It gets to a point when all the emotions about particular things have settled, that you can clearly see the reality of how things will be with a true conscious. We can’t change people or make people want to try all we can do is accept things as they are. When we stop trying to make things happen, we realize we feel less rigid and at the same time, we feel less paralyzed.
Life seems to be easier when we numb our selves and ignore what we don’t want to face, but the Lord seems to place more of that in our face because we were not made to stay in the same ways. Life is not always calm and relaxed like we would want, life takes on a rhythm of its own.
Sometimes we do need to take a break, stand back from the whole situation to see what the situation really entails, and not just what our emotions are telling us the situation is about. It is so easy to compare the current to the past due to our mentality. I know, there are certain people in the past who have meant the world to me, but I had to let them go because they didn’t allow me to grow. They didn’t want me to think any differently than what they wanted me to believe how things were supposed to be. People who didn’t allow me to have beliefs of my own, or never appreciated the individuality of me or others.
The truth is, we are not going to like everybody in this world, there are certain people who were married into my family that it took me years to tolerate. Why do we put up these barriers between our tribe? Some of us come from different states, different backgrounds, and we decide we aren’t going to give them the time of day, or just press into our self how completely annoying they are to us. Sometimes marriage brings a whole tribe of them and that can be overwhelming, and all of a sudden they are your sisters, brothers, or cousins.
What makes others feel they are so entitled to sit there and act like they are sacrificing so much because they are basically just sitting there and tolerating another human being who is brought into the pack by another member. How about finding a deeper level of contemplation. It isn’t easy, believe me, there are still some people I have to psyche myself up when I know they will be there, but I will try, I will always try for those I love.
NO, I wasn’t always so accepting, and some days; It still is a struggle, but it took a lot of years with God showing me I had to be. I had to try and focus on the good of a person if I was really going to make a difference at all; and you know what my tribe deserves peace. The world is full of so much bullying and hate, why do we keep it around our family and friends when we don’t have to? Everyone is put in our lives to teach us something, we need to trust God’s plan and NOT act like we know more than he does.
When we realize what it is about others that bother us, we will truly see how much it reminds us of someone we truly love like a parent or even our own self. Sometimes, we learn it is better to just leave people alone and that is one thing I have a hard time doing because I personally have issues with being left out by my own family. It isn’t easy to let go or deal with others who stir our feelings of jealousy, envy, and overbearing people who are one of my nemesis.
Some people really don’t want that interaction, and that is where I am learning and will give them their space. I know sometimes, I want my own space too; so that I can understand.
We have pieces of situations, bits of our own past always come to play, and bits of unrecognizable new information that we need to try and understand to form a new puzzle; solving a puzzle is never easy but it is truly worth it for all involved when things at least start to make sense.
We are told to respect those who work hard. Everyone in this world has many different jobs, we can spend a single day wearing so many different hats.
During different times in our life, the jobs change as well. One thing is true for each job we have ever had or will ever hold; we have to allow the force to take control that will drive us to show exactly what we are capable of.
There are many “victims” out there, who are waiting for the next person to “save them” or “rescue them” and finish off what needs to be complete but refuse to do it themselves. Don’t waste your life waiting around for another to always do for you. Every relationship takes work, if you can anticipate what is needed for your relationship, work and fulfill it. Many point fingers, many blame, and then wait for things to unravel, disintegrate, and then start begging and pleading for help, do it first, from the beginning, and if you didn’t, start in the middle, just start !!!!
There are people who come into our lives and open our eyes, we see things clearer. Those who warn you are usually looking out for your own good because they love you, like our parents should have. If someone is looking out for you, they are working for you in the highest regard because of love.
Things won’t always be easy, but hard work and dedication keeps people to stay even when things get tough, rough, and sometimes ugly.
And it makes people leave when you realize they don’t !
Most importantly, wake up tomorrow and do it better, how can this be better today; learn from all the mistakes of before. The bible tells us “TEST EVERYTHING. HOLD ON TO THE GOOD. AVOID EVERY KIND OF EVIL”
Life comes with daggers flying at us, we have to stay motivated to be at peace. If people aren’t working on what they complain about urge them too, staying idle is what the world tends to make us do, encourage our loved ones when weak.
Continuing this wonderful LOVE journey; learning love better on the daily… Today lesson makes me think about the importance of understanding.
Proverbs 13:15 teaches us that UNDERSTANDING always wins favor. The way of the unfaithful will always be hard; and then people wonder why love is hard. Love isn’t hard; it’s about understanding; taking the time to understand something or someone that is different than what we know. I think more times than not people just want us to do what they say, without much thought about reason; and if it’s even working as is doesn’t matter they just keep doing the same things yet except a difference.
Are we so smart and perfect that we just expect the world to adjust to our own way of thinking?
Maybe that is where the problem is… and more times than not, that is why fools remain fools, and people cycle around that vicious circle of same issue different soul…
Inquiring minds always want to know and Michele Renee well, that is me! I’ve spent my life sharing honesty, 💯, real , raw, yup; an open book. Sharing everything I understand and all I completely try to and will without a doubt get to!
The last few months has taken me on a journey unlike any other, searching and trying to hold on to the sweet memories of the past; but also learning to let go and accept the fact, the past is the past!
It’s always easy to remember the memories with golden sprinkles of excellence but the truth is the existence lives in my brain the way I decide to keep it, and the truth is, it’s gone!
The last few decades I begged God, send me love and in so many strange ways he did. Finding love in so many ways made me realize it wasn’t found on the outside, but within.
A few months ago I was hurt really bad in love and I didn’t want God to ever send me love again I just wanted to love, understand love and learn it on a whole new level…ask and you shall receive! When you give love though it definitely comes back twofold!
A better me begins each day and along the way God sends me new people to love and appreciate, it doesn’t mean any of the others are less worthy it’s just I follow my heart and trust and it’s always the way it should be. As most people will say I hold high energy, loving each day with a thrive, my peeps are always the ones with that high energy climb…. mistakes are being made but together we are learning and making adjustments because we matter individually, paired, and in unison.
Living with haters who wanna watch a fall , lol makes us laugh harder and appreciate the struggle in all ….
There are a lot of fake people who act like they love us and have our back but the truth shows, love doesn’t have conditions. I know we get mad when life doesn’t work as we planned but it isn’t our plan it’s God’s plan! It’s not about reading a few bible verses and believing it and stopping there! Let’s think about living the word on the daily even when it’s not in our selected favor, the one we believe should be happening when we want it to.
I’m sorry if I hurt you, our understanding maybe done but I never meant to hurt you. If you look at me and it creates a negative emotion within that’s not what it was ever suppose to be about. I don’t understand why life happens the way it does but this year more than ever I pray for peace and understanding and if someone is stuck in their own belief system, there isn’t much compromise there.
When you spend the last few years struggling and losing everything you worked hard for and held onto you learn to really just love what you have today and enjoy this moment.
Yesterday was never better than today and tomorrow will be even greater. Fuck that motto, “There are no guarantees!” We hold the power to be greater than before and that is a guarantee! The moment you let go of the control to be better is the moment you will skip, fall and miss it!
I’ve spent the last few months with all those people I know who remind me its time to thrive ! The haters around just remind us all that we’ve just arrived earlier so all we can do is hope one day they get there too and if not, sucks for them! 😂
In every fight the struggle is different and only quite a few embrace that and learn it enough to appreciate the blessed finish!
I’m on my way and loving each day, at last !
I have always been honestly blunt and as much as I love words and talk without much pause I’m learning too! The things we say can echo on and on for an eternity, and people give me their words and I take them for truth when actually they can often be a bunch of beliefs that only live in their head. So working on speaking only words of encouragement, hope, and always truth and if we can’t be that in each other, chapter ends! Sorry for the terrible things I’ve said in anger to you if I’ve ever hurt you. I am learning when I’m emotional, I need to talk to God first!
I am angry at life for taking me on an unexpected journey. I am frustrated with friends who love me with conditions, angry when I don’t do what they say, unforgiving people who have flaws of their own. I am sad when loved ones demand and expect me to give when I’m trying so hard to just make it to the next day. When I give myself to one which I rarely do and they can delete a part of me from a certain side of their life for whatever reason they feel necessary, and act as if they are unaware. I’m hurt by times I’ve giving my love away and made myself believe it was reciprocated, and not just during convenience of desire.
I believe I haven’t quite received the level of love that keeps me secure because I have a little more to learn to reach that level. It’s amazing to realize every single one of us has the same instructions on finding true and secure love, 1 Corinthians 13 tells us the way.
We can’t just preach and sing of the word if we don’t really learn how to truly love one another. We must learn that we are not greater than any other, we all have different gifts, we all contribute in our own individual ways. Many of us have the opportunity to shine bright in the day sky for the world to see, while others shine just as bright in the night sky while most are asleep.
The truth is no matter what we have done or do, when we leave nothing if it isn’t done from love. If we spend our time with others but feel no love, we can walk away and truly say it was nothing.
Love is patient it doesn’t rush another it doesn’t keep score. If you are tally the occurrence or keeping tabs on the gifts given or received is there patience? Patience is not having an immediate answer or resolution, even if we expect a certain outcome. Patience is having a strong mind keeping high energy while staying devoted. Crisis definitely tests are patience and shows who will die at the post!
Love is kind, it is what Gods grace is all about. Kindness is being unselfish and having sympathy for another. It’s being tender toward those who show the need, and being a friend. Kindness is tolerating others especially when they are intolerable, but considering what they are going through in this world and being generous and caring for their best interest.
Love doesn’t envy another. Love doesn’t hold grudges, it learns to forgive with understanding. Love is letting go of self importance, it is not self seeking. Love is knowing that God is greater than I .
Rudeness is causing violence and creating disorder, love is not rude. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs!
One of the most difficult parts of living with a mental illness; whether it is your own, or someone you love; is it usually gets worse at the most stressful times. When life is hard and difficult; that is when many people with mental illness will find themselves in the most debilitating state imaginable; and it really is very hard for the complete family unit.
Many people will run; it scares them; they can’t handle the stress or just feel it is too toxic on the daily; so many will find themselves alone and grasping at everything and anything to get their life back to a semi normal state; or just a new state very unsure of what will be next. Each family member will have a completely different experience and their own reality can vary quite differently than others in the same family unit; which really seems to put a strain on the family as a whole because it makes them believe they are alone.
The only “Peace” I have really ever found is the peace I get from the Lord. The Lord seems to help me open my eyes and see things clearly so that I learn and grow always in a positive direction no matter what I am facing. I admit I am human; I sin and allow temporary pleasures to give me the temporary satisfactions needed to get on with the day; but in all actuality the only permanent peace I find is in the Lord.
I am talking about a real relationship with the Lord; making time in my day to praise, worship; and ask him for guidance. I am not talking about a specific religious movement that requires me to follow man-made doctrines for specific days and times.
Dealing with a mental illness that affects family members is hard and I often find myself sitting in Adoration for hours; crying, losing it; but then feeling the Holy Spirit and peace that makes me feel like I had a complete overhaul~make over. I will probably spend a few hours in Adoration tonight!!!
When you ask God to feel your spirit with the Holy Spirit; it really is truly amazing. Imagine for a moment a time you are completely broken and weak; unable to lift your arms your legs have given out; and all of a sudden you feel a spirit lift you off the floor; and hold you tight… just the way we imagine is done by so many we love; but leave us there on the floor and walk away. Love doesn’t walk away; even when it is hard!
Like magic, we walk away; with a new song to sing; and a new dance to express but the new rhythm is so much stronger so we become stronger and sing and dance like never before.
Many will fear and say the Lord is not real; don’t trust them! How can you look around at all the beauty in the world; the love, the kindness; understanding and not believe in God?
WE need to know and believe whatever it is in front of us; we will get through with the Lord’s help and if we ask him not only will we get through but we will soar!
Lord I will always be faithful; thank you for salvation!
This song was released in 2001; and I found myself playing it on repeat today in 2018; retrospectively I sit here deep in thought about this time in my life and similarities to some of my current feelings. During the time I didn’t have a copy of the song in my collection; it didn’t hold any significant meaning. Then a couple of years ago the lyrics grabbed my attention and added it to my library. I knew it meant something important, I decided I would listen to it until I figured it out.
During the time the song was released I had been living in Plano, Texas a part of the great Metroplex~ Dallas, Texas for a few years, getting ready to move back home~ San Antonio.
Heading to temporary directions, Marisa & I moved in with my grandparents for a while and then shortly after a stay with my mother. I know I didn’t really understand at that specific time what “having a hero” felt like. I just knew that more than anything the only way I was going to be able to be someone’s hero was to find my own to teach me the ways 😉 I never realized at the time I would actually be learning how to be my own hero first to know what a real actual hero consisted of; so that I would be able to actually go out in the world and accurately find my own.
Each new day is an opportunity to practice being heroic. Some days the real battle is finding my strength; and other days, it is finding my peace; balance has always been my nemesis.
I first found my power, my strength in my role as a mom; it fueled me with a wonderful powerful fuel of love, acceptance, forgiveness, understanding, and fierce protective inclinations.
My first baby was born a few days shy of my 23 birthday; and as soon as she was able to speak; she began to introduce me to what feeling like a hero felt like.
I loved that I was 100% her hero…💖Marisa💖 Any day, any time, she knew I would be there for her… Love her, support her, care for her with all my soul all I could. I also knew that my baby girl who was only 4 years old at the time would one day grow up and find her own handsome hero and become a hero to her beloveds, I vowed to show her right …
I pray often that she will always know I will forever cherish the memory of when she made me a hero. Being a mother is amazing; it is a lot of responsibility; a whole lot of love, fun, happiness, and what a powerful relationship it grows to be I found now that she is an adult.
From the day of their birth and until the day I (mom) die, I get to guide these interesting beings, enjoy all the great times as I watch them learn how to one day go rule the world in their own unique way. It really made me realize more than anything, I wanted to be a hero forever, greatest feeling yet; to be the sunshine on their gloomy day.
The song had me believing I could be a hero again to someone on a different level.
The beginning of the song begins with a whisper, “Let me be your hero…” So, meaningful the whisper indicates the closeness of their interaction, and very powerful, because the truth is that we actually do have to allow someone to be our hero. It really isn’t easy to put down defenses, and allow yourself an opportunity for possible surprise attacks, especially for those of us who have been hurt a lot. Trusting someone you care for after you have found it hard to trust anyone can be a difficult feat.
I can forgive myself for the part I personally played in keeping all those relationships with people I couldn’t trust in my life; and for way to long. I am also going to forgive myself for not allowing love for most of my life, I chose instead to replay in my mind the past pains and mistakes out of fear of finding myself in the same situation over and over again.
I am trustworthy, therefore I know I can trust another soul; just as they can trust me. I will remind myself, and when I forget or doubt; my hero will help me remember and believe it.
Love, is wonderful it always thinks about the best interest of the relationship and the best interest of both the other and self as individuals and as a unity. The freedom to be who we are down to the core in all situations, the good, the bad, the pretty, and the ugly; recognizing all the dynamic elements of who we have become up until the very moment; along with the freedom of letting go all the elements that are no longer us.
My hero gives me encouragement to be so much greater as I am always on that upward climb to excellence. My hero gives me strength and confidence to achieve even my hardest goals because they know I am strong and have all the qualities to accomplish them. My hero’s strength surpasses all the strongest beings that is why they are my hero; my confidence in them gives them the only place, way above all others, right next to me.
My hero is fair, he is just; and reminds me to be fair and just. I will be your hero if you let me, I will always play fair and be just in all I do. Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you be willing to do the simple things for me; the little things really do all add up.
Would you run and never look back?Most of the time when someone who is use to always taking and not giving has a change or shift in their dynamic; it will change the relationship. If the person is needing to give to the other and isn’t use to it; a lot of self centered people will run away; go find the “next one”; who is ready to give to to them. Initially, it is easy to “give” to a person to most people during the infatuation period of a relationship; it is new exciting and the adrenaline working gives you a boost of energy in the initial stages.
Would you cry if you saw me crying? Does your soul care for mine? If I am happy do you feel the happiness inside just as if it were your own; never jealous or bitter.
If I see you crying it would devastate me, because my pain hurts; and when you hurt, I hurt.Would you save my soul tonight? It really feels in so many ways your hero saves your soul; mends it and nourishes it…
Let me be your hero
Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me crying? Would you save my soul tonight?
Would you tremble if I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this. Now would you die for the one you love? Hold me in your arms, tonight.
I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
Would you swear that you’ll always be mine? Would you lie? Would you run and hide? Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? I don’t care. You’re here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
Oh, I just want to hold you. I just want to hold you, oh, yeah.
Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? Well, I don’t care. You’re here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain, oh, yeah. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
(I can be your hero, baby) I can be your hero. I can kiss away the pain. And I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.
A hero~ to me is someone who has affected my life in the most profound way. My hero is someone who I know will protect me with all their soul; my hero will die fighting for me; because my hero thinks I am worth more than anything else in this world.
The most beautiful feeling is when someone cherishes you; I am not just talking about love… I mean they cherish you; they find you as the most interesting person; the thought of new ventures wouldn’t be worth it unless you are by their side. They see all the beauty you hold; and don’t really need or want to look elsewhere. There’s no curiousity just a fulfilled souls who only yearns and seeks more from the one…the one that no one could make /seem interesting, everyone isn’t just a down grade they aren’t even on the same level.
IS ANYBODY ELSE really OUT THERE?!
You can feel it; and they won’t let you forget it. Gustavo Montiel thank you for being my hero, I want to be yours … And we will figure out all the lose ends together 😉 its so much better with you!
Each one of us either has some form of mental illness, or love and care for someone who does. Here is an index of mental disorders, linking to definition, symptoms, treatment, and prognosis. BECOME AWARE! If you are ignorant or remain clueless that is your choice, but you have as much responsibility as any of us, to begin to understand a problem that only we as a whole can fix. I am not saying mental disorder is the problem, it is the people who ignore, deny, or fear their existence that allow an even bigger problem to develop.
When I first saw news briefings of what happened in Florida I was angered, I changed the channel; it was Valentines day I didn’t want to think about any world issues, or anything depressing. I am lucky, I was able to “turn it off” for a day; many did not have that option. The next day, I decided I didn’t want to see any news, opinions, the way the news seems to sensationalize tragedy, it makes me sick. Instead I wanted to know, who the shooter was. So, I looked at the name of the shooter and researched only about him.
His name was Nikolas Cruz and every article I ignored tended to display, the signs were there, he was angry, he displayed signs of aggression on social networks.
During the 90’s when I was his age, I was involved and lived with a strong presence of gang violence. I lived under the same roof along with kids whose main motives were to party, defend honor, and retaliate for wrongdoings; so lets just say I have had my ears full of listening to shit talkers. Everyday people say all kinds of things they don’t mean, “If you leave me, I will kill myself” “I would beat the shit out of my child if they tried that” “I am going to kill you b” just listen to music; we sing along we feel the feeling; it doesn’t mean we are actually going to go out and do it.
What I was interested in was the bits and pieces of Cruz, that would pin point what was going on his head.
I honestly didn’t feel completely drawn to do a psychological evaluation on this kid; but I was interested and I found out his adoptive mother died in October 2017, six years before that his adoptive father died. Both him and his brother Zachary were adopted by this couple; after his parents died family took Cruz in, he didn’t like it and started to stay with a friends family a few months ago. The family didn’t notice any unusual behavior and if they saw anything they contributed it to his grieving over his mother’s death. The family stated he seemed to be having a hard time with her death. The family also said he did have guns, they were locked up, and only head of household and Cruz himself had access to the key.
Students at the high school said he was abusive to his ex-girlfriend, fought with her current boyfriend, and got expelled. Teachers were informed he was not allowed on campus anymore “with a backpack.” Students did say he spoke of hurting animals. This is a huge red flag; almost every serial killer in history began with hurting animals, which graduates to killing animals; and thus humans. I am not talking about hunting, kill for sport and for eating; I am talking about killing kittens, family pets; and having no empathy; but a strange satisfaction. In his old neighborhood it was said, he would take his dog to a neighbor’s home who apparently raised pigs and entice it to eat their pigs.
There is something about people with social awkwardness that just makes people feel uncomfortable around them; people don’t want to be around them; and I think that is the beginning of them becoming loners; and disliking people.
I was feeling emotional as I am sure everyone else was. I continued on my day, trying to stay positive, until my son would come home. My son is in middle school, I wanted to talk to him about it; and ask about if he had heard; if not I wanted it to be from me; not some kid or media coverage.
My oldest who is 20 years old came home; I could see in her face she was upset; she asked me to watch this video. I told her, if it’s about the shooting I don’t want to see it; I don’t feel like being sad or upset. She told me, “Mom, it’s so terrible!” I needed to see what she had seen!
As we watched together, I could feel the torment inside my spirit. I recognized the heavy pants between the cries that live in your breath when fear makes you forget how to breath. The voices were real; not rehearsed, the cries were deep from the soul where you find a connection of sorts you have never felt before.
I begin to feel the fear too; and I recognized that fear I hold inside that brings back a far away memory, that changed me mentally and forever. These children have a new memory that will stay in their being for a long time; possibly forever.
I began to remember my day, back when I was their age, 18 years old…
I think this video stayed with me in a very emotional way the rest of the night as I replayed it over and over in my head. Specifically remembering the moment, right after I was raped and beaten; I knew to survive I needed to run. I thought about the video, and how the students were told by the officers to run, hurry, run, to get to safety. I remembered that feeling when you know what you have to do; but you feel so disconnected from your body you wonder if its possible. Like a bad dream of needing to defend yourself, and you punch the assailant over and over but your punches do nothing. You are seriously like a deer in headlights, but frozen. But, then something in you makes it happen, you know you have no choice and it feels like its taking every effort for you to push, but you move; and you feel like you’re trying with all your might but your moving so slow. Then you live with the terror of knowing you aren’t always in control, and your mind begins to play tricks on you, and you wonder if he is right behind me, ready to be grabbed once again.
It is a torment one can never forget, and will live for the rest of life. It does get better, I don’t live with it everyday; until something takes me there. I watched as the students shuffled off in a single file line, holding their hands up to show they were not armed. The long trek to that moment of safety, so full of fear, and made to show they were not the perpetrator; when all they probably wanted to do was hold onto each other. Took me back to that moment I ran away from my perpetrator. I saw a woman, I cried help I was raped; she could see I was beaten severely and the look on her face showed empathy, a deep concern but quickly turned to fear, and “I can’t please don’t ask me…” then I noticed she had a newborn in her arms; and I said, “I understand, and ran off and began to open every door I could, at an apartment complex I had never been to. Locked, Locked, as my terror increased, one door wasn’t locked; it was a family eating dinner at the table… IMAGINE that…I busted in; and the family began to help me and the woman with the baby already had called the cops.
When you go through something so mentally moving it changes a lot of things in your life. I am not scared of much these days, but I will tell you it took me 2 years to not be scared to walk out of my own home just to get my mail.
My mind quickly let go and I started to wonder about the family of those who were shot.
The horrible feelings a person goes through when they tragically lose someone they completely love; after the disbelief sets in. The moment of reality that your child/loved one is gone forever, and in such a heinous way; how in the hell can you find peace in that!
Remembering that July night when he kissed me on my lips, told me he loved me so much, walked away and then boom; he was gone; just like that… as me and my friends cried together, we shared the weirdest confusion of what was actually happening; I prayed over his body, begged him to stay; until EMS took him away, forever! I remember going to his house to tell his parents when his sister came out screaming when she saw me, I hadn’t realized I was drenched in his blood… It took me a long time to forgive myself for that one.
In all the different ways I am affected, it always takes me back to the why’s….
I have a lot of blogs, articles, stories about mental illness , here are just a few, read some if you are interested; they are my personal journey on a few paths mental illness/s have taken me…
After something happens many wonder how am I or how are we going to deal from here? How can one move on?
WE learn to move on as we move on! I am still learning today, and will learn more tomorrow because I choose to! I will tell you something valuable I have learned, healing begins with hope, hope works and heals with love, and love is found in peace.
Concentrate on why I am still here, even though a big part of me is gone or changed; I am here for a reason; and the reason may not be revealed to me, but I have unique gifts; we all do; that God has given us. My gift is to Create~ allow my imagination and unique talents take me down a positive avenue to therapeutically heal. I love music, taking pics, editing pics, making videos, those things make me happy! I need to do what makes me happy for myself; and no one else. It’s a heartfelt treat when I realize I am helping others while doing what I love though…. that cannot be denied!
I gave birth to a struggle today, and left that baby at the firehouse!
Music Video Blog Theme~
I always follow my blog stats and my articles talking about God are never big hits, but let me have some hard times and vent and make a fool of myself and those stats start booming. ~ human nature I guess… so I am not expecting this article to get many hits; but those of you who read this may need it just as much as I do!
Today I need strength, and no matter how hard I try to look for those things that build me up, strong, and firm out in this world, it always is extremely temporary. I find peace in those who seem to hold me sincere, but a lot of those who have, can just as easily let me go…
People who have meant the world to me have betrayed me, but it doesn’t take long to come to the realization that I as a human being are subject to the same human fault whether it is intentional or not. It really makes me think about how hollow we as human beings can be, and how its easier to just let people go, blame them and not work together.
I remember times I felt lonely and found myself more willing to settle for the company I invited which in effect only caused me to feel so disrespected until I finally started realizing I was the one who was really hurting myself.
I struggle today because I have such a strong yearning to be so much more than a miserable angry human and some days I feel sad as if I am fighting against a world that doesn’t understand Love, Truth, and laughs at the idea of lighting the earth with Peace. Life is so hard, people attack, situations happen, people we love disappear and become strangers, people we need have their own needs, people we meet are not who they seem to be, sometimes we are looking~ looking and searching for our purpose and it seems the world around me is playing mind games, people are angry, mean, and think “winning” is shitting on everybody else. What are you winning, a shit parade?
For some reason, we are teaching each other that if we aren’t hot,mean, and on guard then we will be taken down. We will never achieve peace if we are busy fighting; the only way to find Peace is to be still; so if we need to find it in our own life; if we really feel we are just so out of sync and fighting battle after battle; it is so important to be still~ you will find that Peace; I do it with prayer.
Everybody acts like they don’t care what other people think yet we have a world of followers, ready to follow all the people the world says are cool by their own screwed up standards. People are so afraid to be taken advantage of once again and again that they give with conditions, strings attached. I remember my good ol’Auntie told me once, “Don’t ever loan money to someone you love and care about, and if you do you have to give it not expecting it back because if they don’t give it back it will ruin your relationship.”
I have often felt very proud of my loyalty only to find myself a lot of times feeling like a fool because of it.
I think one of the first lessons on my current journey is realizing that I am NOT my emotions, what ever it is I sense and perceive is based on so many factors and sometimes huge lies that the world will have me believe is the truth based on my own current and past experiences. Learning how to get out of the mind, and be free for the only time that really matters, the only time I am sure of, the present moment. Stopping the inner emotions, feelings, making them be silent is the best time to understand and that is when you will find wisdom.
In fact one candle, that lights another can create enough light for more to see!
All the things we were schooled to believe, to work hard to obtain… bigger, better, fancier… for what to impress people you really do not even like; how about realizing the contents you hold have little to no meaning. How about understanding that you are not living a life, but you are LIFE. You are the powerful vessel that will put the existence or disappearance of all things into your world. Accept the present as IS, don’t complain about how it should be or was supposed to be; but accept the present and always intend for a great tomorrow.
I need a powerful squad, the most powerful in existence fighting such a cruel world, I need to remember that nothing can strengthen me that is out in this world; only God can give me and empower me within.
Search for the Lord and for His strength, seek his family always~
God promises to give us strength in any and all situations and this is exactly what has kept me so close to him, he never disappoints he is always there when I stop and allow him ~ I can feel the Holy Spirit fill my soul with a much-needed peace. The amazing thing is when I ask I am no longer confused, I am sure and secure he gives me the answers and guides my steps; and I trust him.
Even with the truth I forget who will never let me down, the devil fights hard to put doubt in my mind; but he/she will NEVER win!
Today’s blog is a simple reminder to all my loved ones, my supporters those reading this~if you are going through anything that is hard for you; God’s hand will uplift your doubtful soul turn your heart to him, and just talk to him.
Don’t rely on the judgments of the world, if someone doesn’t like me I can’t dislike them for their poor judgment, nor would I blame a blind person for not appreciating my physical attributes?
If I want LOVE, I need to just be me, not the protective, defensive, emotional person I have learned to be… but the person who is true, loyal, friendly, funny, insightful, understanding, down to earth, and giving…. when I am me, I feel the love!
I began this blog feeling lost and fearful, silencing myself and remembering the truth always works; I hope you feel better than before this read.
I pray because everyday I sin. When I confess my sins the grace is overwhelming, I feel nothing but love. Wow, that is a powerful feeling, nothing compares. When I pray God gives me the ability to control my mind, my thoughts, my mood; fear is gone and lies no longer have control. In prayer we have the ability to cleanse our own soul, it’s a magnificent feeling. It drives me to want to give to others in anyway I can to help them with their struggles. Faith is strengthened, I am strong I know he is with my guiding me and lighting the way. I know I can continue to hope for all things that are good and be sure they will come for he continues to give me real life examples of goodness and miracles each and every day.
I have taken artificial means to give me a boost, to energize me but nothing on this earth is effective once you realize the energy the Holy Spirit gives the spirit.
I feel fearful today, fueled with fears both past and present when I pray I feel my soul growing a tenderness I want to grasp forever. All the lies are apparent they no longer trick, I recognize the purity in others and am drawn to their light. My thirst for unhealthy addictions are gone and my sadness is gone to another place.
In a simple scenario~ Do you have anything you do; that seems to make others who love you crazy… OMG seriously!!! I can’t lift a soda (Big Red) to my lips without hearing all about how I don’t need it by my grandparents! I know it is NOT healthy, I know it has too much sugar, empty calories, yes~ maybe it would make me “feel better” if I didn’t drink it, yeah, I might “lose weight”~ I am pretty content with my body by the way. I am so tired of hearing it all; I know one thing is for sure; they love me and mean well; but we all do what we do; whether it is good for us or not.
We all have some type of weakness, drugs~ prescribed and street, alcohol, sweets, cheating, being an enabler, couch potato, overindulgence, the list goes on… anything for that feeling of “completeness.”
I think the truth is we all would like to feel genuine peace somewhere inside; and sometimes we search for that feeling of peace in so many ways; I know for me it is all a matter of balance; and enjoying all those things I do without going overboard or overindulgence.
“Genuine peace” is different for everyone; some people have been blessed with abundance but still can’t find peace within. So many of the temptations here on earth; separate us from God; yet we continue to search for that peace in other earthly substances.
But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace. ~Ephesians 2:13-14
We are divided in so many ways; the way we live, who we vote for, what we eat/drink, what God we worship; we are drawn to those times we feel united but we are individuals and shouldn’t all be the same.
Judgements will continue to put barriers between us; if you are telling someone how to live how can that NOT create hostility.
His purpose was to create in himself, one new man out of the two, thus making PEACE, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. ~Ephesians 2:14
It is amazing how many people tell other people how to live; what they should be doing or not doing; what they should be posting or NOT posting; yet Romans 3:23 reminds us that ALL of us fall short of the glory of God. Each one of us is worthy; yet a lot of us either fall short of feeling our own worth; we forget we are worthy or we put ourselves into a superior mind frame, as if your neighbor is more/less worthy.
I started off the year wanting to learn more about humbling myself; I can say It is 4 months into the year and I have no doubt been humbled.
I know I am not perfect and I have way to many things I need to personally work on to be worrying about how to fix anyone else. I would have to say; I fall short in many ways; especially when I have sustained myself on my deep faith; and then allow my faith to fade; God finds his way to give me a refresher.
I am not searching for perfection; just a greater version of Michele; who can do that or understand just what that is but Michele herself; same for you and yours. I know so many are misguided, so many have no clue what struggles you have been through; that is why no one can do YOU better! I know that we want to stop people from doing things that drive them away from what they were before; who they were before; but it isn’t up to you; sometimes people have to be vulnerable to learn; it is the way they learn when they are ready; all you can do is pray for them and hope they get to be play the next part in their life; the next part of who they will be. You can NOT force anything into anyone heart; all we can do is share our peace and love.
I hope when God feels I have graduated from this hard knocks of humble university he will allow me to attend… the university where I am learning to contain all my blessings going viral. I will never forget where I have been, I will definitely keep forgiving myself for all the stupid sins. I will continue to pray and keep the faith; and always be grateful in the present.
My whole world is in front of me; what and who I allow; my perspectives and what I allow in my life and heart. The only way to find peace; is within me, myself through my Lord, enjoying my life, the moment~ the very moment and not wishing for more; but what I have is not just sufficient but more than enough. Feeling content with myself, knowing I have enough to share, enough to learn, enough to give, I am worthy of getting more if it comes; and knowing no matter what, whatever comes this way~ I got it! I will stay true to myself, be me, and walk humble and blessed!
Yesterday was one of the toughest days of my life and it continues, but in a different way;
One thing I thank God for; is the Peace he puts in my heart; in my spirit.
After our date last night, I received exactly what I needed.
He is amazing; he always knows what I need; even when I don’t know; but there he is; giving me what I need; he always pulls me through…
I am strong, we are stronger together; I have the KING on my side and I am his princess; I come from royalty~
It seems I have gone through a lifetime of difference; always trying to make order from the disorder; even as a little girl it seemed to much to understand; but it wasn’t for me understand just yet. Since I can remember; I had to be at least six years old; I found my constant companion, chaos. Chaos continued to be my company, my best friend who refuses to leave my side; almost always there to remind me his job is never done; and always holding on tight reminding me, there is NO RANSOM I am all his.
Full of fear, I ask for help and there you are as I finally focus, on my other side; always by my side when I call your name; I look and there you are; staying true; how do I forget about you? How do I ignore your presence? Like magic my fear is gone and I have found my comfort again.
My entourage is big sometimes; I am a lover of people and friends; so they see a friend in me; shining with love and comfort to give; because that is what I want. Sometimes, my entourage is small because just like me; we all have our fears, make mistakes, and refuse to forgive; even when we are all the same; with just one mighty judge.
No matter who is on my side; no one can compare; you are greater than any, you take me onto your shoulders dear one; you allow me to fly; and when I do; wow, can I fly. <3
Recently, this week~ I found myself in a situation that is very familiar; I have been here before in this place; it is a place of sadness; when the sun becomes your early morning wedgie. When the flowers are the scent that brings up the word vomit; I am sad; and can’t find my happy place. I feel so isolated; so alone; emotionally broken, knowing that no one can give me the answer; and the reality is no one can because it isn’t there life to live. Who am I to decide what to say, I am just a sinner I am tainted; I am everything Jesus is not; who am I to lead, who am I to direct?
How can I be here again, it was a horrid trauma and not just that; but how many times must I relive the places no one else has to walk or would even get close to? Familiar places give you an advantage though; this time; you will do it differently; with a little more knowledge and wisdom; it doesn’t take away pain but it maybe a little bit easier. Like a cruel joke; my cross seemed so much heavier even more than the initial hit; as I looked at all the familiar devastating elements; I then saw the most beautiful familiar face; that of my child. Life plays dirty; the dirtiest.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and all I can do is carry her through…. If I had to go through hell to carry her through; that I would do… that is what love is; and I know love! I live love, if there is anything I understand it is that of love; because I feel his love.
When I walked in and saw with my own eyes your body in Eucharistic form just like the last supper; I felt your presence, you are here …
you are with me everyday; a peace was inside; I was overcome by the comfort of your arms my Lord. Best date ever… the connection was amazing; your mercy~ is relentless… how can anyone doubt this?
and sometimes I am positive all I really know is LOVE and how it continues to go on and on.
I don’t know why life is so hard, or why people like me~ the anxious ones are given so many reasons to find the sincerity of anxiety. I don’t know why those like me~indecisive and full of panic., are given the hardest decisions to make during the hardest times, to lead others to believe when all I want to do is fall apart.
All I understand is love; so I begin this Friday with the love of the truth…
He will get us through!
Thank you St. Pius X 3907 Harry Wurzbach, San Antonio, Texas 78209 for the intimate setting!
Adoration is currently open till MIDNIGHT at this location.
We are forever changing, we change in mind, body, and soul from the minute we are conceived to the day we take our last breath. Who we are at this very moment is determined by both our past and present; we change our minds with new knowledge and understanding.
I have always been determined to understand how the mind works and all the different ways we can manipulate our minds to change my own way of thinking. The ability to change my own mind and its way of thinking in a completely different and new way than it had been previously conditioned to; that is amazing. If I really have the ability to change my thoughts why would I ever choose anything other than happiness? The plain truth is that our thoughts create what we think and believe to be our truth; why would anyone pick anything other than happiness?
The real issue is that we have to actually get to that point where we get our mind to become more pure. Letting go of all those thoughts of fear, is hard especially because many of us feel we are leaving ourself vulnerable. The ego can be very strong at times; we really have to fight the ego to shut it down; and when the ego is gone; we aren’t fixed on being right; or protected; we are just comfortably pure in heart and mind. While in college and studying Psychology; I found myself obsessed with the brain; I felt the brain was everything; even more than the heart;
because our brain determines the beats of our heart; but the argument will continue as neither can live without the other. Think about this, we need to really work on our brain to change our heart. The problem is, people expect other people to make them feel what they want and expect others to take away those fears that they don’t want; don’t depend on anyone else; it is not their job to work out your salvation.
Back in the old testament; the word heart and mind was interchanged; meaning when they spoke of the heart; it was our mind~ the center of our being. The scripture tells us that the heart of man is anything but pure, in fact, it tells us the human heart is wicked. We learn that a change of heart is necessary for salvation. We are told if we confess with our mouths and believe in our hearts, we can be saved; why then would be not want to work on making our hearts pure. The heart will show us the way!
We are all born equal in many ways; but unequal in many ways as well; some people are born and are able to acquire all the earthly goods they desire; while others struggle to just get basic needs met. If you have been on both sides; you will know there is a difference and sometimes even with more money comes more problems and more greed. The greatest wealth is contentment.
The greatest gift in our world is health; we can have all the possessions we want; but they have to be replaced before we even realize it; and we can’t enjoy anything in this world, or work for what we want if we don’t have good health. I think it is very important that I begin to realize I need to take care of my health; self-care is us, taking care of our gift. We need to take care of the body, mind, and the spirit.
“Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.”
WE also need to keep relationships in our life that help us grow; and help us achieve a pure heart. The best relationships are those that hold faithfulness.
Everyone has their own purpose; if your purpose is to make orange juice; you will never get it from the apple tree.
So many people hold on to guilt; or they want to hold on to a person who they think owes them something; they stalk; or will continue to keep that person alive in their own head even if it is in a negative way. This is not healthy for your soul…
It is not your job to save anyone; you are not put on this earth to be in charge of anyone’s salvation but your own, don’t hang around fools you feel sorry for; thinking you can change them.
Everyone who is on our life; that we have any type of relationship with can teach us something valuable; and we can teach them what we need to; as well. We must continue to learn; and never ever think we know all there is to know on any subject.
I find it very offensive when people assume; that any further education is not important; and that people who have gone to further learning are blessed by being “book smart,” they seem to believe it is all about memorizing answers and spitting them back out on a test.
My oldest daughter Marisa , is 18 and the motivating factor I found my home again at St. Matthew’s Catholic Church and connected with A.C.T.S.
My middle child and favorite son, Jay is 10, he is a passionate gamer and full of intelligence.
Last but not least, my baby is 8 years old she is my mini me; full of creative ideas and exploding with expression.
I left an ALMOST twenty year marriage about five years ago; I married at an emotional end of my 18th year on December 31, 1992. Today, I am adjusting to a new relationship full of Love, Joy, Understanding, Compassion and feel blessed.
I pray often for the Lord to continue to show me the way with my overabundance of passion that exists in my home.
I have been blessed to be a huge part of the St. Matthew’s Youth Group since I was a youth; lost my way for many years, and finding myself brought back by my daughter with absolutely no direction from me, it is mysteriously wonderful. My daughter had a friend that asked her to attend Girls Night In Retreat during one of the toughest periods in our life as a family, I am convinced God placed her to with the sole motive; bring Marisa to St. Matt’s where she would find her strength in her faith; this friend is not part of the Parish and never went back to the St. Matt’s Youth Group after the initial invite.
I was blessed to be asked to chaperone Girls Night In Retreat in 2013 ~
I was humbled as I witnessed my daughter give her first TALK/Testimony of faith,
asked again to chaperone when my daughter was director for the Girl’s Night In retreat the following year in 2014. I was invited with an open mind and an even more importantly open heart by Carl and Michelle Weekley to be part of ALL the youth’s events from the beginning.
Michelle always included me, one of the smartest women I have been blessed to know; she see’s the talents, and gifts God graces to everyone immediately; and allows them to shine in their own personal way. Michelle was never put off by my crazy and energetic ways, she allowed me to be myself; and accepted me wholeheartedly, no strings attached, unconditionally, and as is.
I found my family at the Vance Jackson House
The VJ… where I was able to witness and be proud of my daughter Marisa as I witnessed firsthand her growth in faith.
I was called by God to my very first A.C.T.S. Retreat as an adult; in July of 2014.
The retreat “Be Strong and Courageous. Do Not be Afraid; Do NOT be Discouraged, for the Lord Your God will Be with YOU Wherever you go!” ~Joshua 1:9 led by my wonderful beautiful Sister In Christ~Celina Gonzalez it was magnificent; it then allowed me the opportunity to be part of A.C.T.S ~ team; as one of the adults for the July2015 St. Matt’s Teen A.C.T.S retreat, words can’t express the blessing I experienced as a part of the team that my Marisa would co-direct alongside her best friend Luis Sanchez❤.
I was a part of a very emotional, intense, last retreat as she would spend as a YOUTH. The Lord has his ways; during that last retreat, while I wondered if my journey with St. Matthew’s was coming to an end; I was asked to be on Team for the 2015 St. Matt’s Women’s A.C.T.S retreat by my wonderful amazing SIC and forever friend Michelle Medellin.
Michelle Medellin is an amazing human being; and when I realized the team she put together along with her co-director Nelda Ortiz I was amazed; it was a team of the most amazing; and my most favorite ladies on this earth. The team was full of creativity, intelligence, humor, and love.
I am blessed with an opportunity to share my journey with each one of you who are reading this in the way God has planned.
Everybody is called by the Lord for their own individual purpose
to strengthen faith
to renew their faith
some are searching and don’t even realize it is time for their connection with God.
God is always calling each of us by name, we may not accept or respond to his call like he would love <3 but something different happened, because you are here reading this at this very moment. The “A” in A.C.T.S. stands for ADORATION.
Adoration is the road to intimacy with God. God is in control of our life, our blessings, doesn’t it make sense to plan for allowing a few moments, at least 20 minutes of your whole day to spend that time putting your life in perspective with the one you love, adore, and admire. God is the Master of all that exists, God is our Creator, and he is our Savior; he deserves the highest honor, the strongest admiration, and all of our respect.
Is about taking the time to give our Lord the True Praise and Worship he deserves. It is taking the time to be in a state of “wonder and amazement” before his presence in the Eucharist. Taking the time to get to know and understand God on a deeper level each day because it is your most important relationship. Communicating with Jesus in prayer as we share our thoughts with him, and give him appreciation!
We can’t adore what we don’t know or understand; the amazing thing is GOD wants us to know him and he wants us to tell him what is in our hearts every day. He has important things to say to us… God wants us to prosper and succeed. In the bible God tells us~
Behold, I sent you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be as wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
It is easy to imagine myself as a fancy harmless dove. I went to Catholic school and was taught to be nice; do onto others as you would have them do unto you! I expected the world was fair as long as I was fair.
It was never stressed to me that I needed to be wise or think like a Serpent.
Throughout the years I have allowed my world to be surrounded by toxic people; even enabling those to remain toxic by giving them what they told me they needed. I have felt support means making those happy who most need it. I seldom put mefirst, and protected those I loved. Did I really believe I could protect another, YES, I did; and my nature is still very protective.
The onlytrue Protection is by GOD, and that a truth that is PROMISED by him. The only TRUE protection is the Shield of God! Struggles are NOT against flesh and blood, they are from evil forces and powers of the dark world.
The Armor of God consist of: BELT OF TRUTH, BREASTPLATE OF as RIGHTEOUSNESS, FEET ready to put to action the gospel of PEACE, Shield of Faith, HELMET OF SALVATION, and SWORD of the HOLY SPIRIT (the Word of God.)
It really is easy to spend my days twirling with the skilled trickery, of the hypnotic dancer ~theDEVIL when I am kept busy as life often keeps me. Growing up I imagined the ruler of the dark underworld to look ugly, the ugliest vision my mind could create during different periods of my life.
Little did I know that the Devil is always cleverly disguised in all those things I want, crave, and deeply desire. The dark evil forces are forever at work looking to devour me at my weakest, times when I was losing faith, and even during my strongest moments when doing God’s work aimed to put faith in those souls who are seeking him.
I’d say it was elementary school age for me; that I believed to be truly devoted I had to turn my cheek nonstop; learn to be a willing victim, a martyr. Do I really believe that is what my Father God wants for me, what exactly am I devoted to? The Lord has said, doing what is right and just is more acceptable than to sacrifice. I have learned to ask myself is my dedication bringing Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Faithfulness, Goodness, Gentleness, and Self-control to others and me.
As I opened my mail one afternoon, I noticed an invitation from the United States District Court, well, actually it was a subpoena. I was to appear for a civil caseon January 30, 1995 at 9:00 AM in Honorable H. Garcia CourtRoom.
Juan Caballero is his legal name, I will just call him, “LOST ONE”. He was one of those sneaky serpents, I had never met him before that night. He was lying in wait,hiding from his prey, until he selected an easy target, no challenge, just overpower.
I was 18 years old when I was taken from a gas station, forced into my vehicle by a man who would show me all of the things that would become my monsters. I was forced to drive around, he held a constant grip to remain in control on my neck and head and warned me to listen to what I was told or my neck would be snapped. I was confined to a place where I had lost complete control, I immediately sensed his strongest need was for power. He didn’t seem human, he has a wild, animalistic look in his eyes. He was so full of rage, he was so out of control and all he wanted was the opportunity to gain a feeling of control and power. He knew the only way he could achieve that was by degrading and humiliating me and I wondered why, I wondered if he had a mother, grandmother, or sister, what or who made him full of so much hate.
Initially, I fought long and hard, I was losing, first my energy then my senses what would be next. As each moment drained me, I could feel his power and excitement gained strength. I could feel it in his restraint in his arms. Uncertainty never felt so dreadful, what was he trying to do, full of fear of every next move, I wondered if this was “it” would this be my last day, I thought often about my family and then back to the fight to stay alive. Mentally, I was terrorized, his favorite game was telling me how strong his arms were and then he would choke me, tell me how easy it would be to snap my neck; and laugh; each time I held onto to every breath wondering if I would have another. He raped me and continued to beat the life out of me. Many have asked if that has affected me sexually; honestly I don’t feel like I had sex with him at all.
I often felt myself wasting away…
2 Corinthians 4 God reminds us, that we should never lose heart. Our outer self is wasting away, but our inner self is being renewed day by day. Whatever our affliction is, it will only be momentary and it is preparing us for eternal Glory beyond anything we could compare to what we know.
During the complete attack I often found myself in another place. The place was bright and what was ahead a few walks up; was even brighter and so appealing; I wondered what that way held. I came to this place numerous times, anytime I felt I couldn’t go on another minute, I found myself there again. I could feel my soul leave this plane; the world I knew, this other place was nowhere I had ever been, it wasn’t familiar; yet it was comforting. I wasn’t afraid, I felt I belonged there; almost as if that place was created just for me. I felt completely at peace, not lost. I was aware I wasn’t attached or in my body anymore; but I felt even more connected to myself. Like a waiting room, I felt a peaceful place where I was allowed a much needed rest; but only for a short moments, because I knew that if I stayed there too long; that decision would haven an effect on what I was going back to. The only uncomfortable feeling I had, was feeling a bit hurried. Like a rude awakening, I would go back to my body while I was be violated, only to figure out the newest idea to survive.
So many times during the assault; I wanted to give up; but then I would be back at my safe place; and even though each time the comfort increased and it made it harder to want to go back… I had a stronger feeling to turn back and not go forward; I couldn’t go because I had to do something very important first. I don’t know what that important thing is; but it felt like a feeling that in order to get to that place, you have to do something else first, like a strong feeling of unfinished business.
3 years after the sexual assault was the most difficult, the third year I found some relief as I was finally able to live a more normal life; able to let go mistrust I had for every male I was forced to face in my everyday living. The fear of being in close proximity of an unknown male caused panic attacks; my heart would race, my body’s uncontrollable trembling was only a reminder of the everlasting fear in my soul. When I found myself in such an intense state of fear, I knew the only way to release it was through God;
In Psalm 62
God promises our soul will find rest and salvation in him, and him alone.
When I spend more time in Adoration; looking for the truth for the purpose of Peace. I began to feel closer to Jesus, our relationship is apparent, and his goal to lead me to my ultimate JOY, the one himself, to our home in Heaven this is one amazing friendship.
The bible is a love story which tells us of God’s promises~
Psalm 10 3 we can remember that no matter what we face, he promises to crown each one of us with love and mercy with crown, a Paradise Crown! We all know how great a new outfit or pair of shoes feels, well this crown is from Heaven; can you imagine the superior feeling we will sense as this crown is placed on our spirit; we can’t even begin to understand. He also promised that we will be wrapped in goodness-eternal beauty. Our youth will be renewed, in his presence we are ALWAYS young.
This night my soul was filled with so much fear and anxiety; I didn’t realize would become a part of me, as long as I would allow. Genesis 19 tells me the way; it is up to me when I will accept; I need to Let Go of the Fear of Letting Go and give it to GOD!
When I pray and meditate on the word of God and give my fears to God he takes them from me. I have learned to let go of my fear through Prayer! Seems easy enough; LOL; it’s not; it’s amazing what I would still hold; I soon learned letting go of fear gets easier with practice.
The LOST ONE plead guilty after his arrest; it was bitter-sweet he would get a lighter sentence-30 years maximum, I was consoled with the fact I wouldn’t have a court hearing; I wouldn’t have to face him again; I wouldn’t have to re-live the night again in front of a judge or jury. As I read the subpoena it gave me a number to call; as I waited for my call to be answered I was full of anger; disbelief; what was the purpose, was this fool trying to take what little dignity I had left?
I have always been told, God will never give me more than I can handle. Really, God had so much confidence in me! I can’t even count the number of times I have felt completely defeated,
Remember in 1 Peter 5:10
We are reminded that we all have our season of suffering, but he tells us when our season is complete, God in all his grace will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish each one of us. We will be stronger than ever before, for he is preparing us to be the Greatest we can be.
When the time was right, I understood as I watched myself able to overcome obstacles with a new strength giving me the ability to achieve numerous greater plans God had planned for me. God loves me, even when I haven’t loved him back. I spent a great deal of my time angry during my struggles, angry enough to ignore God. There is NO WAY I could ever push him away though, no matter how hard I tried, because God dwells in me. Once I learned to quiet my mind with much practice, I began to meditate. Meditation has always been a favorite place I go to and find truth I have yet to find elsewhere. As a child, I attended grade school at St. Gregory’s…
Our sister set up a card table with a draping over it, we each had a turn during the month to sit; no visual distractions; just me and God; that is where I first found him. God’s truth comes, not when I want, but at his time, his timing is perfect because that is when it is the most effective.
During my weakest moments during my life I would find myself again and again walking into the house of God each time was completely different. I always held on to my faith God was present, and I would be sure to show my true presence no matter the state I was in. I walked into church, the small chapel in the church we call ADORATION because I was taught as a young child I was in his true presence before the Blessed Sacrament. I had faith that the only physical reality here on this earth of the body and blood of Christ, along with the soul and divinity of Jesus Christ was right there in front of me.
I needed to be front and center in the face of Jesus to let him know what I was feeling and no matter what I believed. The truth was I felt so destroyed, I turned Eighteen in June, my boyfriend committed suicide in front of me on the 4th of July, in August, my dad who I was raised by would marry a woman I didn’t get along with at all; and felt was coming between my dad and me; the only relationship I valued. I found myself looking for belonging, leaving my dads home angry and moving in with a local gang; with other lost souls trying to find their own place as well. December came I was kidnapped and assaulted; a few weeks later I married someone I had only known for a few months. I found myself in ADORATION angry and completely full of doubt. I imagined screaming at the top of my lungs at God; so powerful I’d make the statues shake, break; and all the lit candles would flicker out by my rage. Then, as I sat; a peace would overcome me; I would find myself asking for help; anger was doing nothing for me; and I just wanted to feel better; I asked for happiness and protection; I didn’t feel I could take ONE more hit. I was so done, I would go and cry, cry, and cry and wonder how he could watch and allow me to completely fall apart maybe I was not worthy.
I have lost count of all the times I have gone to ask for Gods assistance with my numerous needs and pleas. Here I thought he was ignoring me; when all along each time the devil was ready to strike; writing this journey brought tears to my eyes when I looked back and realized how my Lord held me so tight; comforted me; and gave me the power to go on; and only NOW do I see; HE WAS ALWAYS WITH ME!
Each time I entered the house of God with my destructive; shameful feelings, I can tell you I never left his house with those feelings. Sometimes when I left adoration, the Holy Spirit was so powerful I would find a new-found strength stirred up in my spirit that would give me a drive to go find a soul who was in a low place and assist them by speaking the truth. I learned, the true meaning of understanding is found in truth; it only comes from the enlightenment that experience brings. True appreciation that comes from inside our soul, is a true gift from above, that gift is Peace.
My FAITH shall be bigger than any fear! Thinking about Jesus struggles, his death so that I am REDEEMED, and then his Resurrection is his reminder I can have a new life a new spirit.
My phone call was answered, I found out that he was trying to make a case against the San Antonio Police Department for brutal force during his arrest after he assaulted me. My mind quickly took me back to the night when all I could remember was his sweat, the disgust that filled my mind that reminded me how unclean another person can make you feel. I thought about his darkness, it gave me a sick feeling knowing such evil forces are at work in this world.
It is those moments in my life, when I have found a new strength, the moments I feel I have been lifted high spiritually the devil always attacks; including each time I worked on this talk to share with each of you.
Ya know what, I felt ready to face him; I was ready I wanted to let him know I could look right at his face; those soul-less eyes and fight for justice and let him know he didn’t haunt me anymore. He did not hold any power over me.
I would use my voice to empower me; which would then give me a strength to be a voice in court for the abused; and remind parents who were stuck in a state of fear I knew so well they held the power.
The day I walked into the courtroom I looked directly at him; and he looked so small; so pathetic, he looked like a small pinto- bean that I could smash with a spoon. He smirked at me, he tried to intimidate me; his facial expressions held the same wickedness that made me remember once again what it felt like being under evil’s control. His eyes snared at me with a proud confidence that he was able to forever poison my heart. My neck began to ache, as I wasn’t sure how to release the stress my neck held.
The “lost ones” antics would not work I would not allow him to take one more thing from me, this time I was in control!
I testified from the point that the officers yelled he was under arrest, as they read him his Miranda rights he began to fight the officers, punching, hitting, kicking, refusing to be handcuffed, making his legs limp as he refused to walk, he would make them carry him from every point all the way to the patrol car while he spat and yelled out vile words. When the officer told him he was under arrest for sexual assault he began to laugh wickedly and in-between yelling, “It won’t stick, I’ll get out of it, he continued threats to the officers, their wives, and family.
I continued to testify how the officers used as much force as required to place a crazy wild deranged man into the rear cage of the police car.
Making the decision to face your fears is one of the hardest things in life; it is fear itself that freezes us; fear is what closes my heart. Fear will break me if I allow it; but fear can make me If I conquer it. I have learned I see things exactly how I allow myself to see. When I think about fear and how much of my time it has consumed; I’d rather face it and destroy it, fight; I will not allow my being to be sacrificed; and remind myself that as often as I have to.
Yes, there have been times I have personally felt I fought a hard fight and still completely got my butt kicked. The reality eventually settles in; I lost this battle; God is the ONLY way I have found rest, there are plenty ways to distract myself legal and illegal; and I have tried them all. There are some powerful escapes out in the world; but their power is deceiving and will only work for a short period of time there is no power in this world that is greater than the one living in me. The only true advice, is pick myself up from way down there, pray to Jesus-the one who saved ME, ask and allow the Holy Spirit into my soul. The only true LOVE I NEED, is already there; how can I not find my peace and confidence.
St. Matthews Adoration is open 24 hours 7 days a week. The Blessed Sacrament chapel can be found on the left side behind the church, there is a pathway between the Administration Building and the Parish Hall.
I am here because I have something great to do on this earth; I refuse to waste any energy on fear.
I found a new desire to protect others! I had jobs working at Child Protective Services keeping families together, working with the abused and neglected children, I then found myself at San Antonio Housing Authority which would make me an expert on subside housing; I was then led to Haven for Hope with my knowledge to assist the homeless to find their own home. Each place gave me a greater opportunity to give hope to those who lost it.
I spent my days working all over the city specifically the areas of our city where it was ridden with poverty and abuse. I am not meaning to offend; I know there is abuse and violence in wealthy households; even our Police battle domestic violence in their own homes. My story doesn’t consist of those though; I worked through my fears in the projects on the West and East side of San Antonio, fighting my fears with cat-calls and vile language by addicts and men who just had no direction. I fought my fears with REDIRECTION. I would redirect with the truth, I began to stop at any church, chapel in the area I was working in for the day; during my lunch, I would take a few minutes or the complete hour if needed.
I felt a peaceful calm at the altar as soon as I would kneel; showing my admiration to the Almighty; I would begin my prayers for my needs, the needs of my family, friends, each family I was working with that day, and each individual I ran into that needed prayer in their own way. As I would study the body of Christ on the cross, I found myself in deep thought how Jesus must have also been afraid, wondering about all the must have felt his last day and moments on that cross. Feeling such strong feelings of admiration as I looked at Jesus in all his humble ways; so loving and perfect, and carried that cross, his struggle was for me. I would look at the Monstrance which is what we call the vessel used to display our Eucharistic host, I’d watch the flicker of the flames on each candle to me which represented hope, positive energy, and the smell reminds me of my faith in God…
Jeremiah 29 tells us that we are promised when we seek him, we WILL find him.
It isn’t uncommon to walk out of church with a charge to your soul, super charge of courage. I started to begin to appreciate the different feelings and energy I felt from each unique altar, I could feel the spirit of others who had left their doubts, fears, and sorrows right there under the cross. Some left pictures I would assume a loved one in need, each candle represented it’s very own intention, and beautiful flowers of gratitude left behind. I felt empathy for every soul I thought of; it made me want to help them. It made me want to get myself as strong as possible so I could find the magic forces that would spring positive energy into me; so if I could help another find the faith they needed to find their own truth and peace.
11 years after the year of the assault he was released from prison. It was 2006 he had been stalking a woman for a few weeks, he broke into her house, and approached her with a knife, a plastic bag, and met his new victim. I was watching TV, the news that night and I froze as I saw his face flash on the screen.
A would-be burglar is recovering from a head injury in custody Friday morning, after he was driven off by a baseball bat-wielding homeowner. Police said the female homeowner woke up to find a man in her house, so fearing for the safety of her toddler daughter, she grabbed a baseball bat that was near the couch she was asleep on. Officers said the suspect approached her from her kitchen, she then cracked him over the head with the bat. The suspect fled the scene, but was soon caught found bloody hiding in a shed. The suspect is being treated for his head injury, and then will go before a judge to face charges.
2 years after that NEWSFLASH I received a phone call from the District Attorney Susan Reed. It was 2008 at this time in my life, I was at the point where I would be graduating from college; UTSA with my degree in Psychology my final project had a REQUIREMENT: it would need to be PUBLICLY DISPLAYED, using Gloria Anzaldua’s 7 Stages of Conocimiento~ A Reason to Keep Going! I decided I would take the rest of my last months in school; Healing the Latina Within. I was at a place in my life where I felt grounded more than ever, spiritually full of the Holy Spirit, I had been educated on grief and life adjustment issues. I felt ready to break down any walls that were holding me back from being the best me I could. While, I no longer trusted the universe; I trusted myself and I trusted Jesus! “Jesus I trust in thee!” My soul was in a deep creative mode; I felt ready to let go of all that was familiar and even more ready to create my new reality.
The call from the District Attorney’s office was asking if I would be willing to be a witness for his latest victim trial. I immediately said all I knew was, I needed to meet her, I just wanted to hug the woman who beat him on the head with a bat, and I wanted to hear all the details hoping to myself the bat was metal. When I met Courtney our eyes met and I could immediately feel a bond between us as we shared the same look deep in our eyes that held a fear but a strength. She told me how a friend of her brought that bat over just a few days before, and said since she was a young single mom; she needed protection; she laughed and found it humorous; she never thought again about the bat; that would save her life.
The office of the D.A. explained I was the only way to prove sexual assault intent, since he didn’t actually assault her, he would basically get away with a slap on the hand without my testimony.
A couple of weeks later, I made my way from the waiting area room, the bailiff escorted me to a full Court room. Court was in session and I was called in to testify. I felt like I was entering a huge metal cage but the lion in me was gone as I felt the intense pressure of so many expressionless eyes all upon me. There was a jury sitting on the right; both sides of the room were full of people I didn’t know, I wondered what they heard, what they were thinking. As I made my first few steps into the room our eyes met, there “he” was he looked up and saw me entering the room; I will never forget that moment. The last time I saw him in court he was smirking at me with so much arrogance, this time when he saw me; his face dropped; he shook his head as if his worst nightmare had walked into the room. He shook his head, “no, in disbelief,” he looked as if all the confidence he held was zapped from him and he just knew that it was all over,” what a feeling. He was looking for power that night; he took mine; but little did I know it would empower me; and every look of my face would deplete him of his power.
Proverbs 21 promises when Justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.
As I walked to the stand it seemed like the longest walk of my life; I felt my legs shaking, the air I inhaled, exhaled was brought to my attention and seemed a strange struggle. My body trembled and I wondered how my legs would hold me up because I felt my body so heavy; and would I be able to find the balance I needed to orchestrate them to do a motion for the first time ever seemed difficult… to walk.
In 2 Corinthians we are told we walk by faith; and that is what happened.
The walk to the judge began, my eyes projected the seat I was motioned to sit at. I held on tight to my essence; as I began to fight a real intense tremendous fear. I used the judge as my focus, I was finally seated. The effort to get to the stand was overwhelming, and then when I finally got there; I was shocked when I swore in and heard my voice echo like thunder; it seemed so loud with the mic; I knew everyone would hear every word articulated, every emotion my words held. The questioning began I began to emotionally and verbally relive the complete assault, how I was taken; every detail done to me; how I feared for my life, and how I still live with the fear even today. As I tried to connect and make eye contact with the jury as I was instructed; I saw men looking at him in disgust; he didn’t represent being a man; and that reminded me once again; not to judge another. I saw different stories in the faces of each individual jury member; real emotions; maybe some holding past fears, each one cried at different parts of my journey, I saw compassion in the eyes of another soul who felt empathy, sorrow, disgust, and even pride when I shared the times I had learned to pick myself up time and time again. I found myself extremely emotional as I felt each connection with another human being I never even knew I would face that day; and may never face again. I felt it was my time for my story to be told, and it was our time together to make a difference. When I realized I was done; the District Attorney and the team had smiles of pride knowing after my emotional testimony, the verdict was automatically in! I stood up, I walked away tired but elevated. Courtney and I glanced at each other; with a tearful smile; knowing we did it; and would forever hold a special place in our souls for one another that no one else could quite understand. Even with my neck pains, I held my head up high as I walked away. He may have refused to lift his eyes or his head even; but my purpose was to prove intent, and that I did!
I walked out of the courtroom with a courage raised higher than ever before, I felt a good power. The kind of power that is achieved, not won by luck; not bought with money; not gained through inheritance, and not stumbled upon.
The phenomenal elevation pushed me to go inspire others with the realization that each and every one of us holds a power within given from every tragedy faced to encourage another soul with an understanding only the completely defeated can understand.
If my spiritual testimony of faith has inspired at least just one other soul to find or strengthen their faith we can all celebrate giving thanks in adoration finding a new life and renewed spirit.
Luke 7 will forever echo in our mind, “Your Faith has saved you; Go in PEACE.”
Marisa has decided to go with hot pink and purple ….
I noticed my blogs about Marisa are popular according to my stats I don’t know if it’s mostly her friends wondering about her; my personal opinion since I am her mom, on her recent break up; or just nosey bodies; or other women (mom’s, sisters, daughters) going through the same type of situation’s or preparing for when the time comes. I just appreciate everyone who clicks on my blogs and takes the time to read what is going on in my life and my brain. Thank you! I love you <3
I think this is the perfect color for Marisa at this time in her life. Marisa has had a hard few months letting go of her boyfriend who she was with since 13 years old; it came to all as a surprise but sometimes people have to go away on their own to find what they are looking for; especially when they are becoming adults. I completely understand this; I was in the same exact situation when I was her age (18 yrs old) and I had to leave the relationship for my self discovery; it is all in God’s plan.
As those who follow me on Facebook know I am huge with colors. I feel colors strongly; I have been dying my hair since I was about 15 years old; I live for eye-shadow; and I strongly believe in colors and psychology. I can feel them…
The color pink is perfect for Marisa is represents being feminine and romance at this time in her life this color is shouting from her spirit because PINK = UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! Unconditional love: affection without limitations. In other words when that person is no longer doing for YOU; you are still loving that person for the simple fact: you love the person for the person they are and not what they can do for you. Unconditional love is unchanging; in other words it doesn’t end over any life event. any argument, life changing event, or differ in beliefs. If someone does something that brings out a fear within yourself, your love doesn’t change, you don’t run away, and you try to understand, and even if life is away from that person the love still lives on in the heart.
If there were a poster child for UNCONDITIONAL LOVE it would definitely be MARISA. It drives me a little crazy because she is so forgiving she will allow her heart to someone who has and continues to hurt her just because she loves that person. Marisa falls in love with her complete soul; she lives for that person; cherishes all the memories they have held in the past. She hates goodbyes because her love is unending… She doesn’t hold bitterness and wants only positive goodness for those she loves even if they have left her. She isn’t perfect she has her moodiness and she gets angry about her undying loyalty and his broken promises; but if he were to call in need; there is no doubt she would drop everything she is doing to be there for him; and he KNOWS IT!
Marisa taught me all about unconditional love, the day she was born.
The color pink= NURTURING and Compassion perfect Marisa who has a strong need to nurture and to be nurtured. Marisa is one who will always want to come to those in any kind of need even when she herself is in need. I can’t believe how several days after Marisa was asked by Luis to co-direct the 2015 St. Matt’s Teen Act Retreat her heart was broken; she gave her all to her team, to her director; and after she wore her serving; giving, nurturing, compassionate hat she would come home and cry her nights because she felt so broken, lost, and everything she ever dreamed of was gone. While she felt separate from all she knew when she would stop and think; she kept her focus and energy on cultivating positive energy for others during one of the hardest time in her life.
She often tells me I am her hero; I hope she knows she is mine. The older you get; the more beautiful your soul shines; don’t ever lose that but always use every opportunity to become better; it is always my focus!
Pink is made of Red and White~ RED ~action color WHITE~Insight Use all the wisdom and insight you have gained during this time period and all the experiences in your life to choose actions that will make you soar. You know how I feel about all my broken experiences; I use them because they have given me a knowledge and perception only those who truly have felt it can understand. Think about your intimate knowledge and use it for redemption; use your new-found enlightenment as a powerful weapon with pride as you have achieved it; always guide and only take on battles for righteousness; fight for peace of the heart for yourself and others.
The colors PINK and WHITE both represent HOPE. I know it has been hard for you to let go because you are full of hope; and you always hope for the happy ending you have imagined; but sometimes we have to change our mind as we grow and realize. Your desires have to change if you are being saddened by any previous choice; letting go of a dream is hard but your dream lives on in another soul. You deserve someone to desire you as a person; as a woman, and as a companion. You are too worthy to hold on to someone who desires you every know and then. You deserve someone who desires you physically, emotionally, and mentally. Hope= Confidence, Trust, Reliance, Faith, and Security. Someone with so much courage they will fight for you; no fear will come between you and them and when it does they don’t run, because you are irreplaceable!
I think my most favorite thing about the pink is it’s a HOT PINK = childish innocence As you have reached the wonderful year of 18, remember to stay innocent just like a child… I will say it over and over; it is so fun to hang on to it, even in my forties I refuse to let go. However as a woman stay fresh as pink, but know you are as hot as hot pink. This color signifies you are ready to be flirty and while I hope you will always stay as pure (white) as possible remember to never be ashamed of your passionate side.
PURPLE my most favorite color = Good Judgment
Good judgment is another Marisa attribute; I appreciate the fact you don’t jump into any circumstance without thinking about it from many angles. I admire you rarely allow your emotions to motivate your decisions, I love the way you turn to God because if there is anyone you want on your side, well. Purple=seeking spiritual fulfillment. Seriously one of my favorite things about our relationship is how spiritual we are. I love talking about God, hope, faith, miracles, intuition, the Holy Spirit, and all the blessings life brings.
Wear your colors proudly; you deserve to! Hang on to that charisma and out of this world energy it is alluring. Open your heart again all the colors signify you are ready.
ATTN to all haters, and breakers of my heart, my daughters heart, and everyone I love I make a dedication to you …
When the time is right, you will see this message! No need to respond, answer, acknowledge anyone during this time you need to take for yourself. I know your loving and caring heart Kara please don’t worry about anyone but you. Your friends are here for you praying for strength for you and your family…