Invisible strings, fishing poles, and myself

It seems like the world is arguing so much right now about anything and everything.  I have kept my social media Facebook platform so far, but with a bad taste in my mouth I hold on~  I don’t understand why everyone feels the necessity to blame another or think that anyone else is responsible for your personal heartache.

It isn’t easy feeling good all the time, and for plenty of us, it is a struggle much of the time.  I believe that we are worth it, though I believe we all deserve to get to that point where we are just so sick of feeling like crap.  I know this personally, I have spent a lifetime trying to learn to feel good. Sometimes it is the daily reminders of waking up and feeling grateful, even when you wake up frustrated, sad, hurt, or lonely we have to look for those blessings to count because it makes a difference when we do.  How can you allow others to love you when you are too busy fearing how they are going to hurt you just because someone else did.

The only things we get in life, are those things that we are committed to working for; and I think working to make yourself feel better should be a priority.  How can we really care for anyone else if we don’t love our self?  Self-development is one of the most important things in my life; because everything I put out from a strong foundation will be that much greater.

Sometimes we have to shut out the world, and just get to know our own self; stop the reading, stop the believing, stop the scrolling, and just get to know you.  I really love to fish, because all I see in the sky, the water, my pole, I may not get a bite, it may not be about the fish at all… it’s about me understanding who I am, and being quiet for just a moment.

It is even sweeter when you find someone who does the same right next to you; how strangely you are so disconnected from everything; but remain connected by an invisible string.



When it comes down to it, it’s all about PEACE!

It gets to a point when all the emotions about particular things have settled, that you can clearly see the reality of how things will be with a true conscious.  We can’t change people or make people want to try all we can do is accept things as they are.    When we stop trying to make things happen, we realize we feel less rigid and at the same time, we feel less paralyzed.

Life seems to be easier when we numb our selves and ignore what we don’t want to face, but the Lord seems to place more of that in our face because we were not made to stay in the same ways.  Life is not always calm and relaxed like we would want, life takes on a rhythm of its own.

Sometimes we do need to take a break, stand back from the whole situation to see what the situation really entails, and not just what our emotions are telling us the situation is about.  It is so easy to compare the current to the past due to our mentality.  I know, there are certain people in the past who have meant the world to me, but I had to let them go because they didn’t allow me to grow.  They didn’t want me to think any differently than what they wanted me to believe how things were supposed to be.  People who didn’t allow me to have beliefs of my own, or never appreciated the individuality of me or others.

The truth is, we are not going to like everybody in this world, there are certain people who were married into my family that it took me years to tolerate.  Why do we put up these barriers between our tribe?  Some of us come from different states, different backgrounds, and we decide we aren’t going to give them the time of day, or just press into our self how completely annoying they are to us.  Sometimes marriage brings a whole tribe of them and that can be overwhelming, and all of a sudden they are your sisters, brothers, or cousins.

What makes others feel they are so entitled to sit there and act like they are sacrificing so much because they are basically just sitting there and tolerating another human being who is brought into the pack by another member.  How about finding a deeper level of contemplation.  It isn’t easy, believe me, there are still some people I have to psyche myself up when I know they will be there, but I will try, I will always try for those I love.

NO, I wasn’t always so accepting, and some days; It still is a struggle, but it took a lot of years with God showing me I had to be.  I had to try and focus on the good of a person if I was really going to make a difference at all; and you know what my tribe deserves peace.  The world is full of so much bullying and hate, why do we keep it around our family and friends when we don’t have to?  Everyone is put in our lives to teach us something, we need to trust God’s plan and NOT act like we know more than he does.

When we realize what it is about others that bother us, we will truly see how much it reminds us of someone we truly love like a parent or even our own self.  Sometimes, we learn it is better to just leave people alone and that is one thing I have a hard time doing because I personally have issues with being left out by my own family.  It isn’t easy to let go or deal with others who stir our feelings of jealousy, envy, and overbearing people who are one of my nemesis.

Some people really don’t want that interaction, and that is where I am learning and will give them their space.  I know sometimes, I want my own space too; so that I can understand.

We have pieces of situations, bits of our own past always come to play, and bits of unrecognizable new information that we need to try and understand to form a new puzzle; solving a puzzle is never easy but it is truly worth it for all involved when things at least start to make sense.


Dabbing is essential 🤣

There really is so much that goes on it our own homes, in our own interpersonal relationships with those we are trying hard to understand, forgive, and rebuild with.

There are stages when we realize we have been through a couple or a few relationships already and still haven’t gotten a lot of shit straight.We love to blame others, but the truth is, it is our own self that is repeating the patterns.

There are times in our life where we are basically on a survival mode, and along the way, we have these beautiful children around us, and while we are trying so hard to get it right, the time comes when they our own children, reach the age when they know we still haven’t quite got it just yet.

It is hard letting down people we love, and it hurts when we truly see how we let our own self down over and over again. I think one of the most important things is keeping people around who don’t remind us of who we were or weren’t, those who remind us that we are worthy today and have always been, those who encourage us with their love.

I think what is most important is staying true to who we are at the moment; all your directions may have changed time and time again, but never forget the current target. Everything we do has a motive, I need to take note of what my actual motives are. How can we pursue what we want or think we want if we don’t make a clear plan on getting it. We all have the same possibilities, if it doesn’t seem possible maybe it is not what is supposed to be and sometimes the journey is simply coming to peace with that.

During transformations, we fail to recognize ourselves. Time comes with changes and sometimes we have to leave behind parts of our own self that we no longer have to identify with. We are born again, refreshed, or renewed by our own doing; and sometimes we become greater and finer as we age.

Refinery, it can feel great and even when it is found after time on a long difficult journey. We know our journey ultimately gave us wisdom; and then, like magic, we find the child in us again.

We notice how beautiful everything is once again, as we did when we were closer to our creation. We notice the everyday miracles, and see the miracles in others. We feel good because we feel closer to heaven even though we still are very much still here on earth. We begin to dream and wish again, and don’t get set into a “work through the grind/ going through the motions,” that the world makes us believe is the path in life. We notice the changes in those around us we love and engage with them no matter how it personally serves you because you want to make it work, you feel it is worth the work.

It isn’t easy being me, it isn’t easy blowing up all my emotions all the time, it isn’t easy having to analyze and make sense out of everything, but it gives me a feeling of peace I truly need. Home is the most important part of life because it is the escape and safe haven or at least it should be. I always tell my children, a home is just a box with walls with everything you love inside, it doesn’t matter where it is, home can be with the people you love in a field or it can be wherever you go. I know what is the most important part of me is my spirituality being able to share it with others is very important, and I am not talking about religion with human-made rules, I am talking about the inner spirit connecting with our higher source, my Lord and Savior.

There is no answer or direction better than the Lord’s!


Stay Gold, in these times~

How much do we put up with before we say, no more?

I guess how long it takes has a whole hell of a lot to do with how much you still want what you think will be. Is the package you are holding inside heavy, heavier than yesterday or lighter? It is hard to say, when you have a baseline of weak, it feels like I stay in limbo right around that point of progression.

When I think about how I have continuously kept myself in situations because I have felt I have specifically made the situation I was in, how many others can say that doesn’t exist in their world? The world can really be evil though, and in some parts of our world, we realize there are certain points that we don’t have to keep and we let them go. Finally!

There are parts of our world that are so painful yet, we try with all our might to forget time and time again we are allowing that which becomes our reality. But, we did anyway and sometimes for way too long!

The truth is we can never forget certain parts of our world that happened, no matter how hard we try. The part of our world that did, that we try to forget, sometimes seems to live with us forever, and long after. At times, when we see or feel the scars we are reminded how truly we know oh so well. We remember about all those seasons, that gave us all the reasons and then we make it important in our own mind, because once we realize it, understand it, we think that maybe that will be the final point where things will finally be ok, it has been conquered we tell our self!

We make a million reasons in our head to stay, sometimes way too long in situations. We make a million reasons in our head how now, “it will change,” and we can prove that, NO, past history doesn’t determine future history,” … you remember that time you finally made up your mind.

Little by little everything we have ever known has turned into something else, like never before, and, sometimes, quite like as before as well!

Our new reality becomes our truth when we choose. The new truth will just continue with what we know and understand, even if it isn’t right.

The reel continues, WE remember way back when there were certain times everything was perfect like the perfect dream, but then in between, it was a nightmare.

When the nightmare ends, this is when you weigh your options and at times you see that the truth is your greatest moments are those that are between the dream and the conflict. Times when all you felt was so beautiful, and so worthy, what could replace that feeling?

I gave my all because my blinders were so amazing; so I gave all my trust in you and felt that no matter what happened I was going to enjoy every minute of it, and I always did.

Following you in all those places I didn’t belong…

Following dumb, with my blind faith on a road called SeeForth~~~:D

Around people and places I should have never been, I ran away from that crap years ago. I went with you every step, and wouldn’t leave you; cuz I believed in you. I just want you to know I believed in you when belief was all I had left. Belief in the truth, belief in you…

After every incident; whether they were in the hospital, on the street somewhere, or in a Dive Hotel 😉 everywhere we ended up in, never was I left with the feeling I was ready to walk away. After every, “how am I gonna forget…” I felt the drawback because I knew you were worth it.

You may say/feel I am corrupt, but honestly, I haven’t shown you close to enough how corrupt I can be. Even when we both go mad, we wake up and feel no regrets.

Until those moments I feel regretful about the times I saw you in everything I do, everywhere I went, and then there was the switch, when I try to forget more.

If all the things you whispered in my ear were true; where does the disconnection come from that makes you NOT think about me!

Where did the moments come from, you know those moments when you actually chose to act like you had no clue’ but we both aren’t stupid, both genius level. Wait, can that be the dead-end?

I searched in my heart for a reason to stay when my ego was enlarged on the occasion. I just know we both know that WE BOTH don’t feel complete, like we do with each other by our side. Where is that point when you look back and feel completely broken down and say it is done? Even during those moments you know you have never ever felt so ignited.

I know we both need each other!

In between all the sick days, where our world was before, unraveling apart… WE took and accepted all of the scars. Somehow, and in some way all the scars began to feel healed just by being with one another. Eventually, all that was left is the hurt we created from one another by dealing with the wounds created by others, way before “us” ever existed. Life has always been gracious, giving all the warnings. We learn to ignore them, we ignore them almost automatically, we ignore them better than before, until we ignore them immediately.

We DECIDE, we decide who we chose to rebuild with; and if that person will be a true joint effort, we need our best candidate. I mean we need our best candidate if we are in for the win.

We know when we have finally met the one!

How do we change the way we see things when we learned so many times to see things differently just to survive?

What is important, is the way we feel about our own self that lives in our own head. We get so wound up sometimes; and we have to learn to wind ourselves way down. You think fishing relaxes, wind your own motha fuckin reel..

Put your damn guard down! Work on putting your ego down; it is easy to pay attention/ignore your own ego and worth when someone else is always completely winding it up and around, and sometimes all tangling it about.

Then there are those of us who don’t really hold onto a strong ego. We learned long ago, how others ego’s completely demolished everything you kept as the truth; especially when your tendency is really to be more selfless more of the time.

We learn by nature and nurture what our worth is, we know what we truly want as we mature and what we truly don’t want. Lately, I have been preaching to my loved ones about perspective, how we make our own perceptions.

How do you feel about your own life and all your daily happenings?

Our reality is made by our perception but some can play a huge part in preventing us to become all we need to be. There are people who are potential blockers; the ones who block you from becoming who you are due to their own insecurities and lessons. These are NOT our people.

What do you do when you need something from someone and fast, but they can’t give it, or they don’t want to or they just have their own agendas to take care of that they feel are so important? You really can’t blame someone for taking care of themselves, so I typically don’t take it in; and I choose where I feel the most comfortable and that is just to go away. I would never try to control another human being; everybody has a right to their own feelings and I know and I have lived by the fact and I understand feelings are never wrong. Yes, we all need something different in our lives and at completely different moments.

We really can’t understand how another feels unless we ask, and even then so, we really can’t unless we felt that need before; or understand how important that needs is to another. We each need something quite different and we need different things at different times in our life. I think what is important is that if we care; we try our best to truly understand what it is that those we love our lacking, we try and give it to them, if we love them we only know we want to make them feel better, whole, and complete. We don’t really do that when the EGO is in gear; we want to believe we are “enough” just being us; damaged, selfish, and all. It is easy to give what we are use to, especially to all those who didn’t deserve it.

How many times do we stop and take into consideration another person’s true need?

WE get hurt when someone doesn’t notice, why is that? Is it because somewhere deep inside we truly feel we aren’t worthy because sometime in our past… someone else made us believe that before? Someone we truly loved and put our trust in; maybe it was from the very beginning, and started with a parent.

We need to not just know but truly believe, I am worth it. We are worth everything we need, we are worth everything we never received but wanted. We need to know that yes, even when we are all damaged and sometimes feel completely ruined, we aren’t, that is where the lie begins. We need to know and accept that sometimes, it wasn’t our fault. Life truly isn’t fair; and it does suck; it is mean, cruel, and so utterly sad at times. But, we need to keep moving; because we cannot allow any other soul on this earth to define us.

Everything we want, everything we deserve exists, we just got to get our butt up and get it! I don’t care how peachy someone else life looks, it isn’t and the truth will truly set each one of us free…. admitting the truth is quite the battle though.

ADMIT it! ADMIT IT TODAY! YES, it really is NOW OR NEVER!!!!

We should know by now there is not some WHITE FREAKING HORSE riding in to save us. WE give and we take; and honestly the more you give, the more you will get to take. The heart needs to remain GOOD, GOLD, and WHOLE… that should’ve been a G lol but I haven’t received the bag of chips just yet. 😀

I am a Work in progress !

Keep moving, Don’t stay Stagnant! You will go where you want, get what you will, but nothing is coming to you. In between all those days, stay more GOLD!


1st Valentines 2019

Rico Espinoza it’s amazing when I think about how the world surrounds me with a zillion people that become my friend.

Then there’s the “one” that walks in and grabs me with a strong physical “force” and that made my body and nerves shake with our simple interactions… The only thing I really knew is that I wanted to know more.

Then our next moment comes, where there is a “physical connect” a simple kiss and or hug getting in the car was not an ordinary greeting; something magically and instantaneous happened. The truth is, I really didn’t understand at that point, I just knew that I didn’t want the night to end.

Then each day after I wake up without you, not wanting to be away… And I know you felt the same because we were never apart after that ~

And I realized my mornings are made with the first touch from your lips and I am not ever gonna let go~

My chained and protected heart ♥ unleashed with each memory made…

Looking at your face I see into your eyes, not the eye itself but way deep inside into places I know I should’ve been a part of, greatness I wouldn’t trade for the world. I look into your eyes and feel love by a glance, not needing more, just your soul.

The smile that gives me security in my heart and leaves me with no doubt at all~ You are my man, You love me, and You are about me! And my love, I am yours, about you, for you, always!

The understanding we have shared after dealing with so much stress of life that brought on, loss, death, betrayal, mishaps, stupidity that allowed us to prove our loyalty, understanding, and forgiveness in such a short period of time. We spent the last 8 months or so building each other up, confiding in one another, and not letting go.

Playing it cool while admiring you, being you ~

And realizing over and over this is no ordinary love, your lips on mine…

Thank you for stopping the world and making it just ours no matter where we maybe when Kendrick Lamar, JCole, Luke Bryan, and Kane Brown come on 😂💕~and all those old school beats from all our missed decades together, we are doing them again now!

💝Valentine’s day💝
。:││‘:. │,”+│:
* 💎💐 *.:👗、🎁
👄It’s all for YOU💋

I love you Rico!


DECEPTion ~n~ RELATion

People. We are each a unique soul that exists in this world!


Life~is a problem; it is NOT the solution.

We are created~

We create~

We learn~ as we observe~


We Experiment

Along the way we get screwed~

or misCONStrued!

Life hurts at times, I mean sometimes just getting out of bed and dressed is a triumph.


I think it is good to look back and learn from our hard falls and realize just how far we have come.

Recently, I have noticed more and more people are not what they seem to be; there are a lot of fronts, fakes, and phoneys.

TRUST~The key to Social Harmony

We are forever getting hurt, sometimes it is intentional by people who suck, or the person who you thought was a friend…

Sometimes we get hurt as a consequence due to our own stupidity, and sometimes it is just a natural part of life to strengthen us, teach us a lesson we have yet learned. The wise say~be ready, vigilant, we are all just in training for our ultimate victory~ the final plan; “our purpose” what we are here on earth for~our destiny.

I think what I have been learning lately is that while it may seem protective to resist, that is a lie. Don’t resist anything that is thrown your way, you are strong you are magnificent; God didn’t create a mistake. Talk about the disappointments, admit the fall outs, admit your own weaknesses~ because if you don’t it will literally eat you up inside, you can’t achieve a better relationship if you don’t know exactly what is working and/or what isn’t working. We need to know and understand what needs to be eliminated or added; being specific with yourself is crucial or the goal will not be met, ideas may flow easily but making the improvements takes a conscious working effort.

The past has NO POWER over the present moment.

Whatever it is you are facing today, whatever it is that is causing you to be sad, don’t allow it any longer; don’t be denial about the truth that is yours or to accepting a different truth after further understanding; we are supposed to be helpful but also know when someone understand what we do not, listen with an open mind, forget for a moment preconceived notions, when someone you love is trying to share with you realize how blessed you are that they want to help and care. What you end up understanding, is your reality; and if you are in any loving relationship with another; you know that sometimes their reality is so different; but don’t keep your eyes closed; and don’t allow them to close their eyes; because love is too beautiful.



The Paranoid Partner


When people resist it is very noticeable, you should flow together like a wonderful dance; and if you will never dance like you want; it is obvious from the start, from the get go; but how beautiful it is when someone is so willing to learn your steps. <3

Always keep around the ones who make tomorrow even better than today.


Peace is the ONLY battle worth waging!

I love to learn, my way is not always the best way; a lot of times it is; but sometimes I learn my greatest lessons from my own kids!


We are blessed and cursed to have a whole internet full of information, so many opinions, so many truths and just about the same number of lies… but we all know the best answer always is found within; trust your instincts. The “real stuff” like love, understanding, friendship, laughter, fairness, trust, is all found in the innocence of a child; trust the child to remind you what you need to hold onto. While looking down to the little ones is always better, always know that looking up is the BEST option~ God understands what we have yet to, pray and ask you will receive, the strength you need will increase to infinite bounds. When we harden our heart, we become deaf and blind to the things of God, his plan for us, and all he has done for each of us.

The lesson will never be understood and learned while emotionally angry or defensive; so get the feelings out-of-the-way and begin to express and try to understand; sometimes it takes a break or a few to get emotions under control. The greatest distance between two people will always be~MISUNDERSTANDING.
If you want to have the best relationship with those you love there are 2 ways to get it.

Way 1~Work hard everyday on staying connected, and understanding the similarities and the differences you all share.

Way 2~ Give, Respect, and realize the other person is perfect just the way they are; it is up to only YOU to worry about changing yourself for the better~ only to be happier for the moment after. EVERYTHING you desire should be what you already have in front of you!

Realize while it is always wise to plan for the future, be realistic, it isn’t promised; it may never show.

Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.

Those little things that you know your other likes, give, give, give~ you don’t keep a score card of how many times you have done them; you don’t do it and put it on hold until it happens again; you do it over and over, again and again! Perfect people don’t exist, find out if this is the one who makes you happy, and help each other as we really help our own self… and as you work hard on issues, the world stays busy with clueless clones of recyclers who exist in this world; blaming all on everyone else and never realizing it.

The people worthy to be in your life, are those ones who stood by you during the hard times, and laughed with you once they pass.

Practicing forgiveness is something I wonder if I will ever get a grasp on; I consider myself very understanding but I know we all fail at times. There are times we are weak, tired, and just allow a side of us to exist that we have never seen before. The act of forgiveness is one of the greatest displays of love, that is the price Jesus paid for me and you; so that we would be forgiven; and in the end he still chose to forgive those who hurt him the most.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful & just & will forgive us of our sins. We will be purified from all unrighteousness ~ 1John 1:9

Finding Peace~ We imagine it, and we hope to find it; and we expect it to be in a quiet place, a place where no troubles exist, a place where no work or effort has to be implemented.

Peace is all places that you maybe, amongst the everyday hustle; but it is the calm in your mind and heart; the thoughts that speak to you and fills you with hope, a hope for happy days to follow. Peace is appreciating everything the world gives you each and everyday. Appreciating the worldly gifts that gives you true joy in the everyday miracles like a beautiful bright sky and the warmth of the sun, the magical lights of the dark night sky, counting stars and feeling so insignificant and finding your humble spot, the feeling of the surprise rain that cools down your body as it hits your skin after a long exhilarating run, the overwhelming understanding of true comfort you recognize while holding a newborn baby, the amazement we ponder on when we see an array of flowers that have colors so vibrant it as if they are jumping out into my own world, and realizing we really were never divided, the satisfaction in feeling safe and really knowing someone else really has your back . Peace is knowing those you love are where they should be, no matter where that may be. Peace is not just recognizing but using all your God-given talents, perfecting your craft to make a positive difference in the life of another soul. When you get to that tranquil state where Peace will lead you; that is where you will find the strongest power that emerges from within.

When you find Peace in your heart and mind; the tranquility will leave you feeling drunk of happiness, you smile and laugh and aren’t afraid of being silly, because all that matters is the very moment of joy. WARNING haters don’t like laughter, they will mock you, harass you, try in any way they can to make you leave and come into their world. They don’t believe happy people are real, they can’t understand the energy, they can’t stand the illumination that radiates from your smile…


Do you feel Peace in your soul, if not Go, find it today!


When you’ve got 2 hoes you need to let one go

WARNING my BLOGS TEND to contain, profanity, slight nudity, and a whole hell a lot of truth…. I respect you if you don’t continue, but respect me when you are in my house.  Enjoy!

Official Video for this blog~ Review here

Who noticed the familiarity of a borrowed beat, OLD SCHOOL Blend is the best!  History repeats with updated inventions… AWESOME job ! Future ft. Pharrell Williams-For REAL, Push a T, Casino

I feel like a cheap whore, I love it at times, I own it, and secretly have waited for my chance to release it since I was 8 yrs old and found myself discovering the world of porn at a neighbor’s house. I wanted to be like those sexy women on the screen, they seem to have so much control over these men.  It seemed men everywhere would forgetting to think with their brain if a woman was in view, especially certain women. Wow the power to take away men’s power, the power to make them forget to use that “logic” they so naturally possess. I knew it would be my mission to get whatever it was that I wanted by using my charm and my goodies to tease them make them think with their dumb brain, so I could make them be my genie in a bottle if they were worth it; and me, theirs.

Sometimes, a lot of times  I want something more. Someone more like me~

I need to feel appreciated for all those things I am, that separates me from every other human in existence.  I miss the days of newest, introductions, and discoveries.  Psychologically, we’ve coined it~  “the infatuation period”  when a new relationship, that hasn’t quite been introduced to the daily stressors of life, all the responsibility, and all the hurt of mistakes, the human mistakes we make that we can’t take back and sometimes regret for years and years!

When someone is new… We are naturally amazed for all those things you don’t understand, you crave more insight, and thirsty for this new creature. You want to dissect them in so many ways, you are tuned in with high frequency to understand them, their thinking…

This is why people cheat, they miss that feeling of worth and someone else is interested, someone else who needs to be told all those things as well; just like them, someone who finds them interesting, and soon they forget their commitments to their other because they feel forgotten, unappreciated, they feel like a tool; not worthy but needed at the least just like you.

The reality is that the person they cheated with eventually surfaces, you can only fantasize for so long, reality always comes back.  You begin to recognize their faults, their human ways, the true person that exists, not the dream of who you want them to be. You realize you have made a huge mistake, you can try to cover up but for some reason it always finds a way to rehash and resurface. No matter how hard you try to let go of what did or did not happen,  you try to forget self-made beliefs , even when you have lied to yourself frequently you’re not going to deny it another chapter.

Cheating can become a vicious cycle until you need that person again who is waiting for you because they have that strong need as well; they know you will be back.   The “tio” the sancho/a is a person  who you begin to recognize as angry, bitter, blames the other person they don’t know, and dreams that with just a little more time, you will finally leave because they are lonely too and hold on to that


If it becomes too much work,  you replace them with a different flavor.

Excitement is addicting, while  the adrenaline of feeling alive again is so completely appealing, someone seeing those things in you is flattering; those special things that you forgot about…emotional affairs are often easy to ignore.  I mean it really isn’t an affair until the body is exchanged, right?

I guess that would depend on the depth of the relationship.

In so many ways affairs are NOT just sexual. I know in my previous marriage I cheated early on, when I was a 22-year-old with a lot of time and even more opportunities.  I remember how I always felt about the intimacy of sex, but I also felt the need and curiosity to always explore everything that the world held. I learned early on the power girls can use over men to manipulate them to get exactly what it is they feel they need for the time.

I felt so miserable when I cheated. I didn’t just do it once, twice, I kept this one person around for a year. I knew, he knew, everyone knew, talk about the ultimate disrespect and betrayal. It became such a huge painful part of our relationship that our relationship never recovered from that point on. His father cheated, openly so he knew it as part of life. I was made to feel like I owed him ~forever, I made it my mission to show him the rest of my life with him, anyone in this world can cheat in so many different ways, but it doesn’t have to become a part of who they are as a person. We all make a mistakes but it doesn’t define who we are as a woman, unless we let it. He had deep fears of loyalty way before me, and I took ownership of them, no matter how true I stayed I was never seen as a loyal person, because of what I did 15, 16, 17 years back when I was learning about life myself.

The truth is I am sorry, I am sorry to him but even more to myself. I am who I decide, I have integrity, I have high standards, high morals, and not just anyone has the right to my body and mind.  You earn the right into my world, I don’t need anyone to complete me. If you are my chosen one, I will respect you, and keep you in a place where NO OTHER will or can ever go, I expect and deserve the same… Divorced!

Learning about love~ a different kind of Love…

You’re special to me, and you will know it, feel it, and I will never allow another to give me or fulfill a need that only you have been given the right to do.   You are in a category all in your own, my treasure, my ♥ heart…

You say …

I see you, I know your deep thoughts and I love the special way you think like no other. Your passionate, hilarious, and hold strong convictions just like my own.

The freaky freak factors that we allow, we are open to, explore, and enjoy because we trust one another and try so hard to understand.

Or at least with little to NO judgment, try to ~

The unconditional love we both feel for the other, that makes us want to both stay, stay, stay no matter how tough life gets.

Because we recognize the unique, irreplaceableness of the other and its nice to know , no matter what, we are in this together! We both know NO ~One gets left behind in our team.

We put effort into our relationship and will not allow any fly by nights to get in…Love is so easy and so hard. It hurts and forgives. It believes in you when the rest of the world doesn’t.

Like I told you, I will never let you miss the boat, not mine … You’re my navigator, not just some one there for the ride.

In case you are missing the boat I will feel you in. I am beautiful, colorful, and sexy and even when you hate that I am told that by others a lot, understand it’s a compliment to you and yours.  I know my confidence soars, my pride stands too tall, and I am forever a work in progress on letting go of the ego.   I know how thin the line is from confident to arrogance, arrogance is fake, overly done because the person is really just trying to believe it themselves…  not appealing at all…

I am seeking the validation, and when I haven’t I will go up a notch with any means possible, and u know and have seen I am one crazy bitch.

If you pay attention the obvious is true, which everyone in this world will agree with… The truth about me and my character, I  am caring, extremely understanding and forgive because I am a huge mistake maker… #sinner . I am open-minded because if I haven’t done it I will, and possibly I invented it, I am sweet, possibly more addicting than Meth, and extremely loyal, honest to the point of emotional brutality, fun/ny, witty, innocent in heart, not so innocent in mind… amazingly full of knowledge in the weirdest issues and beliefs, and extremely charming to the point where you always want more of me~ well everyone else seems to, but you, that is…

I know how completely exhausting it can be to understand Michele and just remember to breathe at times. 

We will be here to remind each other.

Forgive me for my less desirable traits…

I know it can be quickly dismissed, and the reasoning is obscured.. you see some attention-getting woman who is  having a midlife crisis, what a slap in my fucked up~head. Lol… My humor~ My whole damn life has been a crisis.  Past behaviors are forever taking into consideration for future meaning and even more insight.   The one~person’s attention I can’t get, the one I need it from, I only get when I am a bad~girl, insert (story of my life) (Daddy issues), the “one” that matters only notices when I am in that poor spot light the one I’ve noticed is permanently aimed at me in the most terrible lighting imaginable… But hey, even when I am bad, I really ain’t that bad!

I know you don’t like to talk about what is/isn’t going on, same old stories, same old fears, same old blame, same old truths in my head, but lies in yours… How can we share the same world and see it so differently, I don’t know maybe that is the magic of “Michele&Gus.

Balance we balance each other out, where 2 extremes could be disaster…

Poor Gus, How many more times must we go through this fucked up charade…

As long as it takes, and as long as we fight hard for our relationship I guess, I hope and pray forever.

We both hate being at odds with the other, you think your protecting me by dodging issues and living independently as a “submissive” as you put it. 😩

I don’t blame the fact it upsets us and we both have different levels of frustration on different days. However, I appreciate the time you do give me to just listen, as I explain how I feel, especially when it isn’t true in your head, and when you take the time to repeatedly remind me my fears are lies. You encourage me to let go and learn new clever ways to not own shit I don’t need or want.

If you don’t allow negative thoughts they won’t manifest \(>o<)/(^_-) we allow them to live in our mind ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ they don’t exist, true, false let’s figure it out together.

I don’t blame you for wanting to escape… Get out, away from me, away from here; sometimes I can’t stand myself either…


You want to go out in the world get what ever it is you need…

INSERT a trillion distractions

Sometimes it isn’t worth the trouble though, if it means coming back to some bitching woman… but you know i hardly bitch; it is just 1 or 2 days a month… LOL when Tia Flow visits.

And what makes it even worst…

You ruin all your chance now, it is clear you’ve lost all hopes for what is really important…

The suck and blow you may not get!

 The truth is I enjoy what we do and as you say you prayed to God for the woman you wanted in bed 😅 , and I find that quite hilarious; God the father and I have had never had such a discussion; but he did fulfill my sexual requirements 🙂 any way~
so you hang on just a little bit longer… And you get what you want and in a way so do I, win-win situation, right, well maybe for the time being.

While you hide yourself from me…

I know you have your own fears, don’t ever believe the lies that live inside of you because of some other fool who created them.  Don’t make me out to be a person who doesn’t exist in me; and I will work on that with you.  We know the truth.

Sharing intimate pictures of our intimate moments with others, I don’t know why anyone would~ even if it was just a discussion; or full fledge video…  I wonder if it’s like a trophy to some. People will always pay to see the video… But expect others to respect their privacy.
 I don’t know if it’s because you want everyone else to want to taste you… #fear765 #menwhokissandtell

The truth is I even want to sell the videos; LOL

I am proud of all those things you are to me; just to name a few… you are my papichulo, tio, my love, the gardner, the visitor, the cousin from Laredo, and Debo…

And how Gustavo’s got Michele all dickmatized, I never even loved bananas before.

And I fell in love with every part of you. I hold you and only you for that exclusive spot, and no matter how many men or boys FRAP off to me as you say 😂 not just anyone can touch or enjoy. #allrightsreserved

C***** isn’t just a drug dealer, he isn’t even your “homie”, or a real friend, you’re his little bitch~ his puppet~ who will lie to me for him; and he for me or you. We’ve both allowed people in our lives who will do this to us.  Anyone who is willing  to lead you or me down a wrong path or help you cover up shit isn’t a true friend to the both of us. They risk ruining us, our family! If anyone is worth that, go… You are free, free to be and find yourself, discover all those deviant things you crave and seek that he is involved in; without me. The 2 most evil souls in the city have become our “friends.” Friends before even me, you, us, when we decide to hold secrets with them; they are evil and had the whole thing planned to smear in either my face or yours. They are working together and whats even more disturbing is  finding out the phone number playing games online with our kid is who expected; for what to listen to what is going on in our house, is obsessively sick and disturbing, we don’t need fucked up people around our kids, home, or us. #sickfuck
The lies you’ve told me, the behind my back truths you acted were not a reality you wouldn’t accept because you wished them untrue.  We can’t deny or ignore our mistakes or they will own us.  All the lies and deceit isn’t love, and I know evil ways, that is why I cut off people who don’t look out for my best interest immediately as I did with him last May. I know this is all in the past, and years later it still comes up because we never discussed it; but the simple acts of betrayal stay with us for a long ass time.  Asking if I would have sex for exchanges; wtf does he think, talking about me being a freak, asking if I wanted to see the dirty side of the job; trap-houses, and pro’s… lol if I wanted I could’ve made him my bitch but he knows he never got the chance and I never gave him that right . He isn’t worth my time or efforts, he is trash who acts like your friend, acts like he cares, he is nothing but a fake, liar, and he will never think about others if you think about his daily dealings. He doesn’t deserve the loyalty he doesn’t give; while everyone around me laughs and mocks because I give it to those who don’t give it to me; or play me like a fiddle. And that is how innocent disrespect develops and for what a bowl to smoke.  The drug world is dirty!

I know you meant no harm EVER; it isn’t in your nature, you always treat me like the Queen I am….

I feel so guilty bringing up the stuff I went through that eventually lead to you going into the hospital; I know you; and I know when you are not feeling yourself. I also know I don’t get enough support as if it’s not needed because i didn’t end up the hospital.  I will always stay strong for you; just like you do for me.

Time passes; years~

You tell me today matters, we are learning to love together, we are working hard on us, I feel how strong we have gotten, and its been hard at tines but wow it is so worth the effort. We know we have each others back no matter what!
My fears are still in existence ~

Keeping nestled, “fears” , everyday hidden little secrets, one day, life stress is high, we are at odds and guess who calls (the devil/temptation) and then you disappear…


Only to realize all along you may have been played in a different way; a way that worked just for you; because the devil wants both of us to believe we don’t give two shits about the other… And that is why we will always have words from everyone and anyone when people do us wrong.   

The truth is we both held on tight; we knew something different to be true. We wanted to find our friendship again, and we both kept getting glimpses of us and we held on even tighter. Then, there we are ~ok, we know everything is gonna be ok, I love you, want you, crave you, and ditto for you, and even though we both feel betrayed we hold each other, we have learned we can trust; and we keep trying  …

The truth of the matter is that the people you lie for are not our true friends they are our worst enemies because we trust them enough to allow them in… I get the tips, the evidence and proof that anyone can lie so easy.

No one can ever convince us of the truth we know to be true, if anything the one thing that is NOT a lie, is us; no one can say there is NO LOVE here. I don’t know why everyone has always been out to prove to others that their life isn’t really as good as it seems, I know I am NOT living a lie, I will always live for the TRUTH.  And to all those people who think they can make me believe or persuade me to live a lie; pick an easier; more vulnerable mother fucker. Love and friendship really is true, I found it in you. 

It just shows me how pathetic they are and how much they really don’t know.

I struggled with wanting to show you my truth, my vulnerabilities that were established way before us.  It’s important to us, we know what we see in one another.  I never had any desires that were hidden, I have always been extremely truthful and vocal with my expectations.

I am not it everyday for you, I understand, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and sometimes, rarely, lol I am quite ugly in my ways.

It’s weird because I am for most as you say … The complete fantasy, but I never believed it  before like I do with you.

I have been reading for a while about our internet writing I want you to know how therapeutic it is for me. The things I can’t understand, after a good blogging session clears my mind like you wouldn’t believe. Sometimes I even have it completely wrong; my blogging session goes down; and I find the truth.  The things that are hard for us to say a loud can always be understood if the other cares enough to read through, which I know isn’t always easy. I don’t ever want you to read a blog and feel like it’s a person you never knew existed, it’s not just a journal, this is our life, together ! 💗💟💖❤💋
So many sides to us exist, many who sleep quietly in the subconscious waiting for that breath of life. 
So many articles these days keep us entertained. So many time-zappers, stupid celebrities and their shows, David Grohl’s and other amazing talents people interviews, TV shows, gaming, all  that you can imagine that will keep our society as is, being told what to believe, what to wear, what to watch, where to eat… followers! A world full of followers with no ideas of opinions of their own thoughts .
In my mind the choice was made long ago,  to not entertain them, the medias~truth, forced upon me in front of my face in too many different avenues, TV, turn on the radio, magazine covers when all I needed was milk and bread. I share what I know but it isn’t everyone’s truth, we have to find out ourselves and realize we aren’t robots.

and neither of us will allow anyone to come into our lives; and bring back past lies; old memories to manipulate the other into believing shit was love …The past was the past because that is where it belongs in the past! Once people realize the truth of what you were and who you continue to be; well… it’s hilarious to think you would hold any special meaning today.  You are an example to him; of everything I am not; so when he see’s me; he knows exactly what he had before; it feels great to feel like GOLD!!!!!


No matter how mad that makes you; because I know I live in your head; you can’t stop reading my shit… just remember the truth; I never did anything to you! so….

Hopes of new promises… Daily laughs about life~

I allow myself to get so upset.  I ask God for help; and things seem better but then it all comes at me like a crazy ass storm…I want so much to trust love; and every time I think I can, well… LIFE you know LIFE; and how it works. 

Facing the truth is hard

There comes a time in life when many people look at themselves, their partner, their friends, and wonder, who the fuck is that person, it’s not who I thought it was.  Sometimes we realize it, and immediately, it’s like we were woken up and ashamed at the truth. I don’t ever want you to wake up next to me and have regrets. I don’t want you to connect with some random lonely ass who hangs out at HEB, valero, Las Palapas, any local spot to get a need filled by sharing with just anyone who is willing;  except the only reason person who holds the answer.


There are so many sick dates like anniversaries of sick memories that live in my head.  There is only ONE reason, because I allowed it. Victor and #4thjuly is one example.


I remember the truth of all the lies, the outside attacks, I hurt when I know it and how fear is always there to attack with evil; sometimes when I get face with hard-times; or evil I think I still don’t deserve peace due to my past sins; what a LIE. Life is hard, unfair;  I’m worthy, and the truth shall set me free, it’s not for you or about you, it’s for me; and then you will see how that it is for US.  NO MORE lies and cover up’s accepting from any fools, call someone who wants to listen; I will not listen to gossip or drama to later feel guilty and ashamed for believing in you.


I know who the bullshit shit~talkers are, the names are always the same. It is the fake ass’s who can’t look at you in your face and most of the time have never made time to even talk to you in your face. Bitch you can lie in my face, act 2 face,  but I know the truth of where I have been and who I am, and where you weren’t, …. THERE!  What you have showed me is you will never be either. If I didn’t quite know the truth yet, give it time it always comes out, and I always found out your true intentions… Cuz we all stay where we have been, you will stay in your pathetic misery, and I will be in the same place I always have been making use of my time, at home, waiting.

What is your View….

I know the things the world finds interesting, if  you ask me as many have; who I will be voting for; what are my issues on… I will change the topic if you mean anything to me; I don’t talk politics or “intelligent discussion,” as others put it with anyone I care about.

The truth is I learned long ago not to talk POLITICS and RELIGION with people you care about, it may seem to you I am not intelligent for sharing my worldly beliefs of “current events”, sometimes intelligence is actually knowing when to shut the fuck up. I don’t give a Fuckin flying fuck about the world issues when I am finding it difficult to even make the needed change in my own world~ home / community issues. I don’t give a flying fuck about protecting some fantasy character in Hollywood from shit~talkers, when I can’t even get people in my own community to leave me the fuck alone.


If you reader are thinking about cheating  I hope that the person is worth it, losing your family etc… I hope they bring meaning  to you and your life. I hope you hold them dear. If not, I would really  think long and hard about this fuck up. You will soon find out it was really never about your partner, but a self struggle. Is the distraction with it.

Dedicated to my man, we’ve got this.  ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) !!!!

 My treasure (〃・ิ-・ิ)ゞ★

Because the truth is, it really is that simple…

Blog Family

Graduation Letter, Memories, & Life Advice, Love, your Mother


18 Years ago May 30, 1997 a little girl with lots of dark hair was born; my tiny girl weighed 5 pounds 14.8 oz and she came into the world at 8:55 A.M. at Santa Rosa Northwest.

I dreamed of the day I would see my first born, dreaming what she would look like.  When i was five years old; I knew one day I would have a baby girl and I knew I would name her Marisa…image

The Daisy
imageis one of Marisa’s favorite flowers.

I see a daisy and I am reminded of childhood innocence

We’d like to forever hold onto innocence but it is soon wonderfully replaced with understanding. Leaving childhood behind we begin to see a lot of wicked things with our new wisdom facing our new world; try to hold on to your innocence as long as possible~

Innocence is one of the greatest and most exciting things in life; a lot of people will want to try to take the best from you; don’t give them what they don’t deserve.  *** My best advice to hold onto your innocence~ INDIVIDUALISM!

I will forever cherish all the days and nights Marisa and me spent reading, talking, laughing, and crying. Planning all the YOUTUBE video’s we would make starting “tomorrow” :D, sharing all our crazy dreams and thoughts; watching limitless Friday Night Cranks; driving around the city bass’n to our NWA, Eazy E old school RAP; and then in the very next breath sweet singing to Taylor Swift on too many of our journeys.

Spending our days thinking and analyzing everything our world is giving and taking from us.

You are my perfect daughter; who reminds me what a success I am as a mother.

I can still feel the innocent presence of the little girl who has continued to always remain true to herself.
Marisa is extremely content just hanging out with her family and friends.  **She does have the best of both 😉

Thank God for creating our family!  When the world hits us and knocks us down; our family is there to pick us up and hold us.  Our family is made up of the most beautiful wonderful personalities; we are gentle but fierce, we are strong and support each other.  We are filled with love, friendship, and know we can depend on one another without a doubt; it wouldn’t be the same missing a link.

I am thankful for our memories and I know one day in the far future 😉 you will begin a family of your own; and when you do I hope it is filled with as much laughter and happiness as our family releases.             Enjoy; life is too short.

Marisa holds her friends very close to her heart; she surrounds herself with beautiful people who appreciate the same beliefs her heart does.  She is blessed to have understanding, trustworthy, spiritual friends who hold a strong faith; and ENJOY many moments of life with her!  You really do get what you give in this life; and I am thankful to each and every one of her friends for being there for her!  imageimage

I always smile when I think about the “itty bitty girl”  who always found happiness in “together time”, because it really is all the moments that count.

I am holding onto our moments image
And remember that what is meant to be Will always find a way!  Let go of the anxiety and stress. 

and to this day I will find my smile while i still get to drive you around everywhere.  🙂 and let go of that stress as well 😉

Daisy’s are seldom forgotten, they always bloom in large vibrant colors.

Like Marisa’s spirit the Daisy is known for bringing cheer and beauty

with only its mere presence.

You always remind me to smile, so when life gets hard; please don’t forget!!!!

I see you as MY SUNFLOWER: Sunflowers are the happiest of the flowers. They are strong and beautiful just like you.

So many times I was amazed at the strength of someone (my girl) who I felt it was my job to protect; but, more times it seemed we guided each other.

We have always found our way, no matter how hard obstacles were … We found what we needed with the help of singing, music, and laughter.
singsing 2sing 3sing lastimageimage


Sunflowers also symbolize loyalty.


You are full of so much trust; and that is what I really admire about you;

image . No matter how hurt you may getimage

You always find understanding for others simply because your heart is loyal!
imageYour spirit is full of life!




Your loyalty lives on forever and you always have the “back” of those you love!






imageNo one is a stranger to you

You never look down on another soul!

You live to help others…

Your heart pours compassion!

You appreciate the good qualities in others; and help others to shine brighter.

So, Daisy/
Sunflower, (you are) BUT,

You are also like a free and gentle flower that allows it’s energy to continue to grow wild
imagewith passion.

I don’t know where the road will take you but I am not worried at all!

You are the sunlight in our life.

Wherever you go; YOU WILL BE GREAT; and you take a little piece of each of us with you.
image imageWhen you love you give it all                                                                                                                                             you have
wpid-fb_img_1432979008187.jpgWhen your scared you bow your head, pray, and remember your faith…

Keep doing just that!

imageimageIf you EVER leave me; I will go with YOU! 😀

Go embrace the power of personal growth and personal achievement, it’s your time!!!!!