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Day 5 Rewiring my brain with Gratitude

One thing is for sure; in the deepest part of my soul; I am trustworthy and I think that is something I am extremely grateful for; when you are able to trust yourself and know that others can really trust you; it makes it so much easier to trust others.  I am not saying everyone in my world deserves my trust, and I have learned this the hard way, but I trust myself enough to know I can trust myself with very little uncertainty.

I love my family and my friends and I am grateful for their leadership to me, as well as my leadership to them.  I would never choose to lead my loved ones down a path that would make them unhappy; although I don’t claim to know all the answers; I still hope they will reach out to me when in need.  I have a very generous heart and I know my people in my world do too; I am grateful to have so many wise friends; quality over quantity each and every time.  I am grateful I have such a strong passion for life, I enjoy living, I enjoy working hard, and I really enjoy playing just as hard.  I am grateful for so many people in my life who love me for the person I am.  I am very hands-on, I don’t like to sit around and watch other people do things, I am not a television watcher, a book reader; don’t get me wrong there is some entertainment in that, but I am really grateful for people who live life with me.

I am thankful today for the people who take out time to just be with me, my family, my chosen family of choice, my squad… My partner in life; who wakes to work hard in this life with me, to play with me in-between; I feel so very grateful for all the great things life has to offer.  I am grateful for the energy that radiates from my spirit, I am grateful for always being so full of life and for those who put up with me.  Life is too fun to not be singing and dancing; and praising the Lord~

Grateful for my Rico who always cooks food with so much love for us; your food makes me wanna dance.  Thank you for loving me, while I cook for us as well.  I absolutely am grateful for you, always feeding my soul.  Grateful we coach each other, we teach each other, and we do everything together, since the beginning we even change our oil in the car together 😉 and it’s always fun; life is amazing everyday each day is never mundane.  I can’t wait to landscape and garden the rest of my future with you; not because I am holding on for better days but because each day is the best.

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Dating, Friendship, Prostitute, Police, who can we trust …

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Afternoon dates~ 💟💝

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Gus doesn’t mind when I have my afternoon dates with my “other love“…

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Afternoon Love

Sitting here staring at the sweet innocence in his gaze, the softness and understanding in his gesture.  Intrigued with his magnificence, wanting and yearning to know about more and more about all the legends of the “ONE“… the one, we call/ed Jesus Christ, the only KING.

Check In~

I have been here at this location of our date, before; many times since I was five years old;

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1700 Clower St, San Antonio, Texas 78201, sitting in the small chapel of adoration at St.Mary Magdalene.  St. Mary Magdalene was a very interesting woman by the way… Click here to read about Mary Magdalene makes me realize Jesus understanding to others that have been here needing his love, understanding, assistance; just like me… I may have done sin after sin; I may have done the unspeakable; who hasn’t?  When he looks at me; he doesn’t see a mistake; he doesn’t see my wrongs; he sees me his worthy one… <3

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It seems life is harder for ME; doesn’t seem like that for you?  Always getting the bad luck; the short end of the stick.  All great people have a dream; and I can tell you with certainty they all felt similar numerous times in their life; but the difference between some and all; is some NEVER give up; and they keep picking themself up again and again; and then it seems they depart….  #Truth

It is by those who we have allowed in, that hurt us the most; they know exactly how; and yet they still hurt us… the one’s we allow it set us up; fail us and even use us for their own personal gain.

Life isn’t fair; and we learn that people don’t play fair.

One of the hardest things in life; is learning about trust; learning how to trust another after being hurt and betrayed time and time again.  Learning how to trust people who don’t deserve our trust; and learning there are some who we learn are called LIARS, who don’t deserve our trust.  We often times fight to learn to trust; and after tough battles we actually learn that yes, we can trust; and sometimes when we do; we learn that people we love make mistakes and lose our trust; and they may never get it again; and the cycle is never-ending.

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As I sit here in the chapel; I think about the amazing history of Mary Magdalene a known prostitute.  Many of us would not trust the judgement of someone who would live such a lifestyle; yet the woman who many would place as the lowest of the low; was one of the most loyal souls to Jesus Christ.  #LOYALTY Jesus never looked at Mary Magdalene as if she was beneath him; she experienced Jesus love; became loyal to him; followed him to the end; to the last moments of his life; during the crucifixion; and even afterward in the  tomb.

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Loyalty isn’t easy; and I am not just talking about in monogamous relationships; I am talking about loyalty in basic everyday relationships like FRIENDSHIPS.  Are you the type of friend who stays loyal to your friend; even if you are angry you won’t throw them under the bus.  Even if you don’t understand their reasoning; you stand by to offer support.  Do you judge and talk about them when they aren’t around; if so; why; what does it do for you?  Anyone can spit like a llama, claw like a lion, and allow their words to spew with little thought; and there is a lot in this world to be angry about; but when we make the decision to blame instead of understand that should be the first sign it is time to re-evaluate.

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I really think each of us needs to ignore that “whiny” person~ that screams “me, me, me…” more and reach out to all those places we have been to find our own understanding within our own soul. Things maybe going very hard for me; and while it is so,  I know every one has their own story; they have their own struggles.  I am not a scorekeeper who wants to compare “battle scars”; but when one feels that you have to;  there are two reasons I can be sure of.

One is obviously there has been a disconnection somewhere along the friendship which is normal and common with today’s busy life.  We can’t always be there for every person who means the world to us; we have so many obligations and responsibilities.   If the person is loyal you will both work on the relationship by remembering to stay in touch by letting them know what is going on when able; so they can give you personal space and best of all support as a friend should. We don’t have “magicians or people” who can fix things we have to fix ourselves; I don’t need anyone to fix anything for me; I just need understanding, love, support; and loyalty.  If you can’t give that it is time to go.  YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE!

Two your friendship is shallow with little understanding and it is time to stop carrying another heavy weight you don’t need.  People grow, stay stagnant, and some fall the loyalty to walk away for your own personal peace is very important; at times people forget if it doesn’t matter to another you can’t make it.

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It is a sad thing to realize that you and someone who you once understood; and understood you; grow in different directions; because there will always be those sweet memories you hold on to.  You also; want that person in your life but with different experiences in life; it is easy to grow in a completely different direction.  The more life that passes us by; the more hardships we face; the more we become a person that never was before; a person with either wisdom that has been enlighted or a person with hurt who becomes bitter.  Some people are not ready to come with us on our latest journey; some people don’t have what it takes; and that is ok…

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Friends have “fall- outs”; they don’t agree on things; they get angry about decisions their friends make; feel frustrated when their advice is ignored; hurt when they feel they have been left out; sad when they are feeling misunderstood; tired of trying and getting hurt again and again by people… THAT IS WHAT RELATIONSHIPS are ABOUT !  It is ok; you keep growing together ALWAYS~ if the relationship is worth it!

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Just like one of my favorite lyrics states~ “It’s gonna take more than a bullet in the heart to take me out…”  the same goes true with trust; it is gonna take more than LIARS to take me out; taking my trust away is just that! I will take the liar out before I will allow my trust to get taken.  I know one thing when you are “true” to yourself; it is easier to know others can be true as well.

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Who or what do you trust in?

God is conceived of as the Supreme Being and principal object of faith. The concept of God as described by most theologians includes the attributes of omniscience (infinite knowledge), omnipotence (unlimited power), omnipresence (present everywhere), divine simplicity, and as having an eternal and necessary existence. Many theologians also describe God as being omnibenevolent (perfectly good) and all loving.

The truth is God has a different meaning to each of us. Some people believe in a God, many gods, and some people believe they are a god. I do however believe that trust in another can be a great thing, and many of us have learned we can trust in no-one, and will always keep us divided. If someone believes in trust; they can be trusted; they wouldn’t understand it unless they knew it.  If someone believes in trust; trust in God; and that allows them to their job protecting our community; how can we deny them that… it is so basic~ we aren’t naming their God; we are simply saying we believe….in ~

I have been helped by the police numerous times, one in particular is when I was 18 years old, kidnapped from a gas station, beaten, and raped and I will tell you something, I didn’t care what was written on their car, uniform, or tatted on their body.  I needed to believe and trust in another human being, when all fear had been fueled in me, and I was drained of my hope in the human race. Have you ever been so drained, beaten… you are afraid you will NEVER be restored! You look back and just realize how many wasted YEARS you allowed the devil to rule.  

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We can’t sit here and look at our wounds; we can’t sit at all and what~ what for, to let more time be taken away, more time to feel yourself down.  We have got to get up and do; life our own self up; we can’t allow for us to be put down and stay there; and if we fall we fight with all our might to get,  get the hell up; GET UP!

Eric Wright walked through the WHITE house without a business suit; COMPTON; had Jheri Curl dripping on Ronald Regan shoes… #stayingTrue2You

 

We have to keep pushing; even if we had it hard from the beginning; the battles get bigger the bigger we get; but some of us were just made to be HUGE; live big because no matter what, we will! WE take every set back, learn from it; and blow up bigger and badder than ever; but with more understanding and wisdom…. we need the KING on our side; the most powerful one; with the KING the Almighty on my side; I will win; maybe not now, today but definitely.

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My spiritual journey began in Adoration

A little about me… I am a MOM of 3 kids…


My oldest daughter Marisa , is 18 and the motivating factor I found my home again at St. Matthew’s Catholic Church and connected with A.C.T.S.

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My middle child and favorite son, Jay is 10, he is a passionate gamer and full of intelligence.

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Last but not least, my baby is 8 years old she is my mini me; full of creative ideas and exploding with expression.

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I left an ALMOST twenty year marriage about five years ago; I married at an emotional end of my 18th year on December 31, 1992.
Today, I am adjusting to a new relationship full of Love, Joy, Understanding, Compassion and feel blessed.

I pray often for the Lord to continue to show me the way with my overabundance of passion that exists in my home.

I have been blessed to be a huge part of the St. Matthew’s Youth Group since I was a youth; lost my way for many years, and finding myself brought back by my daughter with absolutely no direction from me, it is mysteriously wonderful. My daughter had a friend that asked her to attend Girls Night In Retreat during one of the toughest periods in our life as a family, I am convinced God placed her to with the sole motive; bring Marisa to St. Matt’s where she would find her strength in her faith; this friend is not part of the Parish and never went back to the St. Matt’s Youth Group after the initial invite.
I was blessed to be asked to chaperone Girls Night In Retreat in 2013 ~

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I was humbled as I witnessed my daughter give her first TALK/Testimony of faith,

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asked again to chaperone when my daughter was director for the Girl’s Night In retreat the following year in 2014. I was invited with an open mind and an even more importantly open heart by Carl and Michelle Weekley to be part of ALL the youth’s events from the beginning.

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Michelle always included me, one of the smartest women I have been blessed to know; she see’s the talents, and gifts God graces to everyone immediately; and allows them to shine in their own personal way. Michelle was never put off by my crazy and energetic ways, she allowed me to be myself; and accepted me wholeheartedly, no strings attached, unconditionally, and as is.

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I found my family at the Vance Jackson House

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The VJ… where I was able to witness and be proud of my daughter Marisa as I witnessed firsthand her growth in faith.

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I was called by God to my very first A.C.T.S. Retreat as an adult; in July of 2014.

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The retreat “Be Strong and Courageous. Do Not be Afraid; Do NOT be Discouraged, for the Lord Your God will Be with YOU Wherever you go!” ~Joshua 1:9 led by my wonderful beautiful Sister In Christ~Celina Gonzalez it was magnificent; it then allowed me the opportunity to be part of A.C.T.S ~ team; as one of the adults for the July 2015 St. Matt’s Teen A.C.T.S retreat, words can’t express the blessing I experienced as a part of the team that my Marisa would co-direct alongside her best friend Luis Sanchez❤.

I was a part of a very emotional, intense, last retreat as she would spend as a YOUTH. The Lord has his ways; during that last retreat, while I wondered if my journey with St. Matthew’s was coming to an end; I was asked to be on Team for the 2015 St. Matt’s Women’s A.C.T.S retreat by my wonderful amazing SIC and forever friend Michelle Medellin.

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Michelle Medellin is an amazing human being; and when I realized the team she put together along with her co-director Nelda Ortiz I was amazed; it was a team of the most amazing; and my most favorite ladies on this earth. The team was full of creativity, intelligence, humor, and love.

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I am blessed with an opportunity to share my journey with each one of you who are reading this in the way God has planned.
Everybody is called by the Lord for their own individual purpose

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  • to strengthen faith
  • to renew their faith
  • some are searching and don’t even realize it is time for their connection with God.

God is always calling each of us by name, we may not accept or respond to his call like he would love <3 but something different happened, because you are here reading this at this very moment.
The “A” in A.C.T.S. stands for ADORATION.

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Adoration is the road to intimacy with God. God is in control of our life, our blessings, doesn’t it make sense to plan for allowing a few moments, at least 20 minutes of your whole day to spend that time putting your life in perspective with the one you love, adore, and admire. God is the Master of all that exists, God is our Creator, and he is our Savior; he deserves the highest honor, the strongest admiration, and all of our respect.

ADORATION

Is about taking the time to give our Lord the True Praise and Worship he deserves. It is taking the time to be in a state of “wonder and amazement” before his presence in the Eucharist. Taking the time to get to know and understand God on a deeper level each day because it is your most important relationship. Communicating with Jesus in prayer as we share our thoughts with him, and give him appreciation!

We can’t adore what we don’t know or understand; the amazing thing is GOD wants us to know him and he wants us to tell him what is in our hearts every day. He has important things to say to us… God wants us to prosper and succeed. In the bible God tells us~

Behold, I sent you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be as wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.

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It is easy to imagine myself as a fancy harmless dove. I went to Catholic school and was taught to be nice; do onto others as you would have them do unto you! I expected the world was fair as long as I was fair.

It was never stressed to me that I needed to be wise or think like a Serpent.

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Throughout the years I have allowed my world to be surrounded by toxic people; even enabling those to remain toxic by giving them what they told me they needed. I have felt support means making those happy who most need it. I seldom put me first, and protected those I loved. Did I really believe I could protect another, YES, I did; and my nature is still very protective.

The only true Protection is by GOD, and that a truth that is PROMISED by him. The only TRUE protection is the Shield of God! Struggles are NOT against flesh and blood, they are from evil forces and powers of the dark world.

The Armor of God consist of: BELT OF TRUTH, BREASTPLATE OF as RIGHTEOUSNESS, FEET ready to put to action the gospel of PEACE, Shield of Faith, HELMET OF SALVATION, and SWORD of the HOLY SPIRIT (the Word of God.)

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It really is easy to spend my days twirling with the skilled trickery, of the hypnotic dancer ~the DEVIL when I am kept busy as life often keeps me. Growing up I imagined the ruler of the dark underworld to look ugly, the ugliest vision my mind could create during different periods of my life.

Little did I know that the Devil is always cleverly disguised in all those things I want, crave, and deeply desire. The dark evil forces are forever at work looking to devour me at my weakest, times when I was losing faith, and even during my strongest moments when doing God’s work aimed to put faith in those souls who are seeking him.

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I’d say it was elementary school age for me; that I believed to be truly devoted I had to turn my cheek nonstop; learn to be a willing victim, a martyr. Do I really believe that is what my Father God wants for me, what exactly am I devoted to? The Lord has said, doing what is right and just is more acceptable than to sacrifice. I have learned to ask myself is my dedication bringing Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Faithfulness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-control to others and me.

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As I opened my mail one afternoon, I noticed an invitation from the United States District Court, well, actually it was a subpoena. I was to appear for a civil case on January 30, 1995 at 9:00 AM in Honorable H. Garcia CourtRoom.

Juan Caballero is his legal name, I will just call him, “LOST ONE”. He was one of those sneaky serpents, I had never met him before that night. He was lying in wait, hiding from his prey, until he selected an easy target, no challenge, just overpower.

I was 18 years old when I was taken from a gas station, forced into my vehicle by a man who would show me all of the things that would become my monsters. I was forced to drive around, he held a constant grip to remain in control on my neck and head and warned me to listen to what I was told or my neck would be snapped. I was confined to a place where I had lost complete control, I immediately sensed his strongest need was for power. He didn’t seem human, he has a wild, animalistic look in his eyes. He was so full of rage, he was so out of control and all he wanted was the opportunity to gain a feeling of control and power. He knew the only way he could achieve that was by degrading and humiliating me and I wondered why, I wondered if he had a mother, grandmother, or sister, what or who made him full of so much hate.

Initially, I fought long and hard, I was losing, first my energy then my senses what would be next. As each moment drained me, I could feel his power and excitement gained strength. I could feel it in his restraint in his arms. Uncertainty never felt so dreadful, what was he trying to do, full of fear of every next move, I wondered if this was “it” would this be my last day, I thought often about my family and then back to the fight to stay alive. Mentally, I was terrorized, his favorite game was telling me how strong his arms were and then he would choke me, tell me how easy it would be to snap my neck; and laugh; each time I held onto to every breath wondering if I would have another. He raped me and continued to beat the life out of me. Many have asked if that has affected me sexually; honestly I don’t feel like I had sex with him at all.

I often felt myself wasting away…

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2 Corinthians 4 God reminds us, that we should never lose heart. Our outer self is wasting away, but our inner self is being renewed day by day. Whatever our affliction is, it will only be momentary and it is preparing us for eternal Glory beyond anything we could compare to what we know.

During the complete attack I often found myself in another place. The place was bright and what was ahead a few walks up; was even brighter and so appealing; I wondered what that way held. I came to this place numerous times, anytime I felt I couldn’t go on another minute, I found myself there again. I could feel my soul leave this plane; the world I knew, this other place was nowhere I had ever been, it wasn’t familiar; yet it was comforting. I wasn’t afraid, I felt I belonged there; almost as if that place was created just for me. I felt completely at peace, not lost. I was aware I wasn’t attached or in my body anymore; but I felt even more connected to myself. Like a waiting room, I felt a peaceful place where I was allowed a much needed rest; but only for a short moments, because I knew that if I stayed there too long; that decision would haven an effect on what I was going back to. The only uncomfortable feeling I had, was feeling a bit hurried. Like a rude awakening, I would go back to my body while I was be violated, only to figure out the newest idea to survive.

So many times during the assault; I wanted to give up; but then I would be back at my safe place; and even though each time the comfort increased and it made it harder to want to go back… I had a stronger feeling to turn back and not go forward; I couldn’t go because I had to do something very important first. I don’t know what that important thing is; but it felt like a feeling that in order to get to that place, you have to do something else first, like a strong feeling of unfinished business.

3 years after the sexual assault was the most difficult, the third year I found some relief as I was finally able to live a more normal life; able to let go mistrust I had for every male I was forced to face in my everyday living. The fear of being in close proximity of an unknown male caused panic attacks; my heart would race, my body’s uncontrollable trembling was only a reminder of the everlasting fear in my soul. When I found myself in such an intense state of fear, I knew the only way to release it was through God;

In Psalm 62

God promises our soul will find rest and salvation in him, and him alone.

When I spend more time in Adoration; looking for the truth for the purpose of Peace. I began to feel closer to Jesus, our relationship is apparent, and his goal to lead me to my ultimate JOY, the one himself, to our home in Heaven this is one amazing friendship.

The bible is a love story which tells us of God’s promises~

Psalm 10 3 we can remember that no matter what we face, he promises to crown each one of us with love and mercy with crown, a Paradise Crown! We all know how great a new outfit or pair of shoes feels, well this crown is from Heaven; can you imagine the superior feeling we will sense as this crown is placed on our spirit; we can’t even begin to understand. He also promised that we will be wrapped in goodness-eternal beauty. Our youth will be renewed, in his presence we are ALWAYS young.

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This night my soul was filled with so much fear and anxiety; I didn’t realize would become a part of me, as long as I would allow. Genesis 19 tells me the way; it is up to me when I will accept; I need to Let Go of the Fear of Letting Go and give it to GOD!

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When I pray and meditate on the word of God and give my fears to God he takes them from me. I have learned to let go of my fear through Prayer! Seems easy enough; LOL; it’s not; it’s amazing what I would still hold; I soon learned letting go of fear gets easier with practice.

The LOST ONE plead guilty after his arrest; it was bitter-sweet he would get a lighter sentence-30 years maximum, I was consoled with the fact I wouldn’t have a court hearing; I wouldn’t have to face him again; I wouldn’t have to re-live the night again in front of a judge or jury. As I read the subpoena it gave me a number to call; as I waited for my call to be answered I was full of anger; disbelief; what was the purpose, was this fool trying to take what little dignity I had left?

I have always been told, God will never give me more than I can handle. Really, God had so much confidence in me! I can’t even count the number of times I have felt completely defeated,

Remember in 1 Peter 5:10

We are reminded that we all have our season of suffering, but he tells us when our season is complete, God in all his grace will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish each one of us. We will be stronger than ever before, for he is preparing us to be the Greatest we can be.

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When the time was right, I understood as I watched myself able to overcome obstacles with a new strength giving me the ability to achieve numerous greater plans God had planned for me. God loves me, even when I haven’t loved him back. I spent a great deal of my time angry during my struggles, angry enough to ignore God. There is NO WAY I could ever push him away though, no matter how hard I tried, because God dwells in me. Once I learned to quiet my mind with much practice, I began to meditate. Meditation has always been a favorite place I go to and find truth I have yet to find elsewhere. As a child, I attended grade school at St. Gregory’s…

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Our sister set up a card table with a draping over it, we each had a turn during the month to sit; no visual distractions; just me and God; that is where I first found him. God’s truth comes, not when I want, but at his time, his timing is perfect because that is when it is the most effective.

During my weakest moments during my life I would find myself again and again walking into the house of God each time was completely different. I always held on to my faith God was present, and I would be sure to show my true presence no matter the state I was in. I walked into church, the small chapel in the church we call ADORATION because I was taught as a young child I was in his true presence before the Blessed Sacrament. I had faith that the only physical reality here on this earth of the body and blood of Christ, along with the soul and divinity of Jesus Christ was right there in front of me.

I needed to be front and center in the face of Jesus to let him know what I was feeling and no matter what I believed. The truth was I felt so destroyed, I turned Eighteen in June, my boyfriend committed suicide in front of me on the 4th of July, in August, my dad who I was raised by would marry a woman I didn’t get along with at all; and felt was coming between my dad and me; the only relationship I valued. I found myself looking for belonging, leaving my dads home angry and moving in with a local gang; with other lost souls trying to find their own place as well. December came I was kidnapped and assaulted; a few weeks later I married someone I had only known for a few months. I found myself in ADORATION angry and completely full of doubt. I imagined screaming at the top of my lungs at God; so powerful I’d make the statues shake, break; and all the lit candles would flicker out by my rage. Then, as I sat; a peace would overcome me; I would find myself asking for help; anger was doing nothing for me; and I just wanted to feel better; I asked for happiness and protection; I didn’t feel I could take ONE more hit. I was so done, I would go and cry, cry, and cry and wonder how he could watch and allow me to completely fall apart maybe I was not worthy.

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I have lost count of all the times I have gone to ask for Gods assistance with my numerous needs and pleas. Here I thought he was ignoring me; when all along each time the devil was ready to strike; writing this journey brought tears to my eyes when I looked back and realized how my Lord held me so tight; comforted me; and gave me the power to go on; and only NOW do I see; HE WAS ALWAYS WITH ME!

Each time I entered the house of God with my destructive; shameful feelings, I can tell you I never left his house with those feelings. Sometimes when I left adoration, the Holy Spirit was so powerful I would find a new-found strength stirred up in my spirit that would give me a drive to go find a soul who was in a low place and assist them by speaking the truth. I learned, the true meaning of understanding is found in truth; it only comes from the enlightenment that experience brings. True appreciation that comes from inside our soul, is a true gift from above, that gift is Peace.

My FAITH shall be bigger than any fear! Thinking about Jesus struggles, his death so that I am REDEEMED, and then his Resurrection is his reminder I can have a new life a new spirit.

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My phone call was answered, I found out that he was trying to make a case against the San Antonio Police Department for brutal force during his arrest after he assaulted me. My mind quickly took me back to the night when all I could remember was his sweat, the disgust that filled my mind that reminded me how unclean another person can make you feel. I thought about his darkness, it gave me a sick feeling knowing such evil forces are at work in this world.

It is those moments in my life, when I have found a new strength, the moments I feel I have been lifted high spiritually the devil always attacks; including each time I worked on this talk to share with each of you.

Ya know what, I felt ready to face him; I was ready I wanted to let him know I could look right at his face; those soul-less eyes and fight for justice and let him know he didn’t haunt me anymore. He did not hold any power over me.

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I would use my voice to empower me; which would then give me a strength to be a voice in court for the abused; and remind parents who were stuck in a state of fear I knew so well they held the power.

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The day I walked into the courtroom I looked directly at him; and he looked so small; so pathetic, he looked like a small pinto- bean that I could smash with a spoon. He smirked at me, he tried to intimidate me; his facial expressions held the same wickedness that made me remember once again what it felt like being under evil’s control. His eyes snared at me with a proud confidence that he was able to forever poison my heart. My neck began to ache, as I wasn’t sure how to release the stress my neck held.

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The “lost ones” antics would not work I would not allow him to take one more thing from me, this time I was in control!

I testified from the point that the officers yelled he was under arrest, as they read him his Miranda rights he began to fight the officers, punching, hitting, kicking, refusing to be handcuffed, making his legs limp as he refused to walk, he would make them carry him from every point all the way to the patrol car while he spat and yelled out vile words. When the officer told him he was under arrest for sexual assault he began to laugh wickedly and in-between yelling, “It won’t stick, I’ll get out of it, he continued threats to the officers, their wives, and family.

I continued to testify how the officers used as much force as required to place a crazy wild deranged man into the rear cage of the police car.

Making the decision to face your fears is one of the hardest things in life; it is fear itself that freezes us; fear is what closes my heart. Fear will break me if I allow it; but fear can make me If I conquer it. I have learned I see things exactly how I allow myself to see. When I think about fear and how much of my time it has consumed; I’d rather face it and destroy it, fight; I will not allow my being to be sacrificed; and remind myself that as often as I have to.

Yes, there have been times I have personally felt I fought a hard fight and still completely got my butt kicked. The reality eventually settles in; I lost this battle; God is the ONLY way I have found rest, there are plenty ways to distract myself legal and illegal; and I have tried them all. There are some powerful escapes out in the world; but their power is deceiving and will only work for a short period of time there is no power in this world that is greater than the one living in me. The only true advice, is pick myself up from way down there, pray to Jesus-the one who saved ME, ask and allow the Holy Spirit into my soul. The only true LOVE I NEED, is already there; how can I not find my peace and confidence.

St. Matthews Adoration is open 24 hours 7 days a week. The Blessed Sacrament chapel can be found on the left side behind the church, there is a pathway between the Administration Building and the Parish Hall.

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Holy Spirit Catholic Church Perpetual Adorationimage

I am here because I have something great to do on this earth; I refuse to waste any energy on fear.

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I found a new desire to protect others! I had jobs working at Child Protective Services keeping families together, working with the abused and neglected children, I then found myself at San Antonio Housing Authority which would make me an expert on subside housing; I was then led to Haven for Hope with my knowledge to assist the homeless to find their own home. Each place gave me a greater opportunity to give hope to those who lost it.

I spent my days working all over the city specifically the areas of our city where it was ridden with poverty and abuse. I am not meaning to offend; I know there is abuse and violence in wealthy households; even our Police battle domestic violence in their own homes. My story doesn’t consist of those though; I worked through my fears in the projects on the West and East side of San Antonio, fighting my fears with cat-calls and vile language by addicts and men who just had no direction. I fought my fears with REDIRECTION. I would redirect with the truth, I began to stop at any church, chapel in the area I was working in for the day; during my lunch, I would take a few minutes or the complete hour if needed.

I felt a peaceful calm at the altar as soon as I would kneel; showing my admiration to the Almighty; I would begin my prayers for my needs, the needs of my family, friends, each family I was working with that day, and each individual I ran into that needed prayer in their own way. As I would study the body of Christ on the cross, I found myself in deep thought how Jesus must have also been afraid, wondering about all the must have felt his last day and moments on that cross. Feeling such strong feelings of admiration as I looked at Jesus in all his humble ways; so loving and perfect, and carried that cross, his struggle was for me. I would look at the Monstrance which is what we call the vessel used to display our Eucharistic host, I’d watch the flicker of the flames on each candle to me which represented hope, positive energy, and the smell reminds me of my faith in God…

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Jeremiah 29 tells us that we are promised when we seek him, we WILL find him.

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It isn’t uncommon to walk out of church with a charge to your soul, super charge of courage. I started to begin to appreciate the different feelings and energy I felt from each unique altar, I could feel the spirit of others who had left their doubts, fears, and sorrows right there under the cross. Some left pictures I would assume a loved one in need, each candle represented it’s very own intention, and beautiful flowers of gratitude left behind. I felt empathy for every soul I thought of; it made me want to help them. It made me want to get myself as strong as possible so I could find the magic forces that would spring positive energy into me; so if I could help another find the faith they needed to find their own truth and peace.

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11 years after the year of the assault he was released from prison. It was 2006 he had been stalking a woman for a few weeks, he broke into her house, and approached her with a knife, a plastic bag, and met his new victim. I was watching TV, the news that night and I froze as I saw his face flash on the screen.

A would-be burglar is recovering from a head injury in custody Friday morning, after he was driven off by a baseball bat-wielding homeowner. Police said the female homeowner woke up to find a man in her house, so fearing for the safety of her toddler daughter, she grabbed a baseball bat that was near the couch she was asleep on. Officers said the suspect approached her from her kitchen, she then cracked him over the head with the bat. The suspect fled the scene, but was soon caught found bloody hiding in a shed. The suspect is being treated for his head injury, and then will go before a judge to face charges.

2 years after that NEWSFLASH I received a phone call from the District Attorney Susan Reed. It was 2008 at this time in my life, I was at the point where I would be graduating from college; UTSA with my degree in Psychology my final project had a REQUIREMENT: it would need to be PUBLICLY DISPLAYED, using Gloria Anzaldua’s 7 Stages of Conocimiento~ A Reason to Keep Going! I decided I would take the rest of my last months in school; Healing the Latina Within. I was at a place in my life where I felt grounded more than ever, spiritually full of the Holy Spirit, I had been educated on grief and life adjustment issues. I felt ready to break down any walls that were holding me back from being the best me I could. While, I no longer trusted the universe; I trusted myself and I trusted Jesus! “Jesus I trust in thee!” My soul was in a deep creative mode; I felt ready to let go of all that was familiar and even more ready to create my new reality.

The call from the District Attorney’s office was asking if I would be willing to be a witness for his latest victim trial. I immediately said all I knew was, I needed to meet her, I just wanted to hug the woman who beat him on the head with a bat, and I wanted to hear all the details hoping to myself the bat was metal. When I met Courtney our eyes met and I could immediately feel a bond between us as we shared the same look deep in our eyes that held a fear but a strength. She told me how a friend of her brought that bat over just a few days before, and said since she was a young single mom; she needed protection; she laughed and found it humorous; she never thought again about the bat; that would save her life.

The office of the D.A. explained I was the only way to prove sexual assault intent, since he didn’t actually assault her, he would basically get away with a slap on the hand without my testimony.

A couple of weeks later, I made my way from the waiting area room, the bailiff escorted me to a full Court room. Court was in session and I was called in to testify. I felt like I was entering a huge metal cage but the lion in me was gone as I felt the intense pressure of so many expressionless eyes all upon me. There was a jury sitting on the right; both sides of the room were full of people I didn’t know, I wondered what they heard, what they were thinking. As I made my first few steps into the room our eyes met, there “he” was he looked up and saw me entering the room; I will never forget that moment. The last time I saw him in court he was smirking at me with so much arrogance, this time when he saw me; his face dropped; he shook his head as if his worst nightmare had walked into the room. He shook his head, “no, in disbelief,” he looked as if all the confidence he held was zapped from him and he just knew that it was all over,” what a feeling. He was looking for power that night; he took mine; but little did I know it would empower me; and every look of my face would deplete him of his power.

Proverbs 21 promises when Justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.

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As I walked to the stand it seemed like the longest walk of my life; I felt my legs shaking, the air I inhaled, exhaled was brought to my attention and seemed a strange struggle. My body trembled and I wondered how my legs would hold me up because I felt my body so heavy; and would I be able to find the balance I needed to orchestrate them to do a motion for the first time ever seemed difficult… to walk.

In 2 Corinthians we are told we walk by faith; and that is what happened.

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The walk to the judge began, my eyes projected the seat I was motioned to sit at. I held on tight to my essence; as I began to fight a real intense tremendous fear. I used the judge as my focus, I was finally seated. The effort to get to the stand was overwhelming, and then when I finally got there; I was shocked when I swore in and heard my voice echo like thunder; it seemed so loud with the mic; I knew everyone would hear every word articulated, every emotion my words held. The questioning began I began to emotionally and verbally relive the complete assault, how I was taken; every detail done to me; how I feared for my life, and how I still live with the fear even today. As I tried to connect and make eye contact with the jury as I was instructed; I saw men looking at him in disgust; he didn’t represent being a man; and that reminded me once again; not to judge another. I saw different stories in the faces of each individual jury member; real emotions; maybe some holding past fears, each one cried at different parts of my journey, I saw compassion in the eyes of another soul who felt empathy, sorrow, disgust, and even pride when I shared the times I had learned to pick myself up time and time again. I found myself extremely emotional as I felt each connection with another human being I never even knew I would face that day; and may never face again. I felt it was my time for my story to be told, and it was our time together to make a difference. When I realized I was done; the District Attorney and the team had smiles of pride knowing after my emotional testimony, the verdict was automatically in! I stood up, I walked away tired but elevated. Courtney and I glanced at each other; with a tearful smile; knowing we did it; and would forever hold a special place in our souls for one another that no one else could quite understand. Even with my neck pains, I held my head up high as I walked away. He may have refused to lift his eyes or his head even; but my purpose was to prove intent, and that I did!

I walked out of the courtroom with a courage raised higher than ever before, I felt a good power. The kind of power that is achieved, not won by luck; not bought with money; not gained through inheritance, and not stumbled upon.

The phenomenal elevation pushed me to go inspire others with the realization that each and every one of us holds a power within given from every tragedy faced to encourage another soul with an understanding only the completely defeated can understand.

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If my spiritual testimony of faith has inspired at least just one other soul to find or strengthen their faith we can all celebrate giving thanks in adoration finding a new life and renewed spirit.

Luke 7 will forever echo in our mind, “Your Faith has saved you; Go in PEACE.”


Michele Renee

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Will u recognize me?

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Call my name?
or walk on by?

Don’t You Forget About Me

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When the time comes as it surely will, when I complete “the” grand task the great Lord has put me on this earth to complete… I will be gone ~
 image                I am so excited I will be going home

 I will be running/flying to heaven like a bat outta hell! 👻
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I wonder how old I will be, I wonder how old my kids will be.

I know I will be at peace and I will be waiting to see you again, when it’s your time to come home.
image Thinking about me leaving this world places me in a different mode more aware of my missed moments with those i care for.  I’m usually flighty, giggly, and dreamy I tend to live in my perfect fantasy world.

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The truth is the moment maybe shorter than expected, none of us know when Or how it “death” will happen. I know when I think about it the main feeling I have at this moment is… Realizing the importance of my time with those so dear to me. My kids, significant other… all the people who mean the world to me I wish we could all leave at the same/exact time, together!  ~ I Hope my loved ones are left with a sweet smile and maybe a little breathless laughter with the memories of me.
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I hope they can truly find peace in remembering all the moments we were blessed to have shared with one another.

You+me= laughter, understanding, feeling, and that is the good life
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image You know that feeling when you are so freaking content because you feel appreciated and you appreciate all the blessings that surround you.
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I never want to be remembered by the state i was in during my more terrible/harder periods in my life. I want to be remembered for my strength that no matter how hard life hits us at times, – we create our own peace of mind.
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Just as you have probably had, I too have had more than my share of hard times, those periods that dwell for what seems like sometimes~ forever. You wonder if it’s possible for things to ever get better.
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When I began working at Child Protective Services i think the hardest part was not allowing my emotions to get to me so that the job didn’t become my life.  LOL; you know as to not get involved after work hours because I had a life with my family.

After spending my days and many nights with children who are living their days in a way that many would consider is beyond any worst nightmare. You find yourself falling in love with their innocence and their willingness to forgive. You see the soul that has for years been drained of their hope.  You see the way they have adapted to neglect, and put up walls after abandonment.  You see how they lost trust for everyone and you wish you could make their world different in that instance.  You find yourself caring with all you have because it isn’t a job this is another soul.  You care, and they begin to see it… You show them after time you can be accountable; and they learn to trust even if its just for a bit; you realize you are giving them a little love that is in demand!!!!  You care because they matter! They begin to feel they matter…You then realize you have the ability to make another soul feel worthwhile by simply being a friend. Do you see how easy it is to find beauty in even the ugliest circumstances.
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~ it’s impossible to say any one of us in this world has it harder than the other… Because the truth of life is, we are all going to get knocked down by others too many times. When I leave this world  if I have convinced my loved ones of some of the greatest truths = it’s still always up to us in the end how we feel.
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Every step you take each day, take optimism along with you, that is how you make your happiness a reality!

Know you are the best, know your family is the best, know your friends are the best, and know you deserve only but the best!!!!

Even when we know we are worthy we still always must remember there is always room for growth.  I will continue my days becoming the best “ME” possible.  Currently I am working on, humility.  Reminding myself everyday that I really need to have

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More God and less me!

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Even though I am the best me possible; you are the best YOU.  I really don’t understand how women can be so competitive with each other.  When I see a woman achieve it makes me happy; it paves the way for many more women to be great.  WE need to let go of animosity toward others and what they have vs. what you have; just stop competing.  We have hate in this world because we allow it! Look at all the things you don’t like and make a positive difference about it.  If my loved ones realize they have the ability to make a Difference, that is the only way a difference will be made.

If I had to believe my time was near… I’d say I’d leave a legacy of people who know that I am on their side 😀