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V.E.D. forever young 🔫 of July

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I remember when you gave me this picture!

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I can count on one hand how many times I have been able to look at it, without completely falling apart. I do have to say it’s never been on the 4th of July or on your birthday in September.

It’s amazing that about 5 years back I went to meet up with a medium because I was so distraught and searching for answers. I had never met this lady in my life, and she told me you were there. How amazing that she would tell a 35 year old woman that a young boy who looks to be about 18 Years old was standing next to me. The last time we were together we were 17 years old.

I asked her what you were doing and she told me that you were at peace and I needed to be at peace too. She told me you appreciated our long drives in the little white car. I was shocked! You wanted to thank me because I was exactly what you needed at that time during the end of your days of your life here on earth. You thanked me for the deep talks and told me I needed to let go of the sadness I held onto in your memory and work on finding my own peace.

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That is when I lost it, because I don’t care who could’ve told me different, that is the moment I knew you were in the room, saying just what I needed to hear to know that you were really there.

Thank you for visiting with me and I thank God for allowing you to be there with me for the short time you were saying all the things I needed to hear at that moment, like you always did in the past.

Victor this is so hard to say, it’s so hard to feel, but I need to say and feel this. I need to remember every few years…. But, I need it especially today. Each time I think “this is it”, closure your back on the 4th of July to haunt me and remind me you will never be a closed chapter in my life.

I thank you for making me laugh, smile, and always think! I can never find peace in the way you let go of you, the world, your friends, your sisters, us.

The way you left me is still a vivid nightmare I can’t release from my head. I am so sorry for the stupid games we played. We never thought pass the moment, it was an intense expression that we didn’t understand. The way we discussed at no end how this world was unfair, hard, and didn’t seem worth the effort. I am sorry we were both so unhappy and confused at that time in our young life that we believed, that was it! I had no clue at that time how to see the world different even though I tried, I really did.

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The night you took your life you told me you had fallen in love with me. You shared how you had been hurt when you loved before. You opened up to me and told me all about “her,” (your first love), her accident, her father, you told me you were ready finally ready to let go and completely ready let me in. I believed you! I saw the truth in your eyes, and I will never forget the last thing you did before you held up that gun to your head, was kiss me tenderly with feeling. Omg we were between so many trees under the stars and the moon was shining just the way I love it. You grabbed my face, and I could see The Real raw love in your eyes it was so exciting. You gently placed your lips on mine and for the first time I knew it was real. We had spent every day with each other that summer but that was the moment for the first time I was convinced, and ready to let you in as well.

You called me your girlfriend for a while, you had posters of me in your room, but finally that was the moment I felt the connection. Or was that what I was feeling?

The night sounds grew crazy, night sky continued to light the lake, and everyone of us were shocked and afraid. I wouldn’t let you go, I couldn’t because if I let go of your body then it meant it was real and forever. I believed strongly that if I held you I could remain with you as long as time would allow. When Joe John was giving all he had to breathe breath into your body, I knew you weren’t in there anymore because I could feel you above us, watching, sad, but unable to rewind time. I felt you with me on my side not in the body I clung to. I felt you didn’t want to leave, regretted your action, and I felt your sorrow. All those feelings live so strongly in me and come to life when I remember.

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I am sorry I didn’t say the right words to to keep you safe.

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Thank you for driving around, laughing, smoking, and letting me play all the music I wanted…. The Eagles, Steve Miller Band… Commodores all the old school classic rock I played when I talked about my parents when I was little. I love you!
Michele Renee

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2nd Marriage, Cheating, and Socrates ;), the next one

What is it that causes love insecurities?  I feel very secure within my self; and I honestly don’t have any doubts about my significant other finding a better replacement.  I know I am a treasure; honest; true, loyal; hardworking, funny, caring; and understanding.  When it comes to comparing me there is no comparison to his previous relationship.
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Yet still, I have this awful dreading issue regarding his past lovers; and how I fear during my insecure moments he loved those hers greater and more intense than me.  Yes, that bothers me; because in every avenue i go down; I realize I am and will never be his first in so many ways that I would like to be.  It is like that when you meet later in life.  In fact, not only am I not his first but I often wonder if I even come close to the feelings he had before and that makes me sad.  I feel so deeply in love that I want to be the one who gave him all the best of all the “bestest moments“.  I have allowed his ex wife “HER” to get into my head with her, “everything he has done for you he’s done for me”, ***bull shit she has thrown.  You are so stupid if you think I am getting “left-overs” the man I love is always new and improved; and that is viewing only the past four years.

I really am sorry, well not sorry;  it didn’t happen for you. I guess a simple legal piece of paper isn’t the magic wand after-all.  **NO COMPARISON at all…we share honesty, fun, respect and loyalty ; the best things in life that were absent from your relationship together.
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He made the decision to not only love someone else before; but even the decision to marry that other entity.
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LOL  I know for me; when I first married; it was not a thought out decision; it was more of an extreme spontaneous decision.
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Growing up; I spent my whole life imagining my wedding; my future husband; my future family and it was/is nothing I dreamed or imagined, its even greater.  The plain truth of the matter is; when I married I was eighteen; dumb and on a massive roller coaster ride of emotions.
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I am older, much more intelligent and wise.  When I married the first time, I spent a lot of my time depending on simply hope.  I think the difference this time around is that I am making a decision to want to marry and spend my life with someone else with much more wisdom and experience.
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I have always known I was always a pretty flower; and I am not talking about my outter shell.

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Today,  I really feel like a beautiful garden of flowers with so much more beauty, aroma; and strength.
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During my first marriage, I was a bundle of fear; who had the capacity to hurt in ways I would soon learn are not only noneffective; but permanently damaging to my integrity; my soul; and my partner.
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I felt perfect; and believed it was my mission to find someone who saw all my perfections.  I now know that I am perfectly imperfect and would love to share my complete perfectly imperfect soul with another soul who see’s my perfections and my imperfections and loves me just the same.

Someone who would feed my soul when I am thirsty, and shield me when I am weak, I realize I am expecting so much more than before.  Much more intense
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Every day I am alive, I want to grow and blossom to my fullest potential God will allow…
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I refuse to settle on just any other soul and deprive myself of love!

Awesome, real, intense; world shaking kinda love, won’t settle for anything less!

The kind of love that feels so intense that thoughts of fear, jealousy, happiness, respect, anger, pride, hate, love, laughter, loyalty, faith, envy, and curiosity enter your thoughts in more ways than you can quite imagine.
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Never allowing blinders and vow to never allow damaging denial.  The bride who went in the first time wearing that white beautiful veil (I always dreamed of) left the body
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and this bitch
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wants to see everything she is getting herself into.  A second marriage is made in a completely different mind set; and I do have to say this feels more like a choice a major choice. Two words can validate this, this time there are kids involved!

After spending so many years giving up on love; and settling for treatment neither of us deserved; I realized I deserve better for myself; he deserves better, and my kids deserve better! I make the decision to get everything I learned from birth to the present moment and make a choice to not only love again; but to realize I am in control of who completely rocks my world; and who will be graced with me rocking their world.
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Life flies by, I think about my childhood and I can’t even remember it ; I dream about high-school and it is one big blink.  I see my oldest child graduate
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I am in shock I would love to have one day of her childhood back to enjoy her innocence.
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Time is temporary; the moment is already lost; I will never allow my life to be a gamble in a losing game.
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We live we learn and a lot of times we lose but life’s tragedy’s or less appealing sides shouldn’t dictate who I am left to be or become.  It has also been true for me that there has been times in my life I had more than enough money to make me happy; and times when I had so little money I wondered how I would survive.  One thing is for sure; I would rather live with simple happiness everyday than anything that makes me need more and want more for some temporary happiness.
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Physical admiration is always appreciated but it doesn’t change the fact we are all progressing in our years and soon enough one will no longer be the most fit, young, beauty in the room.
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We don’t lose our beauty as we age; we can allow ourselves too; but one thing is for sure; I want to always be seen as getting more beautiful with age.  (I guess what I learned is that I gotta work hard on the “me“,  the inner me.  (((mind before body)))
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I want love, I have love, I won’t live without love.  I want/have/won’t live without a best friend, someone to share life with; my second self again.  I want to continue to work with our imperfections and not bash each other but help each other to grow, and have a hell of a lot of bad ass fun while doing it.
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I pray that everyday I will continue to allow myself to become a better improved version of who I was yesterday.

I pray that my family continues to guide each other with reflection of all our choices, ideas, and thoughts with an increased knowledge from our own personal growth.

inner doubts creep up like the snakes they bring
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fears try to make you their bitch,
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life basically life…
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 The cycle of love will not be broken~  If you want something in a relationship, create it; don’t wait for it to happen because you will be waiting for it to happen for as long as you will allow and time is precious.

Love doesn’t just happen; you make it happen.  Life is hard enough as is; if a person makes it harder you are hanging around the wrong person.  There are a few so dear to me; that I see are chasing the wrong person; or hoping for a fantasy that doesn’t exist with this wrong person.

We can dream about soulmates and we can be soulmates but our souls will need a deep connection the kind of connection that makes you ONE.  If you want loyalty, love, honesty, trust…. you have to be loyal, love, honest and true.

When people cheat; its a choice they make; they are craving someones attention; usually feeling very lost and broken.  A person who cheats is obviously not valuing the relationship and not putting much value on themselves either.  When you are true and honest, full of love; you gain a respect; you care for that other person and would never want them hurt.  You also value your relationship you won’t risk it for just anybody; especially some fly by night.  

By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”  Socrates hahahaha quoting one of my favorites…. `  (been on both ends to this date);)

“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. “
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