and it sux for everyone trying to find and make meaning. And all I see is you, the hardworking man I’ve waited for all damn day, week , month ….

You place those steaks on the pan and I just bite my tongue because I wanna take you down. The way you take me down 😉

You murmur about “where I may wanna be…” when I’m right where I am meant to be… Complete, not needing much else but the desire to share “us”, with the world !!!!

I am completely finished in your arms , there isn’t nothing left to search for ~~~~ I know what I have!

And, while everyone is searching~ I’m feeling done, for the first time in my life!

Thank you for your love, my love~ it is amazing !

Life sends us on journeys that are not planned, journeys we don’t want to endure, and paths that we aren’t ready for… But we must go whether we are ready are not. Why is life so unfair, we are all sinners we all make mistakes but some of us have to pay more than others … Like Jesus, we all have our own cross to bear.

What a lot of us don’t understand is that sometimes it is time for us to leave everything we have known, everything we know that is our comfort because we were put on this earth to be greater than who we have been, and greater than what we are. We have to trust and go… Go to where God is sending us next, no matter how strange and scary it may seem; if we weren’t strong enough, and if we weren’t ready, he wouldn’t send us there.

Sometimes I think we need to pause, pause in this busy ever moving world and remember all those people we miss. All the people that are no longer with us, what did they bring and leave with me? What is it that we want to leave behind in everyones head and ♥?

And remember…

When you have been alone your whole life, you realize you don’t really appreciate anyone doing shit for you…. Cuz they ain’t! You appreciate those people doing things with you, I ain’t anyone’s fuckin martyr, you work with me or your against me not on my team simple as that !

Together or separate !

I didn’t sign up for this sh**!

How many of us are living a life we truly dreamed of, or can actually say have lived the perfect life.

Some are born with the perfect parents, blessed with a beautiful example about what a loving relationship is supposed to encompass. Parents that raise a wonderful family that give us a plethora of sibling love, understanding, support, and loyalty.

Then there are the others, born struggling through insecurities, doubt’s, anger, and fears while trying to figure out what a loving relationship is and isn’t supposed to really be about.

Some of us are graced in this world with all the great material things their heart desires, while others struggle hard to just make it out of hood they were rooted in, while trying hard to keep those they love feeling safe and sound.

Some individuals look ahead and are miraculously placed with the answers, as if God blessed them with a perfected photographic mind, while others have to struggle to know what answer the truth holds and while trying to make it through the climb, hope to understand the answer just a little better.

Some work hard in every way possible to change their uncertainties, and find power in the driver seat expecting a certain destination. Expectation, is where the disillusionment stems, we aren’t put in this earth to drive, it may sound cliche but solace will be found in the truth of allowing Jesus to take the wheel. Letting go and just letting the one true thing, Love.

So many of us are imitating the wrong people, our friends, family, sibling, parents, and on the daily. The only one we should imitate, who is the only all-perfect is God. It isn’t hard you can wear anything, wear your hair natural, buy nothing extraordinary all it takes is love.

Live a life of LOVE!

I am guilty, it is easy to look at all the things in life that we want to change. Jesus life was a perfect example of that, he was on this earth for his purpose, he was our sacrifice to God. Give thanks today for everything that is going right and you will begin to feel a little better every day. Trust where God is taking you even if you are feeling like a spoiled toddler kicking and screaming.

The bible tells us, Ephesians 5:6 Let no one deceive you with empty words~ no one on this earth has the answers only you need, no one can tell you what is right for you, and no one can justify you. The only light you will find is through love and in the Lord.

Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you’re waiting.

Inner Peace has got to be one of the most valuable feelings this world has to offer, especially when you’ve lacked it for quite a while. Valuing those who bring a peace in your life for everyone is different, because we all have different needs and fears.

Inner peace comes with time if your soul is surrounded by those things which you truly need. People who bring you comfort, acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses and make you feel stronger. So many of us are hung up on the material things of this world, and they can give us tremendous peace especially when we have survived deprived of a lot of our basic needs. It’s great when we have an opportunity to experience happiness because our true needs are met. Happiness radiates in our soul and everyone can see it beam.

Integrity is one of the most important attributes because if we are not honest with ourselves and others, then who are we really. We can’t change our course with the new day or with people around the way because then we really aren’t who we are, the world is telling us who to be. Honesty is important because it reminds us who we are and where we will stand even when the world fights hard to make us different. We have to hold on strong to our character and morals and choose to honor our soul and those souls we love and treasure.

Making a choice to think decent isn’t always easy, and sometimes a thrill makes us let our guard down, sometimes its bad character that we learned long ago was acceptable. If it gives an unacceptable feeling to someone you really care about, why would that decision be worth it? I learned from many great others before me, that it shouldn’t feel like a sacrifice, it shouldn’t remain alive if it gives one you love a feeling of disrespect or disregard to their feelings. I know I have allowed disrespect to myself, and for what; so I could face it and believe that I would conquer the feeling when in actuality it not only gave me a greater feeling of disrespect but it made me associate disrespect from a relationship that didn’t have it before…

Never sacrifice your heart and soul for the favor of another.

When I decide if I will do something different or even the same, I have to weigh in how fair it really is to the persons involved, because no matter how habitual it maybe in my life, it may no longer hold the same life with new souls around me and if I try to make it true, that is pure selfishness on my part in something I refuse to let go.

When we put those we love feelings in perspective along comes a great trust that resonates from the soul connection that no one can quite understand but everyone can see and feel. If only others would put those they love up where they put their own selfish needs, there would be a lot more trust amongst us, less division, and true love.

2019 – Resolution, think about yours!

2016 I vowed to work on being more “Humble” that was my resolution. I always pray and as I spoke to God with so much determination, I realized he really gives us exactly what we need. I spent the year losing a great job trying to care for my loved one with a disability. We literally lost everything, everything we had worked for and every material item I had clung to since childhood.

2017 I wanted to just feel content, after being homeless and trying to find a new normal, I basically realized I couldn’t just be the glue, I couldn’t just be content while holding on so tight to all things that I needed to let go.

2018 I began to breaking binding chains mid year I just prayed for the strength to let go, and I did. As I released the chains I let go and like a caged bird I found myself flying out of control but experiencing the most wonderful beautiful feeling ever. People saw a change and for some they didn’t like it…

because for the first time in decades I finally began doing me!

Previously, running to protect, and save everyone but me;

the end of 2018 had me flying soaring toward my happiness and trusting God as the only true protector of those I love along the way.

Remembering the true basics that were always a huge part of Michele Renee, positivity! Every situation can be turned into a positive, every person is in my life for a reason, and every toxic being needed to go…

2019 it is almost here, 5 days…

It is all about my spirit, good choices for me, and expelling all my greatness out in the world. 2019 I will be sure to feel my happiness everyday, not the happiness tomorrow will bring, the happiness I hold in my heart today for all I am and have. I will love myself and all those close to me harder than ever. I am full of love and love is all I really am certain of. I will love without holding back and without fear, I will love because I am love. I will find peace even when it’s chaotic, I will search for the peace because I deserve it and so do those I love. I will remain confident , because all in all I am the one that holds all the power!

Which way should I go~

Where is the road to happy town? Why do I feel so sad and see everyone so sad and struggling?

Life isn’t easy & it kicks us in the backside day in and day out, and yes it isn’t fair… And yes I should stop whining.

We will either make someone’s day or piss them off… And all we can do is follow our true self or we will always be miserable caring.

There are so many things in life we believe is the key to our happiness… We make it a point in our minds to truly believe that once “something” is obtained we will then be the recipient of the happy-self.

We achieve what we believe is the “key” and realize it wasn’t necessarily so, we then focus on the new idea that is freshly implanted in our mind.

In some people’s minds “we” seem to have it all, but we realize we still don’t have what we want.

True success is getting more but feeling happy and content with what you already have.

I know it’s hard to accept that the truth is if you aren’t happy with what you already have, the truth is nothing out in the world is going to be the secret key to your happiness.

Changing the way you feel, think will no doubt change the way you act… And you would be amazed at what follows.

People quickly hop out of relationships and tend to point the blame on the other… The truth is if you if you are holding blame, depression, anxiety, judgment, resentment, guilt, perfectionism, procrastination that needs to be worked on first.

If you find yourself holding on to regret about what you “lost,” then you are still searching for the same “lost” answers in places that don’t have them.

Surrounding oneself with people who truly love and support us is the icing, sometimes others can support us but it’s still our own personal journey.

Life is full of downs the important lesson learned should always changing it into a positive no matter how detrimental it may seem to be.

The ultimate key we can find is the one that allows us to discover our true self and find our inner peace.

When ever my kids comment It makes me think, because their opinions and insight matter.

This was a post I put up on Facebook talking minor smack about our Cowboys, finally getting a win.

But my daughter’s response, who I considers knows me best caught me off guard….

You don’t even like football

I spent 3 years of my life at every single practice and game in high school with my heart on the field. I passion and concern was for every single player on that field giving their heart and soul and amazing us with tons of wins ♡ best days ever…

I thought to myself, does she even know me ! Lol I grew up in my grandma’s house on the Northwest side of San Antonio when Danny White was our quarterback. I was a little girl but without fail every weekend was getting ready for football… Sunday’s were the best ever because everyone was yelling, high energy on full throttle, lots of laughter, beer, and food. My dad would get so passionate and yell turn off the TV… last quarter with hope left 😂 ! My greatest childhood memories are Sundays enjoying football with my family. We would make pots and for some reason I always won big every Super bowl…

My family would actually make props for yelling defense, even if it was only in our living room together with no social media involved.

And after a win, the pic was pure memory to always hold on to the love… of family, cowboys, and fun…

My daughters last few years was a breaking up of our family… and I’m so sorry she doesn’t even know what to feels like to have that in her home.

It really made me realize how we change for others, how we allow others to change us, and stop doing all those things that are important to us and that we love, and just fall into a trap of repetition and doing what works or doing what has to be done to not create any waves…

How years can pass and we can even begin to let go of doing all those things that make you feel great, alive, and just true to your soul.

To my kids I am so sorry I let go of Michele for so long in so many ways that kept me busy, and us searching. I know who I am I am proud and I’m proud of you all. Everyday is an opportunity to smell the Rose’s, and nothing less.

So I spent 2016-2017 fighting on the daily…with obstacle after obstacle, upset after upset, betrayal, abandonment, and creative chaos.

Everything about my life had been exciting, it was always about me being flung over the highest height which always left me breathless dangling from an even weaker and weaker bungee cord.

After a while “he” my sidekick at that time would come rescue me finally when things finally began to settle and like a sick game as I reached the top and felt higher he would then dance me off the safe net once again and laugh as he dangled in my mind all my fears.

The hardest part was realizing how two souls, who were completely in love with each other and got along so well could completely fall apart due to circumstances beyond their control. Time would prove I would be all I promised time would show you I was strong enough to hold on to us so nothing could separate us, at least while it felt worth it, and even long after it didn’t because life has built me with that kind of hope.

Once the spiraling began to unravel circumstances took over and drove our individual souls to a complete direction in this new life which would now be our own.

Chapter closed, no regrets!

I think it’s really interesting I began to write this 3 days ago, and in a matter of days the introduction had to be changed!

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips~ Proverbs 24:26

When I consider that passage I find it so true. A kiss is close, intimate, and full of sincere connection! If someone is searching for an honest answer they are reaching for a better understanding which inevitably leads to a closer realization.

After I read the passage I stopped and didn’t finish my article because I was stuck on “the kiss…” thinking about the magic a kiss holds. Allowing someone to get intimate with me in such a way as sharing a kiss, and knowing at that very moment if the connection is true. The kiss is exchanged and at that moment, words are not needed, it’s confirmed as if closed eyes suddenly opened… will it continue, you have the most honest answer in your heart, you know, you just know!

If something is someone’s reality that is a truth that exist in their head while it may not be accurate from others point of view it is setup to create the inevitable…

Sad because we can’t change someone’s reality by simply brainwashing them to believe yours…. And catastrophe ends with the delusional leaving this world just a memory of questions with never an understanding of their reasoning’s. It is difficult for a person that views the world through a much different mindset that would keep them misunderstood due to such contrasting behaviors then the norm… Seems they would be destined to be seen as a misfit, misguided, or an unapologetic ass… Unfair in so many ways especially if they begun life with that much different mind.

One may not understand another, but no matter how disillusioned I may feel the person is, no matter how wronged I may feel by them; I will never cheer or delight in their falls, especially my haters and those who purposely make my life difficult. The moment I allow my heart to rejoice the Lord will turn all wrath away from them; I’d prefer to not know and be at peace in my heart. ~ Proverbs 24:17