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Finding answers in the danger zone

Do you think that for a minute, we actually make our lives harder than they are supposed to be; because that is how we were brought into this world. Do you ever think that just maybe, we really don’t have to actually carry all the crap we do carry; but we choose to. When things get easier, we take on more, just to feel that feeling of heaviness.

Damn, we are strong, damn we can carry a lot and you know what, we do with all our heavy heart.

A higher power is telling me today, it is our choice to take on all those things that are larger than life and keep them alive. It is up to us, what we choose to carry and hold so tightly to. Sometimes, there really isn’t anyone to blame, but us; who keeps it right over our shoulders. The hard truth is with every extra weight we take on, it does make us stronger and tougher, but it also makes us hurt and that can weaken our spirit.

How much is too much; I had a close friend who was my friend for years, but messaged me one day and told me his wife left me because of my posts; I have absolutely no power over anyone, and what I share or hold on my own is mine and only mine. What is yours is yours; and theirs is only their own. I will continue to share what I feel, and I share because I know I am not alone. If you feel you are left for whatever reason that has nothing to do with me.

What are you working for, what is important to you, and how is that relevant to anyone else but you? I don’t feel sorry for myself, I choose, like you. I also realize, and gather all my keeps, hold onto them and learn to let go of my “keep-nots”.

What cross do we want to continue to carry, what cross is weighing us down the most, what cross is worth the challenge, and what cross completely is unnecesassary? Whatever it is we want or need to completely understand but just can’t is what we need to completely pay attention to.

Moving forward is necessary to gain more satisfaction, however it doesn’t have to be at the price of completely falling forward. We have so many priorities in this life, sometimes other things are more important than others; but we need to keep the right energy around us if we want to feel unified on the path. The energy used is the effort, and everyone should give more to what truly is important, and having the right squad around is a powerful network.

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Many of us choose to do things alone, whether it is because we can’t trust others, or the plain fact we’ve done it alone all along. The truth is different people can bring in different insight, when we are so close to the picture, we really don’t see the complete picture at times. Sometimes, we see the complete picture or what we think it is in others lives, we love them and want them to see it too; but they don’t just yet and sometimes it seems like it takes them forever. Even though we love someone else, it is not our job to change their path or their mind; we can point them in a direction and share what we know to be; but the truth is everyone has to make their own decisions.

Letting go isn’t easy, especially when it really isn’t our choice or what we want to do; but sometimes it is something so necessary. Letting go of a difficulty in our life that keeps us from moving forward to where we have to go or just have the peace to be the person we need to be. Sometimes we aren’t use to moving forward alone, and that is tough when there really isn’t anyone around who is supposed to level up with you. Find faith in knowing what starts as a small crawl, nosing your way through will eventually turn into a strong stride.

Security is one of the greatest feelings and sometimes the venture into territory that gives us a feeling of complete defenslessness makes us feel even further away from our homebase. Where is our homebase though, do we even know, who gives us a security of home, do we keep those kind of people? There really is reason after reason that sometimes we are at home and feel completely homeless. When it somes down to it, I think everyone really just wants to go home. I know it is cliche but, Home really is where the heart is.

Perfection does not exist, not in our life, not in us, and not in our homes. It is ok to realize there is light and darkness in everything. We wake up each day and each of us holds a different motive, but what is important is even with all the temptations the world brings, we need to remember what our important motive of the day will be. Danger is everywhere and that is the truth.

Sadly, our world is full of bitter humans who hide in the shadows to ruin others, and that is where the devil lies. Just like good, evil has motives as well. We need to be stronger, much more clever than the fox, we must remember our drive and trust our instincts. If you need an answer, pray, God will send you the answer. The answer is written in the skies above, it moves in the waters around us, it is in the lighheartness we feel in others, it resonates in the spirit that will bring us joy.

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One break then huge step back!

We don’t have a lot of the facts in this life. We only see what’s in front of us at the moment. I believe in a higher power above, all knowing who watches us get angry and hurt at all the things in life we can’t control or that don’t turn out how we planned.

How can we make answers and plans for our life when we don’t even quite understand what journey we need to take? Life is more than the habit, it’s more than waking up and going through the motions. Our bodies may fail us, but our spirit will definitely sustain us. We can’t allow our spirit to weaken and eventually die. We can’t allow hard times, evilness, and darkness to take away our light. One new beginning seems to follow with a few setbacks… Always searching for that one “break” in life.

Things seem to finally be falling into place then here it comes, something happens in life that completely changes us, changes our lives forever. Why? Why? We ask… That is when we need to remember anything that crushes us will be restored stronger, anything that was taken for granted will be refurbished with a greater appreciation. We will finish with a new recognition and that is how we will know the difference. We will see what we couldn’t before and only through a new experience will we see it differently. We will stop judging others because we will be too focused on making right the only person we can truly do that for. We will discover a new self with a presence greater than ever before. This enlightenment was discovered in Proverbs 18:13-16

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Tattoos=bad girls+good girls, Women, Double standard, Videos, Blogging!

I got my first tattoo about six years ago on my birthday!  My best friend Gustavo suggested a tattoo artist named Joe Al.  I wanted to pick someone who was not only professional in their artistic design; but someone who I was sure was awesome with colors, angles, precision, proportions, placement; and who would also allow us to play with ideas of where this tattoo would eventually end up to be in its final stage; I am in a lot of ways a perfectionist.  I have seen people’s banners on their body look like a piece of fried bacon; I wanted the best!  After each of my tattoos; I knew Joe Al would be the one for my next, next, next, and next~

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As we began to discuss the tattoo in mind, shortly after I walked in, I immediately knew I was where I should be as his musical selection began; the mood was exactly where it needed to be. I am extremely loyal and unlikely to go elsewhere unless Gus himself does it.

I think the demeanor and professionalism of the chosen tattoo artist is of utmost importance; it isn’t only a “BEGINNING” or “END” that will leave a FoReVeR mark on your body; one’s comfort level is extremely important for an experience I would say in a lot of ways it is extremely intimate especially if it is a tattoo done in someone’s honor; or closing an emotional chapter.  The experience getting the tattoo can be the end or the beginning of a new chapter but in addition, it will now be a specific part of a new memory adding to a new experience that is finalizing a journey which you can manipulate in your own way or beginning a hopeful one while you are in control.

My 2nd tattoo

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Both of these were during a time I was leaving behind an almost 20 year marriage; so these were emotionally driven.  I would have to say the experience was extremely empowering.

A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise

I love color and I knew I wanted to add color to both more anything as soon as possible.  But, I also knew the colors were extremely important in meaning and had to be picked with much thought.

When I went back to Joe Al I knew I wanted to add something I would love along with the color to make my key even more significant.  The design was completed by my best friend at the time, Gustavo.

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He did a skull which we often spoke about how much we were drawn to.  The representation of the human head that holds the most important part of our being, our brain.  I have my degree in Psychology and for years I was obsessed with the human brain, and during my later years of my courses in study; I was sure I wanted to be a Neuroscientist.

I LOVE the BRAIN!!!!!! My favorite topic is the brain!!!! Brain: apparatus with which we think that we think~~~~~

A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots~ Marcus Garvey

A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than
much knowledge that is idle~ Khalil Gibran

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My favorite color is purple and Joe Al knew exactly what to do with the color; as in some sort of magical mist; it’s the essence of what lives inside my head.

Gustavo felt the skull represented a masculine side; I definitely hold masculinity in my being.  I am so girly in outer appearance; but my spirit and being is extremely masculine.

The vine with thorns is protective in nature; surrounding my key; I am extremely territorial with what is mine and the vine and thorns represents that protection; especially during a time in my life where I was completely manifesting into a different level of love and commitment.

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“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”

A body is a journal; and what its ornate with, tells a story~

Every tattoo has an interesting story!

Wear your heart on your skin in this life.

“Tattoos are a right of passage. They’re a marker of bravery, of maturity, of cultural experience. The Tattoo represents not only a willingness to accept pain-to endure it, but a need to actively embrace it. Because life is painful-beautiful but painful!”

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Someone commented in my tattoo album I have on Facebook, here is a copy of my album below.

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The comment was on a pic of a tattoo I have; that I got 2 years ago

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When someone on Facebook comments on a picture or post no matter how old it is it comes up on everybody’s news feed and many people think it is a new picture.

My grandma is 83 years old so she is extremely old school; and I have joked on Facebook numerous times about her “forgetting” about my tattoos; and I am forever getting in “trouble” for them over and over again.  Just like when I was in middle school; she would yell at me for writing and having drawings on myself with pen; but back then, no one really had tattoo’s unless you were a sailor or in the military. 😀

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So, a 2 yrs old picture caused a lot of distress to my grandmother; in which I reminded her she already knew about it and reminded her I had kept my word since the day she saw it and I’d promised her to always wear a full length skirt in front of GRAMP’s who she said I would be responsible for giving a heart attack to! I’d kept my word, which was hard for me.  (Complete Double standard)

I think it is an extremely sad thing when someone can’t be their self; or has to put on a front especially for the people who mean the most to them. It is almost as if the love is full of conditions; while it hurts I try to understand the way of thinking was different back in the days and for some by the time they are of age stuck in ways they won’t change their mind.

However, I would never stop my son or daughters from getting a tattoo; I would never discourage any woman even though it is very hard for us with tattoos especially with so many still extremely conservative and ignorant views. I think it is sad for any woman to feel that she doesn’t have the same rights as a man or just a human being to do what she feels she needs to do with her body; so many feel they have to question or justify a woman’s reasoning; if she isn’t hurting or having a negative effect on anyone else; why is a woman needing to continue to explain her reasoning.  The truth is, no matter how displeased anyone maybe to see a tattoo; a tattoo does not have the power to give someone a heart attack or any other health ailment by viewing it on another’s body.

In fact in so many ways; my latest tattoo represents what this whole article is about in so many ways.  The truth is my last tattoo’s meaning is true, 100%, and beautiful!  I didn’t plan on putting up a picture of it completed with color because I didn’t want to rock any boats for people who shouldn’t even be riding on this boat.

After much thought, I decided I am going to include it in this article however; and I would like to add that I have no regrets and I am in love with it.

My last tattoo represents my current part of my life; so it is very dear to me; even though I have had it for two years already; it is now! It represents all the hurt I have had the past few years; the let downs, the people lost, the dog is the perfect representation of me…  and the funny thing is Gus crafted this representing himself.  We were both holding onto life together the past almost 8 years; so it is the perfect representation.

The dog in this piece represents how we feel in this world at times, completely ripped apart!!!!! Without, the comfort of skin in which we all have that is very different looking we are all the same; made of bones.  So many people hold onto so many discriminations and prejudices when it comes to the color of our skin; and how it is adorned.  When we are raw… skull and bones we are all the same; but even then… in between the protection of our ribs resides the heart.   The world can scar me, rip me, eat my flesh, watch me fall; but my heart; I am in control of my heart and my heart ❤️ is still intact, I am still and will always be me.  I will always do what is right for myself, for me, my significant other, and my kids.  I can be stripped of ALL possessions; lose all I have ever acquired, but never my heart!  Surrounding the dog; the flowers because even when life has completely been twisted beyond repair; and fallen from the highest heights; or felt drowned in the harshest air depleting ways, there is still so much beauty in the world.  I love all the eyes the dog holds; eyes are the window to the soul; and to me each is expressing a different personality; a different expression, a different side of the self. I wear my heart on my sleeve and when you look at this dog; you want to know more. There is so much chaos; it is so expressive; and even with all the chaotic feel; you still recognize the beauty… Obviously the dog/self has been through a lot but it’s heart is still the same; strong and working strong… and no matter what has come and gone; the dog allowed nothing to change its good heart ♥; Gus said he sensed a hint of paranoia I actually see strength and confidence! Here is the painting….

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Tattoos do not make a person hard, soft, good or bad ! Tats are a story about hurt, pain, trials, struggles, overcomings, and so much more~   Every time I have tried to explain there are some people who are just set in their ways; and there are some people who just love to rock the boat; shame on them. Shame on anyone who continues to make another human being feel like they are less of person; or less of a woman because of ideas someone else placed in your mind about any outdated idea of how a woman should be! I am not “loose” with my morals I will say I am extremely conservative with my catholic upbringing; and people tend to believe if you have tattoos then your morals must be low.  While they can be a form of rebellion; I felt in so many ways when I was getting my first tattoo; I was upset I felt I had a love taken away from me; the till death do us part wasn’t happening; I then felt I had something that I could take to my grave; and it was my own way to say; no one can take this from me and they won’t.

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A tattoo really puts you into a whole new level when it comes to body awareness; I think that is extremely important to someone who loves and appreciates their body; you learn to appreciate it even more in so many ways; especially when you carry something so deep and personal with you always.

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I think when it comes down to it; nobody ever really wants to let their parents or grandparents down; and each time my grandma gets upset I have to remind her; who I am; what I stand for and what I have done; and what I do… I am a good mother; I am funny, sweet, kind-hearted, I am a good granddaughter; there for my grandparents when they need me even if it’s every year just moving her zillion of plants around; I work hard in the community giving back; i have an awesome reputation; I am crazy and kooky but everyone and anyone would vouch I am all heart; trustworthy, hardworking, great with people, I am open-minded, understanding and forgiving.  I have old fashion good morals; don’t drink, or party till i make stupid choices; I have been good to all I encounter and I love passionately from all my being… so what anyone thinks about a tattoo added to me isn’t important; when so many without tattoo’s don’t have 1/2 of the heart I do; or can sleep great at night with the choices they make or will make.

So, while tattoo’s don’t make you physically stronger, they definitely make your personality stronger; with all the strength it takes from staying true to what you represent; while the rest of the world questions you using words or expressions.  I am use to defending myself though; it seems it has always been my way of life; it is when you don’t follow the status quo; and I never will, I wasn’t made to!

Joe Al @ Rad Lettering 6633 S Zarzamora Suit 101, San Antonio, Texas 78211
(210) 683-9550
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Life, a Date like no other~

Yesterday was one of the toughest days of my life and it continues, but in a different way;

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One thing I thank God for; is the Peace he puts in my heart; in my spirit.

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After  our date last night, I received exactly what I needed.

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He is amazing; he always knows what I need; even when I don’t know; but there he is; giving me what I need; he always pulls me through…

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I am strong, we are stronger together; I have the KING on my side and I am his princess; I come from royalty

It seems I have gone through a lifetime of difference; always trying to make order from the disorder; even as a little girl it seemed to much to understand; but it wasn’t for me understand just yet.  Since I can remember; I had to be at least six years old; I found my constant companion, chaos.  Chaos continued to be my company, my best friend who refuses to leave my side; almost always there to remind me his job is never done; and always holding on tight reminding me, there is NO RANSOM I am all his.

Full of fear, I ask for help and there you are as I finally focus, on my other side; always by my side when I call your name; I look and there you are; staying true; how do I forget about you?  How do I ignore your presence?   Like magic my fear is gone and I have found my comfort again.

My entourage is big sometimes; I am a lover of people and friends; so they see a friend in me; shining with love and comfort to give; because that is what I want.  Sometimes, my entourage is small because just like me; we all have our fears, make mistakes, and refuse to forgive; even when we are all the same; with just one mighty judge.

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No matter who is on my side; no one can compare; you are greater than any, you take me  onto your shoulders dear one; you allow me to fly; and when I do; wow, can I fly. <3

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Recently, this week~ I found myself in a situation that is very familiar; I have been here before in this place; it is a place of sadness; when the sun becomes your early morning wedgie. When the flowers are the scent that brings up the word vomit; I am sad; and can’t find my happy place.  I feel so isolated; so alone; emotionally broken, knowing that no one can give me the answer; and the reality is no one can because it isn’t there life to live.  Who am I to decide what to say, I am just a sinner I am tainted; I am everything Jesus is not; who am I to lead, who am I to direct?

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How can I be here again, it was a horrid trauma and not just that; but how many times must I relive the places no one else has to walk or would even get close to?  Familiar places give you an advantage though; this time; you will do it differently; with a little more knowledge and wisdom; it doesn’t take away pain but it maybe a little bit easier.  Like a cruel joke; my cross seemed so much heavier even more than the initial hit; as I looked at all the familiar devastating elements; I then saw the most beautiful familiar face; that of my child.  Life plays dirty; the dirtiest.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and all I can do is carry her through…. If I had to go through hell to carry her through; that I would do… that is what love is; and I know love!  I live love, if there is anything I understand it is that of love; because I feel his love.

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When I walked in and saw with my own eyes your body in Eucharistic form just like the last supper; I felt your presence,  you are here …

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you are with me everyday; a peace was inside; I was overcome by the comfort of your arms my Lord.  Best date ever… the connection was amazing; your mercy~ is relentless… how can anyone doubt this?

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and sometimes I am positive all I really know is LOVE and how it continues to go on and on.

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I don’t know why life is so hard, or why people like me~ the anxious ones are given so many reasons to find the sincerity of anxiety.  I don’t know why those like me~indecisive and full of panic., are given the hardest decisions to make during the hardest times, to lead others to believe when all I want to do is fall apart.

All I understand is love; so I begin this Friday with the love of the truth…

 

He will get us through!

Thank you  St. Pius X 3907 Harry Wurzbach, San Antonio, Texas 78209 for the intimate setting!

Adoration is currently open till MIDNIGHT at this location.

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Death, Struggling with grief for a friend Kara

When the time is right, you will see this message!  No need to respond, answer, acknowledge anyone during this time you need to take for yourself.  I know your loving and caring heart Kara please don’t worry about anyone but you.  Your friends are here for you praying for strength for you and your family…

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I woke this morning and got the “news” from one of my closest friends Corrine at 5 am; one of my friends from high school Kara who has become dear to me here on Facebook since April 2013,  her 14-year-old son, Issac passed on.  It’s been about 3 hours and I am still sitting here numb and in tears because I can only imagine how my dear friend is struggling.

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I only know Issac from his pictures on Facebook; I have grown to love the heart of his mother, Kara.  I have gotten to know the kids though the daily pics and happenings.  Kara is one of those friends who not only remembers you on special days like your birthday, but will stop her busy to life to send heartfelt support during the many everyday struggles life brings.  Kara runs a busy life with her kids; but she always offers support to her friends in need.  Her humor is one of a kind and is quite often a breath of fresh air.  I have found my attachment to her warm motherly heart, and enjoy the fact I am able to share in her life through social media.  I think of Kara during my Facebook escapes and she always brings a sense of joy and love to my heart with just the mere thought of her sweet face.

Thank you for being so thoughtful to me my friend; my numerous Madonna pictures and video surprises you have thoughtfully and randomly shared with me throughout the past few years.  The videos always bring a wonderful smile to my face; because not only do you remind me of a time in my life when we were so young and free; you always soften my heart when most needed because it takes me back to that “needed” place in time for a moment when I didn’t know what it felt like to be overwhelmed with responsibility.  Your numerous gestures and your forever supportive friendship have never gone unnoticed; and I want you to know there were times you may not have known but your kindness, funny honesty is what I needed, I received your blessings at times I was deeply sad or sick;  a simple gesture from a friend showing I was thought of during some of my hardest struggles in my life.

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I am heartbroken today for you because you are in a sincerely devastating nightmare; I can’t even imagine nor do I want to imagine what it feels like to lose your child; it is NOT supposed to be that way.  I understand the anger though; the anger that comes with losing someone loved, life is terribly cruel at times; and here we are slapped in the face with it; we find ourselves suffering and all we really know is; that… it feels like our hearts are ripping out of our body; and we wonder if we will ever find a bit of relief.

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I will tell you my dear friend that I have found my peace at times when needed during the moments of silence; allow yourself to go there a whole hell of a lot during this time.  I promise you if you seek out and grasp a hold of faith with every bit of might you can muster, you will find a power that will finally allow you to feel the fear being lifted; and all those harsh feelings that come along with fear~ regret, guilt, hopelessness, sadness… just to name a few.  I think you need to hold on to the memory of his voice you heard; it was him I am 100% sure… he wanted you to know he is ALWAYS here with you.  Our bodies are a simple vessel; the spirit is what we are; hang out to that truth.

Allow yourself to smile again with the truth of eternal life.  where you will one day not have to part again; while you are in the dark shadow find your peace remembering your sweet boy is in the light.  While he is at rest; and you still in the progress of your journey here on earth; you will experience that moment or moments when you will feel his presence; and you will feel the light; and those moments will give you the strength you will need to make it another day.

Let go, he is at home; he is free~He is in a place of peace this earth cannot give us,  he was called by name~Issac, if you believe, you will see him again.

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I love you my friend; my thoughts, prayers and heart is with you and your family.