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Finding answers in the danger zone

Do you think that for a minute, we actually make our lives harder than they are supposed to be; because that is how we were brought into this world. Do you ever think that just maybe, we really don’t have to actually carry all the crap we do carry; but we choose to. When things get easier, we take on more, just to feel that feeling of heaviness.

Damn, we are strong, damn we can carry a lot and you know what, we do with all our heavy heart.

A higher power is telling me today, it is our choice to take on all those things that are larger than life and keep them alive. It is up to us, what we choose to carry and hold so tightly to. Sometimes, there really isn’t anyone to blame, but us; who keeps it right over our shoulders. The hard truth is with every extra weight we take on, it does make us stronger and tougher, but it also makes us hurt and that can weaken our spirit.

How much is too much; I had a close friend who was my friend for years, but messaged me one day and told me his wife left me because of my posts; I have absolutely no power over anyone, and what I share or hold on my own is mine and only mine. What is yours is yours; and theirs is only their own. I will continue to share what I feel, and I share because I know I am not alone. If you feel you are left for whatever reason that has nothing to do with me.

What are you working for, what is important to you, and how is that relevant to anyone else but you? I don’t feel sorry for myself, I choose, like you. I also realize, and gather all my keeps, hold onto them and learn to let go of my “keep-nots”.

What cross do we want to continue to carry, what cross is weighing us down the most, what cross is worth the challenge, and what cross completely is unnecesassary? Whatever it is we want or need to completely understand but just can’t is what we need to completely pay attention to.

Moving forward is necessary to gain more satisfaction, however it doesn’t have to be at the price of completely falling forward. We have so many priorities in this life, sometimes other things are more important than others; but we need to keep the right energy around us if we want to feel unified on the path. The energy used is the effort, and everyone should give more to what truly is important, and having the right squad around is a powerful network.

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Many of us choose to do things alone, whether it is because we can’t trust others, or the plain fact we’ve done it alone all along. The truth is different people can bring in different insight, when we are so close to the picture, we really don’t see the complete picture at times. Sometimes, we see the complete picture or what we think it is in others lives, we love them and want them to see it too; but they don’t just yet and sometimes it seems like it takes them forever. Even though we love someone else, it is not our job to change their path or their mind; we can point them in a direction and share what we know to be; but the truth is everyone has to make their own decisions.

Letting go isn’t easy, especially when it really isn’t our choice or what we want to do; but sometimes it is something so necessary. Letting go of a difficulty in our life that keeps us from moving forward to where we have to go or just have the peace to be the person we need to be. Sometimes we aren’t use to moving forward alone, and that is tough when there really isn’t anyone around who is supposed to level up with you. Find faith in knowing what starts as a small crawl, nosing your way through will eventually turn into a strong stride.

Security is one of the greatest feelings and sometimes the venture into territory that gives us a feeling of complete defenslessness makes us feel even further away from our homebase. Where is our homebase though, do we even know, who gives us a security of home, do we keep those kind of people? There really is reason after reason that sometimes we are at home and feel completely homeless. When it somes down to it, I think everyone really just wants to go home. I know it is cliche but, Home really is where the heart is.

Perfection does not exist, not in our life, not in us, and not in our homes. It is ok to realize there is light and darkness in everything. We wake up each day and each of us holds a different motive, but what is important is even with all the temptations the world brings, we need to remember what our important motive of the day will be. Danger is everywhere and that is the truth.

Sadly, our world is full of bitter humans who hide in the shadows to ruin others, and that is where the devil lies. Just like good, evil has motives as well. We need to be stronger, much more clever than the fox, we must remember our drive and trust our instincts. If you need an answer, pray, God will send you the answer. The answer is written in the skies above, it moves in the waters around us, it is in the lighheartness we feel in others, it resonates in the spirit that will bring us joy.

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Love your life

Inquiring minds always want to know and Michele Renee well, that is me! I’ve spent my life sharing honesty, ūüíĮ, real , raw, yup; an open book. Sharing everything I understand and all I completely try to and will without a doubt get to!

The last few months has taken me on a journey unlike any other, searching and trying to hold on to the sweet memories of the past; but also learning to let go and accept the fact, the past is the past!

It’s always easy to remember the memories with golden sprinkles of excellence but the truth is the existence lives in my brain the way I decide to keep it, and the truth is, it’s gone!

The last few decades I begged God, send me love and in so many strange ways he did. Finding love in so many ways made me realize it wasn’t found on the outside, but within.

A few months ago I was hurt really bad in love and I didn’t want God to ever send me love again I just wanted to love, understand love and learn it on a whole new level…ask and you shall receive! When you give love though it definitely comes back twofold!

A better me begins each day and along the way God sends me new people to love and appreciate, it doesn’t mean any of the others are less worthy it’s just I follow my heart and trust and it’s always the way it should be. As most people will say I hold high energy, loving each day with a thrive, my peeps are always the ones with that high energy climb…. mistakes are being made but together we are learning and making adjustments because we matter individually, paired, and in unison.

Living with haters who wanna watch a fall , lol makes us laugh harder and appreciate the struggle in all ….

There are a lot of fake people who act like they love us and have our back but the truth shows, love doesn’t have conditions. I know we get mad when life doesn’t work as we planned but it isn’t our plan it’s God’s plan! It’s not about reading a few bible verses and believing it and stopping there! Let’s think about living the word on the daily even when it’s not in our selected favor, the one we believe should be happening when we want it to.

I’m sorry if I hurt you, our understanding maybe done but I never meant to hurt you. If you look at me and it creates a negative emotion within that’s not what it was ever suppose to be about. I don’t understand why life happens the way it does but this year more than ever I pray for peace and understanding and if someone is stuck in their own belief system, there isn’t much compromise there.

When you spend the last few years struggling and losing everything you worked hard for and held onto you learn to really just love what you have today and enjoy this moment.

Yesterday was never better than today and tomorrow will be even greater. Fuck that motto, “There are no guarantees!” We hold the power to be greater than before and that is a guarantee! The moment you let go of the control to be better is the moment you will skip, fall and miss it!

I’ve spent the last few months with all those people I know who remind me its time to thrive ! The haters around just remind us all that we’ve just arrived earlier so all we can do is hope one day they get there too and if not, sucks for them! ūüėā

In every fight the struggle is different and only quite a few embrace that and learn it enough to appreciate the blessed finish!

I’m on my way and loving each day, at last !

I have always been honestly blunt and as much as I love words and talk without much pause I’m learning too! The things we say can echo on and on for an eternity, and people give me their words and I take them for truth when actually they can often be a bunch of beliefs that only live in their head. So working on speaking only words of encouragement, hope, and always truth and if we can’t be that in each other, chapter ends! Sorry for the terrible things I’ve said in anger to you if I’ve ever hurt you. I am learning when I’m emotional, I need to talk to God first!

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Why can’t I feel loved the way I want, need, and deserve?

I am angry at life for taking me on an unexpected journey. I am frustrated with friends who love me with conditions, angry when I don’t do what they say, unforgiving people who have flaws of their own. I am sad when loved ones demand and expect me to give when I’m trying so hard to just make it to the next day. When I give myself to one which I rarely do and they can delete a part of me from a certain side of their life for whatever reason they feel necessary, and act as if they are unaware. I’m hurt by times I’ve giving my love away and made myself believe it was reciprocated, and not just during convenience of desire.

I believe I haven’t quite received the level of love that keeps me secure because I have a little more to learn to reach that level. It’s amazing to realize every single one of us has the same instructions on finding true and secure love, 1 Corinthians 13 tells us the way.

We can’t just preach and sing of the word if we don’t really learn how to truly love one another. We must learn that we are not greater than any other, we all have different gifts, we all contribute in our own individual ways. Many of us have the opportunity to shine bright in the day sky for the world to see, while others shine just as bright in the night sky while most are asleep.

The truth is no matter what we have done or do, when we leave nothing if it isn’t done from love. If we spend our time with others but feel no love, we can walk away and truly say it was nothing.

Love is patient it doesn’t rush another it doesn’t keep score. If you are tally the occurrence or keeping tabs on the gifts given or received is there patience? Patience is not having an immediate answer or resolution, even if we expect a certain outcome. Patience is having a strong mind keeping high energy while staying devoted. Crisis definitely tests are patience and shows who will die at the post!

Love is kind, it is what Gods grace is all about. Kindness is being unselfish and having sympathy for another. It’s being tender toward those who show the need, and being a friend. Kindness is tolerating others especially when they are intolerable, but considering what they are going through in this world and being generous and caring for their best interest.

Love doesn’t envy another. Love doesn’t hold grudges, it learns to forgive with understanding. Love is letting go of self importance, it is not self seeking. Love is knowing that God is greater than I .

Rudeness is causing violence and creating disorder, love is not rude. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs!

The words from God!

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I am a hero!

This song was released in 2001; and I found myself playing it on repeat today in 2018; retrospectively I sit here deep in thought about this time in my life and similarities to some of my current feelings. During the time I didn’t have a copy of the song in my collection; it didn’t hold any significant meaning. Then a couple of years ago the lyrics grabbed my attention and added it to my library. I knew it meant something important, I decided I would listen to it until I figured it out.

During the time the song was released I had been living in Plano, Texas a part of the great Metroplex~ Dallas, Texas for a few years, getting ready to move back home~ San Antonio.

Heading to temporary directions, Marisa & I moved in with my grandparents for a while and then shortly after a stay with my mother. I know I didn’t really understand at that specific time what “having a hero” felt like. I just knew that more than anything the only way I was going to be able to be someone’s hero was to find my own to teach me the ways ūüėČ I never realized at the time I would actually be learning how to be my own hero first to know what a real actual hero consisted of; so that I would be able to actually go out in the world and accurately find my own.

Each new day is an opportunity to practice being heroic. Some days the real battle is finding my strength; and other days, it is finding my peace; balance has always been my nemesis.

I first found my power, my strength in my role as a mom; it fueled me with a wonderful powerful fuel of love, acceptance, forgiveness, understanding, and fierce protective inclinations.

My first baby was born a few days shy of my 23 birthday; and as soon as she was able to speak; she began to introduce me to what feeling like a hero felt like.

I loved that I was 100% her hero…ūüíĖMarisaūüíĖ Any day, any time, she knew I would be there for her… Love her, support her, care for her with all my soul all I could. I also knew that my baby girl who was only 4 years old at the time would one day grow up and find her own handsome hero and become a hero to her beloveds, I vowed to show her right …

I pray often that she will always know I will forever cherish the memory of when she made me a hero. Being a mother is amazing; it is a lot of responsibility; a whole lot of love, fun, happiness, and what a powerful relationship it grows to be I found now that she is an adult.

From the day of their birth and until the day I (mom) die, I get to guide these interesting beings, enjoy all the great times as I watch them learn how to one day go rule the world in their own unique way. It really made me realize more than anything, I wanted to be a hero forever, greatest feeling yet; to be the sunshine on their gloomy day.

The song had me believing I could be a hero again to someone on a different level.

The beginning of the song begins with a whisper, “Let me be your hero…” So, meaningful the whisper indicates the closeness of their interaction, and very powerful, because the truth is that¬†we actually do have to allow someone to be our hero. It really isn’t easy to put down defenses, and allow yourself an opportunity for possible surprise attacks, especially for those of us who have been hurt a lot. Trusting someone you care for after you have found it hard to trust anyone can be a difficult feat.

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I can forgive myself for the part I personally played in keeping all those relationships with people I couldn’t trust in my life; and for way to long. I am also going to forgive myself for not allowing love for most of my life, I chose instead to replay in my mind the past pains and mistakes out of fear of finding myself in the same situation over and over again.

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I am trustworthy, therefore I know I can trust another soul; just as they can trust me. I will remind myself, and when I forget or doubt; my hero will help me remember and believe it.

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Love, is wonderful it always thinks about the best interest of the relationship and the best interest of both the other and self as individuals and as a unity. The freedom to be who we are down to the core in all situations, the good, the bad, the pretty, and the ugly; recognizing all the dynamic elements of who we have become up until the very moment; along with the freedom of letting go all the elements that are no longer us.

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My hero gives me encouragement to be so much greater as I am always on that upward climb to excellence. My hero gives me strength and confidence to achieve even my hardest goals because they know I am strong and have all the qualities to accomplish them. My hero’s strength surpasses all the strongest beings that is why they are my hero; my confidence in them gives them the only place, way above all others, right next to me.

My hero is fair, he is just; and reminds me to be fair and just. I will be your hero if you let me, I will always play fair and be just in all I do.
Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you be willing to do the simple things for me; the little things really do all add up.

Would you run and never look back? Most of the time when someone who is use to always taking and not giving has a change or shift in their dynamic; it will change the relationship.¬† If the person is needing to give to the other and isn’t use to it; a lot of self centered people will run away; go find the “next one”; who is ready to give to to them. Initially, it is easy to “give” to a person to most people during the infatuation period of a relationship; it is new exciting and the adrenaline working gives you a boost of energy in the initial stages.¬†¬†

Would you cry if you saw me crying? Does your soul care for mine? If I am happy do you feel the happiness inside just as if it were your own; never jealous or bitter.

If I see you crying it would devastate me, because my pain hurts; and when you hurt, I hurt. Would you save my soul tonight? It really feels in so many ways your hero saves your soul; mends it and nourishes it…

“Hero”

Let me be your hero

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back?
Would you cry if you saw me crying?
Would you save my soul tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this.
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear that you’ll always be mine?
Would you lie? Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
I don’t care. You’re here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you, oh, yeah.

Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
Well, I don’t care. You’re here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain, oh, yeah.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

(I can be your hero, baby)
I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

You can take my breath away.

A hero~ to me is someone who has affected my life in the most profound way. My hero is someone who I know will protect me with all their soul; my hero will die fighting for me; because my hero thinks I am worth more than anything else in this world.

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The most beautiful feeling is when someone cherishes you; I am not just talking about love… I mean they cherish you; they find you as the most interesting person; the thought of new ventures wouldn’t be worth it unless you are by their side. They see all the beauty you hold; and don’t really need or want to look elsewhere. There’s no curiousity just a fulfilled souls who only yearns and seeks more from the one…the one that no one could make /seem interesting, everyone isn’t just a down grade they aren’t even on the same level.

IS ANYBODY ELSE really OUT THERE?!

You can feel it; and they won’t let you forget it. Gustavo Montiel thank you for being my hero, I want to be yours … And we will figure out all the lose ends together ūüėČ its so much better with you!

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Art done with a brush by ūüíŹ

I am Gustavo

Happy Birthday Gustavo!

Are You Human, Gus?

Gus & Michele 2 Years of Happiness

Artwork by Gustavo Montiel the Third

 

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I gave birth to a struggle today~

I gave birth to a struggle today, and left that baby at the firehouse!

Music Video Blog Theme~

I always follow my blog stats and my articles talking about God are never big hits, but let me have some hard times and vent and make a fool of myself and those stats start booming. ~ human nature I guess… so I am not expecting this article to get many hits; but those of you who read this may need it just as much as I do!

Today I need strength, and no matter how hard I try to look for those things that build me up, strong, and firm out in this world, it always is extremely temporary. I find peace in those who seem to hold me sincere, but a lot of those who have, can just as easily let me go…

People who have meant the world to me have betrayed me, but it doesn’t take long to come to the realization that I as a human being are subject to the same human fault whether it is intentional or not. It really makes me think about how hollow we as human beings can be, and how its easier to just let people go, blame them and not work together.

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I remember times I felt lonely and found myself more willing to settle for the company I invited which in effect only caused me to feel so disrespected until I finally started realizing I was the one who was really hurting myself.

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I struggle today because I have such a strong yearning to be so much more than a miserable angry human and some days I feel sad as if I am fighting against a world that doesn’t understand Love, Truth, and laughs at the idea of lighting the earth with Peace. Life is so hard, people attack, situations happen, people we love disappear and become strangers, people we need have their own needs, people we meet are not who they seem to be, sometimes we are looking~ looking and searching for our purpose and it seems the world around me is playing mind games, people are angry, mean, and think “winning” is shitting on everybody else. What are you winning, a shit parade?

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For some reason, we are teaching each other that if we aren’t hot, mean, and on guard then we will be taken down. We will never achieve peace if we are busy fighting; the only way to find Peace is to be still; so if we need to find it in our own life; if we really feel we are just so out of sync and fighting battle after battle; it is so important to be still~ you will find that Peace; I do it with prayer.

What happens when I pray!

Everybody acts like they don‚Äôt care what other people think yet we have a world of followers, ready to follow all the people the world says are cool by their own screwed up standards. People are so afraid to be taken advantage of once again and again that they give with conditions, strings attached. I remember my good ol‚ÄôAuntie told me once, ‚ÄúDon‚Äôt ever loan money to someone you love and care about, and if you do you have to give it not expecting it back because if they don‚Äôt give it back it will ruin your relationship.‚ÄĚ

I have often felt very proud of my loyalty only to find myself a lot of times feeling like a fool because of it.

I think one of the first lessons on my current journey is realizing that I am NOT my emotions, what ever it is I sense and perceive is based on so many factors and sometimes huge lies that the world will have me believe is the truth based on my own current and past experiences. Learning how to get out of the mind, and be free for the only time that really matters, the only time I am sure of, the present moment. Stopping the inner emotions, feelings, making them be silent is the best time to understand and that is when you will find wisdom.

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In fact one candle, that lights another can create enough light for more to see!

All the things we were schooled to believe, to work hard to obtain… bigger, better, fancier… for what to impress people you really do not even like; how about realizing the contents you hold have little to no meaning. How about understanding that you are not living a life, but you are LIFE. You are the powerful vessel that will put the existence or disappearance of all things into your world. Accept the present as IS, don’t complain about how it should be or was supposed to be; but accept the present and always intend for a great tomorrow.

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I need a powerful squad, the most powerful in existence fighting such a cruel world, I need to remember that nothing can strengthen me that is out in this world; only God can give me and empower me within.

Search for the Lord and for His strength, seek his family always~

Psalm 105:4-5

God promises to give us strength in any and all situations and this is exactly what has kept me so close to him, he never disappoints he is always there when I stop and allow him ~ I can feel the Holy Spirit fill my soul with a much-needed peace. The amazing thing is when I ask I am no longer confused, I am sure and secure he gives me the answers and guides my steps; and I trust him.

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Even with the truth I forget who will never let me down, the devil fights hard to put doubt in my mind; but he/she will NEVER win!

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Today’s blog is a simple reminder to all my loved ones, my supporters those reading this~if you are going through anything that is hard for you; God’s hand will uplift your doubtful soul turn your heart to him, and just talk to him.

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Don’t rely on the judgments of the world, if someone doesn’t like me I can’t dislike them for their poor judgment, nor would I blame a blind person for not appreciating my physical attributes?

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The other purpose of this blog is to remind you of the importance of wearing God’s Armor! My spiritual journey began in Adoration !

If I want LOVE, I need to just be me, not the protective, defensive, emotional person I have learned to be… but the person who is true, loyal, friendly, funny, insightful, understanding, down to earth, and giving…. when I am me, I feel the love!

I began this blog feeling lost and fearful, silencing myself and remembering the truth always works; I hope you feel better than before this read.

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What happens when I pray!

I pray because everyday I sin. When I confess my sins the grace is overwhelming, I feel nothing but love. Wow, that is a powerful feeling, nothing compares. When I pray God gives me the ability to control my mind, my thoughts, my mood; fear is gone and lies no longer have control. In prayer we have the ability to cleanse our own soul, it’s a magnificent feeling. It drives me to want to give to others in anyway I can to help them with their struggles. Faith is strengthened, I am strong I know he is with my guiding me and lighting the way. I know I can continue to hope for all things that are good and be sure they will come for he continues to give me real life examples of goodness and miracles each and every day.

I have taken artificial means to give me a boost, to energize me but nothing on this earth is effective once you realize the energy the Holy Spirit gives the spirit.

I feel fearful today, fueled with fears both past and present when I pray I feel my soul growing a tenderness I want to grasp forever.  All the lies are apparent they no longer trick, I recognize the purity in others and am drawn to their light.  My thirst for unhealthy addictions are gone and my sadness is gone to another place.

And this is why I will continue to pray!

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Re-evaluation; remembering Truth

I am one of those who will go to the back of the line if it means putting elderly in front.  I am one of those who will walk a little longer, if it means allowing someone else to ride.  I will tell you; I have lost a lot of opportunity while I made the room for others to get ahead. I feel content; I know my soul is unique, kind, and one of a kind; but I have also allowed bitterness into my mind lately; as I seem to watch more and more of the wicked prosper because they are not willing to allow for an underdog; it is all about their own abundance.  Some people feel this world is theirs to take possession of; and become full of greed. Some are blessed with more knowledge than most and make a huge difference for others and content with just enough.   Some just need to be shown the way; some will definitely take the way.

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving.  Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there IS NO FAVORITISM! 
I do hold onto pride; and started the end of last year feeling I wanted to let it go; I will say; I had my time of allowing even violence become a part of my world because of pride in the past. It doesn’t matter how full of pride I have been; one things true I have never had a callous heart; I have never been so conceited it caused my mind to be evil to another who didn’t deserve it. 

I am no judge; but I will always root for the underdog and happily place those down who need it; this is not my world; this is not theirs, it is ours.  Keeping my heart pure doesn’t have its immediate reward; but I choose to hold onto my innocence until I understand a little more of the journey I am on that will lead to my final destiny.

Proverbs 16:2 All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord

There are some; who seem to have very little struggle; it seems their lives have been fulfilling while they continue on with their strong and healthy bodies; and others struggle with weakness and health issues that all of a sudden came alive and become a part of someone’s essence.   Health is so important for success; realizing a person lives with some sort of disability can feel like a plague; a downward spiral casting one down to ruins.  It is necessary to change your mind; what you once were; may never be again; and where you are headed may take you down a complete different path from the road you previously traveled.  

Life can really be a fantasy; our life is what we allow; if we have a beast to fight; we must become our own hero; whether anyone recognizes it or not. 

It is normal to grieve; take time to understand how changes will affect all those involved; but don’t pause for too long; don’t allow fear keep to keep you from becoming all you can; allow your spirit to grow and venture in the new direction even when things don’t make complete sense.  When things don’t make sense; the bitter can stay ignorant; but when we allow our self to go with the flow and trust and have faith it is easier to get through the new and unknown remembering those who are with you physically and in spirit; like God and grow.  Ask for his counsel; he will show you the way; and like a light switch understanding will turn on; there is nothing on this earth we are taking with us; but our spirit.  When our flesh and heart fail; our strength will be found in our Lord, that is all we will have for eternity.  Anything; and all things we keep near us will stay alive; those things we allow to fade in the distant will disappear and perish.

One thing I have learned recently; my physical home~ is gone; our “tent” was destroyed; but the building we still have ownership of~the one we invested in is strong and indestructible;  the dwelling we are housed in with the Lord; our love as a family; the support we receive from our friends, our ability to get up each time we are knocked down because those are the things that were not built with our hands but with our spirit and the determination which we know all glory comes from, that from the Lord.   We may groan; cry, and sigh for a while but we know we are clothed in dignity even when all our cloth clothes are gone.  We all have our own burdens; but most earthly items can be replaced in this life; it is our spirit we must remember to never allow to be taken and vulnerable; that is when we lose the ultimate guarantee of all those things, that which we can lose and never replace. 

None of us are home yet; so we are all homeless in a way, finding our way.  Of course we can make a home anywhere we go; but the truth is we are only at home when we are with our maker.  We must remember the truth, we live by faith; NOT BY SIGHT.  If we have no faith; and we see with our eyes we are really blinded by the world~ ONE day we will have to answer for all those things we did while in our body; whether anyone saw/knows or not~ our judge knows.

Psalm 90:17 May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us~ yes, establish the work of our hands. 

Thank goodness; thank JESUS for forgiveness!

If you are of right mind; it really is up to you to decide.

Philippians 2:12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed~not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence~continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. 

The more time that passes and the older I get; I get a feeling it is about feeling content with whatever comes my way; it is about learning about my immediate circumstance; remember what it feels like to have plenty; know and not forget what feeling needy feels like, and feeling content in both circumstances. Understanding; that what ever it is I have or don’t have; anything is possible through him; who gives me my strength.  During anytime I feel unsure; remember to ask him; he is generous and gives to me without finding any fault~ the truth is I have to believe; with no doubt; because when I doubt I am like a wave at sea; blown and tossed by the wind.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. 

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Missing Gus; keep on swimming~

This is me

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I am a bitch,

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I know no one believes that; LOL because I am known for being super sweet; understanding; extremely patient; and full of joy.

While everything you just read is true, I will truthfully admit, I am all those things up above ^

However, there is a side of me that is very tough and extremely powerful; and I can be relentless; and callous when I need to get something done; I will leave the “party” to jump on my ship (family and loyal friends) to protect and get things done and go fight a battle.  It is almost as if I become someone else during those times; this powerhouse of an exploding ticking bomb on a mission; telling everyone exactly what needs to be done; and putting a deep fear in all those around me; especially those who are close to me; who don’t normally see this side of me.

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I am extremely laid back; and most would say a “push-over” to those I love; but when this girl comes out; everyone kind of ducks for cover; I am fearless but smart and not at all naive.

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This is my most favorite time of the year; it is the end of the year; the Christmas festivities have already begun;  and it is so bitter-sweet because this is usually when S.A.D. takes place.

S~easonal A~ffective D~isorder.  SAD is a mood disorder characterized by depression that occurs at the same time every year.  SAD symptoms include fatigue, depression, hopelessness, and social withdrawal.  During this time of year is when more people commit suicide as well.

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Prevent Suicide

Gus~ my partner in life; has always had a problem during this time of year with his moods.  So, my anxiety begins to increase beginning with fall and “this woman of superpowers” always shows her face during this time~eventually.

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From Thanksgiving (November)-New Year it seems to be a very stressful time of year; people want to make other people happy and there is so much stress put on each other during this time.

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Everyone starts fighting from Thanksgiving to get the best gifts; making lines in stores, creating traffic to find the prettiest decorations, the search begins for the ugliest sweater; the ovens and appliances are gearing up to bake the most delicious desserts.  People are either stressing about creating or attending the most festive party; stressing to find the prettiest Christmas/Holiday attire, everyone competes for the most lit-up yard in the neighborhood, all this stress and trying to create the coziest, warmest, cinnamon smelling “Christmas home”… then it is all over; and it is a new year.

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I am an extremely private person; I don’t even ask family for help; if I do; it is usually just my dad or grandmother.  I try not to ask; when I have problems it is my children, Gus and I pulling together like the biggest baddest team in the world.

I asked for help from family before, specifically during my divorce; and it seemed it only caused distance in our relationship; so lesson learned; I got this!  Don’t get me wrong when my family helped me especially with not becoming homeless; and giving my kids a Christmas during my divorce; I will never forget that; will always appreciate what they did for me during the hardest time ever.  It just seems when some give out a helping hand so many do have strings attached, get hurt when you don’t take their advice, or maybe it is just me; and I feel disappointed I had to take something I needed.

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When I grew up; I was super independent; I actually saved up enough change to go see a psychic when I was 8 years old and found my way to her on the east side of town on a bus; I had no fear because I faced it head on; even if I had to talk myself the whole way through.  My parents were always busy; so I would FIND A WAY myself; there was never an option of, I can’t do this on my own; I am too small; too young; or I need someone else.  I use to rearrange and decorate all my house myself as a kid, out of boredom; moving couches; furniture; I would lay on my back and use my legs~the strongest part of my body; and I always lifted weights to make sure I was strong all over, Strength gave me power!

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First thing is always my children; I am blessed to have found a partner who understands my beliefs and supports me in them and has adopted similiar beliefs.

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Gus has my heart, he has taken in my children and in six years learned to love them each individually with all their unique personality differences.  He always says he is a quick study; and that is true; but he really is so much more.  Gus takes time to love all of us; and care for each one of us in the way we need to be based on all our individual personalities.

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Gus spends a lot of father/daughter time with Miley and the people important to her.

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Gus makes sure none of his family is ever hungry; and loves to make us our favorite foods because it is his way to show love.  He knows all Miley’s facial expressions; understands or takes time to try and understand her moods; and takes extra time even after that to let her know that she is worthy and matters.  Miley and Gus have fun together and she loves that he is funny, caring, cuddly; and right know she has been telling me for the past 3 days she misses Gus.

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Gus is in a lot of ways a maternal figure in our home; he is more motherly than a lot of mothers I know.  I always tease him and call him Martha Stewart because he is always cooking, cleaning or creating.  I think in a lot of ways; Miley loves that she knows he is very real; he shows his emotions and isn’t afraid to cry if his feelings are hurt.

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This weekend Jay spent time with his father~Juan; he is an awesome father; I know he wishes he could see them all the time but with divorce and schedules we follow; life doesn’t always work the way we plan.  He supports his children with child support financially; loves them more than anything in the world; nothing or no person could ever replace him as he is his own person; and their relationship is unique.

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The same is true with Gus~ Jay’s stepfather.

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Gus spends a lot of time with Jay teaching him and learning from him; they love to scream and de-stress in their man-cave and game away, scream at the zombies; and others in the game world; and then laugh belly hard laughs; and then do it all again the next day.  Gus teaches Jay responsible things like cleaning up after himself; taking pride in the man-cave… and they enjoy helping each other with whatever it is happening.  I heard Jay tell his best friend in the game world tonight; he misses his step-dad (hasn’t seen him in 3 days.) The funny thing is while Gus has such a strong maternal side; as I do; he has a strong paternal side~ as I do as well :D.  Gus is all-man; he even smells like a man! ūüėÄ  Gus is fierce; and Jay see’s it; the only thing he afraid of is, me.   LOL  Gus is intense, driven, passionate, loyal, ambitious, and very resourceful.  Gus can tell you about a million different ways to do anything.   He is extremely stubborn like most men as well. He is a great leader in our family more of the time; and always wants to be better, even when it means admitting our own personal weaknesses.

Marisa is my other half; the one I depend on and who can depend on me; we make it through this world knowing no matter what we have each other.  Marisa is 19 years old; so she is an adult; but in so many ways still needs her mommy; and I hope it always stays that way.  I love to make her laugh; frustrate her; and annoy her; I just want her to know I am always here even if it means wishing I would go away for just a bit.  Marisa is taken care of by Gus as well, he tries to show her love by making her food and giving her comfort for breakfast, snacks, dinner; he loves her in the way she allows him to.  It is funny because he wants to hug her all the time; and it isn’t something she was use to but something she has learned to allow and finally realize… I think I can trust this one.  <3  

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I love my family; we are blessed; we have so much fun; we are honest; open with each other our family communicates a lot; but above all there is a whole bunch of LOVE!

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There is a harder side we face even with all we have been blessed with, it is dealing with the anxiety we all have; and depression we all understand from time to time.  We are crazy; love to have fun, and be happy so we work hard to lift each other up when any one of us is there; and that is why God gave us each other.

Our family also deals with bipolar disorder~ which means basically extreme high’s and lows in moods.  You are extremely low~ as in very sad don’t want to get out of bed; don’t want to live life; and don’t find enjoyment in life or all the things you did before.  Then there is the high; when you are in the manic state; where you are so happy; you don’t want to stop doing everything you want to do in life.  I can deal with the lows pretty good; but the highs and the mania are hard.  When Gus has high’s he doesn’t sleep and will begin all the projects his little heart desires;  he has such a good heart he was picking up litter in the neighborhood 3 days ago; until “that woman” came out.   The woman who screams, GET IN THE CAR in front of the whole world; people don’t like strangers in their yard, stop bothering people… and I say horrible things like you are a 40+-year-old toddler; I can be brutal and hurtful; but the thing is Gus has the love and innocence of that of a toddler he just keeps talking and won’t shut up; and I have to sometimes do it for him, even if the only way is by sticking a sock in it; because the only thing to put the brakes on is when his feelings get hurt.  My daughter Marisa told me; mom God made you strong for Gus; you are definitely the only one who can understand him and raise him up and I will always raise him high where he deserves to be.

Gus doesn’t want to go to the hospital when he needs to because he say’s it is like prison; and he misses his family.  We miss him too; and it is hard; and we don’t like it; and if it means I have to do it all; and hold things together; and put things back together while he is gone;  that is what I will do.  We all do our part; it is has been 3 days he is gone; we miss him and he will come back  and we will all find our place again with time.  My son says I shouldn’t take him to the hospital; LOL he doesn’t mind if Gus is like one huge kid enjoying life and forgetting about responsibility~ LOL ~ the fun guy is here for a while… HELL NO I need the, “Sir, its 10:30 PM in bed now; it is hard to wake you up in the morning you need your sleep to learn and grow…”  I don’t need the, “Woo hoo anything goes~ bruh!” guy… he is obnoxious too, his visit can be short lived; but I miss my Gus.

Family is about patience, the more we have the more we learn about each other; the more we learn about life, the more we will see; and understand.  The more we learn about each other; life, and understand the more we will feel, see, and hear~ and then we will love with no conditions; but just because.

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Work, Team work, Daily Struggles

This world we live in is so full of life stressors that we allow to fill our days with worry, and it seems the harder we try and work to get ahead; the more our souls are faced with opposition.
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My life has been full of emotions that have taken me to some high velocity experiences in my life. ¬†I continue to choose to live my life with extreme choices, and a continued addiction to living sublime. ¬†I can’t imagine living a life just getting by, I am going to ALWAYS push myself and push through my limits until I find that¬†place in this round of life ~where I experience a difference in my thinking so significant that never before pieces of my soul are conceived.
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I am forever on a mission to give my life a new and even greater meaning than yesterday.  Pushing yourself to places you have never been to is often where you will find insights and wisdom that creates you into a stronger person; it is an extremely powerful feeling that leads to a Life End Result= amazing life.

All the stress we choose to hold onto really weighs us down more than we know.
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When we keep our mind in balance we will notice a peaceful state of mind.
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It is important to get to that point in our soul
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Where we can release all the stress we hold on to and get a clear mind where we will find much needed clarity.
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There are so many obstacles throughout our life which deters us and makes us aim to numb the soul.
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We must allow ourselves to “forget & banish”¬†all the negativity ¬†that we have allowed to exist in our life, including our own negative¬†¬†thinking. ¬†We need to take time to soul search, remember who I AM, How I have changed, Where I want to go still, and think about the things in life that bring so much meaning, and what else could I bring in my life to bring even more meaning. ¬†Self-Discovery can be hard at times, especially when it’s hard to face who we really are at this current point in our life;
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or that “person” we may have “been” in the past.

Prayer and  meditation are helpful and extremely effective.

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It’s often an indicator that those are the times we feel “under attack”, we need to stop and think about our life; Finding direction is the ¬†way you will reach the truth, the only way to your true destination where you will truly achieve~Conquer!¬†.
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People think life “just happens” they have no control, they believe some people are just “lucky” and others are always just getting shitted on, ¬†and they just sit and wait, hope for a change
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if you want a change, MAKE IT HAPPEN, by Planning, Visualizing, and Aim for the mission with persistence effectively working around every obstacle, no excuses… keep fighting!!!
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Staying true to who we are is important!
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If you decide to lose yourself in the moment; do it with NO REGRETS; allowing the rebirth of a re-newed and improved self and Let Go of fear~ Allow a purpose with an increase in courage which will prepare you for the next mission a bigger battle with greater winnings.
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People, they ALL have opinions, and you will definitely begin to hear them…

REMEMBER…
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Every person has unique¬†opinions about life¬†based on their understanding from previous knowledge, experiences, and current feelings and life situations. ¬†It would be wonderful if everyone thought we were great, but if they don’t…. THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

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Don’t allow any person to put anger or any other negative emotion into your soul, don’t give them that power!
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If you are allowing a negative thought such as “anger” you will generate negativity. Create positive energy, you will get positive results! ¬†In those times when you don’t get the results you expected; continued positive thinking will allow your mind to be ready to continue with persistence a new plan with “improved” insight, you begin again with a level head. ¬†If you allow anger to consume your soul, you are basically allowing negativity the right to eat at your soul. ¬†WE can’t control life, other people, or how things happen in our life but we can control how we will react. ¬†The truth is those times in our life that were completely difficult and made us realize how out of control over our life we really are (think about Sickness e.g. Cancer) but it is during those moments we will often see there is a greater source (God) on our side that we can and should always ask for direction.
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If you don’t see expected results for your specific goal, try re-evaluating what you are doing or not doing to make it happen and make adjustments it is a learning process; take this opportunity to get off the ground and remember who you are, where you have been, where you came from; and where you are today…

If you can get a support network of people on your side, reach out sometimes you just need to be reminded by positive people.  If others can assist you in reaching your goal; allow them to.

Keep in mind the more people that are committed on working on the same issue has many advantages, and you will get to desired results quicker.
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Always be realistic, working with others can also create
more potential difficulties. A Team of people with different personalities requires cooperation, and frequent reminders what team PURPOSE, OBJECTIVE, and DIRECTION toward goal is. The best teams are those who work with team members with the same direction and purpose in unison.
Team leadership is very important, strong force guiding the team to remain focused on the direction of the team, open communication about present team needs and after continuously re-evaluating~ present tasks and progress making frequent necessary adjustments.

The team is made of individuals who may share differing ideas, tips, experiences, and communication, every team members has valuable information another on the team can learn about that will assist each individual and the team in their own unique way.  The team also works better when the team is frequently reminded to focus on the team, with additional uplifting reminders that each individual plays an important role in the direction and team players work for not against each other. The best thing about a team; you get an opportunity to work together with people who have been placed together, each with unique stories God-given talents, expertise in a variety of different positions for a purpose. The best option is knowing and using what advantages the team holds, using each specific person for their specific qualities at how they will best benefit the team; everyone will find an increase in happiness when their unique God given talent being put to use= effective results.

Sometimes life is hard, when you work with a lot of different people, the team is likely to experience more “real life issues” when more life’s are involved, that may effect a person’s role on the team. People need to be reminded by their team members how important their individual role is to the team; a team with unmotivated members will get no where; the team as a whole needs to push their team to it’s full potential and each member individual to their full individual potential. Team leaders need to get creative in keeping people driven and motivated, and redirect those that are putting little effort why its vital to the team everyone is doing all they can to contribute. ¬†Life gets harder for us and when we least expect it, we often find ourselves facing personal situations in our life that often take our mind away what is going on to make our team be effective. ¬†The person needs to realize, their importance of their part in the team moving in the goal direction; if a person is not benefiting the team; the team may need to have others step in to assist while the situation is being re-evaluated.
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One of the most important task- Make a PLAN, Restructure the team always keep in mind all present and upcoming changes, Discuss effective ways to learn from the past `what works and what doesn’t; and continue plan for work on success off the team; Re-visit goals and results often.

The important thing is stay true to yourself; hold on to your values, continue to always make every next choice in your life with complete confidence. ¬†Remember every single piece of shit that was thrown at your fan, and smile and allow yourself to feel pride and appreciate the trust that was re-discovered. ¬†Trust brings many beautiful things with it’s presence; it gives you the ability to feel things in your heart that give you a renewed spirit where you are able to hope.

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The darkest moments in our life are those times where we learned the need to put up guards from other people who don’t have our best interest and during those times is when we learned our own personal way we protect ourselves from pain. ¬†We need to remember it is during those moments as well that we were able to gain a new found strength. ¬†The wonderful thing about our belief system is that it is forever changing and we have the power to control what we will allow and what we ignore.

There is very few things I wouldn’t want to experience, all the challenges we experience give us new insights and we can take every experience which breathes a new life into our souls that gives us wisdom, strength, and best of all FAITH. ¬†The Hope we allowed to live in our life by allowing our spirit to trust in hope. ¬†Hope finds FAITH a consideration that we will do it better next time. ¬†I love “feelings”- ¬†the passion that each different feeling brings, and even with all the sick twisted people who show their presence in our life, and in recalling those completely devastating moments when we felt completely defeated; remember even with that, we still hold the power¬†to control our belief system with positive direction¬†to take us to higher places we are meant to discover.

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Blog

Few Days Home from St. Matt’s 2k15 Teen ACTS Retreat and the demons are out…

St. Matt’s 2k15 Teen ACTS Retreat was AMAZING!!!!

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The DEVIL is pissed!!! Each one of our souls was just reassured of the great feeling of love; we all are feeling so brand new. ¬†The devil hates love and happiness; but¬†prefers anxiety, fear, and hate. ¬†Anytime that we get closer to God, display support and encouragement to others; there the demon comes… quick to pick the¬†latest victim and will¬†use the weakest and will target your weakness to get to you. ¬†Evil hates¬† comfort, evil wants a fire of negativity to take over and make everyone¬†feel completely miserable.

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The only way to win; is when you RECOGNIZE, remain strong and fight ..

“We will not allow him to win”!

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We have to remember the strong need to acknowledge and realize what is going on in order to effectively plan our smartest solution to take down the attack. We are caught off guard and unprepared when we are full of the Holy Spirit and we aren’t in fight battle mode.

Our REAL WORLD consist of people who can be very mean spirited.  People are lonely, bitter, depressed, confused, and many just plain out mean. Mean people suck! Cold-hearts laugh at the bonds created and love shared; they want to believe it is a lie.

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When we put our guards up we often forget about all those beautiful supportive souls who comforted us at our time of need. We may even find ourselves questioning the validity; and create our own suspicions of those that really are on our side. We don’t want fear to allow US to doubt the true spirit of those who we have bonded with.

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If you stop for a minute, and just pause you will be completely aware that you have a purpose and it has been made clear time and time again.  If you ask God he will tell you; but we quickly allow our thoughts to be clouded by all the people who are not on our side, for whatever reason that maybe. HANG ON TO THE TRUTH for as long as possible.

The moments we get clarity during bonding or when we talk to those who love us, we believe and we know we want a better life; we vow to aim for it.  The moment the confusion comes back; all the questions and doubts we allow ourselves to release the truth.

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I think it is is funny how people love to talk about the¬†Jesus high after the retreat because they don’t quite understand those moments of clarity and support. ¬†Christians are an easy target to laugh at or make fun of; especially because for some reason in order to love God and spend time with him we are expected to be sin free. ¬†People will point out how we are hypocrites because we are praying singing to the Lord and the next minute we are seen not being so perfect; because the truth is we are sinners just like them; we¬†love God and make an effort to talk and think about him; many of us have struggles of our own and searching for our own answers; but in the process we choose to serve and assist others to find their way.

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We think all would be fine if we could just want run back to the beautiful Tecaboca that special place here on earth that feels so heavenly.

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It has started with me already; the anger I am allowing others to make me feel. ¬†Life doesn’t yield or wait it just comes up in our face at times we are feeling already weak , alone and unsure. ¬†Life is beautiful too don’t get me wrong; think about LOVE for instance; Love is the greatest feeling ever; so completely magical and fun. ¬†All the new feelings and ideas are mixing with all the old feelings and ideas the next thing you know we forget with all the busyness to make the time to work on our relationship with God, and we go back to allowing the earthly lies to dominate our thinking so we can get instant satisfaction. ¬†If we know this; we can deal with it and realize we are fighting a war against lies. ¬†When we don’t allow the demons to have any power; we will realize we can have peace. ¬†WE have to sometimes, take the initiative of being proactive and eliminate negative factors from our life, even if it’s hard, makes us sad, and full of doubt don’t keep it to weigh you down; or you will never get your magnificent flight to soar. ¬†Don’t ever buy into the lies of losing your precious integrity and all you stand for ; by allowing ourselves to be brought down by people on a different mission; and tempt us with instant gratification for the sake of long-term peace.

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You have to know the truth; God spent this awesome time with you so that you can go forth with the wonderful message; seed planted; that he gave YOU and only you. ¬†You may have a completely different destiny than your friend; or your destiny maybe to spread the wonderful message together; as long as you bring out the best in others; the personal growth has no limits. ¬†It is amazing how it works, kind of like when you lose/gain weight and you really don’t see it within yourself because you see yourself everyday. ¬†One day you just realize the old is just gone; and you let it go; it isn’t working for you or helping you blossom into the beast you are meant to be. ¬†You just feel differently or think differently and can’t really explain why, but you have left the place you were; and are bound for greater places if you choose. ¬†People will follow greatness, they always do!

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Anytime you find yourself in that place where you want to revert to the old; that is when you need supportive friends who want the best for you and above all, God. ¬†You need those who keep you focused on your goal, and remind you why it’s out with the old in with the new. ¬†It is so important that we surround ourselves with the kind of people who make us feel alive and ready to propel to greatness. We should surround ourselves with those who are also focused on growing/thriving in this life, not just another body allowing their soul to disconnect and sleep.

REMEMBER to REFLECT!!!!   Always reflect over the choices you have made and the choices you are about to make.   Pray for guidance and keep those around you with the same morals and beliefs to keep you focused on staying true to yourself; especially when temptation comes around.

Our relationships are as good as the effort and work we put into them; and that goes the same with our relationship with God.

When I was asked if I wanted to be part of the team by the adult and youth directors I knew it would be a commitment, that word alone is scary.¬†¬†Helping any team with Planning and organizing a successful event always takes dedication and I wasn’t 100% sure I could commit with kidney stone issues and all.¬† This would be my Marisa’s last year as a youth at an ACTS retreat so I knew It would be a one of a kind experience being able to be a part of the most important thing she was doing at this time. ¬†I bonded and fell in love with my fellow team members dedication, energy, and innocence. ¬†I began this journey praying each day I would have an effective impact in just the way God intended; and then I realized I was the one who was impacted in the end. I love each and everyone of the beautiful people God has surrounded my life at this time with. ¬†God puts those people together who will have the most powerful effect, he wants his work to be done; and he hand selects the people he places in our lives. ¬†I think it is really hard for us to realize sometimes our time with certain people is complete. ¬†I am often proud of the work I create; but nothing can beat the power¬†a great team can create together with every awesome individuals unique gift. ¬†If someone is for you, encourages you, assists you… they are the partners in life who will push you to greatness. ¬†If someone is forever in a pity party, denying, lying, and bringing down your spirit; pray for them… and don’t allow yourself to question another day if they are telling you the truth or not.

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BiPolar Currents the first experience and the beginning of understanding

Here I sit; just out of the Emergency room; tired, drained; and really worn out maybe just a tad damaged…
image but a huge weight was lifted once they took him back to be observed; I just wanted to get him to come back to me as soon as possible; happy and content.

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
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I knew this was the best decision. I had to just remember, stay strong, and do what always helps, gather your thoughts, write, remember who you are and where you’ve already been… So I am here I begin my blog and writing after a long pause;  while I spend about 4 hours in the emergency room worried; until they finally tell me to go home and get rest.

2 Corinthians 4:16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day

I am use to facing battles ALONE; I spent many years keeping secrets from my family and friends about my struggles with my 20 year previous marriage and the terrible downfall.  I didn’t want my family to worry about me; and I certainly didn’t want them to try and tell me how to live my life; because I knew I wouldn’t listen anyway.  We all have to find out the answers on our own and we all have unique individual ways we learn each lesson.
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However, when I decided to leave the marriage; he was seen as the “victim” because no one knew my story and it seemed to everyone who looked; i was probably having a middle life crisis; was being selfish; and just wanted to have fun; that was so far from the truth.
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I wasn’t going to make that decision again; there would be NO mask to the outside world.  If things were going on; I wasn’t going to pacify another so i wouldn’t disturb their peace; if they were disturbed and didn’t have the faith in me; they didn’t belong in my life.  I learned that it is OK to share with “certain members” who won’t judge, who have learned they can always offer advice but they would never expect me to do as they would do I am not them and have my own life to live.  There are people  I have learned in my family who will stand by me; every step of the way, because they had faith in me I always have come out on top, they had to have trust the situation is part of God’s plan; and they didn’t want to lose me because our relationship was worth it.
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More importantly, I had a new found relationship with God, I had been praying for strength and guidance. I hadn’t felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in a while, and once I was lifted by the spirit of our Lord I wanted my next fix.
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I met Gus (once again)

during this time, we were old friends that always had a weird strong connection which was tied to an emotional past my boyfriend /his friend
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so it wasn’t our time just yet…
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We found an inner peace together, almost as if our struggles were easier with the other there by the side, to laugh and joke.  Life is hard, mean people suck but when you have someone who is your number side kick you kinda feel on top of the world; so when the haters try; you kinda just look down and giggle.
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It felt great for someone to actually listen.   It was great knowing that the words that were coming out of your mouth were worthy.   It was also great to see a different side to the situation and open up part of the mind you never knew existed…. Communication usually breeds new ideas and new ways of thinking.  It was also nice to be reminded that although bad situations were given to us; we had a choice of how we would handle them.
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Most importantly I was laughing with someone; an ADULT who I considered a best friend when I had closed myself off to most but my children for years.
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Having someone to hold onto when the struggle seemed so hard alone was allowing all walls to fall down; and I begain feeling my spirit once again be free.
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It felt for years I had been drowning; and until I started finding my faith; I felt i was at the brink of total devastation.  The ocean just seemed so vast and the storms were so brutal in my life.  Then out of nowhere a slight calm came over the ocean; and just when that happened a huge beautiful strong mythical looking bird came in to swoop me from over the waters.  I knew he was different; he seemed out of this world; I knew he was not like the rest of the creatures.
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He lifted me pretty fast but just ever so slightly high enough to fly over the waters.  I could still feel the splashes from the waves; and at times too much would get in my airway and make me feel i was choking again; but it was a relief that I could at least finally breathe.
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I felt after I didn’t think it would ever be possible; I was finally able to close my eyes for a bit and watch all the chaos leave like a fast forwarding film… I will never forget the strength I found in his arms that I needed and craved. You know that feeling when you fall into someone’s arms and it’s like they are lifting you up and not wanting to let go, yes, that is a wonderful feeling when it was gone for too many years.
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New lessons were headed my way… and they wouldn’t be easy at all…

It wasn’t long after, I experienced his first Bipolar Manic Episode.

The main feelings I remember during that first episode was fear, abandonment, confusion, sorrow, and disbelief… a lot of the same feelings that a person having a bipolar episode are feeling.
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I didn’t know what was going on at the time; I didn’t acknowledge a mental illness; I just know what i felt.  It felt as if he seriously projected me while my eyes were closed face first on the nearest deserted island.  He left me close to both the shore and the tide;  closest to shore and the tide, not as brass as to throw me straight back in the ocean but then he quickly disappeared he was gone for weeks.  I remember looking so deeply at my own reflection and not liking what I saw.
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I felt alone again in my life after having that overwhelming reminder of what a connection felt like again and the quick disconnection that makes a line of a beautiful dancers turn into a flat line reminding you of dread and all the feelings that come along with it.
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I hadn’t felt that scared in a long time because I hadn’t given anyone the freedom to carry me away, I trusted him and he was gone.

I refused to go back to that place of deep sleep where all feelings were turned off in regards to a partner to love; bottled up emotions of needing another to pamper and love me; and I focused my love and attention on my kids.  I may not have been pampered and given attention but I would give it to my kids.  BEST of all, I had my renewed relationship with the Lord most important of all.  But I still felt empty because I needed companionship .
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How could he come; wake me from my sleep and remind me what it felt like and then disappear, it really felt like a sick joke.
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All I wanted was to hold on to that feeling that spark that initiated the connection to my soul that makes your heart apparent, when you know some other person dear heart is wonderful in spirit and wants to share that with you.
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The taste of the first quench of thirst, after you had survived for a while sucking ice chips.

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The first meal after a long run/fast.
The Light when the dimmers had been set permanently to make everything seem gloomy with little hope.

A fire feeling hot in your chest, and with each breath you take the sting intensifies.
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The intensity draws you toward the inclination to run toward the fear, and hang on as tight as possible.  To want to know there is a difference between doing things because you want to please and doing things for love.
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The more and more intensity you create the harder it is to breathe and you just want to breathe again,
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and the whole struggle for some reason, feeling “alive ” beats being put back to sleep.
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Intriguing question does flash thru my thoughts, am I running toward pain, it’s all I have ever known…

Interrupted by the reminder this journey is about finding Michele it will be my choice who will journey on with me one day at a time.
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Confusion set in do I continue to hold onto his “lost soul” that I missed so much, because when he’s there it’s so great like a perfect soul-mate knowing and fulfilling all my needs!
He showed me he is selfless and cares about my happiness.

and he encourages all I do… Allowing me to be me and love me for it, the beautiful and the not so beautiful :). Expression =Freedom!

Art, Beauty, Creative Expression, all being inhaled once again, it felt so good to find me again.

As long as that one thing always remains… Our strong Trust! I trusted him and he knew he could trust me. We didn’t question each other due to paranoia of manipulation. We knew we had each others back. It was amazing to open up to someone and allow them to completely open up. There is no secret uncovered and the growth would be a constant effort toward discovery – new together. I was never one to obey another; if someone told me to do something i would usually do the opposite; but RESPECT- that is something I totally understood; and I wanted it 100%

Everyone has an opinion and during this difficult decision it’s hard to forgive the people who gave up on me and put limits on their support.

All they wanted was for me to stay where I was because I either needed them as a safety net or I was cruising for answers in my ” Ohhhhhhhhh so Michele way“.
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I always showed the world I was strong, in control, even if the control was allowing –
Love to go to sleep and allow pride and anger to burst out of control,
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The preference for many was put on a front, and live in denial .
It wasn’t that hard because I had forgotten so many years what I was missing in fact I don’t think a loving respectful relationship had been around for quite a while in the later years of my marriage. The last few years we spent as a couple we both had complete independence, I am naturally extremely independent. We did what we wanted because we both had let go. He did what he wanted and I did the same no questions asked. We stopped caring and just took each other for granted.

So, it had been too long-since my teen years , I felt like a fool because of love… And I hated feeling like a fool. This love really mattered, he mattered his feelings, desires, fears, and I mattered to him, the respect was intoxicating.

I started to write a lot and made the decision my decision was
to be made “just for that day,” and we would see what the end result would be when I turned around and looked. I knew for sure I would not allow for a miserable future. I also knew I had to work on realizing I was going to find Michele again…
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I knew I would once and for all be convinced everything I held at that very moment was all I needed.
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Who would be willing to take me as I am?
Who will contain me and settle me with their love and comfort?
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Who would I take just as they are?
Who would I contain and settle with my love and comfort?
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Episode 1- made me feel I meant nothing to him while it lasted and the residual effects actually took months to completely settle.

The one strong force that I found to go to and lean on in this difficult world was gone. He was spiritually a different person that was fighting a complete different battle on his own, and it’s not his choice.
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It is not something he woke up to choose.

2nd Bipolar Episode I experienced with Gus. Learning completely different things…

in the process –

It’s been almost four years since Gus had his first bipolar manic episode. I’ve always been interested in mental health to the point I educated myself in psychology since high-school. I’ve always been drawn to the quirky and different and if most consider you strange, your probably my friend. ūüôā

I started suffering with depression and anxiety when I was 13 years old, I started seeing a therapist during that time.

“As I hear mainly guitars and lyrics, I only find comfort in knowing how great it feels to watch the blood ooze out of my skin. Each slice is different with each new song. Some slices are slow and painful but not that long. Then there’s the long thin slices that burn-where the blood trinkles and not quite an ooze. In it there is a relief found with finding a way to stay in control of my own pain and knowing when I will let it go. Broken mirrors painful and slow, Razor Blades fast and precise.”-Michele Renee
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I found myself being dark, quirky and different.
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If someone was going to make a difference or just make an entrance and exit it would be me! People would laugh and say I was the craziest person they knew but all I cared about is I was making people laugh when all I did was go home and cry. I would never share my sadness with the world because I felt it was my weakness… because it was when I was vulnerable and out of control. I use to stomach slide into class, make my teachers and peers hate me or love me. There was no in between I was loved or hated.

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If someone could see my strength just maybe I would have an impact on them to find theirs.
Guess what, I was told all the time… I was doing just that by people who trusted me enough to tell me… that alone kept what felt at times a dwindling spark… into a full force out of control forest fire.

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I began to obsess with Madonna for her courage and critics who would tear her apart, haters are always going to exist there are so many miserable people in this world. Madonna laughed everything off, if she couldn’t be stopped, I sure as hell couldn’t either.

How could I see the world so terrible that I didn’t want to live another day and then see miracles happen in my life? Feeling the love in my heart from me-to-another and another -to-me that was my complete validation!

I knew life was so worth living at other times.
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When things are so far down that you feel your laying in the gutter, and then you have your first miracle happen and you realize how everything does happen for a reason!

Validation is amazing… you realize no matter how hard or how many times you get hit, what matters is… you get back up you fix the problem no matter what it takes and you become better, stronger, you know nothing in life will take you down.

In fact, you often look at the shallow attempts other sick souls who will do what they think would work for them, making up lies and gossip, trying to put you on blast on social network scenes because that would bother them. People choose the avenue they know of to hurt another. It only confirms how shallow they really are. Numerous attempts for attention by bashing another soul… The best advice – laugh at the futile dramatic attempts… they have no clue the tiny spit they spew won’t drown someone who has survived the most brutal torpedos/typhoons.
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The match sticks they play with like the little pathetic school girls who weren’t quite loved like they needed to be from all the people they needed it from. They believe blasting lies about another gives them power because they usually have one or two pathetic following minions on their side. Put up what you want, I am an open book your lies are your own truths about how you feel about yourself…

Your attempts are nothing in comparison to the sticks and stones that have tried to break my bones during my life here in this earth.

I have vowed to myself I will get my butt up with more faith, stronger, smarter, and happier every time I am knocked down because no one in this earth will tell me how I’m going down.

My therapist will forever hold a special place in my heart, Claire Jacob’s I met at my young age; probably around 14 years old;  and continued to work with her right through one of the hardest years of my life when I was 18 years old, detaching my other- half/ boyfriend of four years, moving on and finding a new love who then committed suicide in front of me and all his closest friends , getting raped by a stranger, and finding out my mom eloped without telling me, and my dad was getting married himself, I found myself spontaneously eloping in 1992 for shock, but even more to create a family.

I couldn’t believe how I’d sit down talk and realize with direction why I did the things I did. It meant everything to have one person on my side, guide me, direct me, and genuinely care. I knew God sent the right therapists my way. I knew I wanted to do the same for some other soul one day when I could. I longed to give what I was receiving… change their outlook on a World that looked so bleak and was often so cruel . I prayed often for the Lord to send me the knowledge I needed to learn to help others. I met a lot of needy people and studied them researched old/latest/wives tales/psychics/ theories / peer advocates/the Bible/ Church… all religions.

When I began to understand he didn’t hesitate to send them my way. I couldn’t believe little by little people were coming to me and telling me how I made a difference, changed their life and their families. I knew I needed to get as much education on it as possible. I started to study psychology in high-school and knew I’d continue my quest for my psychology in college. God listened, he sent the people my way. I found myself working at Child Protective Services. I prayed for God to send me the families that I would forever hold in my heart and they would forever hold me in their heart. If they could learn from me and I could learn from them…. send them to me I prayed.

While working with Child Protective Services I learned a lot, I learned I loved the whole family because God sent me the family not just a soul but many different souls… a lot of truly loving parents who wanted the best for the kids but just didn’t know how or were stressed and made wrong decisions, or who just needed guidance for assistance. I also met a good number of selfish parents who didn’t know how to love or trust because they never received it and surely didn’t understand it and may never. Many people did drugs because that was the only thing they knew that made made them feel good for an hour or few, but never realized how drugs could and would take over their life. The point is I saw human beings that were hurting, scared, pleading, angry, had not one to trust and didn’t even know how to trust.  Families were out of control, and so many conflicting pains and obstacles within the family unit; that also was all too familiar to me. I held the power to create a healthier lifestyle. Once I started to see the wonderful souls trust me; they started to work a little at at time; and they began to find a new way; a way that would allow them to win their personal battle.  A few steps in the right direction with positive results always leads to a bit of found strength which drives one harder to fight their demons and make their dreams become a reality.

My heart would be joyful when I saw the kids innocent saved, or renewed.  Renewal of the human spirit is a beautiful wonderful magic that rejuvenates everyone involved in the process.   Grandparents, Fathers, Mothers, Daughters, Sons, Family members who didn’t trust; trusted me.  Then when they knew they could trust me even more; I began to observe anger subside and hope restored or found for the first time ever.

No matter what people say about me my eccentric ways, my colorful and passionate expressions… no one could take me down with shallow cries of hate.  I was so fortunate God had given me the opportunities and the tools to get the job done, other colleagues and advocate stepping in with the same passion doing their part in the lives if these families.  People could laugh, joke, and put the profession down; but the truth is; what have you done putting your complete heart and soul into ?  ANSWER THAT for another who has absolutely nothing to offer you in return.

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Running and Kidney stones

My current struggle with my kidneys has really made me stop and reevaluate my life.  It’s very difficult for me to be stopped in my tracks and has left me weak for the past few months.  I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.

I am not comfortable feeling weak. The pain is often times overwhelming.  Let’s be real, I’ve had so much pain in my life that although  sometimes it feels unbearable, it is something I can understand.  I am tough I can bare pain,  I can ride this wave ūüĆä I have ridden worst.  I know I have endurance,  and in a way no matter how magnificent the pain is,  I will make sure that it serves a purpose.

It does seem cruel and unfair that everything in my life seem to be going in a direction I was in control of and comfortable in and then just like that taken down by an ailment that reminds me, I am not always in control.

For one of the first times in my life,  I have been forced to yield, and take a look at my health.

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For many years I fooled myself to believe I was health conscious because I was a runner ūüŹÉ.  I ran,  I ran a lot!
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Let’s be real, running wasn’t a conscious decision I made for my health. I just tried it and found it was a perfect tool that would allow me to deal with stressors with a force that allowed me to remain feeling powerful and full of strength.
I faced the stress by beginning my run with the only factor being you will head back to the finish line when you feel better. I found running put me in control again. It’s funny to think about it because the whole time I ran I felt so out of control. I know I probably even felt vulnerable and seemed in my mind I looked like a crazy nut case to others running/walking/driving along side my path.  I would put on my headphones, and get lost in my first love-music.  I learned to use music to escape early on at about the age of five.  My music /running therapy would begin.
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I would get emotional and cry, allow myself to feel anger and push myself to the next mile.
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I found myself running for hours,  many miles. On weekends I Could actually spend my whole day running.
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I was addicted to music and now running. People would marvel and wonder how could I run so much, when it was something I couldn’t understand but I knew how could I not.
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Running got me through many difficult times in my life, one of the hardest being my divorce.

I find myself in a situation currently  that makes it hard for me to even walk and feeling weak, vulnerable,  out of my element.   I feel like a weak prisoner locked in my room of pain. The only thing I hold onto is my will to understand, the motivation to find out the root of my ailment, and the will to make changes for a better healthier body.

Biggest of all I hold on to my faith, things will get better, I will be renewed, I will be better because I hold the power with a powerful source by my side.

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Michele Renee