When someone comes around and you are full of fear, it is easy to believe everything they say as the truth, because in reality, you are just looking for the truth, a truth.
What is important to know is that people come in, leave our lives numerous times; but what is the actual truth is no one comes to bring us the truth; they can be there to help find it, they can come to help us grow and realize all the stuff we needed to a long time ago, and they can come and help us with the direction, the change that we want to take is up to everyone willing to stay and learn. The other part is every path we take is a port to transform into who we need to transform into, and who we are meant to transform into.
The whole path seems to be a neverending hunt to the next level, but you have to be aware, you have to be aware of what needs to stay and what needs to leave. Leave all the anger and all the hurt, just leave it! ONCE and for all!!!! When will we be awake, what will finally make us wake up, for the change?
Sometimes we are in place where it seems like it is there the absolute end, there is just no other place to go from where we have been brought to in this life, then all of a sudden all the noise finally gets quiet; and we don’t hear the noise anymore; and we realize it is definitely not the end, it is just the beginning.
There are sudden moments of bliss in our life, and everything seems to disappear, all our worries because something huge and great took our mind off of everything; but then the newness settles and you realize underneath all the greatness, the darkness still exists. It is so easy to get captivated for a while; and it seems all the sadness is gone. The sadness sometimes is gone for a long while; but then it comes out in moments you least expect it, and then you wonder is the awfulness ever really gone?
Everything has to be faced, whether we like it or not, and if we don’t face it, it will reinvent inself in a zillion ways, to finally be faced.
How wonderful is it to know we can take all our aggression and turn it into the greatest fight of our life, to turn everything life give us and renogotiate it into a positive.
How can we change anything into something else doing the same damn thing, that is impossible!
We can have a whole life of sadness and let downs beginning with our first breath, and realize that in this life… loss is inevitable. What do we do, hold on harder; or just learn to let go of everything because holding on is pretty painful especially when it is meant to go… Do we actually kill things before they are dead? Is it safer to hold onto nothing; because in reality mutual involvment is what it all comes down to; and we have no control over anyone other than our own self.
Hope is a beautiful thing, it comes in riding strong like a soldier ready to save, riding strong on it’s strong horse; with the illusion of crowning us because it is all we really wanted all along; that loving validation.
I think the greatest part of dying is being reborn again, feeling alive, and knowing you are still not just in the fight; but standing up stronger than ever because that last bout didn’t take you, even though you thought it did.
Time to get up, time for the sunrise; and the new sunset.
Inquiring minds always want to know and Michele Renee well, that is me! I’ve spent my life sharing honesty, 💯, real , raw, yup; an open book. Sharing everything I understand and all I completely try to and will without a doubt get to!
The last few months has taken me on a journey unlike any other, searching and trying to hold on to the sweet memories of the past; but also learning to let go and accept the fact, the past is the past!
It’s always easy to remember the memories with golden sprinkles of excellence but the truth is the existence lives in my brain the way I decide to keep it, and the truth is, it’s gone!
The last few decades I begged God, send me love and in so many strange ways he did. Finding love in so many ways made me realize it wasn’t found on the outside, but within.
A few months ago I was hurt really bad in love and I didn’t want God to ever send me love again I just wanted to love, understand love and learn it on a whole new level…ask and you shall receive! When you give love though it definitely comes back twofold!
A better me begins each day and along the way God sends me new people to love and appreciate, it doesn’t mean any of the others are less worthy it’s just I follow my heart and trust and it’s always the way it should be. As most people will say I hold high energy, loving each day with a thrive, my peeps are always the ones with that high energy climb…. mistakes are being made but together we are learning and making adjustments because we matter individually, paired, and in unison.
Living with haters who wanna watch a fall , lol makes us laugh harder and appreciate the struggle in all ….
There are a lot of fake people who act like they love us and have our back but the truth shows, love doesn’t have conditions. I know we get mad when life doesn’t work as we planned but it isn’t our plan it’s God’s plan! It’s not about reading a few bible verses and believing it and stopping there! Let’s think about living the word on the daily even when it’s not in our selected favor, the one we believe should be happening when we want it to.
I’m sorry if I hurt you, our understanding maybe done but I never meant to hurt you. If you look at me and it creates a negative emotion within that’s not what it was ever suppose to be about. I don’t understand why life happens the way it does but this year more than ever I pray for peace and understanding and if someone is stuck in their own belief system, there isn’t much compromise there.
When you spend the last few years struggling and losing everything you worked hard for and held onto you learn to really just love what you have today and enjoy this moment.
Yesterday was never better than today and tomorrow will be even greater. Fuck that motto, “There are no guarantees!” We hold the power to be greater than before and that is a guarantee! The moment you let go of the control to be better is the moment you will skip, fall and miss it!
I’ve spent the last few months with all those people I know who remind me its time to thrive ! The haters around just remind us all that we’ve just arrived earlier so all we can do is hope one day they get there too and if not, sucks for them! 😂
In every fight the struggle is different and only quite a few embrace that and learn it enough to appreciate the blessed finish!
I’m on my way and loving each day, at last !
I have always been honestly blunt and as much as I love words and talk without much pause I’m learning too! The things we say can echo on and on for an eternity, and people give me their words and I take them for truth when actually they can often be a bunch of beliefs that only live in their head. So working on speaking only words of encouragement, hope, and always truth and if we can’t be that in each other, chapter ends! Sorry for the terrible things I’ve said in anger to you if I’ve ever hurt you. I am learning when I’m emotional, I need to talk to God first!
I am angry at life for taking me on an unexpected journey. I am frustrated with friends who love me with conditions, angry when I don’t do what they say, unforgiving people who have flaws of their own. I am sad when loved ones demand and expect me to give when I’m trying so hard to just make it to the next day. When I give myself to one which I rarely do and they can delete a part of me from a certain side of their life for whatever reason they feel necessary, and act as if they are unaware. I’m hurt by times I’ve giving my love away and made myself believe it was reciprocated, and not just during convenience of desire.
I believe I haven’t quite received the level of love that keeps me secure because I have a little more to learn to reach that level. It’s amazing to realize every single one of us has the same instructions on finding true and secure love, 1 Corinthians 13 tells us the way.
We can’t just preach and sing of the word if we don’t really learn how to truly love one another. We must learn that we are not greater than any other, we all have different gifts, we all contribute in our own individual ways. Many of us have the opportunity to shine bright in the day sky for the world to see, while others shine just as bright in the night sky while most are asleep.
The truth is no matter what we have done or do, when we leave nothing if it isn’t done from love. If we spend our time with others but feel no love, we can walk away and truly say it was nothing.
Love is patient it doesn’t rush another it doesn’t keep score. If you are tally the occurrence or keeping tabs on the gifts given or received is there patience? Patience is not having an immediate answer or resolution, even if we expect a certain outcome. Patience is having a strong mind keeping high energy while staying devoted. Crisis definitely tests are patience and shows who will die at the post!
Love is kind, it is what Gods grace is all about. Kindness is being unselfish and having sympathy for another. It’s being tender toward those who show the need, and being a friend. Kindness is tolerating others especially when they are intolerable, but considering what they are going through in this world and being generous and caring for their best interest.
Love doesn’t envy another. Love doesn’t hold grudges, it learns to forgive with understanding. Love is letting go of self importance, it is not self seeking. Love is knowing that God is greater than I .
Rudeness is causing violence and creating disorder, love is not rude. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs!
I feel so mentally drained tonight! I feel like I am having my own mania parade. It’s been days since I’ve slept peacefully; and I just feel so sad, I’m trying so hard to believe everything is great and will work out; but its so stressful and i feel myself unraveling.
When I got home, my Miley told me I look pale; I know my blood pressure is off the charts… and I know Gus will be home soon but I can’t sike myself out anymore… it’s too hard ! I had a great today; woke up dancing
and cheering and then my kids leave for the weekend with their dad and as I turn from smiling and waving bye; I enter my empty home and here come the tears!! I haven’t had a knot in my throat for a long time like this.
I’m trying hard God to smile; remain happy, and at peace; I need you Jesus! I had a long day of reminder after reminder of focusing on positivity, reminding myself in a blink Gus will be home; try to have fun with connect with those you love, rest, get all your work done; just stay busy.
Then I get angry… I find myself beginning to allow myself to feel sorry for myself something I don’t do very often…
Why am I always left alone to figure things out; to clean up the mess and organize solutions; this lock up is the first but it happens all the time just usually at the hospital.
I am angry I always have to deal with the pressure alone. Then all day, his mom, my grandma, are pulling me; mentally i am falling apart at this very moment. I have plans with Veronica, my grandma, his mom all in just a matter of hours; I just want to run … run away !
Alone, afraid, i can’t take another moment! !! Angry at his choices angry i have to worry and be stressed with sickness i feel weak O feel sick and I feel like shit !!!!
I am not still, I am being manipulated in every direction by so many people no one knows how i just want to break and have no energy to even finish writing
and deep down all I know is it is time; time for the end~~~~
Each one of us either has some form of mental illness, or love and care for someone who does. Here is an index of mental disorders, linking to definition, symptoms, treatment, and prognosis. BECOME AWARE! If you are ignorant or remain clueless that is your choice, but you have as much responsibility as any of us, to begin to understand a problem that only we as a whole can fix. I am not saying mental disorder is the problem, it is the people who ignore, deny, or fear their existence that allow an even bigger problem to develop.
When I first saw news briefings of what happened in Florida I was angered, I changed the channel; it was Valentines day I didn’t want to think about any world issues, or anything depressing. I am lucky, I was able to “turn it off” for a day; many did not have that option. The next day, I decided I didn’t want to see any news, opinions, the way the news seems to sensationalize tragedy, it makes me sick. Instead I wanted to know, who the shooter was. So, I looked at the name of the shooter and researched only about him.
His name was Nikolas Cruz and every article I ignored tended to display, the signs were there, he was angry, he displayed signs of aggression on social networks.
During the 90’s when I was his age, I was involved and lived with a strong presence of gang violence. I lived under the same roof along with kids whose main motives were to party, defend honor, and retaliate for wrongdoings; so lets just say I have had my ears full of listening to shit talkers. Everyday people say all kinds of things they don’t mean, “If you leave me, I will kill myself” “I would beat the shit out of my child if they tried that” “I am going to kill you b” just listen to music; we sing along we feel the feeling; it doesn’t mean we are actually going to go out and do it.
What I was interested in was the bits and pieces of Cruz, that would pin point what was going on his head.
I honestly didn’t feel completely drawn to do a psychological evaluation on this kid; but I was interested and I found out his adoptive mother died in October 2017, six years before that his adoptive father died. Both him and his brother Zachary were adopted by this couple; after his parents died family took Cruz in, he didn’t like it and started to stay with a friends family a few months ago. The family didn’t notice any unusual behavior and if they saw anything they contributed it to his grieving over his mother’s death. The family stated he seemed to be having a hard time with her death. The family also said he did have guns, they were locked up, and only head of household and Cruz himself had access to the key.
Students at the high school said he was abusive to his ex-girlfriend, fought with her current boyfriend, and got expelled. Teachers were informed he was not allowed on campus anymore “with a backpack.” Students did say he spoke of hurting animals. This is a huge red flag; almost every serial killer in history began with hurting animals, which graduates to killing animals; and thus humans. I am not talking about hunting, kill for sport and for eating; I am talking about killing kittens, family pets; and having no empathy; but a strange satisfaction. In his old neighborhood it was said, he would take his dog to a neighbor’s home who apparently raised pigs and entice it to eat their pigs.
There is something about people with social awkwardness that just makes people feel uncomfortable around them; people don’t want to be around them; and I think that is the beginning of them becoming loners; and disliking people.
I was feeling emotional as I am sure everyone else was. I continued on my day, trying to stay positive, until my son would come home. My son is in middle school, I wanted to talk to him about it; and ask about if he had heard; if not I wanted it to be from me; not some kid or media coverage.
My oldest who is 20 years old came home; I could see in her face she was upset; she asked me to watch this video. I told her, if it’s about the shooting I don’t want to see it; I don’t feel like being sad or upset. She told me, “Mom, it’s so terrible!” I needed to see what she had seen!
As we watched together, I could feel the torment inside my spirit. I recognized the heavy pants between the cries that live in your breath when fear makes you forget how to breath. The voices were real; not rehearsed, the cries were deep from the soul where you find a connection of sorts you have never felt before.
I begin to feel the fear too; and I recognized that fear I hold inside that brings back a far away memory, that changed me mentally and forever. These children have a new memory that will stay in their being for a long time; possibly forever.
I began to remember my day, back when I was their age, 18 years old…
I think this video stayed with me in a very emotional way the rest of the night as I replayed it over and over in my head. Specifically remembering the moment, right after I was raped and beaten; I knew to survive I needed to run. I thought about the video, and how the students were told by the officers to run, hurry, run, to get to safety. I remembered that feeling when you know what you have to do; but you feel so disconnected from your body you wonder if its possible. Like a bad dream of needing to defend yourself, and you punch the assailant over and over but your punches do nothing. You are seriously like a deer in headlights, but frozen. But, then something in you makes it happen, you know you have no choice and it feels like its taking every effort for you to push, but you move; and you feel like you’re trying with all your might but your moving so slow. Then you live with the terror of knowing you aren’t always in control, and your mind begins to play tricks on you, and you wonder if he is right behind me, ready to be grabbed once again.
It is a torment one can never forget, and will live for the rest of life. It does get better, I don’t live with it everyday; until something takes me there. I watched as the students shuffled off in a single file line, holding their hands up to show they were not armed. The long trek to that moment of safety, so full of fear, and made to show they were not the perpetrator; when all they probably wanted to do was hold onto each other. Took me back to that moment I ran away from my perpetrator. I saw a woman, I cried help I was raped; she could see I was beaten severely and the look on her face showed empathy, a deep concern but quickly turned to fear, and “I can’t please don’t ask me…” then I noticed she had a newborn in her arms; and I said, “I understand, and ran off and began to open every door I could, at an apartment complex I had never been to. Locked, Locked, as my terror increased, one door wasn’t locked; it was a family eating dinner at the table… IMAGINE that…I busted in; and the family began to help me and the woman with the baby already had called the cops.
When you go through something so mentally moving it changes a lot of things in your life. I am not scared of much these days, but I will tell you it took me 2 years to not be scared to walk out of my own home just to get my mail.
My mind quickly let go and I started to wonder about the family of those who were shot.
The horrible feelings a person goes through when they tragically lose someone they completely love; after the disbelief sets in. The moment of reality that your child/loved one is gone forever, and in such a heinous way; how in the hell can you find peace in that!
Remembering that July night when he kissed me on my lips, told me he loved me so much, walked away and then boom; he was gone; just like that… as me and my friends cried together, we shared the weirdest confusion of what was actually happening; I prayed over his body, begged him to stay; until EMS took him away, forever! I remember going to his house to tell his parents when his sister came out screaming when she saw me, I hadn’t realized I was drenched in his blood… It took me a long time to forgive myself for that one.
In all the different ways I am affected, it always takes me back to the why’s….
I have a lot of blogs, articles, stories about mental illness , here are just a few, read some if you are interested; they are my personal journey on a few paths mental illness/s have taken me…
After something happens many wonder how am I or how are we going to deal from here? How can one move on?
WE learn to move on as we move on! I am still learning today, and will learn more tomorrow because I choose to! I will tell you something valuable I have learned, healing begins with hope, hope works and heals with love, and love is found in peace.
Concentrate on why I am still here, even though a big part of me is gone or changed; I am here for a reason; and the reason may not be revealed to me, but I have unique gifts; we all do; that God has given us. My gift is to Create~ allow my imagination and unique talents take me down a positive avenue to therapeutically heal. I love music, taking pics, editing pics, making videos, those things make me happy! I need to do what makes me happy for myself; and no one else. It’s a heartfelt treat when I realize I am helping others while doing what I love though…. that cannot be denied!
I always questioned Gus when we first met if he really was all he said to be, I made this video in regards to my love and fear…
I have had too many experiences with people I allowed into my/our life and they attempted to mess with us in their own selfish way. I have met many people who are all talk and their talk definitely doesn’t match their walk. Does yours? think about that as a theme for this blog.
I was recently in a situation that has had me reevaluating the role I play in my relationships
or lack thereof that I share with those I love, care for, and miss.
The truth is, we are all learning, surviving and trying what we consider “our best” by just taking it a day at a time with days often flying by while we continuously find our self in the same situation we were in before. A vicious circle of a never-ending merry go rideand even when we are sick and exhausted we just continue to stay on the same ride. I know I don’t want to make the same mistakes repeatedly so the only way to change the situation is get off the damn ride and find another way!
It’s not always obvious we are heading down the same road but when we are aware and see familiar signs we need to pay attention. I am talking about all relationships I hold dear, those with friends, parents, family, my lover, anyone who plays a part in my life. I may not always make the time to spend with all the people I love, and I always regret it; but I care for you nonetheless; if I don’t see you often we need to work on that, but it doesn’t mean you have any less meaning to me than someone I get the chance to see more often a lot of time that is completely situational based. I hold people in my life dear to me, those in my heart I would do anything for and you are important to me, I hurt when you hurt, and when you hurt me, it goes deep and while I may always forgive you because I value understanding and grace, it doesn’t mean I won’t set you free to be true to me.
I’d consider one of my biggest weaknesses is that I allow myself to get so emotional over people who really aren’t worth it.
I wasted so much of my time investing my love and energy into people who just are not good for me, they don’t want the same things I want and bring around all those things I don’t want or need in my life. I have lost many people who I truly love and who truly love me, the ones who know who I am and what I am about and really appreciate me for the person I am. I have disconnected because at some point I was or still am consumed with unresolved hurt and pain, maybe on both sides.
Who are you really angry at? I know I have unintentionally transferred my emotions to all the people around me at the time and sometimes it hurts realizing it. My loved ones have done the same to me, transferred their hurt or anger to me, I am the easier target, you can be angry at me safely because you think I will always allow it.
The truth hurts and that is that we can’t go around hurting people who don’t deserve it and expect our relationship to be okay. Are you are willing to work with me so we can continue to learn and grow and excel in this world in our life and lift each other to great heights? I won’t allow stagnant water
it begins to stink after a while, its easier sometimes to say bye our journey has ended, and just like that, we are strangers again~
the realization is sometimes sad and painful but not every person is willing to go where you want and/or need to be.
I know for me the last thing I need is to do anything that will cause more problems for me or those I love around me, life is difficult all on its own. Many times, the comfort of the familiar has us to believe it is the safest bet, so we choose to keep a situation we have become accustomed to which creates more problems down the road rather and not even to think about all our precious time we spent with the wrong people; learning painful lessons; it is no doubt setting out to face the scary unknown is terrifying.
We don’t want to acknowledge the emotion or where/when it’s manifestations were weaved into our reality, and even worse when it became an acceptable existence. I find it completely disrespectful and completely weak when people whine and blame everything on everyone else… We vent to our friends that is healthy realization, I am talking about the people who whine about the same situations they put their own self in over again and again, wanting you to feel sorry for them, when it’s their choice! I don’t feel sorry for you I am losing all respect for you, and no I don’t even want to understand you or your motives.
I know I make mistakes and will again so I need to really check myself on times I may have intentionally chosen to do wrong, which choices will I work on immediately and which I will accept as a flawed non-perfect human who strives to do what is right but will be forgiving to myself. Realizing when I have intentionally been hurt, and really understanding if the person finds error in their way, if they are really sorry, and if they are trying to change the situation; doing everything in their power to make sure they won’t ever hurt me in that same way ever again… This is a complete other blog 😉
How about the times I have been hurt or hurt someone I love unintentionally,
it happens and that is when you know someone is worth understanding even when it hurts,
and that is when you realize you may not be worth understanding to others and if they don’t see your worth, they need to leave your world.
Making excuses instead of facing the truth is a natural defense mechanism that we learn early in our childhood. If I didn’t or hadn’t ever faced the realization that defending what is not true will never work in my favor in the growth of my soul I would probably choose to lie and con my way about in my world.
A bullshitter gets away with a prize sometimes a huge temporary satisfying LIE.
The older I get, the more transparent people get, I continue to work hard to understand my own self, and others better, and even with forever changing situations everything is general. For those of us who really pay attention, we begin to realize it is simple and basic just got to go back to the beginning but with all the acquired wisdom.
Admitting our own specific fears that block our growth and excellence is essential to hitting it. Fears in my head began at a point in time, and knowing I can kick their existence outta my mind is powerful. During specific times, I have found myself having feelings of negativity, a negative sentiment, not completely understanding but realizing I have an intuition that always has spoken the truth to me, I have felt it at specific times or when I go to certain places or around certain people. I can’t just choose to be aware I must also trust myself and act.
I learned long ago the things I ignore are those things that won’t take me to the peace my world needs, if someone fucks with me I realize I don’t need them.
If I allow them to keep fucking with me it is my choice to be fucked with~
I am allowing the existence into my reality.
I choose my reality, I will explore, ideas will form~ brand new ideas not from previously accepted situations, but from the reality I am committed to make as the life I want and deserve. Each belief an individual holds that is formed over time makes us realize how different and complex we as individuals are, our own reality feels very different from other even during similar situations. I know that in our community we see the horrible things that fear leads people to do, it will always keep us separate. It may seem safer to just bunker down and hide in your own haven because your tired of getting screwed by people you helped or tried to, it may make you seem better for the moment (we have learned sometimes feeling better for the moment is better than never feeling better at all) but then we find ourselves later feeling even worst after living with the consequences that have now become a part in the creation of our new reality.
Understanding that we have control on our world sounds easy but it isn’t especially with our previously set beliefs, changing our own minds is difficult yet we think we can easily change another’s … when that isn’t even our place…
I am confident in leading and following, I am ready to always learn and try to understand, but I will not allow a conniving existence in my arena just to understand it better. If someone wants to understand me they will follow along by my side and if they don’t want it I can’t lead another to an understanding of they don’t want to accept it. I am not talking about always agreeing it’s ok to try and understand, sometimes compromise, but never compromise your values. If we don’t trust each other why would you want to walk by my side? I know if someone can’t lead me or allow me to lead them; that relationship seems it could be a waste of time…
Some people think it is their right to demand respect and don’t like that they should prove their worth to others, especially when they don’t feel very worthy themselves. Everything is taken out of context and they see another has attacked and belittled them when it only exists in their head. If someone disrespects me I feel thankful they lead me to an understanding they showed me who and what they are, and if it’s early in the relationship it’s kind of them to show me their colors so early on and much easier to understand exactly what I don’t need or want in my life…The only place these types have ever lead me to was Regret! Go back to elementary you know what like and dislike feels like.
I honestly respect everyone ~until they lose my respect.
I know I always need to take care of my own self first or I will be no good to others, especially those who are my world. When I reached the level in my consciousness to understand that I have the power and only I…to change my own world, it really opened my mind in a new way, I become aware of what I am willing to take ownership of and what I need to work on to let go of. If someone hurts me it is my choice to allow them to do it again and again… so who’s really hurting me? Each person’s priority is different, each person holds different standards and beliefs and some people will never admit their own faults but continue to blame everyone else or their own specific scapegoat who became their target at some point.
I have a strong desire to comprehend where and when my specific emotions came to be. I try to practice understanding and reassigning the emotions allowing them to have a new meaning that I can use to build myself and those I care for up.
Gus, (my partner on this mission) hates when I say, “feelings are never wrong!”, 😂 we shall continue to “argue” in our playful way until one of comes to a newer updated understanding…
I am going to win this Gus 😉 our feelings come from our NEEDS…like little minions we put them on the shelf labeled with our own meanings; when our needs are met we categorize that met need to a feeling, when our needs are NOT met that is categorized to a different feeling.
[Insert a disagreement you remember…A specific time something happened/didn’t happen as planned] considering we all have different motives and agendas and expectations if we don’t continuously understand what we need how are we going to effectively communicate them to another. If your need isn’t met we assigned the feeling. We can always change the categorization with new information or realizations but only if our feelings change…So the past and new feeling are both real and correct but with communication and insight the feeling has been categorized into a different place.
I don’t have a problem telling people what I expect and need and they should always be honest with me, sometimes it takes time, and that is understandable but be upfront if you really care and if you don’t care, you are NOT on my side and need to get to step-in…
I pray because everyday I sin. When I confess my sins the grace is overwhelming, I feel nothing but love. Wow, that is a powerful feeling, nothing compares. When I pray God gives me the ability to control my mind, my thoughts, my mood; fear is gone and lies no longer have control. In prayer we have the ability to cleanse our own soul, it’s a magnificent feeling. It drives me to want to give to others in anyway I can to help them with their struggles. Faith is strengthened, I am strong I know he is with my guiding me and lighting the way. I know I can continue to hope for all things that are good and be sure they will come for he continues to give me real life examples of goodness and miracles each and every day.
I have taken artificial means to give me a boost, to energize me but nothing on this earth is effective once you realize the energy the Holy Spirit gives the spirit.
I feel fearful today, fueled with fears both past and present when I pray I feel my soul growing a tenderness I want to grasp forever. All the lies are apparent they no longer trick, I recognize the purity in others and am drawn to their light. My thirst for unhealthy addictions are gone and my sadness is gone to another place.
I feel like a hypocrite when I spend so much time encouraging others, lifting and amplifying positive energy when at times I allow myself to drown and be weighed down by my own fears and doubt.
John 20:24 Thomas was not with the 12 disciples when Jesus came. The other disciples told him they had seen the Lord, and he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” A week later, Jesus came through the locked door, and said… “Peace be with you!” then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Thomas said, “My Lord, My God.” Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen me and yet have believed.”
I have survived tragedy, again and again and ~
I have been so tired from just crying and getting back up from the very bottom time and time again.
I have endured pain and yelled at everyone around me.
and leaving and ignoring those I love so they wouldn’t get hurt. I just move on with or without ~~~
I have struggled with sadness and shut everyone and everything out~
and I have been OK; I keep trekking~
In fact that is a bit of an understatement I have consistently, triumphantly risen to a higher plane than each time before;
Yet, I still am afraid and allow anxiety to feel my spirit. I never want to pretend! Once you have been at the bottom one would think you can longer fear because you know it; and you lived on… and everything is just a step higher than that plane; even when you still have a ways to go with plenty of setbacks.
I think though, once you have been at a place many would consider lowest of the low,
here I am 2 years at the bottom! The day I had to lift myself to even do laundry; I knew at this moment I had enough; that is why I shot this selfie; this was going to be my reminder.
I think the more you have been through, the more you fear because you know it is real; life isn’t fair, and anything and everything is absolutely possible; but more than anything you fear of ever going back there. You understand that all things that are awful are possible; we get hurt and those we love get hurt in the worst ways possible; and so many things are out of our hands.
We fear being alone or feeling alone forever where we don’t have that connection with another soul who understands things on our level. Many people don’t care like we may, some people don’t understand and they just can’t and that often divides; sometimes that division is what makes a person stay on either side.
Our spirits were like a breeze of wind together flying a little higher than substance it was free, amazingly connected and then like a pause the flight was stopped, the dance was over;
More than anything you wanted them to cross the bridge with you where the dance could begin once again because you needed it, so bad; but they just stayed across on the other side, waving and cheering you on from way over there.
I was born from teen parents who loved me even though I wasn’t planned; I know that feeling stuck is an awful feeling. Stuck with no options, stuck with fear, stuck with anticipation~ which is usually the worst scenario we can fathom.
I kept going through all the fright I had in me, I kept fighting to survive; and even when I wanted to just die… I didn’t. I don’t give up; I keep marching with Jesus by my side; even when I don’t see him I will always believe… and when I look back at what I have been through, I do see him.
I have walked away from all I know to find better even while feeling I had nothing left to lose; I wanted so bad to hang on tight to the only thing I knew for sure I had left… and each step in an unknown direction is like an additional scary moment of realization that it’s possible to lose the only thing left you know; you can lose it all it seems. Sometimes we need help from the highest source possible; there is only ONE who can lift you up… God!
After a while you begin to forget, you begin to forget the pain, you begin to forget the strong desire to all those things you were addicted to, you stop missing the things you left behind;
and you begin things differently; because you feel different; you are different. You miss the people you left behind, often times you revert a little, you feel worthless again, and sometimes a little empty but you continue to let it go… and then you start over again, and again and tomorrow again… You begin to dream and you are no longer tired of being tired; because you are ready to live.
Sometimes the most significant messages are brought by messengers during moments where no speech is exchanged, it isn’t necessary; sometimes we want a message but it isn’t quite the time; but there are times when we know; we just know it is; it is the time!
Sometimes, A little humor in life, and a lot of God is what helps to get through life, find out what works for you and do it!
In just the past few days…
We had an extremely emotional issue in our family. One of those earthshaking, we will get through this, we are strong, we are united moments…
As many of us do during times like these, we overlook a few things as we try to figure shit out. Our new puppy Bino had his way in our home (woohoo they didn’t put me in that damn crate) shitting around the house a few hours while we were occupied, then a moment of realizing we have allowed the car battery to die…. it’s what happens to us in life. Hard moments get even more difficult when it really isn’t what you need.
I know better than to go walk on/in anyones yard, especially at night… it seems more and more people are either sick of thieves, punks messing with their property, and just waiting for one to cross the line, some are looking for that one opportune moment~ a valid reason to shoot someone, and I am sure the media’s drive to put fear into our minds and those of everyone in our community plays a huge role. “Everyone lock your doors!”
Get them, before they get you!
78213, home of the Lee rebels, Colonial Hills Elementary, Dellview Elementary, West Avenue Elementary, Jackson Middle School, Nimitz Middle School… it was my hood since 1980. Back when Academy was Target and we would skate that whole area. When Sprouts use to be Pen Foods and I walked home from Dellview street crossing that Cherry Ridge Bridge… my friends all in back of “the castle…Malibu.
Lively, Storeywood, Briargate, Shadowbend, Moss Rock, Trudell, Pilgrim, Wayside, Arroyo Vista, ya know the streets….
Our streets are definitely getting less familiar physically and emotionally. I grew up around here and could knock on any of my neighbors doors and they would do all they could to help, in fact they found pride in helping a neighbor .
I called the cops a few days back for what seemed like a vagrant messing with my neighbors property I watch out for mine and my neighbors! However it seems this street continues to ignore each other and struggle as the thieves take more, and we disconnect even further, and then complain our Dellview neighborhood has gone to shit.
Back to the night, I have one neighbor phone number, we messaged him 2 times before we called the cops, i messaged him once on “Nextdoor” to let him know about the events. Nextdoor is supposed to be an application that keeps neighbors informed and so I thought to help take back our streets. The only other option, a few days back our dog got out through a crack in our backyard gate and we were called by a man who wanted to give the puppy back. It was our neighbor 2 houses down, he had helped Gus with a vehicle issue, Gus took him a small token of gratitude, he returned our dog, one would think he will help. I asked my daughter if she still had his number on her phone, since he called about the dog. When I called he seemed willing, I asked both my daughter and her boyfriend to come with me as I didn’t think I should go alone, and Gus was occupied.
Marisa asked as we walked why we all had to go (innocent mentality) I explained it would be better since I was a woman calling a man, and you never know how other stranger women could take it… even if we have lived next to these people almost 5 years, and I knew and was friends with a previous family member who had passed on… wonderful lady by the way.
As we walked up I heard a woman scream at a man, “You are gonna let HER use my cables!” within seconds he came out looked disappointed handed my daughter boyfriend the cable’sand said please bring them right back. The lady came out angry 😡 yelling not to call ever again and delete her boyfriends number off my (pointing at me) phone.
We were 😲 shocked and speechless as we walked away, I broke the silence with, “ya see some “bishes” be hating,” no one laughed we had already been through the emotional wringer and had nothing in us.
After a few days I saw her and I was angered.
I don’t care what she’s been through my daughter nor I deserve treatment like that from anyone. I hate to say that is the way it works though, and I am thankful I was extremely somber that day because that lady can’t go around treating people like they are trash because my temper gets the best of me too.
Immediately, bad vibes…
It’s the fight in me…
Anger is a feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
Lol my humor once more, The truth is there is a lot of women and men who don’t respect themselves and especially not their relationship…
People actually pride themselves on this behavior so when we all know a few it is easy see anything that we don’t know as a “threat” even if it’s completely not a THREAT, just some random person of the opposite sex needing help … 🐉from a fellow neighbor; those dragon- lady tendencies come out. You see the threat and it can be some woman who don’t even want your man, but as we have all seen before there is more than a handful of women who give the rest of us a bad name.
and they seem to get more desperate with age, but they need and crave the attention of a man so bad, they will flirt with any testosterone entity within feet of them, they are handing your man his tacos at Bill Millers… lol (inside joke) this older woman is all sweetie, honey with Gus until she finally sees me in the front of the van this time… that sweetie went to Sweeties… business like real fast like Drake 0-100 real quick! The other day I was at a Valero (lol) won’t say which one… and I always take forever to figure out all my snacks… she flirted with all the guys that went in… I was amazed at how many workers went in and asked how her and the boyfriend were, she was sharing her business with every male who would listen.
I always joke, a shoulder to cry on becomes a d***to ride on…
Or that getting your man alone will bring you that kind of happiness…I will tell you what if you take him, someone will end up taking him from you, Real men can’t be taken!
I will tell you what I am blessed with a relationship that consist of us as best friend’s, sometimes we don’t like each other much lol but that doesn’t last when you can’t live without laughing with one another, when we miss talking, hanging out, sharing love… everything I need I can get for myself including jumper cables! No penis in this world is worth losing the respect we have, and the respect I hold for myself.
Lol so I then started feeling sorry for the woman, I talked to my daughter and explained we don’t know her story…. or his, but it sure as hell ain’t me!
Tonight, there was some domestic violence that ended in a good Samaritan death at our local Walmart…
And I am left thinking even more about my neighbors who don’t want to make eye contact, the hate and fear that keeps us divided…
And then I remember all the other kinds of people who live here in my city, and in my heart…those who are always there for another in need, and like the man tonight …whether they know them or not! Some people I know were put on this earth to be heros….those who live to protect, soldiers, SAPD, SAFD, CPS, APS, good Samaritans, they are among us.
During tragedies and during our darkest times is when we see our stars.
I will always feel strongly about communication, my writings, my blogs, your support and advice … it is necessary for change. The most powerful tool for change is and will always be EDUCATION!
I spent a lot of my teen years involved in revenge, my heart is completely changed but I never forget where I came from or where I have been. I am made up of parts of all where I have been and who I have been with… Don’t worry about revenge Good or Bad, whatever you do will come back in one form or another; that would explain why the earth is ROUND.
In the end you will see who’s fake, who’s true and who would risk it all for you. And trust me, some people will totally surprise you! I know a pause button would be greatly appreciated in our life, but we don’t have that option, so sometimes we got to slow our own self down, and change our own mind. Don’t be afraid to let people in… a little at a time, baby steps. Dont be afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
My oldest daughter Marisa , is 18 and the motivating factor I found my home again at St. Matthew’s Catholic Church and connected with A.C.T.S.
My middle child and favorite son, Jay is 10, he is a passionate gamer and full of intelligence.
Last but not least, my baby is 8 years old she is my mini me; full of creative ideas and exploding with expression.
I left an ALMOST twenty year marriage about five years ago; I married at an emotional end of my 18th year on December 31, 1992. Today, I am adjusting to a new relationship full of Love, Joy, Understanding, Compassion and feel blessed.
I pray often for the Lord to continue to show me the way with my overabundance of passion that exists in my home.
I have been blessed to be a huge part of the St. Matthew’s Youth Group since I was a youth; lost my way for many years, and finding myself brought back by my daughter with absolutely no direction from me, it is mysteriously wonderful. My daughter had a friend that asked her to attend Girls Night In Retreat during one of the toughest periods in our life as a family, I am convinced God placed her to with the sole motive; bring Marisa to St. Matt’s where she would find her strength in her faith; this friend is not part of the Parish and never went back to the St. Matt’s Youth Group after the initial invite.
I was blessed to be asked to chaperone Girls Night In Retreat in 2013 ~
I was humbled as I witnessed my daughter give her first TALK/Testimony of faith,
asked again to chaperone when my daughter was director for the Girl’s Night In retreat the following year in 2014. I was invited with an open mind and an even more importantly open heart by Carl and Michelle Weekley to be part of ALL the youth’s events from the beginning.
Michelle always included me, one of the smartest women I have been blessed to know; she see’s the talents, and gifts God graces to everyone immediately; and allows them to shine in their own personal way. Michelle was never put off by my crazy and energetic ways, she allowed me to be myself; and accepted me wholeheartedly, no strings attached, unconditionally, and as is.
I found my family at the Vance Jackson House
The VJ… where I was able to witness and be proud of my daughter Marisa as I witnessed firsthand her growth in faith.
I was called by God to my very first A.C.T.S. Retreat as an adult; in July of 2014.
The retreat “Be Strong and Courageous. Do Not be Afraid; Do NOT be Discouraged, for the Lord Your God will Be with YOU Wherever you go!” ~Joshua 1:9 led by my wonderful beautiful Sister In Christ~Celina Gonzalez it was magnificent; it then allowed me the opportunity to be part of A.C.T.S ~ team; as one of the adults for the July2015 St. Matt’s Teen A.C.T.S retreat, words can’t express the blessing I experienced as a part of the team that my Marisa would co-direct alongside her best friend Luis Sanchez❤.
I was a part of a very emotional, intense, last retreat as she would spend as a YOUTH. The Lord has his ways; during that last retreat, while I wondered if my journey with St. Matthew’s was coming to an end; I was asked to be on Team for the 2015 St. Matt’s Women’s A.C.T.S retreat by my wonderful amazing SIC and forever friend Michelle Medellin.
Michelle Medellin is an amazing human being; and when I realized the team she put together along with her co-director Nelda Ortiz I was amazed; it was a team of the most amazing; and my most favorite ladies on this earth. The team was full of creativity, intelligence, humor, and love.
I am blessed with an opportunity to share my journey with each one of you who are reading this in the way God has planned.
Everybody is called by the Lord for their own individual purpose
to strengthen faith
to renew their faith
some are searching and don’t even realize it is time for their connection with God.
God is always calling each of us by name, we may not accept or respond to his call like he would love <3 but something different happened, because you are here reading this at this very moment. The “A” in A.C.T.S. stands for ADORATION.
Adoration is the road to intimacy with God. God is in control of our life, our blessings, doesn’t it make sense to plan for allowing a few moments, at least 20 minutes of your whole day to spend that time putting your life in perspective with the one you love, adore, and admire. God is the Master of all that exists, God is our Creator, and he is our Savior; he deserves the highest honor, the strongest admiration, and all of our respect.
Is about taking the time to give our Lord the True Praise and Worship he deserves. It is taking the time to be in a state of “wonder and amazement” before his presence in the Eucharist. Taking the time to get to know and understand God on a deeper level each day because it is your most important relationship. Communicating with Jesus in prayer as we share our thoughts with him, and give him appreciation!
We can’t adore what we don’t know or understand; the amazing thing is GOD wants us to know him and he wants us to tell him what is in our hearts every day. He has important things to say to us… God wants us to prosper and succeed. In the bible God tells us~
Behold, I sent you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be as wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
It is easy to imagine myself as a fancy harmless dove. I went to Catholic school and was taught to be nice; do onto others as you would have them do unto you! I expected the world was fair as long as I was fair.
It was never stressed to me that I needed to be wise or think like a Serpent.
Throughout the years I have allowed my world to be surrounded by toxic people; even enabling those to remain toxic by giving them what they told me they needed. I have felt support means making those happy who most need it. I seldom put mefirst, and protected those I loved. Did I really believe I could protect another, YES, I did; and my nature is still very protective.
The onlytrue Protection is by GOD, and that a truth that is PROMISED by him. The only TRUE protection is the Shield of God! Struggles are NOT against flesh and blood, they are from evil forces and powers of the dark world.
The Armor of God consist of: BELT OF TRUTH, BREASTPLATE OF as RIGHTEOUSNESS, FEET ready to put to action the gospel of PEACE, Shield of Faith, HELMET OF SALVATION, and SWORD of the HOLY SPIRIT (the Word of God.)
It really is easy to spend my days twirling with the skilled trickery, of the hypnotic dancer ~theDEVIL when I am kept busy as life often keeps me. Growing up I imagined the ruler of the dark underworld to look ugly, the ugliest vision my mind could create during different periods of my life.
Little did I know that the Devil is always cleverly disguised in all those things I want, crave, and deeply desire. The dark evil forces are forever at work looking to devour me at my weakest, times when I was losing faith, and even during my strongest moments when doing God’s work aimed to put faith in those souls who are seeking him.
I’d say it was elementary school age for me; that I believed to be truly devoted I had to turn my cheek nonstop; learn to be a willing victim, a martyr. Do I really believe that is what my Father God wants for me, what exactly am I devoted to? The Lord has said, doing what is right and just is more acceptable than to sacrifice. I have learned to ask myself is my dedication bringing Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Faithfulness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-control to others and me.
As I opened my mail one afternoon, I noticed an invitation from the United States District Court, well, actually it was a subpoena. I was to appear for a civil caseon January 30, 1995 at 9:00 AM in Honorable H. Garcia CourtRoom.
Juan Caballero is his legal name, I will just call him, “LOST ONE”. He was one of those sneaky serpents, I had never met him before that night. He was lying in wait,hiding from his prey, until he selected an easy target, no challenge, just overpower.
I was 18 years old when I was taken from a gas station, forced into my vehicle by a man who would show me all of the things that would become my monsters. I was forced to drive around, he held a constant grip to remain in control on my neck and head and warned me to listen to what I was told or my neck would be snapped. I was confined to a place where I had lost complete control, I immediately sensed his strongest need was for power. He didn’t seem human, he has a wild, animalistic look in his eyes. He was so full of rage, he was so out of control and all he wanted was the opportunity to gain a feeling of control and power. He knew the only way he could achieve that was by degrading and humiliating me and I wondered why, I wondered if he had a mother, grandmother, or sister, what or who made him full of so much hate.
Initially, I fought long and hard, I was losing, first my energy then my senses what would be next. As each moment drained me, I could feel his power and excitement gained strength. I could feel it in his restraint in his arms. Uncertainty never felt so dreadful, what was he trying to do, full of fear of every next move, I wondered if this was “it” would this be my last day, I thought often about my family and then back to the fight to stay alive. Mentally, I was terrorized, his favorite game was telling me how strong his arms were and then he would choke me, tell me how easy it would be to snap my neck; and laugh; each time I held onto to every breath wondering if I would have another. He raped me and continued to beat the life out of me. Many have asked if that has affected me sexually; honestly I don’t feel like I had sex with him at all.
I often felt myself wasting away…
2 Corinthians 4 God reminds us, that we should never lose heart. Our outer self is wasting away, but our inner self is being renewed day by day. Whatever our affliction is, it will only be momentary and it is preparing us for eternal Glory beyond anything we could compare to what we know.
During the complete attack I often found myself in another place. The place was bright and what was ahead a few walks up; was even brighter and so appealing; I wondered what that way held. I came to this place numerous times, anytime I felt I couldn’t go on another minute, I found myself there again. I could feel my soul leave this plane; the world I knew, this other place was nowhere I had ever been, it wasn’t familiar; yet it was comforting. I wasn’t afraid, I felt I belonged there; almost as if that place was created just for me. I felt completely at peace, not lost. I was aware I wasn’t attached or in my body anymore; but I felt even more connected to myself. Like a waiting room, I felt a peaceful place where I was allowed a much needed rest; but only for a short moments, because I knew that if I stayed there too long; that decision would haven an effect on what I was going back to. The only uncomfortable feeling I had, was feeling a bit hurried. Like a rude awakening, I would go back to my body while I was be violated, only to figure out the newest idea to survive.
So many times during the assault; I wanted to give up; but then I would be back at my safe place; and even though each time the comfort increased and it made it harder to want to go back… I had a stronger feeling to turn back and not go forward; I couldn’t go because I had to do something very important first. I don’t know what that important thing is; but it felt like a feeling that in order to get to that place, you have to do something else first, like a strong feeling of unfinished business.
3 years after the sexual assault was the most difficult, the third year I found some relief as I was finally able to live a more normal life; able to let go mistrust I had for every male I was forced to face in my everyday living. The fear of being in close proximity of an unknown male caused panic attacks; my heart would race, my body’s uncontrollable trembling was only a reminder of the everlasting fear in my soul. When I found myself in such an intense state of fear, I knew the only way to release it was through God;
In Psalm 62
God promises our soul will find rest and salvation in him, and him alone.
When I spend more time in Adoration; looking for the truth for the purpose of Peace. I began to feel closer to Jesus, our relationship is apparent, and his goal to lead me to my ultimate JOY, the one himself, to our home in Heaven this is one amazing friendship.
The bible is a love story which tells us of God’s promises~
Psalm 10 3 we can remember that no matter what we face, he promises to crown each one of us with love and mercy with crown, a Paradise Crown! We all know how great a new outfit or pair of shoes feels, well this crown is from Heaven; can you imagine the superior feeling we will sense as this crown is placed on our spirit; we can’t even begin to understand. He also promised that we will be wrapped in goodness-eternal beauty. Our youth will be renewed, in his presence we are ALWAYS young.
This night my soul was filled with so much fear and anxiety; I didn’t realize would become a part of me, as long as I would allow. Genesis 19 tells me the way; it is up to me when I will accept; I need to Let Go of the Fear of Letting Go and give it to GOD!
When I pray and meditate on the word of God and give my fears to God he takes them from me. I have learned to let go of my fear through Prayer! Seems easy enough; LOL; it’s not; it’s amazing what I would still hold; I soon learned letting go of fear gets easier with practice.
The LOST ONE plead guilty after his arrest; it was bitter-sweet he would get a lighter sentence-30 years maximum, I was consoled with the fact I wouldn’t have a court hearing; I wouldn’t have to face him again; I wouldn’t have to re-live the night again in front of a judge or jury. As I read the subpoena it gave me a number to call; as I waited for my call to be answered I was full of anger; disbelief; what was the purpose, was this fool trying to take what little dignity I had left?
I have always been told, God will never give me more than I can handle. Really, God had so much confidence in me! I can’t even count the number of times I have felt completely defeated,
Remember in 1 Peter 5:10
We are reminded that we all have our season of suffering, but he tells us when our season is complete, God in all his grace will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish each one of us. We will be stronger than ever before, for he is preparing us to be the Greatest we can be.
When the time was right, I understood as I watched myself able to overcome obstacles with a new strength giving me the ability to achieve numerous greater plans God had planned for me. God loves me, even when I haven’t loved him back. I spent a great deal of my time angry during my struggles, angry enough to ignore God. There is NO WAY I could ever push him away though, no matter how hard I tried, because God dwells in me. Once I learned to quiet my mind with much practice, I began to meditate. Meditation has always been a favorite place I go to and find truth I have yet to find elsewhere. As a child, I attended grade school at St. Gregory’s…
Our sister set up a card table with a draping over it, we each had a turn during the month to sit; no visual distractions; just me and God; that is where I first found him. God’s truth comes, not when I want, but at his time, his timing is perfect because that is when it is the most effective.
During my weakest moments during my life I would find myself again and again walking into the house of God each time was completely different. I always held on to my faith God was present, and I would be sure to show my true presence no matter the state I was in. I walked into church, the small chapel in the church we call ADORATION because I was taught as a young child I was in his true presence before the Blessed Sacrament. I had faith that the only physical reality here on this earth of the body and blood of Christ, along with the soul and divinity of Jesus Christ was right there in front of me.
I needed to be front and center in the face of Jesus to let him know what I was feeling and no matter what I believed. The truth was I felt so destroyed, I turned Eighteen in June, my boyfriend committed suicide in front of me on the 4th of July, in August, my dad who I was raised by would marry a woman I didn’t get along with at all; and felt was coming between my dad and me; the only relationship I valued. I found myself looking for belonging, leaving my dads home angry and moving in with a local gang; with other lost souls trying to find their own place as well. December came I was kidnapped and assaulted; a few weeks later I married someone I had only known for a few months. I found myself in ADORATION angry and completely full of doubt. I imagined screaming at the top of my lungs at God; so powerful I’d make the statues shake, break; and all the lit candles would flicker out by my rage. Then, as I sat; a peace would overcome me; I would find myself asking for help; anger was doing nothing for me; and I just wanted to feel better; I asked for happiness and protection; I didn’t feel I could take ONE more hit. I was so done, I would go and cry, cry, and cry and wonder how he could watch and allow me to completely fall apart maybe I was not worthy.
I have lost count of all the times I have gone to ask for Gods assistance with my numerous needs and pleas. Here I thought he was ignoring me; when all along each time the devil was ready to strike; writing this journey brought tears to my eyes when I looked back and realized how my Lord held me so tight; comforted me; and gave me the power to go on; and only NOW do I see; HE WAS ALWAYS WITH ME!
Each time I entered the house of God with my destructive; shameful feelings, I can tell you I never left his house with those feelings. Sometimes when I left adoration, the Holy Spirit was so powerful I would find a new-found strength stirred up in my spirit that would give me a drive to go find a soul who was in a low place and assist them by speaking the truth. I learned, the true meaning of understanding is found in truth; it only comes from the enlightenment that experience brings. True appreciation that comes from inside our soul, is a true gift from above, that gift is Peace.
My FAITH shall be bigger than any fear! Thinking about Jesus struggles, his death so that I am REDEEMED, and then his Resurrection is his reminder I can have a new life a new spirit.
My phone call was answered, I found out that he was trying to make a case against the San Antonio Police Department for brutal force during his arrest after he assaulted me. My mind quickly took me back to the night when all I could remember was his sweat, the disgust that filled my mind that reminded me how unclean another person can make you feel. I thought about his darkness, it gave me a sick feeling knowing such evil forces are at work in this world.
It is those moments in my life, when I have found a new strength, the moments I feel I have been lifted high spiritually the devil always attacks; including each time I worked on this talk to share with each of you.
Ya know what, I felt ready to face him; I was ready I wanted to let him know I could look right at his face; those soul-less eyes and fight for justice and let him know he didn’t haunt me anymore. He did not hold any power over me.
I would use my voice to empower me; which would then give me a strength to be a voice in court for the abused; and remind parents who were stuck in a state of fear I knew so well they held the power.
The day I walked into the courtroom I looked directly at him; and he looked so small; so pathetic, he looked like a small pinto- bean that I could smash with a spoon. He smirked at me, he tried to intimidate me; his facial expressions held the same wickedness that made me remember once again what it felt like being under evil’s control. His eyes snared at me with a proud confidence that he was able to forever poison my heart. My neck began to ache, as I wasn’t sure how to release the stress my neck held.
The “lost ones” antics would not work I would not allow him to take one more thing from me, this time I was in control!
I testified from the point that the officers yelled he was under arrest, as they read him his Miranda rights he began to fight the officers, punching, hitting, kicking, refusing to be handcuffed, making his legs limp as he refused to walk, he would make them carry him from every point all the way to the patrol car while he spat and yelled out vile words. When the officer told him he was under arrest for sexual assault he began to laugh wickedly and in-between yelling, “It won’t stick, I’ll get out of it, he continued threats to the officers, their wives, and family.
I continued to testify how the officers used as much force as required to place a crazy wild deranged man into the rear cage of the police car.
Making the decision to face your fears is one of the hardest things in life; it is fear itself that freezes us; fear is what closes my heart. Fear will break me if I allow it; but fear can make me If I conquer it. I have learned I see things exactly how I allow myself to see. When I think about fear and how much of my time it has consumed; I’d rather face it and destroy it, fight; I will not allow my being to be sacrificed; and remind myself that as often as I have to.
Yes, there have been times I have personally felt I fought a hard fight and still completely got my butt kicked. The reality eventually settles in; I lost this battle; God is the ONLY way I have found rest, there are plenty ways to distract myself legal and illegal; and I have tried them all. There are some powerful escapes out in the world; but their power is deceiving and will only work for a short period of time there is no power in this world that is greater than the one living in me. The only true advice, is pick myself up from way down there, pray to Jesus-the one who saved ME, ask and allow the Holy Spirit into my soul. The only true LOVE I NEED, is already there; how can I not find my peace and confidence.
St. Matthews Adoration is open 24 hours 7 days a week. The Blessed Sacrament chapel can be found on the left side behind the church, there is a pathway between the Administration Building and the Parish Hall.
I am here because I have something great to do on this earth; I refuse to waste any energy on fear.
I found a new desire to protect others! I had jobs working at Child Protective Services keeping families together, working with the abused and neglected children, I then found myself at San Antonio Housing Authority which would make me an expert on subside housing; I was then led to Haven for Hope with my knowledge to assist the homeless to find their own home. Each place gave me a greater opportunity to give hope to those who lost it.
I spent my days working all over the city specifically the areas of our city where it was ridden with poverty and abuse. I am not meaning to offend; I know there is abuse and violence in wealthy households; even our Police battle domestic violence in their own homes. My story doesn’t consist of those though; I worked through my fears in the projects on the West and East side of San Antonio, fighting my fears with cat-calls and vile language by addicts and men who just had no direction. I fought my fears with REDIRECTION. I would redirect with the truth, I began to stop at any church, chapel in the area I was working in for the day; during my lunch, I would take a few minutes or the complete hour if needed.
I felt a peaceful calm at the altar as soon as I would kneel; showing my admiration to the Almighty; I would begin my prayers for my needs, the needs of my family, friends, each family I was working with that day, and each individual I ran into that needed prayer in their own way. As I would study the body of Christ on the cross, I found myself in deep thought how Jesus must have also been afraid, wondering about all the must have felt his last day and moments on that cross. Feeling such strong feelings of admiration as I looked at Jesus in all his humble ways; so loving and perfect, and carried that cross, his struggle was for me. I would look at the Monstrance which is what we call the vessel used to display our Eucharistic host, I’d watch the flicker of the flames on each candle to me which represented hope, positive energy, and the smell reminds me of my faith in God…
Jeremiah 29 tells us that we are promised when we seek him, we WILL find him.
It isn’t uncommon to walk out of church with a charge to your soul, super charge of courage. I started to begin to appreciate the different feelings and energy I felt from each unique altar, I could feel the spirit of others who had left their doubts, fears, and sorrows right there under the cross. Some left pictures I would assume a loved one in need, each candle represented it’s very own intention, and beautiful flowers of gratitude left behind. I felt empathy for every soul I thought of; it made me want to help them. It made me want to get myself as strong as possible so I could find the magic forces that would spring positive energy into me; so if I could help another find the faith they needed to find their own truth and peace.
11 years after the year of the assault he was released from prison. It was 2006 he had been stalking a woman for a few weeks, he broke into her house, and approached her with a knife, a plastic bag, and met his new victim. I was watching TV, the news that night and I froze as I saw his face flash on the screen.
A would-be burglar is recovering from a head injury in custody Friday morning, after he was driven off by a baseball bat-wielding homeowner. Police said the female homeowner woke up to find a man in her house, so fearing for the safety of her toddler daughter, she grabbed a baseball bat that was near the couch she was asleep on. Officers said the suspect approached her from her kitchen, she then cracked him over the head with the bat. The suspect fled the scene, but was soon caught found bloody hiding in a shed. The suspect is being treated for his head injury, and then will go before a judge to face charges.
2 years after that NEWSFLASH I received a phone call from the District Attorney Susan Reed. It was 2008 at this time in my life, I was at the point where I would be graduating from college; UTSA with my degree in Psychology my final project had a REQUIREMENT: it would need to be PUBLICLY DISPLAYED, using Gloria Anzaldua’s 7 Stages of Conocimiento~ A Reason to Keep Going! I decided I would take the rest of my last months in school; Healing the Latina Within. I was at a place in my life where I felt grounded more than ever, spiritually full of the Holy Spirit, I had been educated on grief and life adjustment issues. I felt ready to break down any walls that were holding me back from being the best me I could. While, I no longer trusted the universe; I trusted myself and I trusted Jesus! “Jesus I trust in thee!” My soul was in a deep creative mode; I felt ready to let go of all that was familiar and even more ready to create my new reality.
The call from the District Attorney’s office was asking if I would be willing to be a witness for his latest victim trial. I immediately said all I knew was, I needed to meet her, I just wanted to hug the woman who beat him on the head with a bat, and I wanted to hear all the details hoping to myself the bat was metal. When I met Courtney our eyes met and I could immediately feel a bond between us as we shared the same look deep in our eyes that held a fear but a strength. She told me how a friend of her brought that bat over just a few days before, and said since she was a young single mom; she needed protection; she laughed and found it humorous; she never thought again about the bat; that would save her life.
The office of the D.A. explained I was the only way to prove sexual assault intent, since he didn’t actually assault her, he would basically get away with a slap on the hand without my testimony.
A couple of weeks later, I made my way from the waiting area room, the bailiff escorted me to a full Court room. Court was in session and I was called in to testify. I felt like I was entering a huge metal cage but the lion in me was gone as I felt the intense pressure of so many expressionless eyes all upon me. There was a jury sitting on the right; both sides of the room were full of people I didn’t know, I wondered what they heard, what they were thinking. As I made my first few steps into the room our eyes met, there “he” was he looked up and saw me entering the room; I will never forget that moment. The last time I saw him in court he was smirking at me with so much arrogance, this time when he saw me; his face dropped; he shook his head as if his worst nightmare had walked into the room. He shook his head, “no, in disbelief,” he looked as if all the confidence he held was zapped from him and he just knew that it was all over,” what a feeling. He was looking for power that night; he took mine; but little did I know it would empower me; and every look of my face would deplete him of his power.
Proverbs 21 promises when Justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.
As I walked to the stand it seemed like the longest walk of my life; I felt my legs shaking, the air I inhaled, exhaled was brought to my attention and seemed a strange struggle. My body trembled and I wondered how my legs would hold me up because I felt my body so heavy; and would I be able to find the balance I needed to orchestrate them to do a motion for the first time ever seemed difficult… to walk.
In 2 Corinthians we are told we walk by faith; and that is what happened.
The walk to the judge began, my eyes projected the seat I was motioned to sit at. I held on tight to my essence; as I began to fight a real intense tremendous fear. I used the judge as my focus, I was finally seated. The effort to get to the stand was overwhelming, and then when I finally got there; I was shocked when I swore in and heard my voice echo like thunder; it seemed so loud with the mic; I knew everyone would hear every word articulated, every emotion my words held. The questioning began I began to emotionally and verbally relive the complete assault, how I was taken; every detail done to me; how I feared for my life, and how I still live with the fear even today. As I tried to connect and make eye contact with the jury as I was instructed; I saw men looking at him in disgust; he didn’t represent being a man; and that reminded me once again; not to judge another. I saw different stories in the faces of each individual jury member; real emotions; maybe some holding past fears, each one cried at different parts of my journey, I saw compassion in the eyes of another soul who felt empathy, sorrow, disgust, and even pride when I shared the times I had learned to pick myself up time and time again. I found myself extremely emotional as I felt each connection with another human being I never even knew I would face that day; and may never face again. I felt it was my time for my story to be told, and it was our time together to make a difference. When I realized I was done; the District Attorney and the team had smiles of pride knowing after my emotional testimony, the verdict was automatically in! I stood up, I walked away tired but elevated. Courtney and I glanced at each other; with a tearful smile; knowing we did it; and would forever hold a special place in our souls for one another that no one else could quite understand. Even with my neck pains, I held my head up high as I walked away. He may have refused to lift his eyes or his head even; but my purpose was to prove intent, and that I did!
I walked out of the courtroom with a courage raised higher than ever before, I felt a good power. The kind of power that is achieved, not won by luck; not bought with money; not gained through inheritance, and not stumbled upon.
The phenomenal elevation pushed me to go inspire others with the realization that each and every one of us holds a power within given from every tragedy faced to encourage another soul with an understanding only the completely defeated can understand.
If my spiritual testimony of faith has inspired at least just one other soul to find or strengthen their faith we can all celebrate giving thanks in adoration finding a new life and renewed spirit.
Luke 7 will forever echo in our mind, “Your Faith has saved you; Go in PEACE.”
~Feel lost, have been incorrectly or falsely accused, have been abandoned by someone I love, have been lied to by someone I trusted, have been hurt by another who was supposed to care, have been cheated on by a love that wasn’t true, struggle with depression, struggle with allowing my spirit and energy to be depleted by fear which zaps moments, days, years from my life, have allowed fear of tomorrow to disable me today, deal with rejection, have been discouraged each time I was not selected, and I have been denied something important to me.
STOP! I AM NOT A LABEL!
~will not whine; will not feel helpless, won’t allow myself to be unproductive, lazy, and weak.
Cry; but preferably only with myself~ it’s necessary to let “it” out, it’s good for the soul. Will work DAILY on moving to a new direction, and find a solution EVERY SINGLE TIME. Will Stopcomplaining about “it”; know that sounding like a broken record only highlights ~I am still making the choice to allow “it” to “OWN ME.” Will always remember that it is perfectly OK to “LOVE TOO MUCH,” must also remember I can want “IT,” with ALL I HAVE, but somethings just can’t be forced; and shouldn’t have to.
There are Evil people (well one for sure) 🙂 that live with hate, they have shown motives to mock and annihilate me, for no reason at all; I will be damned if I give them the satisfaction of EVER seeing me fail.
But the truth is, focusing BLAME on someone else for all the ways I have personally felt screwed; is unproductive. If I truly give that much control and power to another soul; it is not surprise blame will most likely focus energy using mockery, hate, ridicule, and demeaning any threat’s existence. BLAME focuses energy on bringing another human being down, because blame feels such intense feelings of bitterness, anger, sadness, and madness. ***NO OTHER~Soulmakes youmiserable; the soul itself chooses misery.
The more effective approach would be working on the self; understanding why, when, and where a “Label” was allowed and held, forever obsessive thoughts on your next battle with the “perpetrator” when all along; the true perpetrator lives inside the soul of the self.
EVERYTHING that needs to be understood by my soul here on this earth will eventually lead me to the truth; it will only be found through self-reflection, inner workings, and self exploration. My purpose is for continuous positive self-growth and self fulfillment; this is only possible inside my soulwith my spirit and the Holy Spirit. I hold the answers to all I need to know and with God’s love, I am complete.
Giving anxiety the power to take away from NOW !
Overindulgence of food, codependency, drug addiction, alcoholism, and all the other obsessive activities we focus on~ to not focus on what we really need to.
It is very easy, more guilt free, and often accepted by society to focus and obsess on being a workaholic and work-out-aholic and it is not healthy for the soul.
Ignoring personal physical and emotional needs, blaming others for all the labels that the soul has clung to~
I am in control; I deserve respect; and any person who doesn’t give me what I deserve I will give them a chance once, twice, but then it’s time to move on; as the bible says…
Titus 3:10 As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him ONCE and then TWICE, have nothing more to do with him…
Recognize personal self-destructive behaviors so work can begin for ELIMINATION!
DO NOT allow anything to poison your body and soul.
Start to love the self; Love so deep, Be Protective, let the last chance… BE THE LAST CHANCE! Let go of self illusions and fantasy that are a dream/wish~ but not reality.
EVERYDAY know the SOUL is full of Power! Enthusiastically, go and find what the soul needs and deserves! Michele Renee
So far, since I came back from the wonderful Teen ACTS RETREAT approximately 2 weeks ago , I have had my own personal run in’s with family discord and finances~nothing major Thank God, however more tragically a good friend of mine ~ 14 year old son passed away, my other “like a daughter” grandma passed on as well, another good friend’s Godmother diagnosed with cancer, my best friend is suffering from her anemia, a close friend (like a sister) and my other close family member of 20+ years is struggling with their marriage and it seems directed at divorce. I had to take one of my closest friends holy water because she is being bullied at work by demons… ; and so as you can imagine my Jesus “high” seemed like it was in constant tug of war facing all the hard knocks of “real life” issues. Satan chuckles at the fact many “Jesus high’s” can and will be forgotten so easily with a few heartaches here and even more there….
*”Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.”- Thomas Jefferson
The moment you lose your cool, you lose everything~ it is so easy to allow emotions to run us and even more so ruin us. I have more times than I’d like to admit allowing fear, anger, and distrust be the motivating factor to destruction of my faith.
Bring it on!!!! 🙂 Get ready to fight and know what is going on so that your relationship with God won’t fade or continue to be absent. I usually pray before a blog for the message that needs to be conveyed at the moment; and I pray for the people who will read it. If you are reading this blog it is because YOU are needing this message. God sent you today to read this because he misses you, loves you and wants more of you. You don’t have to give him all of your time, he isn’t even asking for most of it, he just wants some of it. If you are busy, can’t find time to even breathe; you need more of God.
“Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” Albert Einstein
You will find the only limits you really have are the limits you put on yourself or those you love. If any person on this earth gives you limits; i don’t care who they are… what their profession is; that is your cue to prove them wrong. NO ONE LIMITS you; that is why you have heard so many stories of miracles.
I will always push the envelope that is what gives me fulfillment. If i feel passionate about something I can’t conceive not giving it my all or doing whatever it takes. Free Association, Spontaneity, & always expecting results when God knows the time is right. The day you want to throw the towel in because you have YET seen a change; keep believing; God will tell you when to stop. You can’t just talk the talk you have to walk the walk. When you are at the finish line; you will find out what you have always needed to, and it maybe completely different than what you had been looking for; but it’s your message!
Sometimes you are so focused on where you think you need to be when you aren’t getting any closer to the point you have your mind set on; you allow yourself to live with daily disappointments and heartache. What if you are in fact getting closer and closer to your destiny; but you never trusted. All your days you spent crying, and sad when you were on your life’s correct path; but you never trusted.
So many times those you love think they know what is best for you; family well meaning friends, and they are determined to take you to a completely different place than you are meant for. People who love us don’t always know what is right for us as an individual and its hard for us to rebel against their wishes because we love them to and want to make those we love proud. Pray ! Trust God and keep doing whatever it is you feel you have to do to continue on your journey.
and that is OK; because their way may not be on the same path as your life’s purpose way. It may scare them especially the older generation, family, and close friends. There are so many people in this life who just know, “you get by…” that may not be your purpose; you need to follow your inner calling.
How does one remain positive and stay on the line of straight and arrow when life can be completely shitty at times. Life is definitely a roller coaster ride of beautiful moments that keep us going and then those fearful moments when we wonder how on earth we will be able to go on. So many times life is bitter sweet we have wonderful beautiful moments but then we have a heart so broken that it definitely takes away from the moment.; all and all life is NOT FAIR.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a book with all the answers, especially at the times in our life when tragedy strikes and we feel a need to know the why’s…. The best answer is keeping your relationship with God on the forefront; he is the best and only guide who knows where you need to go and NOT ever go again! You know the answer inside; close your eyes and feel; that is God telling you. Sometimes we are stubborn, fight the answer but if it keeps coming back; then we need to accept it; let go and move on for our own emotional transition into a state of much needed mind rest.
How do we stay true to our goals when everything in the world seems to be working against them? What you will find is some days are harder to even get an inch closer to your mission; but other days it may seem you are just flowing on to where you need to be. One thing is for sure; God has a plan and you have to have faith and confidence it will happen when the time is right and not a day, hour, or minute sooner.
Another thing to consider is if you are doing something for the good of yourself or others the devil is always going to fight hard to make it harder; but the DEVIL does NOT have the power; you need to keep fighting even harder and longer.
Be realistic, you can’t make drastic changes over night; but you can start with a little change today; right now… Stop go to a place where there are no distractions silence your mind and just allow the holy spirit to absorb your being… tell God what you want and what you need. God will answer look for the answers; and know he is talking to you. God is present he is not in some remote far off place; he walks with you everyday. Let him know you know he is there, and you want him there. The voice of God is speaking in your heart. God is answering you in the gifts and blessings you receive everyday; HE IS HERE!!!!! God is sending you to read this because you need a reminder at this very moment. In all the pain, grasp on to all the beauty in this world, he misses you.
Temptations are everywhere and we are all cheaters in some form. Think about it, what are YOU cheating yourself of in your life.
Some people chose to cheat on their diet, their daily routine, their partner, the list goes on~ each time we do, what we fail to acknowledge~ is we think we are cheating on another, but the plain truth is ~we are truly cheating ourselves.
We are all human~ we ALL make mistakes and will continue to do so; it is how we learn, and the way of life. When we make a mistake for the first time, we learn that the opportunity to do it again then after becomes so much easier, and then it becomes part of who we presently are. EVERY ACTION IS A CHOICE!
“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
There is that moment when we decide and it is our choice to make that “bad” choice again. It initially was a mistake made during a moment of weakness or intoxication. Whatever state we are in when we make the choices we do, the truth is no matter what, we know when we are doing something that is morally wrong. How it becomes part of our behavior is never realized to many. Just know the present behavior of a person USUALLY predicts their future behavior. UH, NO, I don’t believe in that stupid saying… “once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. ” While the quote may ring true more of the time, it is NOT “set in stone”; because each one of us holds the ability to change our behavior, with realization and the want to change; we are not pre-programmed robots.
The wonderful moment comes to a few of us; we decide we don’t want our bad choices to dictate who we are, we want to be a better version of who we have been practicing to be; some just get sick of the shallow ways, we want to feel better about who we are and believe we are better. We are all humans who make mistakes so that mistake doesn’t have to become part of us; we want control , we will NOT allow our bad choices to “make us their bitch” any longer.
We have the desire to understand or make sense of how things got to the point they did; trying to remember all the mistakes along the way you both made how you both hurt each other. The truth is love shouldn’t hurt and doesn’t bring doubt. Realize that the relationship you are allowing to give you such feelings is wrong.
If you have a strong need to learn from it you can conquer it! The truth is cheating becomes a mind game before you know it and nothing to do with love. People that choose to cheat are wanting instant gratification for numerous reasons. They usually cheat because that other person is making them feel wanted, desirable, interesting~ something they are lacking at that point. They get in a disagreement in their current relationship and need to feel that the backup is till there and available, you allow yourself to be used because you make yourself believe you are being called upon because you are almighty and they love you. The truth is if they loved you they would be with YOU. Love doesn’t use love doesn’t just come around to take. If you are a person who finds value in relationships, specifically your love relationship, then this will bother you and make you feel like less of a person.
It is amazing how fear can drive a person to do things to hurt someone they love; and don’t realize it is too late by the time the relationship is completely at ruins. You will find yourself in a downward self destruction that will make you feel like (morally) you don’t even recognize yourself anymore; and what you did to give you a temporary feeling you needed has brought you to a point where you feel so way lower then before you cheated. Like a terrible destructible drug~ heroin… it feels wonderfully amazing for a short period of time; after that first time… you are ruined because you will do it again. It will always be easier each time after because it becomes part of your behavior. What we are willing to risk for a simple moment of gratification.
There are people who specifically choose to have affairs with people who are already married or in a committed relationship. They are drawn to those they can’t have or feel like have to win; there are various reasons but mainly all stem from the simple fact they have been hurt in the past and are afraid of commitment. They are using a defense mechanism to protect themselves; how can they get close to someone who is committed in more ways to someone else~wife/gf/other. The truth is you… reading this, you may think this cheating doesn’t pertain to you; or that you will never experience it in your life; but someone you love may. You reading this, maybe a cheater… a cheat-ee… or have been the one cheated on …take this opportunity to trust this a warning that YOU and your partner deserve the best life has to offer, change what is wrong. The devil will always use your vulnerabilities to get to you , he will tempt you throughout life to do what is wrong; and you need to want to make the right choice and be strong and faithful because it will be easier at times to choose what is wrong. If you are in a relationship or marriage that is boring or mundane; do something about that. A relationship is only as good as the work you are willing to put into it. I am so sick when men complain… “my wife is boring…. ” ok who is responsible for that, take responsibility, make your plans to make positive changes and take action. If you are unhappy with the partner you selected and you just can’t seem to picture your life together, not in love; get out of the relationship with your integrity in check and your penis in your pants still.
Here they come; the new charming soul, they make you laugh, make you smile; and you feel so excited when they are near~ they come around and you feel young and foolish lose your mind , they make your eyes heart- pop EMOJEE style and then they tell you oh, i am in a relationship BTW… but… here comes all the reasons they are unhappy. Stay strong and honestly you need to keep your limits in check; what goes around will definitely come around. If you think you are just so amazing that you won’t be cheating on once they “finally leave” the relationship which they seldom do, guess what… manipulative people will tell you exactly what you want to hear it is their craft. If someone lives a life of lies and deceit they have mastered the art. Soon enough, your relationship with them will get to the point where infatuation is gone, daily stresses bring you down; you will one day not be as exciting as something new and shiny, or you may just have a huge disagreement. Guess where they are going!!!! Remember this : the person you are cheating with is taking your finest qualities and using you when they need you; and the worst thing is, you are allowing it.
I despise cheaters because it is the worst part of me I once allowed and hate.
I cheated way before I started my family and I cheated when I was still a clueless, emotional, and lost kid. I was young, and I needed to feel loved, wanted, needed … that is no excuse; but it is why I did it… all those things that I needed to feel; there he was ready to tell me all I needed to hear but even more all i needed to believe~ he didn’t hold that kind of power. I know it ruined my relationship with my partner forever; there was no coming back from that type of devastation. I could spend a life time proving I was a loyal person who made a mistake and personally felt I shouldn’t be defined by it…. I deserved respect and trust and no matter how much time passed; and how loyal and faithful i proved to be to him; It was never enough to take away the fear and hurt that was created by what was already done and regretted. I vowed to spend the rest of my life proving to myself and him; I was the woman of the integrity I held myself to be. Fear is pretty strong; and some mistakes can’t be erased; and one choice can seriously change the dynamic of your relationship with another forever. We all make mistakes and hurt one another in various ways throughout life; but I don’t think one should be branded and forced to pay the price by being reminded time and time again, year after year for a mistake at a completely period of time in their life that they were completely sorry for. It also wasn’t considered that since he was cheated on; he would forever be branded as well (in a different way); one full of fear and mistrust toward me. I was sure to acknowledge my mistake and learn from it; and make it a point to not allow it to become a part of me; but I always had the guilt and held onto the fact a mistake can be so damaging and powerful; it will feel it is a part of you. How can we hurt someone we are supposed to love and care for so much that we are willing to jeopardize the relationship we shared for some playtime here and there; or just some need; there really is so many easy targets~lonely or horny people who are willing to be the side-hoe. The truth is I learned a valuable lesson in one of my most important relationships in my life… I learned no escapade with anybody is worth losing your self respect. I knew I would never give that feeling to another soul by cheating on someone if I was going to choose to be in a committed relationship. I would never bring myself down to a level i was not comfortable with, and I would be conscious of all my choices that were specifically made for my own self satisfaction.
Understanding is letting go of denial and facing the truth, whether it is physical or emotional we all know exactly when we are crossing that line with someone we shouldn’t be crossing it with. We all get needy at different times and points in our life; we need others that is just the plain truth. The best advice is be honest with your needs and change your own personal behavior by replacing the want to go and get instant gratification with a healthy choice that will actually make us feel better in the future as well. The temporary feeling of good is a LIE! We have to face the COLD HARD HURTFUL truth to find that long-term good feeling; you will only get from the truth. It isn’t easy to change our minds because of all the feelings and emotions that go along with acknowledgement and change. There comes a point in our lives when the lonely woman has to face it and say; I am and deserve better than to be your side bitch… I deserve honesty, love, respect… and refuse to answer that call again.
The strong and brave face the truth which makes the ability for change, thus take control over their decisions that gives them the potential to condition a new behavior into their reality.
It sounds complicated and is even more complicated to actually do! Facing the truth is extremely hard when we have allowed ourselves to believe a lie for so long. It isn’t too late for anyone and its possible; but only if you want it, remain honest with yourself and put closure to whatever it is that keeps you choosing behaviors that make you feel like shit. You then need to decide to pick on the side of truth and honesty over and over again…
It is hard when we have to acknowledge that our expectations have been damaged and completely destroyed, that person we held so high and believed was so perfect for us is a complete dream we created in our head. The truth is we all have either hurt someone we love or have been hurt by damaging behavior by someone we love. The person who continues to make excuse after excuse and continues to allow themselves to believe the present lie; or turn their head and busy their life needs to stop and take NOTICE! Take the responsibility to take care of YOU today; and then wake up and make that same choice tomorrow. The bad circumstances that happen in our life are often many times accepted unconsciously and allowed by our ability to deny the truth; and allow it to happen again.
Take full responsibility you feel the way you do because you are making the choice to; quit pointing the finger at another person. If you can’t trust the other person; say GOODBYE as hard as it maybe; its the best thing for you and your soul. Go find the love and respect you deserve! If you are confused and can’t be there for the other 100% supportive; let the person you cheated on go; let them be and find their peace. Stop being selfish and dicking them with false hope; no one deserves that! Each and every person deserves the love and respect they give.
One of the main reasons people don’t change, is because it is easier to put blame on the other person; oh they hurt me i can’t get over it; blah blah… that way it is easier to accept what we want to believe if we think its out of your or their control. Believing there is nothing to work on personally is a huge lie you need to realize. The belief that simply waiting for a change to happen is all that can be done; is a huge lie just the same. Feeling sorry for yourself or allowing yourself to feel sorry for the other people involved believing you are a poor victim; looking for your lost way; but going back to get the care and love you need from that person when you feel like it. Stop believing your own lies; She threw herself on me. She won’t leave me alone. It’s only for sex. Believe this crap you feed yourself and others and you will stay what you are forever a liar.
NO ONE in this life owes us anything! We owe it to ourselves though to guard and protect our bodies and emotions. If someone is making you unhappy or miserable; hurting you physically or emotionally and you feel you owe them anything that is NOT TRUE; they don’t even deserve the next explanation. You and your conscious deserve a break; look for the truth; but even more than that pray for it.
Many outgrow relationships, or maybe just going through their own personal crisis. Life sucks for everyone; that does not give you a free ticket to go and find different means of temporary fulfillment while you hold onto someone who is loyal and expects it of you and deserves it. If you are a person who is unsure about your life; trying to find your way; lost; and unsure… Don’t be so cold-hearted to string a committed person along with you because you love that love when you are willing. If you can’t be there emotionally and physically when you should be; like they are for you; you don’t have the right to come around when you need to feel that dependable kind of love that a committed person offers. If you do; you are selfish and need to realize at some point in time; the only way to get passed yourself; is manning up or ladies put your big girl panties on and let this person find the kind of love they deserve and give.
There will be many times in our life we feel “off” our path; we know how we feel inside; just stop for a minute and think about it. You know exactly if things feelright or wrong! If things feel off they ARE! Do NOT let fear win! Don’t be afraid of going a complete different way, you have to in order to feel different. It is ok to not know or be sure, none of us do.
Many of us choose a partner who isn’t emotionally and/or physically there for us proving time and time again they will be unaccountable. Yet we hold onto the neglectful partner hoping they will become someone they are not~ that isn’t fair to either involved.
Understanding is crucial! Even though this is the only type of a love you may have experienced; this isn’t love at all.
Why are you holding on to someone who doesn’t love you like you deserve to be loved? You hold onto every memory and during that time you dreamed of a perfect love; so you think in your mind it was perfect.
Remember each time for a moment the way you were left alone time and time again, especially those times when you really needed someone there for you. This is common while a cheater is out doing there own things for their own personal needs; they come back using lies and excuses of what they are doing or where they have been to keep the charade going.
Do you remember how that felt each and every time, Remember for a minute and think about it…
Yet, when he comes around because he is in need, your ready to give him what he needs because you have felt left in need by him~for too long. But, because you understand the need you try to still be there for him in whatever way you can be for the moment.
The time will come when you are finally ready and when you look at the person; and have hurt for way too long and all respect will be gone; because you will realize you never really shared anything special at all. Usually that doesn’t happen until you find that love that you will appreciate and be confident in. The kind of love with truth, facts, and realness. Every person is different and each has their own time they need to work on this; but just keep in mind as long as you hold on; you are pushing real love away.
You deserve to get the love you need. You deserve to have trust in LOVE (both sides)! Trust and confidence in that person. Love isn’t fear. Love isn’t uncertain. Love doesn’t give you anxiety.
Love doesn’t feel like betrayal Love is NOT disappointment…
Betrayal is a more subtle, twisted feeling than terror.
It burns and eats, but terror stabs right through.
Love feels good! Love is the best feeling in the world. Love is friendship on fire!
It is easy to forget what love is when you have conditioned yourself to believe it is something else… So we are willing to starve ourselves of a permanent real love with someone. We only acknowledge the temporary satisfaction and holding 👐 onto something that doesn’t exist. Love doesn’t come around on occasion and leave when it’s done getting what it needs for its selfish self. Love cares!
Love is closeness and connected, love doesn’t leave you with a constant busy signal.
a letter from my heart to yours
Feeling you belong to another and they to you~ is one of the greatest feelings ever ❤ love mutually gives.
Why do you allow such a person in your life, why do you feel the need so strongly to depend on someone who doesn’t care back in the same way.
Why do you keep waiting for a person who constantly puts you in pain, and why do you not see that your happiness is worthy.
You finally begin to feel 🙂 happy, a happiness that was gone for quite a while, but for a minute you finally know you deserve more of out this life and then slowly begin to move on~ when you do, he comes running back, and you let him in once again; the cycle continues and you~are gone once again…
The free innocent Spirit is gone, the walls are back up. Why do you allow him to hurt you in this way again and again.
It’s time you stop caring about the needs of someone who brings you so much pain and start thinking about your needs!
Stop feeling responsible for him and his happiness! Start recognizing his irresponsible actions that have put your needs at the bottom of his list.
Let go of the guilt nothing you said or did caused this you have tried for over a year and even when he was absent for days, weeks, a whole summer.
This is not love, please recognize that soon or you will miss out another day, week, month, summer, year… on the opportunity of love.
You will lose your chance with someone who may love you like you deserve…
because you just refuse to stop the addiction!
******* yes, this WAS me I have been on both sides
#20years holding on because of guilt
Bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time, concentrate on creating bonds that matter with people who are of the same integrity as you. A real friend will not keep secrets for you and allow you to risk losing what you love or risk losing your integrity. Real friends who care will always think better/highly of you; and won’t want to see you sink. They will help you to choose the right way every time. Most helpful tip of all; ASK GOD for help every time you feel weak or need his guidance and support.